


Inculcate

by eternalshiva



Series: Mass Effect Big Bang [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Sexual Content, psychological exploration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-10
Updated: 2012-11-10
Packaged: 2017-11-17 23:20:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 100
Words: 118,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/554317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternalshiva/pseuds/eternalshiva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mindoir, to Akuze and head first into the end of the world - an exploration of Infiltrator Shepard in pre and post battle snippets and drabbles from pre-ME to ME3. An intimate look on how she turns from caring only for her own survival to transforming herself into the saviour of the galaxy.</p><p>For the Mass Effect Big Bang 2012 - Art included by theenkindler from Tumblr.</p><p>"One inculcates an idea or habit into people by persistent instruction; one indoctrinates people with certain values or beliefs through repeated instruction." - definition of Inculcate</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Author's Notes

Ah, finally - my [Mass Effect Big Bang](http://mebigbang.livejournal.com) project, I have to say it was a long and hard road to get to here. This was a huge project, bigger than I anticipated when the idea came to me on the bus, picking up my kids over the summer. To be honest, next year I will pick a project that won't suck all the fun out of me haha.

I would like to thank my betas - brandnewandancient, perpetual159, pirateypeg, avrilxiv and Jolly Green who have put up with my OCD, my obsessing and my insecurity. This was a new writing style for me and I struggled since I am a very wordy person and keeping the short chapters to short chapters was a challenge.

Also, I would like to mention that Spicyshimmy and Siribear were kind enough to let me use some inspirational prompts for two chapters, which I've credited in Notes. Thank you, you two beautiful people.

I would also like to thank my artist - [theenkindler](http://theenkindler.tumblr.com/) who's had a struggle herself over the last few weeks of the project (broke a wrist, family issues that were downright terrible) but still pulled out such beautiful and poignant art.

I hope you enjoy it.


	2. I. Introduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2170 CE - Mindoir

_Sleepy_ would be one way to describe the colony, Ember thought as she ran bare-footed across the land of her family's farm. It was rare when they had the chance to just let their hair down and enjoy some free time and luckily, this was one of those days. The Shepard siblings had all agreed to spend it most of it playing hide and seek - but the eldest had resisted, she had a book to finish and Ember didn't want to waste all her free time running and getting dirty. 

She looked up towards the sky, clouds drifting lazily while the warmth of the sun flirted against her skin in a reminder that summer was coming to its peak. A small ship on the horizon caught her attention, she frowned slightly at its unusual appearance but she pushed the thought away, content with the feeling of the edge of her skirt sliding through the tall green grasses. 

" _Three, two, one, this one will find your hiding spot."_

Her sister's voice fluttered across the fields, her brother's laughter mingling with Ember's own as they ran even faster - the sounds were rich with joy as it filled the empty space. She quickly ducked out of sight from her youngest sister – a grin etched deeply upon her face; she knew just the spot. 

Her small, lithe body filtered through the endless maze of corn - quick and nimble, but most importantly, silently. Her sister’s melodic voice was still perched upon the wind. 

_"Ready or not, this one will come!"_

__

The countdown was finished and her sister began to seek them out. Ember shook her head, making a mental note that Autumn's hanar needed more work before she turned her gaze to the sky once more. The distant sun's bright flare made her squint with discomfort but she relishes the feel of it warming her pale skin. She grinned and looked away, missing another off schedule shuttle disappear into the thick haze of summer heat, just to hear her sister's light footsteps near. 

Autumn was getting better, Ember had to admit, but she still couldn't sneak up behind a scent deprived Elcor even if she tried. She sought the shadows again, slinking away in the direction of her destination and within minutes, she found the fox’s abandoned home near the back of the overgrown corn rows. She peered down, before landing on her knees to take a good look at her favourite old hiding spot and for a moment she wonders if she can actually still _fit_ in the damned thing. She presses her two hands around the opening and measures in approximation, leaning back onto the heels of her feet - she measures roughly against her shoulders and hips. 

_Nope, definitely too small for me, now._

She sighed, deciding it wasn’t worth dirtying the skirt her mother had made. She heard a crunch of feet behind her and she smirked, realising she took far too long to find a spot. Ember lets he shoulders fall in defeat, stood up slowly with her hands on her hip and sighed dramatically to make a show for her youngest sister. 

“Argh, you _got_ me Aut-“she stopped mid spin, her green eyes sparkling as they connected with four unblinking eyes. At first she couldn't understand what she was looking at, eyebrow arched high in wonder for a split second but then... then it dawned on her. 

The smile the batarian sent her way was terrifying as his lips peeled back to bare his jagged teeth. She took in a soft, shuddering breath - fear coiling into the pit of her stomach as his putrid breath surrounded her. There was a moment where she could hear nothing except the steady beat of her heart and the ragged breathing of the alien _that shouldn’t be here_. 

He reached out and time slowed into a desperate crawl as her toes curled into the dirt, body taunt and ready to spring when her eyes locked on his. His fingers grip her flesh with an unforgiving hold that makes her wince and a heartbeat later, she exploded in a force of energy that knocks him backwards. Blue films of energy wrap themselves around her body in a protective barrier as she disappeared into the shadows of the corn rows. Clutching her arm as the welts of his grip form upon her skin, she heard him curse vividly and the sour sound of his gun warming before it released a shot that grazed her calf while she slips away. 

Despite the urgency she felt crawling down her spine, the burning in her legs and the ache in her arm - the reality was that she couldn't move fast _enough_. 

Her long hair snagged into the stiff leaves painfully, unknowingly leaving a trail for any scout to follow. Her favourite skirt was torn and her feet bleed but she ignored the sting, her mind focused on finding her siblings. They would be looking for her, too, but she was the better finder of the three, she always knew where to find _everyone_. 

Ember bites back the urge to yell out a warning - unless she wanted to draw all the Slavers to her location, it was best to keep her mouth shut and work as quickly as possible. Time sped away, seconds ticking by as she runs through the shadows - her breath burns inside her lungs. Faster, faster! A mantra she was far too familiar with, she had to get to her family but something catches her attention to the far right. Her eyes widen in fear, she can hear _them_ , inside her sanctuary, the slavers grunting and speaking in a tongue she can’t quite grasp. 

She spies one – the same one she encountered at the fox hole but he seemed to have given up the chase, preferring to leave the maze of corn rows and find another more easily attainable target outside. 

They’d set fire to the fields – her _home_ , her family's livelihood was turning to _ash_. 

Her desperation began to turn to panic seconds after an explosion shakes the ground she stands on. Her eyes, now wild with fear look up to the sky - she can't see the sun amongst the thick haze of smoke that envelops her. She stifled a whimper when a scream stopped her dead in her tracks. She tilted her head to listen... her mother's voice, hoarse and broken, filled her ears. 

The harsh and foreign tone alarmed her, she'd never heard her mother _sound_ like that. She sprinted towards the edge of the field, slowed to a crawl and peers through just enough to see what is happening. A welt of fear sprang in her chest, her eyes burned with unshed tears as she watched her mother fight off one of the slavers, red hair dancing in the wind like liquid fire as her omni-tool flared to life, overloading her attackers. They dropped one by one but Ember knew she wouldn’t keep this up for long. The electrical bursts illuminated the surrounding area in an eerie silvery white, its energy running wild in unchecked fury. The batarians drop to their knees, their screams of frustration like fingernails on a chalkboard but her mother seems unfazed by them. Instead, she used the small reprieve to spin around, eyes locking on her daughter’s for a split second and she shouted at her. This time there were _words_ in a primal, guttural yell. 

"Hide! Go! Don’t let them take you alive!" 

Her daughter only nodded, her lower lip quivering in uncontrolled emotion but she bites it still as she backs away – feeling like a traitor, a coward at its lowest. Her mother continued to defend her ground, knowing full well that her children were hiding somewhere amongst the stalks. Another flash of silver floods the darkness of shadows, blinding the young woman within it. 

Ember's skin prickles, the hair raising on her arms as she braces herself in anticipation. This was an attack she only seen once and she knew her mother was too close to the target to survive it, anguish twisted in her gut as silence filled the air. 

"You'll never take The Shepards _alive_." Her mother's voice, a threatening promise that etched itself in Ember's memory mere seconds before a sharp and devastating explosion knocked Ember from her feet and onto the ground. 

She scrambled up, tears freely flowing from her eyes and before it even registers that her mother has dropped dead to the ground, Ember fled. 


	3. II. Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2170 CE - Mindoir

_Snap._

The irrepressible sound of burning wood swiftly shook her from her daze - Autumn screwed her eyes shut for a brief moment to assess her situation. The last thing she remembered was the explosion, her mother screaming and the unexpected hit from the butt of an assault rifle across her cheek.

Then it was just... _darkness_.

She shifted slightly, testing the binds on her hands. ' _Tight',_ she thought to herself, ' _but not tight enough,'_ she smirked but something catches on her lip - dirt. She realised that she's face down into the ground and the ache of her eye catches her off guard, forcing her to bite down into her lower lip to repress the wanton scream of agony that desperately wants out. She tries to open her eyes but one is swollen shut - she's sure the socket is broken.

"What are you doing?"

The male voice stilled her, her breath caught deep in her throat as her father's voice boomed across the empty space above her. Hope swelled inside her chest, tears make themselves known as she believed he has come to save her from this incessant hell.

"Where are you taking him? Answer me, damn it!"

Fear.

She hears it now, in her father's voice. Her smile of relief shifted into a tight worried line, she stopped moving again to try and grasp what is happening around her. The aliens spoke harshly to her father, none of it makes sense - odd ticks and clicks but the tone of their voice suggest that his questions were pointless.

"Answer me!"

_Crack._

The sound of her father's body falling to the ground startled her - the batarian laughed, feet shuffling around before one of them kicked the large human into the gut to make sure he wasn't going to get up again.

Autumn held her breath, her father wasn't grunting in pain, he wasn't moving.

There was no sound.

She didn't want to think what that meant, she couldn't.

"Get rid of them, they're too combative."

Cold fear spread from her gut to her toes - that voice, she understood it - it was _human_. The batarians answer him back, as though they understand and she's confused. Why is there a human helping them? She wanted to look, she wanted to twist her head and see but she doesn't want to bring attention to herself so she remains still.

"I don't give a shit if entire Shepard family brings in good creds, the rest of them are going to cause problems. We got the boy chipped and subdued. _Get. Rid. Of. Them_."

Shepard frowned, the words playing over in her mind, distracting her from the sound of the batarian dragging the body of her father towards her. His limp arm dropped heavily against her shoulder, forcing a gush of breath out of her lungs. She kept still, careful not to bring attention.

Still in denial.

_Pop._

The sound of the pistol shot didn't register at first, it was too... _quiet_. There was a huff of air that fluttered against her hair, her father's arm twitched against her own but she kept still.

Still _hoping_.

There was warmth that seeped through her shirt - she frowned again. It wasn't a sensation she was imagining, it was really warm against her skin. She wanted to nudge her father back, let him know she could feel him trying to get her attention or at least, get him moving again but she could feel the eyes of the batarian on her.

Watching.

Her face felt sticky, liquid gathered around her face and she couldn't quite figure out where it was coming from. Her nose tickled with it, and it crossed her mind that if she didn't at least move her face, she could potentially drown in the liquid gathering in the dirt.

She shifted her face, just enough to hurt the socket and force her to pull her lips back in a silent hiss, the liquid smearing her lips in the process. The smell hit her first, before the coppery taste filled her mouth.

 _Blood_ .

She was face down in a pool of it.

Her father's hand twitched again, this time she knew it wasn't because he was trying to get her attention delicately but it was nothing more than a body reflex, the brain still firing empty commands to the limbs as the blood starved itself of oxygen.

He was dead, she realised, and his _blood_ was in her _mouth_.

 

[Art by theenkindler](http://theenkindler.tumblr.com)

She screamed.

Her knees pushed at her father's body next to her, no longer caring if her captors thought her unconscious. Her voice rose higher, pitching to deafening decibels with panic as her boots dug into the dirt, rolling her into the unknown. Tears spilled from her one good eye when she finally opened them.

His listless eyes stared blankly towards her, his jaw slack in death. His skin was far too pale and there was so much blood.

It was _everywhere_.

A thick gulp of air squeezed into her lungs painfully, her eyes sweeping the damage before the stark realisation dawned on her that half his face was gone.

"Oh _maker_... daddy!" Autumn was screeching again, bile rose from the depths of her stomach and spilled from between her lips. A rough hand snatched at her long black hair, pulling the scalp painfully as the slaver tugged her head back, shouting at her to shut up, she was sure.

She couldn't look away from her father, she wouldn't.

The blood was cooling on her face, she could feel the thick liquid against her teeth and dripping down her neck. It was sticky as it seeped through her tank top. Autumn winced as the batarian pulled back her head again, her spine curving unnaturally to the point she was sure he was trying to snap her in half. The motion forced her to look at him but she wouldn't stop screaming. His thin brows were tightly knitted between his four eyes, his lips were moving in conjunction to clicks and shouts but she couldn't understand him.

She kicked out with all her might, striking the slaver at the apex of his thighs - he yelped, pulling her hair but didn't let go. He kicked her, successfully shutting her up and raised one hand up high, pistol set to strike her hard into welcomed oblivion but there was a bright blue light that filled the room and distracted him.

There was a new scream, but it wasn't from the subdued Shepard on the ground.

The batarian was knocked away, clear off his feet and into a wall. Autumn blinked in surprise for a moment, her eyes still watering from the painful grip of the slaver before she managed to clear up her sight and focused on the dimming glow.

"Autumn, thank the maker."

Ember stumbled towards her youngest sister, exhaustion apparent with each step. Autumn sobbed, her lips unable to move to express her relief to see _someone_ alive, openly weeping when her sister collapsed on all fours mere feet away from her, crawling to her.

"Listen to me," her sister whispered, her bloody fingers untying the bindings. Autumn can't help but notice how painfully slow her sister moves. The youngest girl blinked rapidly, trying to keep her tears from falling, trying to focus on her sister's words. "Dayton... he didn't survive the chip they put in him. He's dead."

"Wh-what?" She stuttered, her hands massaging the wrists as her eldest sister rubbed her forehead, she notices the fresh blood coming from her nose in a thick gush, her palms push hard against her eyes, as though a headache has anchored itself and won't let go.

"You need to get to the fox hole." Ember continues, leaning against her sister. She's become far too tired to keep up the charade that she's fine.

"Ok, let's go then." Autumn stood, her body protesting but she pulled at her sister's sleeve - Ember shook her head.

"I can't go with you," she sighed knowing her sister will argue, wasting precious time.

"No! I'm not leaving you here."

"I can't fit in the hole anymore, Autumn." Blue eyes meets green, one filled with stubborn pig-headedness, the other is resigned to the reality of the situation. She won't let her die here, she won't allow her sister to become a slave to the aliens. "Go. I can hold them off a little longer," Ember looks up from where she sits on the ground and Autumn notices how pale she is. For the first time she notices the blood dripping from her nose, from the corners of her eyes and the dried blood that trails from her ears.

Over-used her biotics, trying to save them, no - _her_.

"They're coming," there was a plea in Ember's voice that struck Autumn to the core. "Don't argue - run, hide - stay quiet and don't let them see you. Hide in the dark, don't speak, don't make a noise. Be invisible and save yourself."

The younger girl opened her mouth to argue once more but Ember pulled back her lips in a hiss, glows blue and Shepard felt herself lift from the ground and thrown clear across the way.

"GO!"

The sound of her oldest sister's voice echoed in the night, drowned out by the shot guns and the quick shots of the assault rifles. Dark energy amasses, she can feel the thick prickle of it in the air and she has to fight the urge to look back.

_Run._

_Hide._

_Don't let them see you._

An explosion, her sister's screams sputter into silence.

_Be invisible._

Autumn runs, but her heart broke with every breath.


	4. III. Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2170 CE - Mindoir

Something had changed, she knew. She wasn't quite sure what exactly had changed inside her but it made things _easier_. She crawled out of the fox hole, brushing the dirt from her face with quiet practice and slithered into the stalks of corn. 

Everything had gone quiet overnight after days of chaos. How long had it been since the slavers had come down on their sanctuary and annihilated any sense of peace? Days? Months? 

Shepard had lost track after that first day - the darkness from the fox hole was disorienting - she'd barely slept, she felt empty. Her gaze searched the surroundings, but strands of red hair caught her attention. She reached up, refusing to touch the last evidence that her sister had existed. 

This was a nightmare and she couldn't wake up. 

She closed her eyes, trying to will tears of grief to come but there was nothing left. Her entire world had shifted, tilted itself sideways and she couldn't stand up anymore. She had to find a way to contact the Alliance. She wasn't sure if they even knew they were attacked. 

Her belly growled in protest as she ignored the pang, tearing off a ear of corn, ripping at the green shucks to get at the raw kernels beneath. She bit into it, sucking the juice from it to calm her thirst and swallowing the few corns she could. She'd regret it later when the ache would settle in from eating the immature vegetable but she couldn't starve to death. Her sister would haunt her in the after-life and give her a piece of her mind. 

She missed her. 

Shaking her head, Autumn took control of her slipping emotions, it wasn't the time to dwell on things she had no control over. She took deep breath and put her plan in motion. She noted that the smoke had cleared from the sky yesterday so it meant that things were settling down or that the batarians had moved on to another farm. There was still the small pops and crackles from fires starving and snuffing themselves out, which meant there had been no help that had arrived, or no help available period. 

Autumn chewed her lower lip trying to summon the courage to check the farm. What was she afraid of? If she was right, everyone was gone and she could call for help. 

_They're_ still in there. 

She frowned at herself, the voice's accusation ringing inside her head. 

_No,_ she argued, _the slavers are gone._

_No, stupid,_ the voice snorted indignantly, _not the slavers._

Shepard chewed her lip, fingers bunching the hem of her filthy tank top. _You know exactly who I'm talking about, Autumn. You left them behind, they sacrificed everything to save you_ , the voice sneered. Guilt welded itself in the hollow of her chest, but she had no tears left. She had poured out her entire existence, all of her sorrow had clamped itself away the first few nights. She had to. She wouldn't be able to function and save herself if she didn't put it away and when she woke this morning, something had changed. 

She was numb. 

She marched quietly towards the remains of her home, chewing her lip and ignoring the dull ache around her eye that had settled to a throb. She peeked out from the garden, surveying the damage and she was shocked by her surroundings. 

Her home was gone, burnt to the ground. Charred bodies were displayed in a row on the front lawn and it became more than obvious that the slavers had moved on, leaving behind utter devastation and breaking Shepard even further. Flies swarmed them, bile churned inside her stomach but she didn't have the strength to wretch out the little food she had swallowed. 

She moved away from them, towards the barely standing shed and set to a new task, she had to find the shovel, she couldn't just... _leave_ them there. She stepped into the darkness of the shed, breathing relief for a moment to be out of sight and quietly searched for the item she needed. 

"Check the parameter." 

A human voice drifted in from outside the shed, Autumn stiffened - there had been humans with the slavers, maybe they realized they missed one and came back to finish the job. She pressed herself against the wall, seeking more darkness. 

_Be invisible. Don't let them see you._

Her foot found one of the smaller shovels they kept, she quietly bent down and took the handle in her hand, grasping it tightly, her heart hammering inside her chest. She peeked out and took note of five men, two had gone into the remnants of her home, the other two wandered off into the cornfield. She set her sight on the one man who was now hunched over her family. 

He strapped the assault rifle to his back, stood up again and took off his hat by the brim and rubbed at his shaved head, shaking it in disbelief. 

Autumn stepped out of the shed, her senses flaring to life and she quietly made her way to the man, shovel ready to strike. 

_Quiet, don't make a sound. Breathe in slowly - listen._

She's behind him, he still hasn't noticed her. She pulls back and readies the hit, fear running adrenaline through her blood as she tenses and strikes. 

He ducks out of the way, the shovel strikes his shoulder painfully, his eyes wide with surprise when he sees the enemy is a small human woman. 

"Whoa!" he shouts, hands raised in the air as he rolls away from the attack. Autumn lips pull back, infuriated that she missed. 

"Don't touch them, haven't you done enough already?" She shouts, the shovel bears down towards the dark skinned man but he easily captures it this time. The commotion has alerted his partners and they rush to his side, shouting at him if they have permission to shoot. 

Autumn struggles but she has no strength - hunger had won its fight and she can barely fight him off, her screams are primal, anger rolling off her in waves but the man does not hurt her. She finds herself face down into the burnt grass, trying to buck him off but he does nothing. 

He set his knee between her shoulder blades, holding her wrists and waited for her to stop moving. He motioned for his soldiers to stand down. They put away the weapons and returned to their previous task. 

He waits. 

She succumbed, subdued by her weakness, her fear and hunger. 

"That was impressive." He huffed out a pant, trying to get over his initial surprise. She said nothing, tried to buck him off again but he was not going anywhere and they both knew it. He continued to speak, trying to assess if she was really a danger. "Not everyone can sneak up behind a N7 and hit them with a shovel." He waited a moment for her reply but she stubbornly refused to indulge him. He sighed quietly, smirking. "Where did you learn to sneak around like that?" 

He gives her enough slack so she can turn her head and look at him, confusion etched perfectly on her filthy face. He takes a closer look and sees that it's not dirt, but dried up blood. He keeps his face impassive but his heart clenches with anger, this girl had survived the unimaginable. 

"Third body from the right," she whispers, he looks up, towards the remains laid out to rest. She is watching him carefully before continuing. "My sister was much better." 

The resignation in her voice was hard to miss and he decided that she was just a survivor, not a threat. 

"Child, the Alliance sent me to check out why the colony went dark two weeks ago." He peered down to her face, it had gone slack, she seemed to be considering the information and her eyebrows rose in surprise. 

"The Alliance? You're the rescue?" She seemed in complete shock. 

"We didn't know the colony needed rescue. The slavers hit all the right spots to clean this place out." he stood up, a hand out to help her up and she gladly took it. He noticed her frailty, her cheeks were sunken in and her eyes far too dark and hollow. He took out rations from his left pocket and handed it to her with a canister of water. 

"Eat, and tell me what happened here." 

Autumn finally takes the moment to just _watch_ him without the haze of fear. The red and white stripes from his shoulder to the tip of his middle finger were hard to miss and the N7 logo emblazoned on his chest demands her attention. She bit into the bar and took a long, meaningful gulp of the water he offered before she finally glanced at his face and realized that he is _smiling_ at her. His eyes are dark brown, lighter than his skin but they are the epitome of kindness. 

She took in a deep breath, her belly sated for now but her throat still felt grainy with thirst, she let the story pour out of her mouth, details that barely made sense. He asked a few questions here and there, trying to picture the horrific scene. He didn't try to stop her, he waited patiently, nodding at her and gave her encouraging smiles when she finally broke down into tears. He reached out and wiped her dirty cheeks when she stopped speaking, the silence growing awkward. 

"I'm sorry I hit you with my shovel," she murmured suddenly embarrassed, he was rescuing her and she went out of her way to try and kill him. Some welcome wagon she was. He didn't say anything, just gave her a side-long glance and nodded sharply before standing up and pulling at her arm gently. He guided her towards the Alliance shuttle and banged on the door to open it. 

"Don't worry, child-" 

"Shepard, call me Shepard." she interrupted. She didn't feel like a child any longer. She had earned her right into adulthood after this fiasco and she wasn't about to let that go. 

"Ok... _Shepard_ , let’s get you cleaned up, see the doc and we'll talk more on the ship." He paused, struggling with the next part, wondering if he should even mention it. He decided that this girl needed a goal, something to help her move on from this tragedy and he had just the thing. 

He looked at her, her chin tilted up proudly, her eyes hard with an emotion he couldn't quite pin down but she still had a fire deep down in her gut, he could tell. If anything, he was a good judge of character. 

"You got good potential to be an infiltrator, you know." He smirked when her eyebrow rose in interest. Good, the dead look in her eyes was gone. "And you can call me Anderson." 

She nodded, her tongue wrapping around the name to get used to it. She wasn't going to forget it, she knew that much. Anderson turned towards the driver and shouted over the revving engines to get her up into the stars, away from this nightmare. 

Earth. 

She looked down as the farm grew smaller by the second, her arms wrapping themselves around her torso as she whispered goodbye to her family, her home and looked through the window into the vastness of space and focused on the future, pushing away the current reality. 

_She was going to Earth._


	5. IV. Pen and Paper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2171 CE - Vancouver, Earth

Shepard's fingers gingerly touched the puckered scar across her cheek bone, losing herself in thought. It was hard to believe that six months had already passed since her old life had ended on Mindoir and it was a difficult adjustment. She bitterly admitted that city life was not what she imagined or anticipated and that Earth was vastly different from her home. 

Vancouver was suffocating; it was too large, too busy. Too loud. There wasn't enough sun and the rain was overwhelming - she missed the steady weather at the colony. She missed the gentle breeze; the smell of clean clothes set on the line, the rumble of the tractor on the horizon and oddly enough, snorting indignantly at the thought, even the smell of manure. 

Despite her best efforts, nightmares still ravaged her - memories of hiding from the slavers still haunted her and her family's ghosts still lingered. Guilt ate at her every time she looked in the mirror and saw reminisces of her mother's eyes in her own and the sharp angle of her father's chin when she turned just the right way. 

The numbness was still there, deeply-seated within her - she had tried to mourn further than that initial night but try as she might, she couldn't justify the tears, the sorrow. They were dead and she had to do everything in her power to ensure her survival. Even in this cement born life she found herself anchored in. 

But... things weren't working out very well. 

When she arrived on Earth, the Alliance had sought out any relatives that might take her in but it soon became clear that there would be no one to claim her, they all had migrated to Mindoir and now, they were dead. She was too old to be considered for adoption and too young to be left to her own devices; so as a temporary solution, until she turned 18, the Alliance had her crammed into a small apartment. It would have been fine had she been alone, but she had to share with other kids in a somewhat similar situation. 

But it hadn't been a complete waste, she sighed as she scrutinized the Vancouver horizon. 

As a ward of the Navy, they were prepping her to join them when she was old enough; Anderson had reported her impressive skill to sneak up on him and they had focused on that particular ability. They also soon discovered her keen affinity for technology and her mathematical prowess for engineering and hacking. 

Digging further into Shepard's family history revealed that her mother had been a prominent engineer in the Alliance several years ago but had left when she married a farmer and settled with him on Mindoir. Shepard had known her mother to be one mean hacker and she had loved tinkering with the family's omni-tool, developing it into more than just communication devices but it never occurred to her that she was a leading expert in her time. 

It was just... _normal,_ for their family, for their mother to literally nerd-out on anything electronic. 

The Alliance pushed to have her prepped in the engineering program but she outright refused. She wanted to be an infiltrator - she wanted to embody the memory of her sister's skill and her mother's brains. She would take them for everything they had and she would become the best there could be. 

She soon found out it wasn't that easy nor was it simple as she thought. 

She was still a child under the law and had to graduate from school before she could even join. But that didn't stop her, not in the least. She hounded Anderson for data pads, access to what he could pass her - she signed up for weapons training, programming classes and read up on all alien physiology she could find to learn how to effectively disable and kill enemies. 

She studied physics and engineering on her own time. All her spare time was dedicated in trying to figure out how to deflect light and adjust standard Alliance shields to cloak her visibility but she didn't have the right knowledge or the right equipment. 

She had to get into the Navy. She had things to do, she had to absolve her guilt by learning to protect herself, to stop depending on others to bring her out of tough spots. 

No one else would suffer such a dire fate because of her. 

She pressed her forehead to the window of her small bedroom, rain dripping down the pane in a soothing motion she loathed. Even the rain was loud in the city - she hated this idleness, the stillness of her life. 

She had to get out there, among the stars. 

She turned away, eyes set upon the data pad on her desk, flashing schematics to the latest weapons the military had released and sat down. Her mind wandered over the past for another brief second before she set it back, locked it tightly behind carefully sculpted walls and focused on her task. 

"Shepard?" 

She ignored the laughter coming from the living room; stared at her locked door and another set of knocks disturbed her small reprieve of peace. 

"Hey, Shepard - come out here. We got that Blasto movie that just came out." 

She worried her lower lip, debating if she should answer him, the newest boy that had joined their little gathering of the lost. She narrowed her eyes at the door, her hand absently rubbing at the velvet of her new buzz cut. She had decided to shed her long black hair a few weeks back. Mindoir had left her with a sour taste in regards to being fashionable and according to the recruit manual for the Alliance, the regulations left very little choice for hair styles, none of which she found appealing in the least. She decided that, in the end, if she was going to be in the thick of things with the Navy, it would be easier to just shave it off. 

Another knock. 

"Shepard...?" 

She didn't answer. Her roommates weren't surprised when he returned alone. 

She turned her back to the door, her eyes focused on the bland grey sky - Shepard never came out of her room unless she had to. 

She didn't have the time. 

She couldn't _allow_ herself to have the time, because _they were all dead, and it was all her fault._


	6. V. Test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2172 CE - Vancouver, Earth

This was it. 

Her heavy boots marched across the street with an excitement she had kept in check for far too long. She was eighteen today and it was time for her to leave behind the past and start anew; time to leave those idiots in the apartment and break free from their idle talk and unmotivated schemes. 

She was ready. 

She stopped at the curb, her gaze following slow moving transports; the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife. It was going to rain again, she could feel it deep inside her bones, and her cheekbone ached every time, reminding her of what she lost. 

"Damn weather," she murmured - she stepped off the curb and followed the skyline to the Recruitment center for the Alliance, Anderson's directions still fresh in her memory. He had contacted her yesterday, to wish her luck - she didn't think she needed it but the smallest seed of doubt had managed to slip in, spreading itself languidly. 

She closed her eyes, steadying herself against the doubt - she couldn't afford to doubt anything. Autumn slowed her pace. She turned her face towards the sky and took in a deep breath. 

She could do this. 

There was nothing holding her back, she had to cross this hurdle to _move on_. She was at the precipice of a dangerous standstill and her past threatened to catch up and drag her back. 

She had to do this. No matter what the cost. 

Shepard took in another deep breath, her eyes opened defiantly against the dark clouds - they drizzled as she scorned the sky and she took a hold of her thoughts and pushed the past away once more. The recruitment center came into view finally, she smirked, her mind going over every piece of knowledge she'd scrapped and gathered over the last two years. 

She stopped short of the two tall glass doors, thunder softly rumbled across the clouds as she blinked, nerves ravaging her confidence again. 

Did she belong here? 

She was just a farm girl from a decimated colony. Orphaned against her will, struggling to understand why this had happened to her. No matter what the psychologist said, no matter what Anderson asked of her - there was no valid reasoning behind the tragedy besides filling her with a rage she could barely contain. 

Could she keep her own hatred in check when she faced the enemy that brought so much devastation? Could she work with the various people that belonged to the races that uprooted everything in her life? 

She reached for the doors, hands still shaking with uncertainty, she bit her lower lip and wondered if she passed this test, if she became part of this vast universe as an Alliance officer, would she be able to forgive? 

Shepard frowned. 

That was another test entirely and until she found herself in that situation, there would be no way for her to be sure she would be able to see past her own short comings - see past the ghosts. 

She yanked her arm back, the glass door swung back silently and she stepped inside the building, her head held high with pride as she sought out the room she was assigned to. 

Little did she know, the universe watched in bathed breath as Shepard sat down in a small, plain white room with maybe a dozen other kids fresh out of high school - looking for adventure and an easy check. 

She looked around and wondered what she was getting herself into. 


	7. VI. Annoyance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2173 CE - Alliance HQ, Earth

Shepard straightened, her skin itched under the new undershirt of her uniform - it had been barely a year since she'd finished boot camp and steadily worked towards her goal to enter the Special Forces. She needed to refine her infiltrator skills, if she learned one thing in the past year, is that she knew absolutely nothing.

So far it had been pure hell and it didn't help either that the instructor had it out for her, she was sure.

"Private, you will be spending the day with this." Sergeant Taylor stood in front of her; the woman's eyes were sharp, narrowed to near slits as she spoke far too loudly. Shepard ignored the spit that spread across her face as she stared ahead.

The rod buzzed, its sharp metal teeth clinked angrily as her superior turned it on and off. She realized it was an old fashioned mass effect razor. Shepard refrained from sighing with annoyance; mocking her superior hadn't quite worked out for her so far.

"Report to Major Roberts," Shepard stood to attention as the petite woman before her angrily handed her the clippers and pointed her towards the next room. The private waited several moments as her superior officer marched away and out of sight.

Autumn sighed, her arms relaxing as soon as she turned on her heels and headed to her temporary post, her fingers curled around the shaver. She entered the larger room, noticed rows of men and women waiting to get their hair shaved or trimmed. She remembered her first day as a recruit quite clearly, she had already shaved it a head of time - eager to rid herself of a possible weakness in her military career.

_Red silk strands flickered through her memory, stuck to the stalks of corn, she could see the scout between the rows, following her sister's hair..._

Shepard shook herself mentally, trying to shed away the memory but it didn't work - she saluted the Major.

_Batarian fingers slid through her own long dark locks... pulling until the scalp ached. Her knees scrapping against the ground as the slaver dragged her from the rooms of her home to the basement, fingers still locked in a death grip on her hair._

"Shepard - at ease."

"Sir," she saluted crisply, a practiced motion she took much pride in. The older man eyed her; she squared her shoulders a little more and raised her chin. She could sense he was weighing her - the puckered scar tingled under scrutiny, her blue eyes remained locked on a point above his shoulder and her lips pressed in a tight line.

He nodded in approval, pointed to a chair and ordered her to take position there. Shepard saluted again, the Major dismissing her without a second thought and she made her way to her post. Shepard arched a brow in wonder as the bright red cushioned chair came into view - other privates were standing behind them with a much different tool in their hand.

She flicked the mass effect clippers on and off in her hands, pressing her lips together in irritation - she turned on her heels and started to walk towards the CO but she didn't get very far before his voice boomed across the room with a new set of orders.

"We've got a lot of recruits this year, most of them haven't had a decent haircut in years," Shepard turned back to her post, eyeing the clippers - she wasn't even sure what setting it was on. She listened to the orders garble on, her irritation mounting, and watched the first recruit walk through the doors and head towards her.

The man, she noted, had a long legged swagger that caught her attention for a brief moment. She eyed his boots and noted that they were perfectly shined, right down to the laces even loops, quietly swaying in tempo with each step. Her gaze climbed up the shapely calves and thighs and lingered at the hips before he stopped in front of her, saluting her. The vast expanse of his chest distracted her for a moment, her fingers flicking the clippers on and off before her eyes travel up the cleft chin, the smooth olive coloured skin and met his eyes.

She blinked – surprised by what she saw there; his eyes were not just a plain brown, but rum coloured with honey flecks throughout the iris. There was a distinct sense of stubbornness about them, a determination that would not waver no matter the consequence. She found she _liked_ that, her curiosity piqued.

As the man watched her, Shepard tried not to notice his high cheek bones or his straight and dignified nose that twitched slightly when her gaze continued to soak in his presence. It didn't take long for her to realise that the one thick and perfect eyebrow that arched high in confusion, was aimed at her; his salute hadn't been returned. Shepard refrained from rolling her eyes, she returned the crisp salute immediately and flipped the chair around, her hand gripping the headrest tightly as she motioned for him to sit down.

He acknowledged the silent order with a curt nod and sat down, nervously glanced over his shoulder, and bent his face forward a little when her fingers curled into the nape of neck and she tugged at the longest strands there. She resisted the urge to let her fingers touch the skin below the hair line and explore the muscles – she noted he was tense. Her fingers quickly judged the correct length for his hair, she ignored the coarse, silky feel of each wavy black strand and she eyed the clippers, fidgeting with the right setting for a moment before she started to dip it towards his head.

He flinched, barely, but she still noticed it.

“Ah, ma’am...?”

The clippers snapped and grinded empty air before she stopped, leaning forward a bit to catch his nervous glance.

“What is it?” she tried to sound neutral, but even to her own ears her voice was irritable. She needed to work on that, she couldn’t let her emotions bleed into her interactions or she’d keep getting into trouble with the superiors.

“Ah, if you wouldn’t mind not making it as short as yours,” he began, his long fingers brushing at the nape of his neck as though he was unsure. She raised a brow.

“It’s regulation to have it at-“

“I know... ma’am, it’s just...”he sighed, shoulders slumping a bit. She waited, a bit irked at his interruption but he glanced at her again, brows furrowed in concern for a moment before he brought both his hands behind his neck and spread the hair there for her to see.

There was a small triangular object at the base of his skull, embedded in the skin. She recognized the jack immediately and pursed her lips in thought.

"You're a biotic," she stated quite comfortably, the recruit under her scrutiny fidgeted and nodded quickly, she rubbed her forehead before reaching out again, pulling at the hair gently to re-evaluate the cut. Her fingers carefully spread around the amp, eyeing the scar tissue around the metal and the size of it. It was smaller than that of her sister's but she could work around it. "Luckily for you, I had a sister who had the same particular issue."

The man turned to face her, eyebrows raised high in wonder, she winked at him and motioned for him to lean back so she could work. Her index touched the amp again, softly - missing the shiver that ran through the recruit's back. He cleared his throat once, twice before she flicked the clippers on again and set to work.

"So tell me, ma’am," he asked her, the huskiness of his voice was barely audible over the buzz of the clippers, "What brought you to the Alliance?"

"Same ole reasons," she quipped back, unwilling to divulge anything but they fell into a comfortable silence as she trimmed and felt her way around his head and for the first time in nearly two years, a genuine smirk curled the corners of her lips.

[art by theenkindler](theenkindler.tumblr.com)


	8. VII. Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2173 CE - Titan Moon, Space Station

Had she been asked her six years ago where she thought she would find herself at the age of nineteen, she would never had imagined this scenario. Shepard took in a deep breath and stared out of the large bay window in the mess hall - outer space stared back, stars twinkling from the deepest depths she couldn't even phantom to see. 

The universe was far more vast, she felt like the smallest particle of dust in the wind. Her hands spread out against the panes of the glass, her heart beating just a little bit faster. She'd managed to surpass her own expectations. 

"Shepard, let's go." 

She saw another private turn the corner and head towards the zero-gravity training hangar. She frowned, her gloved hands falling back to her sides and grasping her helmet. She'd been in space before, lots of times, as a passenger of a freight ship or an escape shuttle. 

She'd never actively gone zero-g, or done any sort of combat training in the environment and she wasn't sure how this would all pan out. She was an exemplary sniper in her field, a potential best for the Alliance if she was groomed right but... doing this while floating was a bit disconcerting. She stood straight, shoulders squared with the weight of her responsibility resting on them as she headed to the hangar. 

She stepped through the large doors, there was maybe a handful of people in the same gear, all standing in a straight line across the room, Shepard marched towards them and followed their example, standing tall with just as much confidence as she could muster next to the others while facing the uncertainty of this training. 

"Mag boots are one of the most encumbering things you'll own as a space faring soldier," Gunnery Chief Ellison announced as he entered the large chamber. He turned towards the recruits and crossed his arms. Shepard noted that his gear was worn, comfortable as he moved with ease towards the group. He stood in front of them, checking the seals on his gloves. He looked up, eyeing one recruit with calculation. She knew that look, Shepard felt a nervous jitter in the pit of her stomach. He pointed at the clock on the wall where a timer started from sixty. They had one minute to check themselves and be ready. 

Shepard placed the helmet on her head, fingers flicking across the seals of her helmet. She adjusted the tubes on the back, making sure they were clipped tightly against her to avoid them snagging on anything. She looked up towards the instructor for a split second before turning on the boots. The sharp snap of the magnetic forced her legs forward in an awkward angle that took some getting used to. 

The sudden loss of gravity made her stomach pinwheel - the instructor walked in a straight line towards the few gathered in the room, effortlessly. She could feel each step snap down to the metal with a muffled clank. 

"Most of you are still earth whelps - never been in this kind of environment, haven't even left earth before. Some of you," he looked at Shepard, who kept looking straight out, her hands gathered at the small of her back in a relaxed stance, "Have been out in space but only traveled with the gravity on." 

He stood before Shepard, eyeing her through the visor of her helmet before moving on, "You will be learning to master your space, your lack of weight and to counter the motion of your weapons pushing against you. This will be a particularly difficult task for the snipers. It's hard to hide when your body wants float away." He stopped at the other end of the line, his hands behind his back as he stepped back and spread out his arms in a welcoming motion. 

"Now, take a step." 

The order was simple enough, Shepard took a step forward and promptly lost her balance as her feet remained unmoving from their spot. She felt the heat in her cheeks as she struggled to find herself upright again, the lack of gravity made it difficult to regain her sense of balance. She was glad to see that only one had managed it, and even then it wasn't a fluent movement like that of their instructor. The poor sap was struggling to take the next step while the rest just flailed comically. 

"First things first - over the next several months, will you learn to wield a weapon and learn how to fight hand-to-hand in zero-G, but first, you have to learn to adjust your mag boots." The instructor smirked at them, getting a kick out of their mistake. Shepard was sure this was a regular occurrence and it was one of the few things the man looked forward to every year. 

She hadn't felt this stupid in a long time. 


	9. VIII. Stripes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2174 CE - Rio, Interplanetary Combatives Training (ICT)  
> Qualifying for N1

She felt sick - exhaustion settled deep in her bones and she fought a wave of tears as she stared up towards the starry sky. She should be sleeping. _She should be..._

She blinked, swallowing hard, ready to give up. She closed her eyes, her mind wandering over each ache and pain, her blistered feet protested every wiggle, her bloodied fingers couldn't tear apart another sniper rifle if they wanted. She curled to her side, listlessly staring out to the side. 

What was she doing here? 

Anderson's face filtered in her mind's eye, the day he rescued her from Mindoir crawled back to the surface. The bright red stripe on his arm had attracted her attention from the first moment she realised he was a friendly and not a slaver. She didn't know what it had meant at the time and now that she knew, she regretted ever getting that letter of commendation from Hackett. 

Top of her unit and it hadn't been enough, she had needed to be even better and sought out the challenge from Anderson; he promised. He delivered. 

_"N training is for the elite of the Military, Shepard. It will spit you out if you don't take it seriously."_

He had warned her - she had still landed in Rio with a cocky smile, she dismissed it all. It didn't take long before she realised she knew nothing and she was just a FNG with no skill. The Shepard that had strolled off that shuttle two weeks ago was long gone. This new Shepard was torn, beaten and ready to admit she was just an asshole and had learned her lesson. 

She'd already failed once. 

Pure stubbornness at this point was the only thing keeping her in the game, keeping the demons at bay but her willpower was wearing thin. Four hours of sleep a day, little to no food for two weeks. 

_She was falling apart._

She curled into herself, the pangs of hunger barely noticeable, the ocean air swirled, the cool air flirted against her skin and she couldn't even bring up the energy to let her skin prickle. 

Why was she doing this? 

Her sister's red hair twisted in front of her, she reached out without thought, trying to capture the strands. They fell into a solid strip - blood red, proud against the white and black of armor. Anderson's stern face twisted into the memory, she frowned as his lips moved, reminding her that she had made a promise to her ghosts. They demanded she reach higher - she had to; it was _her fault_ they were just mere memories and she lived. Her hand dropped to the ground, pushing the thought back down into the depths of her memory but it stubbornly rose to the surface. 

She was so _tired_. Tired of the guilt, of the fight - tired of pretending she was some out of this world infiltrator. She was nothing and she was seriously contemplating staying there. She wasn't sure she wanted to go any further, she felt insecure, unsure of each step. Doubt etched itself inside the hollow of her chest and she wondered if she had expected too much of herself, if she had overestimated her skill and confidence. 

The red stripe stretched across her closed eyes, the white entwined against the sharp crisp black of Onyx gear and she could have sworn she heard her mother's disappointed sigh. 

Who was she kidding? 

The thrill of learning something new, increasing her ability to go beyond what was normal made her thrive to be even better and it didn't get any better than this. The feel of new high grade weapons between her fingers, the scope on her target, the buzzing of her new cloak upgrades. The thought of learning new hacks and the fundamental idea of utilising her engineering skill in some sort of fantastic unknown way sent near orgasmic shivers down her spine. 

_Suck it up, princess,_ her sister's voice chastised her. 

She rolled over unto her back, the aches fading as she opened her eyes, determination set tight on her brow and raised a closed fist to the Heavens. She will earn that Stripe, the blood she spills to earn the right to show her peers she survived, she conquered and dominated this program would be her source of inspiration. 

She closed her eyes, a grin curling her lips as her hands gathered to her chest - tomorrow was another day and she had a team to lead and bring back to base. 


	10. IX. Traps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2177 CE - Undisclosed Space Station  
> N3 Qualifying

"Come on Shepard, I thought you were the best at this," Shepard ignored Wilkins as she eyed her omni-tool, the data filtering across the small screen. 

"I am," she murmured, eyes still glued to the screen, filtering the data. She smirked when she found the string she needed and popped her hand up to the lock and her omni-tool turned bright orange. The lock clicked softly and she pried it open, darkness enveloping both of them as the stepped inside the room. She flicked on her shield, the buzz of electricity drawing the attention of her partner before she ducked behind some containers. 

She could see the computer from her position - she motioned to Wilkins, who whispered his acknowledgement in the comm. They parted ways, sneaking around the room. She was the first to reach the computer, her omni-tool already up and ready to go when she waved her hand over it and initiated the hacking. 

Several seconds ticked by, she could sense the eyes of Wilkins on her as he checked the parameter. Something wasn’t right. This simulation was going far too smoothly. 

Her tool beeped and a red circle popped up over the screen. 

" _Shit._ " 

Her fingers flew into a frenzy, crunching numbers and files as the counter attack invades her own hardware. Shepard disconnected herself from the computer and looked up just in time to hear the alarm blare its high pitch siren. 

"Shepard! What the fuck-" 

"Get down!" She shouted, seconds before the automatic guns drop from the ceiling. Her eyes widened in panic as the guns spun around and opened fire - she leapt from behind the desk towards Wilkins, taking him down with her as the guns did another sweep of the room. 

For a few seconds, everything was quiet. Shepard checked over the burly marine before she checked her own gear. No signs of broken seals, they were good for now. 

The ground dropped from under her feet. 

"Eep!" 

Wilkins blinked. 

"Eep? Is that all you can come up with?" 

"Shut up," she whispered harshly, her body floating awkwardly through the small space between the crates that rose from the ground. "They cut the gravity." 

"Really?" 

She shot Wilkins a withering glare - she took in a deep breath and waited for the bombardment of objects to slow in their climb to the ceiling. She eyed the door and saw the bright red circle indicating they were locked in again. She pushed off towards the entrance they had snuck in a few minutes before and brought up her omni-tool, she glanced towards her partner who skillfully glided through the space towards her. 

"I wouldn't-" his warning came too late, Shepard had already made her move. He sighed. 

The siren blared again, she struck the doors with her fists in frustration as the gravity returned as soon as her omni-tool flashed red, the triangular warning shorting out her instrument. 

"Fuck!" she kicked at the door, sighing, collapsing on her back. 

The lock turned green and swished open. Her instructor standing above the two recruits, scrambling to get up, she could feel his glare through the helmet. "Since this is a simulation, I don't need to remind you that if this was real, you'd be dead, or worse, captured." 

Shepard could feel the heat of shame burning her cheek. Another mistake to add to the list she had to rectify. 

"You're both staying here until you pass this; unless you blow me out of the fucking water or you will be taking a long walk out of the shortest airlock we have on this space station. Understood?" 

"Yes, sir!" They saluted in perfect unison. 

" _Again_." 

They stepped out into the corridor, exhaustion settling into her bones - she sheepishly looked over to Wilkins who glared at her, putting himself back into his previous starting position. She sighed, shoulders drooping in defeat. Yeah, she screwed up - hacking programs always adapted and they counter attacked \- why had she fucked that up? Her mind went over all the details and the pattern was the same as before - she got worried; got too concerned over Wilkins. 

She pressed her lips together, ' _Stop worrying about other people, they're at the same level as you in here and they can handle themselves, just focus on your task, your mission'._

__

She had to adapt and conquer, she couldn't let anything distract her. She crouched near the door, her brow knitted together with determination as her omni-tool flickered back to life and they waited for the light to turn red. 

_Beep._


	11. X. Trouble Lurking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2177 CE - Akuze

Crouching behind her commanding officer, Shepard watched Williamson take point and motion for her to follow silently through the ruins of the colony. 

The area had been decimated, partial homes left standing, and swollen bodies littered the grounds as flies swarmed them. She avoided looking at them as much as possible; she didn't want to instigate the memory of her family's own decay into the fray of this nightmare. 

The colony had gone dark over a week ago, the brass wasn't taking any chances after Mindoir so they sent a whole platoon to investigate - including an N operative. She wasn't high in the ranking but it was still an impressive feat to have climbed to number 3 in such a short time. 

Her communicator sparked to life, the lieutenant's voice flooding her helmet. 

"Negative contacts." 

"Roger," she replied, motioning to her own team that they could rise up from cover and search on their own. She felt the ball of stress unwind as Williamson approached her. She admired him for a moment, appreciating the man before taking her gaze back to her Carnifex, pretending to pick at it. 

"So, Shepard," he leaned in next to her, his tone both serious and something else. 

"Yes, sir?" she let the corners of her lips curl up in response. They had known each other for a few weeks, working closely as officers but the underlying attraction hadn't been missed. 

"What do you think happened here?" His blue eyes watched her own, they dropped to her lips as she bit her lower lip in thought, analysing the situation. 

"Some sort of sudden and violent attack, to state the obvious." Her gaze swept the area, "Also, it would seem some sort of weapon was used to melt the metal of the colonists housing units." 

Wlliamson contemplated her observations, agreeing silently. "Think it was slavers?" he looked away from her, frowning at the body of a child not too far from them. It all seemed so senseless. 

"No, there's no sign of slavers. The colonists were taken by surprise, the giant hole in the middle of the colony seems to suggest that whatever or whoever attacked, came from underground." 

"Strange, isn't?" he murmured to himself, Shepard shrugged - she'd seen similar tactics in her N training. It wasn't the most brilliant tactic, but it was efficient and deadly if you had the force to pull it off. "No foot prints, no enemies dead. There’s lots of large holes, and destruction – not to mention that 100% death rate, from what we can tell." 

Shepard stood to attention, waiting wordlessly. 

"Come on, let's do a final sweep for evidence and set up camp further from this ghost town," he stood up straight, clapping his hands together to clear the dust before reaching out for Shepard, she looked around a little to see if anyone was watching before accepting his waiting hand and he pulled her in for a brief kiss. 

"Still letting me take you out on that date?" he murmured before letting her go, she felt her cheeks burn slightly. 

"You know it," she smirked as he stepped away and back into his role as the leader. 

Her gut twisted - she had a bad feeling but she wasn't sure if it was her decision to allow herself to date the lieutenant or if it was the ghosts of the town warning her of a danger she couldn't escape. She looked over her shoulder, wondering what exactly had caused such devastation before she straightened herself and followed Williamson to their task. 


	12. XI. Seeing Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2177 CE - Akuze

The sounds came from under the ground. 

Shepard woke with a start from her vintage point, her body protested at the curled position she had forced herself into while sleeping against the rock she had chosen to perch herself. Her shift was supposed to be in a few hours and she had refused to make her way up from camp to here in the darkness. 

She blinked, confusion apparent on her face before the tremors shook violently, lurching her from her seat and sprawled onto the ground. 

"Oomph," her breath was forcefully pushed out of her lungs as she scrambled to wake up, adrenaline coursing through her veins as she tried to orient herself in the darkness. She reached for her rifle, blinking away the dust that was loosened by her far from graceful actions. She popped up the scope and peered in, trying to see what was going on below. 

The camp was still quiet, only one person had come out of the metal temporary campers and was looking around, she zoomed in and noted it was Williamson. She smirked, eyeing the lieutenant for a moment before moving on to check the parameters. The tremor had settled but she was still feeling uneasy - the shock of seeing the colony so completely decimated by an unknown had sent her into the grips of paranoia. 

"Corporal?" Her fingers pressed against her com quickly, trying to rouse her superior and report the strange occurrences but there seemed to be interference on the line; static blared in her ear instead of his reply and she tried to raise him again but there was no response. She worried her bottom lip for a moment before peering over the edge. 

Everything was quiet. 

The rocks around her lurched suddenly, she felt her body tip forward as gravity pulled in two different directions; her arms flailed comically as the ground shifted in protest at the sudden explosion of energy. Shepard fell hard on her ass as rocks and dust fell around her, she ducked out of sight, instantly turning on her cloak and blinked in a moment's reprieve. 

The shadow of the night was far too dark around her, the moon blotted out by something. Shepard frowned, cautiously stuck out her head from behind the rock she had hidden herself behind and felt her breath hitch in shock. 

There, straight up out of the ground, maybe 200 feet from her position, was a huge worm-like _monster_. She blinked, trying to get her adrenaline under control but it was running wild in her blood and she watched with horror as it moved towards her. 

"Corporal!" she hissed again in her communicator; this time she could not hide the fear in her voice - still nothing but static bleeped back at her and fear froze her in place. The worm swayed from right to left, it's large jaws splitting open and it let out a shriek, a hiss of liquid flew out of its mouth before it dove head first into the rocks of the mountain surround the colony and their camp. Shepard shouted in surprise as the goo landed near her post, the vile scent of it had her head reeling but she recognized it. It was the same stench of death that they had found at the decimated colony. 

This was the culprit. 

Shepard shot up to her feet, her mind clear of fear as hot anger pulsed through her. This thing slaughtered the families? This enormous thing had destroyed the livelihoods of hundreds of families? She pressed her communicator again, this time linking to the LT. 

"Williamson, sir!" she was shouting, there was no static on this line from what she could tell but his response was still slow. 

"What, Shepard?" 

"Hostile, incoming - 100 feet from camp, at your six!" 

"One hostile? Can't take care of it, Shepard?" she could hear him smirking but she wasn't in the mood, jumping over ledges and rocks, she followed the rising dust of the monster's movements. She had to get there faster. 

_Move it, Shepard._

"Yes, sir - One Hostile, about 600 feet in length 50 to 70 feet wide. I don't think a single head shot will take it down, despite my skill, sir." She didn't wait for his reply, her mind already calculating the best options to bring that thing down quickly. 

She didn't know anything about this _thing_. The sheer size of it was completely overwhelming her thought process but... she couldn't freeze up now. She had to get her shit together. 

The camp's alarms blared, an ugly sound that startled Shepard, making her stumble - marines poured out of the temporary homes, most of them still pulling on gear as sleep still ravaged them. 

"What are you _doing_! Turn that alarm off!" She shouted at the comm, anger flaring throughout her body. They were drawing its attention to the camp. She stopped in her tracks, her eyes adjusting to the change in the light as she approached camp and pulled up her scope, trying to see how much further the worm had moved. 

There was nothing happening. No dust, no earth tremors. 

She had a bad feeling when the camp suddenly went dark. 

"Shepard?" 

A voice, broken by static scratched in her ear, she slowed her pace as the hair on the back of her neck stood on end in warning - her hand flew to her helmet and she screamed. 

"Get out! Move it!" 

Too late. 

Dirt and rocks exploded from the center of camp as the large head of the worm appeared from underground, its large mandibles spread open and snapping wildly at the marines, trying to run and fight at the same time. There was a deep gurgle from the beast, a hiss before it spat something gooey at the temporary quarters. Shepard could hear the screams of those trapped inside the buildings, they were shrill and short, thankfully. 

Shepard's face twisted in disgust as a stench wafted from the encampment - acid - it wasn't long before she clued in that the monster was actually _spitting_ it from its mouth. 

"Thresher maws!" 

Williamson's declaration echoed in the chaos - a pang of worry and disbelief at the identity of the alien cut through but she ignored it, pushing it away. Shepard picked up the pace, her Widow strapped to her back and she pulled out her pistol, almost wondering what the fuck a pistol could do against something so enormous. 

The darkness welcomed her into the camp, chaos rampant as soldiers panicked and scattered around the falling debris. Dodging rocks with ease, Shepard ran towards Williamson. The thresher maw screeched, its pincers snapping at anything that moved, dozens of bodies laid about but she made a point to ignore them. She didn't see them, she told herself, she _wouldn't_. 

The cold realisation that she was failing her unit threatened to crash down on her but she pushed it away, she cut herself off from the reality that was rapidly falling apart at the seams around her. Williamson spotted Shepard, relief apparent for a moment before another tremor caught him by surprise and knocked him off his feet - the maw collapsed onto the ground, crushing everything below it. 

"No!" she shouted, watching her superior disappear under a cloud of dust, swirling into a storm that blinded her for a moment. She heard the maw burst out of the gaping hole and burrowed into another while a strange mixture of fear and rage bubbled from inside her gut; _he couldn't be dead. They had just started..._

"Shit," she heard him, just barely - a gurgle. She hopped over more debris, and landed next to him; she tried to swallow back her shock - he laughed at her expression. 

"Don't look so -" he winced, '... _can't even get the words out_ ' he thought to himself as pain raged through him. He couldn’t feel past his hips but the smell of flesh and acid were acrid in the air. He was actually kind glad he couldn’t feel anything, once he pried his eyes open and saw exactly what had Shepard so... _troubled_. He ignored the glassy look of her eyes when her nimble fingers reached for him but he stopped her. The acid is powerful, it would hurt her more than his paralysed body. 

"Get to the Mako," he leaned back, his head hung weirdly as she tried to regain a little dignity but half his body is missing or melting. He couldn’t even get a solid grip to pull himself up any further. 

"Why the Mako?" he noticed that Shepard had a bit of strength back into her voice, but her eyes were still glassy. He sighed and pointed at her drawn pistol. 

"Because the Mako has more firepower than your shitty ass Carnifex," he coughed once, the dirt swirling into his failing lungs but he still manages to smile at her. She narrowed her eyes, ready to argue with him on the pros and cons of the heavy pistol but her face immediately drops into a stoniness he didn't recognize. He'd only known her a few weeks but he _knew_ this wasn't a face he liked seeing. "At least it can actually put a dent in that fucker," he breathed out a laugh when her lips quirked a little into a sympathetic smile. 

"Yeah, let's get you-" 

"No," he said simply. 

"Don't give me that shit, _sir_." 

"Get to the Mako, that’s an order Shepard." 

He watched her beautiful face harden, her lips thin out in contempt - he knew her well enough that he knew she would never disobey a direct order; she might be the N operative on this mission, but he was still her superior. 

"Aye, aye sir." 

Shepard stood to attention, her eyes staring a head and he noticed in that instant that the woman he had begun to know was pushed back and the N3 operative was brought forward. 

"Shepard?" 

She stopped the retreat, waiting for him to continue, she wouldn't look back, and he didn't mind, he knew she was barely hanging on to her emotions - at least he hoped. 

"Yeah?" 

"Thanks, for giving me a chance at that date," he murmured, regret slowly sneaking in - he had hoped to take her to the citadel, show her around but things... things always changed so suddenly. He liked her, could even have loved her, he was sure, but Shepard didn't need him. He knew that deep down, she didn't lean on anyone for anything and he used that to his advantage. He watched nod her acknowledgement of his final goodbye and she broke into a run, ducked out of sight. He looked up to the stars - for a brief moment there was silence. 

He took in a deep breath, feeling his life growing weak he tuned into his surroundings, the sounds of slaughter finally seeping in and he felt something heavy on his chest. Wincing, he looked down - he noted that the acid burns were no longer a numbed sensation, his limbs felt as though they were on fire and the pain worked its way through his body. Bile churned in his stomach, his eyes settled on the ratty Carnifex on his chest and he let out a bark of laughter. 

Shepard... she thought of everything. His one remaining hand reached out to his chest and grasped the handle affectionately, a smile on his lips before pressing the chamber to his temple. The sound of a single shot, her own heavy pistol, slammed into her - he had understood. She wouldn't allow him to suffer any longer, she owed that to him - most of his body was gone, melted away. He wouldn't have recovered even with the best of care credit could buy, guilt twisted inside her but she pushed it away. 

_Get to the Mako_ . 

She could hear the sound of the maw crawling underground, her small feet sounded like thunder claps as she ran towards her destination. Sweat slicked down her temples, her heart slammed into her chest as she reached out for the vehicle. The maw busted from the ground, mandibles snapping viciously as it made a dive for her comrades again, and again. 

She pried the Mako's door open and collapsed into the driver seat before scrambling to seal the door behind her. She could hear her own deep panicked breaths as she leaned against the steering handles, squeezing her eyes shut in grief. 

_I'm sorry_ . 

She leaned back, her helmet still ringing with static, she quickly took the seals down and threw it across the cabin in frustration - anger so hot in the pit of her belly she could have sworn she was seeing red. She couldn't do shit by herself in the Mako, she gritted her teeth while eyeing the guns mounted on the top of the vehicle. 

How was she going to do this? 

The sharp sound of hydraulics startled her, bringing her attention immediately to the door. She reached for her pistol absent-mindedly and resisted the urge to swear at herself for forgetting she left it with Williamson - her gaze landed on the intruder. 

"Toombs," her eyes wide with relief, she let go of a breath she didn't know she’d held. 

"Shepard? Well, thank the fucking Maker I got someone with brains and brawn. I'll man the guns, you drive." 

She saluted him crisply, shouted a _"Sir, yes sir"_ and revved up the engine before he was even inside and up the gun - her foot was pressed down hard on the gas and they were gone. 

The Mako lurched into action, drawing the thresher's attention as Toombs fired the guns, warming up the canon. Shepard pressed her foot down harder onto the pedal, the wheels skidding on rocks and debris as she gripped the handles - the creases of her gloves bit into her skin, she could feel her knuckles crack as she held on for her life. 

"Left, marine!" 

The screech of the maw shook her to the core, the canon shot once, a boom that made her teeth rattle but she kept her mind focused on the orange panels that blinked to life in front of her and swerved to the left. 

Her body protested against the pull, she heard Toombs swear up a storm as he lost his grip and his shot strayed, losing precious ammo - the Mako lifted slightly as the sharp angle of the turn nearly toppled them. 

"For fuck's sake, Shepard -" Another screech, this time it was followed by the distinct sounds of a hiss. Shepard floored it even more, praying for the vehicle to somehow manage to withstand such abuse. 

"Right, Shepard, to the fucking right!" 

She obeyed, but with less zeal, the Mako keeping all six wheel on the ground this time. She allowed herself to grin for a moment when the canon shot and Tombs laughed out a _Fuck you, maw_. 

Another screech, the boom of an acidic spit ball barely had time to register before Tombs screamed for her to hit the thrusters. Up they went and the Mako bounced once, twice before gripping the dirt of the planet and squealed in place for what seemed like hours. 

"Come on, Shepard, stop fucking around its coming back!" Tombs barked at her as he stuck out his head from the top, surveying the damage. She could see the report blinking on the top left of her screen, one tire was blown out and the integrity of the hull was decreasing by the second. 

"What's the damage on the maw?" she shouted up, the Mako was back up to full speed and in control. Toombs didn't respond at first, he was still eying the beast. 

"I shot off two mandibles and some chunks of its body," he reported, a smugness she recognized herself - it reeked of _we're going to win this_. 

"Thrusters!" the pit of her belly dropped as the Mako reached for the sky as they leaped off a hill - the canon fired simultaneously and physics kicked in, throwing the vehicle off course. Shepard braced herself, the sky turned into the ground and she squeezed her eyes shut. 

There was a boom, a horrible sound that followed the last blast and Toombs _Fuck yeah_ barely registered as the Mako hit the ground nose down. Shepard's face struck the handle bar, the bridge of her nose instantly breaking, the skin split open in a gaping wound before she felt her body lift from the driver's seat, despite the seat belts that locked her in place. 

The Mako rolled away as the corpse of the maw fell to the ground. The ground shook, cracking under the weight of the dead alien, the vehicle slowed to a stop, wheels spinning in the air and as it rested to a stop. 

Shepard didn't hear him groan out _We did it, Shepard, we fucking did it..._ before she was lost to blissful darkness. 


	13. XII. Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2177 CE - Akuze

Her tongue darted out tentatively between her dried, cracked lips - she wasn't sure if she was alive or dead. Regardless of her living state, she laid still, testing her limbs little by little as she assessed her condition. She tried to breathe in slowly through the nose but quickly discovered she was unable as a sharp pain knifed through her skull. 

_'Shit, that hurts.'_

A faint memory of her face hitting something hard trickled in and the lingering regret that she should have known better than to take off her helmet settled into the pit of her belly. 

_'Ok, lesson learned,'_ she sheepishly scolded herself before shifting, realising that she was _hanging_. The driver's seat seatbelt had kept her from crashing into the roof of the Mako as it settled bottom-side up in whatever area they had landed in. She lifted her head, the pain arching from behind her eyes and straight down her spine. She stopped moving, her hands cradling her temples tentatively before reaching for the straps and buckles of the harness strapping her in. 

She tried to open an eye but she couldn't, they were swollen shut from her facial injuries - she pressed the releases, bracing herself for the short fall and with a loud thunk, her body collided with the ceiling of the vehicle. She cried out in pain as her teeth rattled inside her skull - she felt the edges of unconsciousness threatening to drag her back down and she was almost tempted to let it. 

"Toombs?" she croaked out, silence greeted her and she winced, trying to crawl to the door. She fumbled for the latch, unable to see before her numb fingers found the button and she pressed it desperately. 

"Toombs? Are you still with me?" 

No answer, the compete silence unnerved her - the light hit her face as the door's hinges squealed in protest, the hydraulics spat and hissed at the effort \- the simple fact that she could see faint shadows behind her swollen eye lids brought tears to her eyes, but the pain of it was almost too much. She crawled over the latch, the fresh breeze cooling her burning skin. She frowned, her fingers feeling for her omni-tool. 

"Emergency medic-aid," she groaned at it, waiting for the VI to respond. She felt the familiar tickle of the omni-tool flickering to life, the medi-gel activating throughout her suit as the VI identified the most urgent areas. 

_Warning - Unable to scan injuries of Shepard's Cranial - Helmet is not sealed._

She crawled to the biggest shadow closest to her, her mouth dry with thirst. How long had she been passed out? 

"Time," she rolled herself over onto her back, face up towards the sky as she waited for her answer. 

_2177, September 4th, 1501 hours Earth time._

Three days. She'd been passed out three days. Slowly, she sat up - openly wincing and groaning as her body protested but the medi-gel was doing its job. The pain in her ribs was subsiding but her face was still burning with pain. She reached with her left arm into a side pocket of her suit, one pack of medi-gel was still intact, she popped it open and smeared it on her face. The cool goo immediately giving her much needed relief - she could almost think coherently again. 

After a few minutes, the swelling around her eyes reduced enough to allow her to open one eye, she looked up to see they had fallen off a cliff and she had maybe twenty feet to climb to get out. She eyed the Mako, wondering if it was recoverable but there was three wheels missing and the front was entirely smashed. 

Total loss. 

"Fuck," Anderson was going to tear a strip off her back, he'd warned her before she left to stay out of the vehicle, she always destroyed them. This was proving him right, and she had to laugh. What a stupid thing to be worried about. 

She was fucking trapped here, broken. No food, no water. She survived that attack just to die in a fucking hole. 

_No._

_She would not go this way. She made a promise._

She slapped more medi-gel on her face, her determination mounting with every second the medicine numbed the pain. She tested her limbs, slowly moved to her feet and took a few tentative steps. 

Her knees knocked together, swaying her from side to side as she looked for the easiest way up. The rocks were too smooth, she couldn't get a solid grip - she fired up her 'tool again, searching for her overload program and set herself to work. The hair on her neck stood up as she discharged small but powerful electric beams towards her needed grips, forcing the rock to become graspable. She breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that her N training was useful beyond just surviving impossible odds. This planet was not going to take her alive if she had anything to say about it. 

Slowly, she crawled towards the sky, oftentimes looking down and calling out to Toombs to see if he was somehow still alive. She regretted not looking to see in the Gun station to ensure he was actually dead but she couldn't spare the time. 

She didn't know if the damned maw was dead or if it would come back; she had a duty to find survivors, set the distress signal and wait for rescue. There were protocols, guidelines. Procedures she couldn't ignore. 

She didn't have time to wonder what ifs and maybes. She had to be decisive, had to take action. 

Maybe she'd believe her own bullshit by the time she got to whatever was left of camp - guilt twisted her thoughts, she pushed it away, she ignored it. She justified her actions until she believed it was the right thing to do. 

She reached to top of the cliff, sweat dripping down her nose and she tried to get her shaking muscles under control but it was too much for her body. It was starving for water, for food and the medi-gel had stopped numbing the pain an hour ago. Before she could even take a step forward, Shepard swiftly fell into unconsciousness. 

Her tool beeped, the emergency VI noting the change in her life signs and automatically sent out a distress call. 


	14. XIII. Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2177 CE - Medbay, Alliance Rescue Frigate

The first thing she was aware of when she surfaced from sleep was the soft feeling under her, the lack of armour came second, followed by the soft beeping of life support. She moved her head slightly to the right, frowning at the movement. Her eyes felt like sandpaper and her head felt wrapped in cotton. Her hand lifted, carefully letting her fingertips touch the bandage around her eyes and the gauze wrapped over her nose and ears. 

Where was she? 

“Good morning, Lieutenant,” the softly accented female voice caught her off guard a bit, she heard a soft chuckle when she looked towards the sound of the voice before warm hands grasped her wandering hand, halting the exploration. 

“I wouldn’t do that, Shepard – it was hell putting you back together.” 

“What happened?” her voice was raspy, dry with thirst and she tried to sit up but that same warm hand pushed her back down. 

“I said, don’t do that,” the stern voice left no room for argument and Shepard obeyed without much protest but she still looked towards the sound expectantly. Then something dawned on her. 

“Lieutenant?” the last time she checked, that wasn’t her rank, the doctor had to be mistaken. 

“Yes, well-” the woman began before the swish of opening doors interrupted her. Shepard heard the shuffling of feet, something metallic being pushed aside to make more room and then a heavy pregnant pause that made her nervous. 

“Shepard.” Anderson’s voice commanded her attention, to which she tried to raise herself again into a sitting position but this time it was Anderson’s hands who stopped her – he pulled up a seat next to the bed in med bay and took a long glance at his subordinate. 

He had been worried; they had found her by the edge of the cliff, fingers bloody from her climb, her nails were mostly missing. Her face had been split open in a strange menacing grin that exposed her broken nose to the elements – her body was barely functional with fevers ravaging it and insects crawling around the raw flesh. 

It wasn’t a sight he cared to remember but, he would have to. 

She had been the only one to survive out of 50 more than capable Marines and the corpse of the Thresher Maw left more questions than answers when they were piecing together the events that led to the destruction of the colony and the envoy. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees and tried to put his thoughts together. 

“What happened on Akuze, Shepard, was nothing short of disturbing.” He watched her, she hadn’t moved at his declaration, only her dried lips pressed together in protest. 

“There was nothing we could do, sir. It was dumb luck that I survived – everything went FUBAR.” She looked down, and even though she couldn’t see, she looked in the general direction her bandaged fingers rubbed against each other slowly, while she was considering the events that happened to her. "Why did the doctor call me Lieutenant?" 

Anderson remained silent for a few moments, a bit disappointed the news had come at such a time, he'd have to speak to Chakwas after to remind her she let it slip out. 

"It's your promotion, Shepard." 

She let out a sharp bark of laughter, shaking her head. 

"Promotion? For _what_? Failing? Getting everyone killed?" she spat out the words, a hard emotion in her voice surprised him. "Everyone died, we didn't even finish the damned mission - the damned worm was-" 

"It was killed, thanks to you, and thanks to your quick thinking you got out of that ravine." He cut her off before she could dwell further into self-pity, this wasn't the Shepard he'd taken under his wing. "It wasn't as though you called the maw to the camp and it slaughter everything in sight; shit happens, you need to grow a spine, soldier." 

Shepard shook her head, fingers twisting, ignoring the obvious observation and insult. "Toombs manned the guns, I only drove - give credit where its due, Captain." 

"Well, that explains the state of the Mako," he sighed, trying to make light of her obvious rejection of her new rank, he frowned at the extra information on who gunned down the maw, they had only found Shepard at the scene. 

"Where is he anyways?" 

Anderson didn't respond at first. "Toombs wasn't there, Shepard. You were all we found at the Mako - hell, your helmet was in the gun chamber, that's why we thought it was you that shot down that oversized worm. He watched as she worried her bottom lip before turning to her side and laying back down. 

"If that's all sir, I'm tired." 

Just like that, she'd dismissed him in a not so subtle way but he disregarded it - this... wasn't an easy thing to deal with. 

"One more thing," he stood up from the chair he had occupied, brushed the wrinkles from his coat before stepping away from the bed, "You need to meet with the brass psychologist." 

"If you say so, sir." 

Anderson frowned, her tone indicated she had no intentions of following through and he made a note to ensure it was ordered down the line. He took one last look at her before leaving her to her thoughts. 

Shepard let go of a breath slowly, her body shaking with untold rage and grief. She had failed them. Failed Williamson, failed Toombs. She wasn't strong enough and her weakness lied at her heart - she couldn't let her emotions control her anymore. She couldn't let it get in the way of her logic. 

It was time to finish her N training and maybe, just maybe she could be absolved from her grievous mistakes. 


	15. XIV. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2182 CE - Undisclosed Space Station  
> N7 Qualifying

_Rookie mistake._

She spat out blood, feeling a tooth loose inside her mouth as she strained her wrists against the restraints. The taste of copper invaded her senses relentlessly, she deserved nothing less at this point, her cloak had shorted out - she should have checked it when it flickered earlier that day but she'd been too confidant for the mission. She made a stupid mistake, she had to get herself out of this before they decided they had enough of her stubbornness. 

She looked up slowly, her body still sluggish from drugs but her mind was clear at least, examined the room she was in quickly before planning how to get out - it didn't take too long. She tested the restraints again, noting they were metal but thin. Her shoulders protested as she moved them, the muscles tense from the odd angle at which her arms were manacled behind her chair. The room had no window, only a door - it was filthy, it reeked of her body fluids and blood. She tongued the loose tooth, pushing it to counter the pain she was about to inflict on herself. 

She took in a deep breath, closed her eyes and pictured her hands in her mind inside the cuff like restraints. Her right hand reached over to her left and grasped at the thumb, feeling the joint and loosened it up a bit. She let go of her breath, looked up towards the ceiling before pushing down on the cuff tentatively - there was just enough space to pull it off. 

She tried to relax her shoulders, her tongue pushing against the tooth before tugging hard on the left cuff. Her lips pulled back in a grimace, tears springing to her eyes as the thumb joint pressed against the metal painfully. She tugged again, harder and the joint in question countered her efforts with the tear of her skin. Blood dripped down from the tips, her teeth ground together as she suppressed a scream of agony when the thumb finally submitted and popped out, the restraint slipping off easily. A wordless gasp escaped her twisted mouth as she clasped the injured hand to her chest, popping the joint back into place with the other. 

She rubbed her wrists in relief and stretched her shoulders before leaning over to eye the restraints on her feet. These were a bit more complicated to remove, she couldn't afford to injure her feet. She flicked at her left arm, testing the omni-tool, she could feel the buzz of energy letting her know that it was still there, but it had been damaged during her capture. She narrowed her eyes, focusing her mind on the chip that linked the hologram. She felt the buzz of electricity and suddenly there was an orange glow that illuminated the room. 

She blinked in surprise, seeing the 'tool come to life, but it was not complete - half of it was static and she doubted the screen worked. Regardless she fingered the keyboard quickly, searching to manually activate some of its electrical properties. The soft beeping made her progressively nervous but she ignores the warning in the pit of her belly when she locates the overload program on her tool. 

"Shit," she murmured, her brows knit together in frustration as it became clear that her overload program wasn’t functional. She brought up the code, glancing at it quickly to see what _did_ work. Designing your own sometimes came in handy, especially in this situation. She just needed enough of a surge to override the electrical locks on the feet bindings and the one on her right hand. 

She worried her bottom lip, calculations quickly slogging through her tired brain - she quickly tapped out a new code and shuts her eyes, briefly praying that it would work. She brings her wrist down to her feet, takes in a deep breath and flicked her omni-tool on, her hand wide open above the lock and holds a breath. 

_Bzzt_ . 

The shock of electricity makes her cry out in surprise as it runs up her leg painfully, she bites her tongue, her mouth flooding with more blood as the tooth is finally knocked loose from its anchor. She turned the overload off, repositions herself and popped another one. This time, she avoided touching flesh. 

The braces fell off, she blinked in surprise - it worked. It fucking worked. A smile curled her lips as she straightened up and began to work on her wrist but the door beeped, a half second warning before it slides open. 

Shepard positioned herself immediately as though she is still captured, her chin down to her chest and let out a ragged breath. Her captors approached her, one dropped something on the table next to the door - she heard the rattle of bottles inside the object. More drugs. 

"She's still out cold," the one closest to her observes, he reached out and she felt his thumb and index grab her chin to bring up her head. 

"We need that information out of her, doesn't matter how lucid she is. Wake her up," the other man turned away, opening the box and she heard him place objects on the table. Her chin lifts, his grip becoming tighter by the second and she heard _Wake up, sweetheart,_ dripping with a tone that suggested otherwise. 

Her body tensed seconds before she opened her eyes and caught the man's surprised expression. Her cuffed hand grasped the other empty cuff and she pulled her arm back, tightly clutching the metal object to protect her knuckles as she punched the man square across the jaw, near his ear. She heard the sound of bone breaking as he fell at her feet, eyes rolling into his head. She leapt to her feet and before the other man could turn around to see what the noise was, she struck him hard in the gut. 

"Not today." she whispered before grabbing the back of his head and brought up her knee to meet the bridge of his nose in a satisfying crunch. He slumped to the ground, unmoving. She eyed the box, lips curled back in disgust - they had no intention of letting her out of here alive, this set a whole other precedent to her mission. 

She would complete her mission, no matter what, leaving a trail of bodies behind if she had to. 

She bent down, eyed the gear and frowned, wondering what the Blue Suns were doing in the base. They were not supposed to be in this facility, then again, the mission parameters had been vague. She peeled armour from the smaller male and put it on, checked the weapons they had and quickly swallowed down some energy bars they had on them. 

She found a pass on the older guard which she thanked him for as she relived him of it. Shepard stalked over to the table and picked up a syringe, filled a needle and injected the younger captor with it. She pulled him to his feet and used the same cuffs to tie him down; she struck the man, forcing him back to the surface of consciousness. 

He blinked, groaning at the pain in his broken jaw. He noticed Shepard immediately, lips pulled back in a snarl. She activated her omni-tool, bringing up her newly designed program, walked up to the man and pressed it against his bare skin. 

"Where am I?" 

" _Fuck you_." He spat at her face, she felt the liquid dribble down from her cheek to her lips, she wiped it away, not letting any emotion reign free on her face despite her rage erupting. She turned the tool on, the silver light flooded the room as she increased the juice of it. He screamed, his body tensing with the shock. She let him go, giving him a blissful second before taking up another needle and filled it with liquid again. His eyes grew big. 

"Is this some sort of truth serum?" She flicked the needle with her index, careful not to leave any air bubbles in. The other man remained quiet, looking away from her. She cocked her head to the side, her tongue feeling the empty spot where she had spat out her tooth. "I've already used a full needle once," she warned, not looking at him as she took another step closer to him, "I wonder how many more I can give you before it becomes..." she trailed off, her eyes flickering dangerously to him. 

He swallowed, he must have realised she wasn't lying because he noticed the small trail of blood from his arm where she had injected him. She grabbed his arm, squeezed the needle to let out some liquid and proceeded to inject another full needle. 

"Stop!" the man shouted, panic lacing his voice as he struggled. She flicked her omni-tool on again, her eyes met his again, eyebrow cocked in question. 

"So, _sweetheart,"_ the man cringed, the nickname he'd used on her was laced with so much venom it almost hurt his ears as she whispered it harshly, her lips far too close to his face when she leaned in for the next question. "Where am I?" 

He swallowed and felt his skin prickle as Shepard let him feel the tool warm up to electrocute him. 

_Fuck this, they didn't pay him enough to deal with this bitch._ "Blue Sun Base of Command," he let the truth serum work its magic, she paused her warm up, her hand hovering over his shoulder and stopping over his heart. 

"Why did you keep me alive?" 

He looked down, gulping in fear as he felt the omni tool vibrate with energy. He screwed his eyes shut, a cold sheen of sweat suddenly covering his forehead. _He was going to die_ , he thought, fear gripping him with a steel fist. He whimpered, the scent of piss invading her delicate nose, she smirked. 

"Hackett - The boss wanted information on Hackett." He spilled his guts faster than a fish, she sighed, almost disappointed with the ease of obtaining the information. The answer to her question had her frowning. Why Hackett? 

Turning on her heels, she pulled out the rifle and closed her eyes, finding her center as the adrenaline began to course through her body. She could do this. She had control, she was an indomitable force. 

Her blue eyes sparkled for a moment with excitement, she flicked the pass at the door and stepped out into the comfort of the dark hallway. It was convenient to land at the base of command, she could get the upload from the source instead of working her way through too many servers and comms. 

She just had to find the right office. 

As she slinked along the wall, Shepard tried her cloak, it fizzled to life but didn't last very long - she calculated the length, wondering if it was even going to be useful. Her fingers felt another door, flaring her omni-tool to life, she scanned for any signs of life. There was no activity, she used the card, watching the panel turn from red to green and slid open silently. She quickly assessed the room and found one computer on the desk. She cautiously made her way in and turned it on. her fingers flew across the hologram keys, her 'tool flickering to life as she accessed her hacking program. 

She scanned the information quickly, downloading schematics of the base before terminating the connection and slipping back out into the hallway. She brought up the map on her omni-tool, sighing in frustration as it showed up flickering, the image barely clear but enough for her to make an informed guess. She silently infiltrated the shadows, moving down two corridors unseen before she came across her first guard. 

She stepped close, an overload warming her wrist as she activated on her cloak - she stepped into the light, hoping he didn’t hear her footsteps in the quiet hall but he was still staring out a window. She reached out and brought her 'tool near the base of his neck. She saw him stiffen as he sensed another presence but he didn’t have time to react - the overload making short work of the man. The cloak flickered out and she sought out the shadows again before arriving at another room. 

"Should be just..." she murmured, her eyes checking the door. She used the pass and slipped inside, eyeing the vent up above the desk in front of her - she smirked. 

Once inside, she made her way across the compound unseen, it took all her skill to remain quiet inside the small space as she crawled her way to her target. After far too much time, she found _him_. She eyed the others in the room, the lightweight security made her smile. She silently unscrewed the vent, flickering her cloak on, she knew she just had enough juice to knock out the first guard before disorienting the other and taking the men by surprise. 

She pulled out the smaller weapon, takes in a deep breath and centered herself - the adrenaline had subsided a bit, keeping her thoughts clear before she turned herself invisible and slid out quietly. She dropped herself squarely on his shoulders, he shouted as she twisted her thighs, forcing the man into an awkward spin and knocking him off his feet. She crouched down once her feet are on the ground, kicking the man square in the jaw before slipping behind a crate just in time - she re-appears. 

"Who's there?" one man shouted, rifles extended towards the body of his comrade, she shimmered in the darkness once more before aiming her pistol at him and firing. His body tensed as the shot hit him at the nape of his neck, instantly severing his spinal cord. He dropped dead on top of the other Blue Sun and she takes in another breath when her cloak fizzles out. 

_Two more._

They're on to her, she noted as the two other people disappeared. One she knew was hiding under the desk while the other, she assumed he was trying to flank her. She flicks on the cloak, leapt over the crate and ran straight for the desk. Her cloak shorted out mid-sprint, Shepard cursed as shots rang out into the room. 

She felt a bullet graze her shoulder as she ducked and rolled towards the desk, using it for cover. The smaller man stared at her with wide eyes, anger quickly replacing surprise but she flared her omni-tool to life and shocked him into submission, flipping the desk in her haste to create some sort of barrier. 

The guard won't shoot the boss. 

She hoped. 

"Fuck, what am I supposed to do, boss?" the other man seemed a bit lost on what to do, she smirked. Her eyes landed on the computer she’d sent sprawling to the floor. She worried her lips, hoping she didn't damage the thing too badly. She turned the screen her way, her eye still on the man breathing next to her. 

She shook her head, wondering how he’d ever become head of this operation if he couldn't even keep a single prisoner under control. She hacked into the computer easily enough, started to download all the available information on her mission and searched for anything on Hackett. 

She tries to activate her cloak but nothing happened, she was shit out of luck and would have to do this the old fashioned way. She peered around the edge of the desk, couldn't see the other man so she picked up a data pad and threw it to the right, hoping the noise would startle him. 

She heard the thump of the data pad crashing, and the shots of the rifle burst wildly towards the sounds. She laughed to herself. He wasn't the sharpest tool in the proverbial shed. Her ‘tool beeped, indicating the download was done but it was still searching on Hackett. 

She crawled over the unconscious body of the boss, her ears still listening for the bodyguard. He wasn't exactly difficult to trace once she knew in what area he was in - he couldn't keep his cursing under control. 

She slipped behind a nearby crate, still listening to his breathing and curses - she was almost on top of him when he looked her way, eyes wide in fear. She leaped out from cover, pistol blazing as she screamed. He shouted in fear, losing his cool as he scrambled away; trying to distance himself but she wouldn't have it. Shepard shot him square in the thigh, immobilising him before she kicked away his weapon. 

She raised her pistol, aiming it at his head, eyes blazing with untold fury. The man twitched, unmoving. 

"Don't fucking move." 

He nodded, whimpering as her tool beeped - _File query found._ She kept the pistol on the man, her eyes reluctantly leaving the motionless form to see the files. She narrowed her eyes and copied them onto her tool and ordered her hacking program to wipe the servers of the entire base. 

She crouched down, eyeing the man before her and she poked him with the barrel of her pistol, he looked at her, his face sweaty as he tried to get the pain under control. 

"Shuttles." 

He debated telling her anything, but she pushed the barrel into the middle of his forehead, she blinked, cocked a brow as though she wanted him to dare her. He gulped. 

"F-four corridors down, take my pass." he pointed at his chest pocket. She probed with the gun first and pushed it out with the tip. She grabbed it and did a mock salute with her middle finger and disappeared, swearing to herself that this was the last favour she was doing for Hackett. 

The guard felt his entire body release from tension as the infiltrator vanished, his head fell back against the floor, the pain in his thigh almost forgotten. 

_What a bitch._


	16. XV. Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Earth, Alliance HQ

Udina dumped the large file on the desk before the two officers, who looked at him expectantly. He didn't agree with this option - she was a loose cannon and he couldn't _control_ loose cannons. 

"Shepard's file," he simply said as he sat down, adjusting his ambassador's vest. Hackett merely nodded, being quite familiar with the soldier, she'd done her share of work for him and he was more than satisfied with the choice. Anderson leaned over and grabbed the file, opening it. He spread the pictures and commendations, the paperwork on her various levels of training was not all there since N training was highly secretive but there was mention of the skills she had acquired as a result. 

"I'm not sure she's the best option," Udina started. Anderson cocked a brow at him, his fingers tightening around the file as he tried to keep his opinion in check. He had a strong dislike for the man, but he wouldn't dismiss the concerns if they were valid. 

"Shepard is the top choice over the other candidates." Hackett's voice broke through the tension, Anderson flicked his gaze towards the Admiral. This man didn't know Shepard on a personal level, he didn't watch her grow from a scared little kid to the ruthless woman she'd become over a decade but she was flawless with her work. 

"True," Udina, straightened in the chair, his lips pressing into a tight line, his objection clear. 

"She's a well respected commanding officer, an N7 with some of the highest decorations in all of the Alliance, she takes her missions with a seriousness unrivalled in the whole of the Navy." Anderson provided. Udina merely stared at him, eyes narrowing. 

"I don't have a problem with her medals that weighs down her uniform, Captain," he quipped back, looking at the back of his hands before looking up and meeting Anderson's gaze. 

"Then what is the problem with Shepard?" Hackett posed the question directly - they could tell it wasn't just the operative, it was Shepard herself that bothered Udina. There was a heavy pause between the three men, Udina shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny of their stares. 

"Shepard is detached - ruthless. She'll do anything to get the mission done despite who suffers," he sighed, Anderson felt himself flinch on the inside. He knew that, he knew Shepard had a lot of issues she refused to deal with, always compartmentalised it to check out later but the fact remained that she never looked at it again. 

She buried it, they festered like a wound - keeping her emotions stiff and unmoving. Her past was just an encumbrance and she refused to deal with any of it, claiming it was what gave her the drive to be the best there could be. He couldn't argue with her - she always passed her psych evals with flying colours. But... he knew that this crew could change that. He'd gathered the best of the Alliance on this ship, including people that would stir something deep inside Shepard and maybe get her to connect with the world again. 

"Getting the job done is exactly what we need for the Normandy," Anderson didn't let his gaze waver from Udina, the man seemed to have a permanent scowl on his face, he refused to lose Shepard for this ship. "We need a decisive CO that respects the chain of command and won't cave under the pressures the Normandy will demand." 

"Not only that, Shepard is an infiltrator, one of the best that Alliance has seen in thirty years, her tech skills are beyond military grade and she has top notch hacking skills." 

"We have Alenko for hacking and techs-" Udina started, Anderson nodded in agreement but it wasn't enough. 

"Alenko's skill is incredible, but not anywhere near that of Shepard. I want him to be trained under her - he's being groomed for his own command and he'll benefit from her tutelage." Anderson ignored the snort from Udina. "You can't weasel your way out of this choice, Udina. Alliance command wants her on the Normandy." 

Hackett cleared his throat, catching the attention of both men. "She's the only valid option, the other candidates pale in comparison and with Nihlus watching her every move to become a Spectre," he eyed Udina's reaction, his scowl only deepening as he was reminded that this was not just a XO choice, but a Spectre possibility, "He needs to see what exactly the best of the best means for humans." Anderson had to suppress the grin that threaten to break free. "Wouldn't you agree, Udina?" 

He was cornered with the argument, he couldn't refute it. Shepard was the best choice, but a choice he couldn't control. He'd have to pull all the cards out from under his sleeves to get the smallest grip of control on the situation - if anything, she would be obligated to listen to him as a spectre, up to a point. The ambassador let his gaze drop on the picture of the new XO and he grudgingly let go of his objection, he had a bad feeling this was one of the worst decisions he'd been part of. 


	17. XVI. Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Normandy

"Commander?" Jenkins peeked around the corner towards the meeting room, he could've sworn he saw the Commander walk this way - he had another question, but she was hard to track down in the tiny ship. He frowned, looking over his shoulder and noticed Kaidan sitting next to Joker in the navigation cockpit. 

He might know. 

"Hey, Alenko!" 

Shepard's cloak flickered in the light, the shimmer barely noticeable as she slinked away, pushing herself away from the wall she had flattened herself against. 

_'Jenkins is relentless'_ , Shepard thought as she tiptoed her way from the CIC to the stairs, making her way to the lockers. She breathed in a sigh of relief when Jenkins cornered the Lieutenant in the cockpit - keeping him busy. It wasn't that she minded answering some questions, she hadn't expected the _interrogation_ from the private. ' _He should be in the damned intelligence unit with those questioning skills, I almost cracked'._

She flicked off her cloak, grateful she had the smarts to implement it into her omni-tool a few years ago instead of just having them integrated into the space suits. It came in handy when she wanted to get away from an awkward situation such as Jenkins. 

She couldn't keep doing that though. She twitched her nose in annoyance, she'd figure something out. 

"Ma'am." 

She nervously looked over her shoulder; a crew member saluted stiffly and she acknowledged them before he entered the med bay. This was ridiculous - she shouldn't be this nervous. She narrowed her eyes before turning around and finishing unloading her gear, barely hearing the steps behind her. 

"Commander-" 

She spun around, eyes wide with surprise - she tensed at the expectation of finding Jenkins hounding her for more stories but she immediately relaxed once she realised it was the Lieutenant. Kaidan took a step back in his own surprise - he hadn't anticipated her moving so fast. 

"Sorry," he raised his hands as a peace sign, a sheepish grin played on his lips as he waited for his commander to relax, "I, uh, didn't mean to startle you, ma'am." 

Shepard turned back towards the locker, shaking her head, "No, it's fine, really. I just..." she murmured and trailed off, trying to hide the heat in her cheek. Up close, the man was on a whole different level. She pushed the thought away and wondered how to tell her LT that she was hiding from Jenkins without sounding like a petulant child? 

"Yeah, I understand the feeling too well. Jenkins is... hard to take, sometimes." 

Shepard looked over her shoulder, catching the man's gaze as he rubbed the back of his neck, his lips still quirked in the tiniest smile that kept her gaze there. He'd managed to read her thought and mood perfectly - _that_ had her attention. 

"Sometimes?" She closed the door to her locker and turned around, leaning against it comfortably. 

“Ok, all the time. He’s very... _eager_.” 

“That’s one way to put it.” Her arms crossed under her breasts, watching the man shuffle from foot to foot as he chuckled, she took in his form - he seemed in good shape which meant he took great care to stay that way; there wasn't a single wrinkle on his clothes, they fit him like a glove which indicated that he liked control. Her gaze traveled up his body, over his face and up to his hair, where she raised a brow in wonder. 

What was that bump on his head? A pompadour? 

He coughed nervously, she could tell he had a question just burning his lips - ' _Not another one',_ she tried to keep her face impassive - she wasn't in the mood after Jenkins. She twitched her nose, her blue eyes soaked in his presence and she felt she recognized him from somewhere. 

"You know, Commander - I thought I recognized you," he started - her eyes squinted in alarm, he was right at the top of her train of thought again. Her lips pressed in a thin line, ready to dismiss this _guppy_ , she pushed off the lockers, her brow furrowed and her mouth opened to send the lieutenant back up to the CIC in the most polite _PFO_ tone possible but she didn't get a chance. He straightened in panic at her obvious hostility, raised one perfect brow that caught her attention and cut her off before she could dismiss him. "You helped me out, when I was just a new recruit." 

She blinked, her mouth snapped shut with an audible _clack_. She cocked her hip to the right, leaning against the leg as her interest in the man increased by the second. 

Professionally, of course. 

"I did?" 

His lips parted in a smile that was almost infectious, his hand rubbing the back of his neck again, "Yeah, actually -" he turned around and let his fingers touch the nape of his neck, spreading the hair so she could see. The smallest glint of silver made her step closer, her own fingers reaching out to push his fingers out of the way - she spread the hair herself to take a closer look. Her lips parted in wonder, a static buzz tingled through her fingers before the lieutenant stepped away from her, frowning. 

"You're the biotic I trimmed - back when I was a private," she stated. 

"Yeah, you really did me a favour that morning. Made boot camp a lot easier to get through when three quarters of the recruits didn't know I was a freak." The corners of his eyes were pulled into a smile but she could tell it was just for show. She pursued her lips together, re-assessing her initial assumption of the officer. 

"You're a biotic, not a freak," she corrected, thinking of her sister who struggled with the same terminology and identity. She nodded in agreement with her new assessment, she still had to analyse his skill in the field before she could entirely make up her mind about his reliability as a soldier but so far, she was pleased. Wiping the sweat and oil from her hands on her BDUs, she reached out to between them, palm out in greeting. She grabbed his hand when he reached out as well and as they shook, her gaze fell on his lips - there were scars there that intrigued her. She wanted to know story behind them. Her eyes locked with his and she noticed his surprised expression. 

"So, I take it you're the Marine Detail?" 

"Yes, Ma'am - Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko." 

"Just call me Shepard. Good to know who I need to talk to when everything is falling to shit." She gave him a smile, which surprised her - she didn't _smile_ at people, unless it was seconds before she was about to kill them. She pushed it away. "Nice to meet you. Now," she put her hand on his shoulder as she started to walk towards the sleeper pods, "Tell me which one of these is mine and give me your secret on how to handle Jenkins." Kaidan gave her a long side-glance, his lips curling in a way that troubled Shepard. She ignored it. "I have it under good authority _this one_ needs to learn this skill before _this one_ finds the smallest room on this ship and dumps his body in it." 

Kaidan let out a sharp bark of laughter that surprised her - "Are you speaking some sort of horrible Hanar?" She blinked, her old habit having surfaced without her knowledge. 

"Maybe, keep it to yourself or I might have to kill you." Kaidan grinned at her empty threat - she frowned at herself. Why had she done that? She didn't usually amuse anyone with her dry humour. He took the lead, her eyes lingering on his back and she wondered... just _who_ this man was. 


	18. XVII. Teamwork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Eden Prime

Her feet hadn't landed on the ground more than thirty seconds before she knew things were going to go to shit, fast. She eyed Jenkins, uneasy in taking someone so wet behind the ears but he was from Eden Prime - he'd be better than a map. 

Plus, everyone had to start _somewhere_. 

"Jenkins, follow close - Alenko take point." 

The biotic nodded, pistol drawn as she followed the trail before them. She watched him cautiously check the parameters and she observed him; she could see every taut muscle under the light gear as he moved. She looked behind her and saw Jenkins looking everywhere but where his focus should be. 

She sighed. 

" _What_... are those?" She stood up, eyes narrowing as she pulled out her Widow, looked through the scope to get a closer look and to aim at the floating balls near them. Jenkins laughed as Kaidan flared blue, ready to unleash the gathered dark energy at a moment's notice. 

"It's a gas ball, ma'am - they're harmless and pretty dumb." He walked up to one, poked it and it squealed, surprising the Commander. "Most people here use them as target practice." 

She raised a brow, staring at the bubbly thing until it floated out of sight, Jenkins fell back into her flank and she motioned Kaidan to keep checking the path up a head while her and Jenkins checked the side path. Nihlus's comm. clicked in her helmet, she paused a moment to listen to the information. Jenkins moved ahead of her, eager to check the parameter like Alenko. 

Shepard suppressed the urge to roll her eyes, this kid was far too eager to see action. He rounded the corner a mere five feet away from her and she followed, about to reach out to tap the corporal on the shoulder - there was a time and place to take point and this was not it. 

There was a metallic clicking sound in the far distance, Shepard didn't think much of it; she motioned to Alenko to follow, he nodded as she moved behind Jenkins and eyed the empty path ahead. She had a funny feeling in her gut. Jenkins stepped out, thinking the area was clear but Shepard blinked in surprise, she hadn't motioned to go. 

Another metallic clicking sound, Shepard's head whipped around, eyes focused on the drones appearing simply out of nowhere. 

"Jenk-" too late, the boy gurgled, collapsed onto the ground as the volley of shots tore through his shields. Her world turned blue. 

Her body laid flat against the ground, Alenko's barrier surrounding them as he shot up from their position, pistol firing rapidly, lips curled back as his left hand motioned the air in a particular pattern that had her mesmerised for nearly a second before she scrambled to her feet and pulled out her weapon, kneeling behind a large rock she adjusted her shot and aimed. 

One drone seemed to drop from the ground, a strong barrier of sorts surrounding it before she shot the thing, mere seconds after an overload warped through the machinery and it exploded, spreading its electric charge to the next drone. Another blue orb crossed her scope and she followed it, it struck the incapacitated drone, freezing it in place and she shot it. It dropped to the ground unmoving. 

Kaidan crouched next to her, she eyed him and motioned there was one left with her free hand, he nodded and peeked over the left side of the cover - a shot rang out, he pointed to her right and lifted three fingers. She adjusted her aim to his specifications, found her target and shot it square through the bright eye. 

She let go of her breath, leaning against the rock before she heard Kaidan say, _Negative contacts, Commander_. Her heart squeezed at the memory. She pushed it away and before she could entirely recover, Alenko had already made his way to Jenkins, kneeling in an attempt to administer first aid. 

"Tore right through his shields, Ma'am. Didn't have a chance." 

She stood next to the Lieutenant, chewing on her lower lip. This didn't bode well, they had lost the corporal in the first ten minutes. She rubbed at her forehead, eyeing Kaidan. 

"Listen here, lieutenant," she started as he stood up, her gaze met his, expecting to see him lose his shit but she was surprised to see a steady and controlled expression on his face. She strapped on her Widow on her back, hands on her hips as she re-evaluated the situation. "This shouldn't have happened, I'll take point from now on - you keep your eyes on my six." 

Kaidan's jaw flexed, his lips twitched momentarily before he saluted her in acknowledgment of her new orders. 

"What about Jenkins?" He bent down, closed the corporal's eyes, Shepard shifted from one foot to the next - her expression blank. 

"He's dead weight at this point. We'll pick him up after we finish this mission." She turned on her feet, ignoring his raised eyebrow as she pushed away the guilt of failing her charge. Another death to add to her less than impressive list. "Let's check out the drones, something's not right." 

As they approached the drones, she heard Nihlus's report, she listened to it as he mentioned the complete devastation of the colony, fires ravaging the dead as he made his way to the port. She kneeled down to check the drones - "That's really unusual machinery," Kaidan reached out, their hands brushing as he grabbed the drone. She raised a brow as he flared his 'tool and scanned it. 

"You've been holding out on me, Alenko." 

The lieutenant froze, his brows raised in confusion. "How so, commander?" 

"I didn't know you liked schematics," she felt the corner of her lips curl into a grin - he merely stared at her, his tool blinking with data. 

"Ah, well, ma'am - it's just part of my job." 

"You're a sentinel, Kaidan. Not an Engineer. It takes a special kind of nerd to be interested in this." She fired up her own omni-tool, the hacking program activating as she searched the drone's memory banks. She frowned. 

"Wiped clean." They both said at the same time. She turned to look at the man next to her and before she could ask him how he'd figured it out so quickly, shots rang out further down the trail. 

Shepard immediately took point, Kaidan trailing closely as they quietly made their way up to the fighting. Shepard shimmered for a second as her cloak activated, Kaidan furrowed his brows as he waited for his commander to give him the next order. She noticed a woman crouched down, throwing grenades at her pursuers. 

The explosions threw Shepard off her feet, not expecting them to be so close - she ducked forward, landing next to the soldier who had yet to notice. She pulled out her heavy pistol and shot once before her cloak dissipated. The woman next to her was startled to see her there suddenly but it didn't slow down her shotgun. 

Blue light filled the area as Kaidan pulled the enemy from their feet and made them float helplessly through the air, Shepard smirked as she aimed at the heads, instantly terminating them. 

They made quick work of the attackers, she helped the soldier to her feet and before Kaidan reached her she was already questioning the other woman. 

"Name and rank." 

"Ashley Williams, gunnery chief of the 212." 

Shepard eyed the soldier as they wiped the sweat from her brow, her breath finally under control. The commander took in the bright white and pink gear and blinked. There was an odd snort that came out of her nose before she ignored the glare from the woman. Obviously this wasn't new to her. 

"What is going on here, Williams? We intercepted an SOS." 

"Geth, ma'am. Took out my whole unit - I'm the only one that made it out this far." 

Shepard had to respect that, she knew what that felt like, "Keep it together, soldier." The gunnery chief raised a brow, her back stiffened at the command and she nodded before putting in a new clip into her rifle and strapping it to her back. 

"Geth?" Kaidan's gravelly voice caught Shepard's attention, she eyed him as he stood at ease next to her, brows knitted together in thought. 

"Yeah, geth - what would bring them out past the Veil after all this time?" Shepard murmured, her eyes on the horizon as she stepped around the corpses littering the path. She noticed large metallic spears and approached it cautiously, bringing her omni-tool up to scan it. There was a body hanging from it \- a colonist from the look of it. 

"Dragon's Teeth." Kaidan offered, Shepard pursed her lips together in thought. 

"Ever wonder if we were in over our heads, Alenko?" 

"The second I stepped on the Normandy, ma'am." 

She grinned, motioning to Williams to follow. "You're with us. Try to keep up or I will shoot you in the leg." 

"Yes ma'am." Alenko shrugged as Williams gave him a shocked expression and pointed at her leg. 

"Now, what was here?" Shepard pointed to a dig site that was recently overrun with tracks, geth and bodies. Williams shifted on her feet, her hands tightening around the shotgun as the memory of the attack flooded her again. Her unit was still laying there. 

"A prothean artefact - but it's gone now, I think it was moved to the space port." 

"Then that's where we need to be." Shepard glanced at her, motioning with her head to get moving, she lead the small team, missing the shared look between the two behind her. They climbed up the hill, freeing a few survivors as they checked some pre-fab homes along the way but as they reached the top of the encampment, there were strange noises that sent a chill up her spine. 

"Maker-" she barely had time to duck, the dragon teeth retracting as the corpses re-animated and they crawled across the ground before rising to their feet. She froze - their empty eye sockets glowed blue, wires pried their mouth open as their over drawn lips exposed the teeth in one of the most frightening things she'd ever seen. 

They gurgled - their awkward steps breaking into a run as they noticed her. Their clawed hands reached out for her and for a moment she couldn't move. 

"Shepard!" Kaidan's voice snaps her out of her trance as the thing jumps up into the air and grabs her, she struggles to break free but his biotics pull the zombie from her and she takes out her pistol, shooting it in the head. It collapses in the air, the light expiring. 

"Thanks." she feels her heart thundering under her ribs - for a moment it was as though her darkest nightmare had come to life. Her dead family risen from the grave, long boney fingers reaching out to take her with them. 

She closed her eyes, the steps of another encroaching on them was not lost on her. 

"Williams, to your seven!" There was a flurry of gun shots and a flood of blue as they worked together to clear the area, Shepard could barely push down the fright as more swarmed them. 

_Get your shit together, Shepard._

She caught Kaidan's eyes on her every once in a while, she ignored it - she dismissed the fact that he was inching closer, that his barriers enveloped her safely - she ignored him. 

The last husk dropped to the ground, Kaidan stepped back as he reached into a pocket to tear open an energy bar and swallow it. This was starting to be too much for him, his amp felt hot. He eyed Shepard as she examined the corpses closer. 

"This can't be Geth technology," she looked towards him as though he had all the answers, he shrugged. 

"I doubt it, it's a little too... advanced, even for them. Plus, they're built to look like Quarians, these are re-animated _human_ corpses." 

Shepard scratched her forehead and slid the hand down her face. None of this was making any sense. There was so much inconsistency in the scenario she couldn't make heads or tails of it. 

She reached for her helmet communicator, trying to raise the SPECTRE. Static buzzed in her helmet. 

"I think we're getting jammed," she stood up, brushing the ooze off her onyx gear as she stepped towards Kaidan. He brought up his scans of the area and shook his head, no scrambles on his radar. 

"No ma'am. No contacts in sight, all's clear." 

Shepard frowned - there was something wrong. He'd been out of contact far too long. "Let's head to the port, something's wrong." There was a large boom in the distance, drawing her attention to the skyline and she blinked in surprise. 

"What is that? Is that a ship?" The large black object floated up towards space, six legs gathered under it and one large red eye of sorts blinked out into darkness as the clouds parted, swallowing it out of sight. Shepard looked at Ashley, the woman's mouth still open after her question. 

"A giant cuttlefish shaped ship?" Shepard snarked, trying to figure it out herself. Must be Saren's transport... but it gave her a bad feeling. They fell into step behind her, climbing up the small ramp, her gaze fell on a body in the middle of the floor. Her stomach dropped - _shit_. Things couldn't get any worst. 

"Nihlus," she sighed, crouching down next to him - things all had gone to hell. Why was he dead? Did the geth do this also? She checked the wound, it was from behind his head. Her eyes narrowed in understanding, he'd been executed. 

"His friend did it." Shepard drew out her pistol, standing up quickly, her lips curled back in a snarl that had the man gulping. He threw his hands up in the air, palms out to show he was unharmed. 

"What friend." 

"The other Turian, Saren I think he said his name was." 

"Saren? That's another SPECTRE. Why would he shoot a comrade?" 

"He was? Didn't seem that way to me, he was orderin' them Geth around. And then, you know, that whole shootin' him in the head while he had his back turned." 

Shepard narrowed her eyes, she couldn't argue the logic. She holstered her pistol, pointed with her chin and with a simple look, the man skedaddled out of her sight. What a fucking mess. 

"Come on, let's get moving." 

They approached the transport, her eyes spotted movement on the bridge and before she could even open her mouth to order a biotic clean up, Kaidan flared to life. He pushed the geth out of the way with simple hand movements and knocked them off the bridge - Shepard felt an amused bubble of laughter as they fell to their deaths over the side, this was _surreal_. She flicked on her omni-tool and overrode the commands to activate the platform and headed out towards the SPECTRE's last known location. 

She leaned against the bars, crossing her arms under her breasts in thought. 

"Shepard," she looked up to Kaidan, his omni-tool blinking a red triangle flashing in warning that she was all too familiar with. 

"Jammed?" 

"Yeah, but that's not all." He brought up another screen, showing four large green dots on his map; they were strategically positioned around the port. 

"Don't tell me that's..." Ahsley's voice trailed off, worry evident as Shepard pressed her lips together 

"Looks like Saren had it all figured out," Shepard traced the scar across the bridge of her nose and plucked at the one under her eye socket. "Kaidan, what's your skill on disarming live bombs?" 

"Top-notch, commander." 

"You say all the right things, lieutenant," she purred out while grinning at him, missing the slight reddening of his ears as the platform came to a stop. Ashley shot the LT a withering sigh as he stumbled off the platform and tried to recall where the bombs were. 

"Three minutes, commander." 

"Okay, we'll clear out hostiles, you focus on the bombs." 

"Aye, aye." 

Ashley blinked when the Commander disappeared from view, climbing the stairs she could barely see the shimmer of her cloak but the distinct sound of her weapon charging wasn't missed. She plucked frag grenades from her shoulder pocket, counting to three before throwing them. They stuck to the wall and within a second they exploded, sending geth flying to pieces. She grinned, pride erupting from her as Shepard's _Hell yeah_ whispered in her helmet. 

One sharp shot whizzed by her head as the flash light of a geth exploded, the head entirely disappearing. _The commander knows her shooting dynamics_ Ash thought as geth dropped one by one. One rocket trooper turned towards them, aimed at her but before she could even point it out to Shepard, the rocket exploded mid-air and the geth dropped dead. 

Holy Shit. 

"Alenko. Status?" She spotted him not too far behind, across the way - he was pressed as close as possible to cover as he opened the panel of another bomb. 

"Two down, ma'am." 

She turned her attention towards her scope, searching for more targets. 

"Is he always such a stiff, Skipper?" Ashley shouted over another explosion as another rocket managed to reach them. She couldn't see Shepard but she sure as hell could figure it out by the collection of geth piling up by them. 

Shepard grinned, "That's for him to know and for us to find out." 

Ashley blinked, smile breaking wide across her face, the boss had humour. She could handle that. 

"Last one is a head of your location - eleven o'clock." 

Shepard chewed at this bit of information. She would have to leave her sniper's nest - she wondered if she could sneak behind them and just take the bomb apart herself... 

"Fourty-five seconds left, Commander" his voice was unusually calm for such horrifying news. 

"Maker's breath, Alenko, get your tight ass to that bomb, we'll cover you." 

"Already heading that way, ma'am." 

She gritted her teeth, his biotics flaring bright as he pushed through the enemy line. There were strange blue explosions that caught her by surprise as the geth flew in all directions, the echoes almost rattling her teeth. 

"What in God's name was that?" Ashley breathed out. Shepard shook her head, she didn't know enough about biotics to really say for sure, her exposure completely minimal. 

"He's full of surprises," she mumbled before Kaidan waved his arms in the air indicating all was clear. She closed her eyes and breathed in a sigh of relief. Still, she counted down to zero and braced herself. 

She tensed for a moment, despite Kaidan's re-assurance that they were all disabled. 

"His tight ass, ma'am?" Ashley was smirking at her, Shepard felt her cheeks warm. 

"Well, have you seen his suit? He must have poured himself into it." 

Ashley's sharp bark of laughter echoed around her, she stood up from her alcove and dropped down to her squad, Alenko had a brow raised in confusion as Ashley grabbed his shoulder, shaking her head. 

Kaidan ignored the women as he pulled up his scanner, no signs of life or synthetic life crowded the screen. 

Saren was gone but, the green bleep on his screen indicated that the artifact was still there. 

"He's gone but, the artifact is still there, and it’s active." he looked up, their eyes met for the briefest of seconds before she frowned and looked away. 

"Active?" Shepard turned towards the towering artifact on the port. She brought her fingers to her helmet, flagging the Normandy for a pick up before she headed down with Ashley in tow, He followed them, his eyes on the artifact as it beeped silently. He raised a brow - was that still functioning? 

As he approached the artifact, he activated his 'tool, scanning it to see what information it was sending out. Technology all had their own type of imprints and he wondered what 50,000 year-old tech would have to say for itself. He stopped, a few feet from it as he watched his omni-toll blink weirdly, he frowned but before he could even give his arm a shake to get the static cleared, there was a sharp sound in his ears that disoriented him, his feet slid forward against his will - struggling to reach down to turn on his mag boots to grip the metal under him but he couldn't move. 

Strong arms wrapped around his torso and his body was thrown to the side - his head rattled as it struck the ground and from his position he watched Shepard float up into the air and as his eyes widen with horror, Shepard's scream rippled through him and he stood up, a wave of dizziness shakes him and a torrent of lights assault the back of his eyes as a migraine explodes unexpectedly. Ashley reaches out, locking her arms around him and holds him back. 

"No, don't-" 

Shepard screams again, blood slowly drips out of her nose; her back curves in an angle that seems unnatural before the artifact blows up, pushing her far back and she dropped to the ground, unconscious. He scrambled to his feet, reaching out to her before the shadow of the Normandy passes over them. He cradled her head and the sharp stab of fear settled into his stomach as he looked down - her face ashen, her breath shallow and the blood wouldn’t stop coming out of her nose. 

_Oh Maker_ . _What had he done?_


	19. XVIII. Out Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Normandy, Med Bay

The Captain had absolved him of any blame but, deep down, he knew he wouldn't accept it until Shepard was up on her feet and said it herself. He looked into his cold cup of coffee, worrying his bottom lip before he sensed Ash turn the corner and plop herself down across the table from him. 

"Any news yet?" She looked over to the med bay, wishing there were windows so she could see the Commander. Even though there was nothing she could do, she felt better just _seeing_ the woman _breathe_. Her fingers thrummed the table impatiently, it had already been ten hours and still... nothing. 

"Did you ask Chakwas yet if..." 

"I think if I ask her one more time, she's going to throw me out of an airlock." Kaidan casually replied as he took a sip of his cold coffee, grimacing. He should really warm it up. He can sense the stress of the crew - carrying the commander back on board in a fireman's carry had surprised Anderson, they were all sure she was dead - especially after finding out Jenkins and Nihlus hadn't made it. 

He sighed, he stood up and washed his cup, setting it aside next to Shepard's own. He pursed his lips in worry before heading towards the lockers and opening Jenkins'; he promised the Captain he would gather all his things and ready them for transport. Anderson had other things to worry about, one of them being telling the council their best operative was dead under his watch and Jenkin's family that their son had died on his very first mission. 

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, his amp still ached from the transfer of information from the beacon but he could only make out noise. Maybe his biotics had interfered or his scan had instigated some sort of security system... he should have known better. What had he been thinking sticking his nose anywhere near that technology? 

_'It takes a special kind of nerd...''_

Shepard's words hit him full throttle - she probably would have done the same thing, she seemed to be right up his alley with tech interests, which was rare to find now a days. Still, it was a stupid move. He shook his head, fingers brushing against a few of Jenkins possessions as he gingerly placed them in the transport box. 

He'd miss the corporal. He had a morbid fascination with his biotics that almost had him killed once or twice. Kaidan grinned, at least he wasn't afraid to ask or to experience them. He sighed, closing the locker and peeled the name off the front of the door, sticking it to the inside of his own locker. 

This was the first death under his direct command. He found it hard to swallow - Shepard had brushed it off, which had alarmed him a bit. There was something unusual about the commander, she was quick to compartmentalise and quick to dismiss the unpleasant. Kaidan looked over to the med bay again, wondering what exactly had happened to her to end up like that. 

He wasn't a shrink but he'd had his share of tragedies to recognize the look in her eyes. They were devoid of emotion; she'd given up on something. He'd seen it in his own face. 

He carried the box under his arm, nodded to a subordinate as he made his way to the Captain's cabin. He knocked once and waited for the lock on the door to turn green before stepping through the entrance. 

"Captain, I have Jenkins’ things ready to go." 

"Thanks, Lieutenant." Anderson dismissed him with a wave of his hand. Kaidan noticed the tired droop of his shoulders as the man leaned forward on his elbows and let both of his hands rub down his face. The lieutenant didn't envy his position right now, there was nothing worse than telling loved ones of a loss. 

He walked back to the mess, his eyes still on the doors of the med bay, he frowned as his amp seemed to spark inside his head - maybe he should get that checked now that his migraine was under control. He didn't think too much of it at first because of the headache but... he couldn't excuse it now that it was gone. 

He was only going in there to get his amp checked, not because he needed to see Shepard breathe. 

He walked through the doors, Dr. Chakwas turned in her chair, eyebrow raised high as she stared at him. 

"What can I do for you, Lt. Alenko," her accent carried a heavier undertone he dismissed, his eyes on Shepard as he headed towards the doctor. He counted the seconds until he saw her chest rise and let out a sigh of relief - still within normal parameters. 

"My amp is bothering me, after the exposure..." he trailed off, Chakwas sighed and stood up, her long legs making short work of the space between them. Her fingers pulled the hair from the amp and she took a glance, not really expecting anything out of the ordinary. Kaidan had been pacing in front of her med bay for hours. It was just a - 

She frowned, the skin was puckered and pink around the surgical marks, the hair burnt in some places. He wasn't kidding. 

"Lay down, Alenko, looks like you actually have a reason to come keep an eye on the Commander." 

He rubbed the back of his neck, a bit put out to be found out but he was glad he wasn't entirely crazy about his amp. He took the nearest bed to Shepard and laid on his stomach, his face turned towards the commander as Chakwas proceeded to investigate the damage. 

He watched her as she slept, her eyes flickering back and forth as she dreamed about something vivid, he wondered about what in particular but he took the opportunity to take a good look at her. 

She was relaxed, her lips parted slightly, her skin was pale with a dusting of freckles across the nose but he couldn't _really_ see them because of the large scar across the bridge of her nose. He noticed the smaller one around the eye sockets and wondered what had caused them. he knew some of her history - she's survive Akuze; 49 marines dead and she was the only one that had managed to take down the Maw with a Mako. She'd almost died, from what he'd heard. 

There were other scars down her neck and across a collarbone, he wasn't sure how someone would get those particular ones but he was almost certain it had to do with her N training. The simple fact that she'd made through any of it was amazing, let alone graduate from it... 

He frowned, thinking on the mission. She had been hard to read. He considered himself a good judge of body language but Shepard had eluded his ability. He'd caught her off guard once or twice and had immediately caught on that he figured out her mood - she was sharp. Her own ability to read a situation was unrivaled but he noticed that she was a bit lackluster when it came to getting to know her crew. 

Maybe she didn't want to know them. She certainly went out of her way to avoid them if she didn't have to interact with the rest of the crew but there was something else that screamed to him that she didn't really _want_ to be alone. He really wanted to get to know her. 

Kaidan sat up after napping for a few hours, Shepard had barely moved. He hopped off the bed when he realised she was frowning, her arm moved under the sheet and she stirred. 

"Doc, I think she's waking up." 

Chakwas sauntered over, a smile curling the corner of her lip when Kaidan stepped back away - giving his commanding officer some room. Shepard sat up, her hand clutching the side of her temple as she rubbed the velvet of her buzzed hair, groaning. 

"Shepard, you had us worried - how are you feeling?" 

It took a moment, before the commander shook her head and dropped her legs over the edge, clutching one hand to her chest with the sheet. "Maker, like the morning after shore leave." 

This earned a cough from the lieutenant, whom Shepard turned to, blinking away her grogginess. 

"Alenko? What are you-" 

"I'm sorry ma'am, this was all my fault," he stumbled over his words, worry etched on his face as the captain strolled through the doors. Shepard shrugged, stretching an arm high above her head and waved his worry off. 

"There's no way any of us would have known what would trigger that thing, no harm done." She didn't miss the small smile he gave her, which warmed something in the depth of her gut, her own lips turning up against her will. She turned from him, set on ignoring the feeling and looked at the Doctor, frowning, "How long was I out?" 

"Fifteen hours, Commander," her brows raised in surprise. 

"Alenko, I need to speak with Shepard in private." Anderson glanced at the Lieutenant who saluted Shepard and strolled out the door. As the doors swished closed behind him, Kaidan leaned against them for an instant, knowing they had locked. He would find out the truth behind what had happened to Shepard - all of it. 


	20. XIX. Questioning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 - Citadel

_SPECTRE huh_ , she leaned against the rail of the Observatory deck of the wards, watching the lights twinkle in the fake sunlight of the citadel. She wasn't sure that actually meant anything besides giving her the lawful ability to shoot first, ask questions later without consequence. 

She wasn't sure she _liked_ that idea, it was a dangerous business when black and white blurred into grey. 

It gave her the ability and the resources to find Saren and snuff out this little rebellion he had on the go with the Geth... she sighed, rubbing the back of her neck, stretching the muscles of her shoulders at the same time. If it hadn't been for Tali's skill to pull the information from that deceased geth, she'd be up shit creek without a paddle. 

This whole thing felt like a set up. 

Udina had made it pretty much impossible for her to refuse the offer and even the council had been cornered into nominating her. And then Anderson had been forced into retiring as Captain of the Normandy, relinquishing command of the vessel to her. It all felt wrong. At least her crew had their heads screwed on tight. 

She rubbed her hand across her mouth, unaware that Kaidan was carefully watching her, his thoughts wandering over the last few hours. Their mission parameters had expanded beyond anything he'd ever expected. 

Then again, he was under Commander Shepard's command and nothing was ever simple with any of her missions. There was a lot of expectations put on her shoulders and she expected the same from her crew. She still had to work on her socialising skills though, the crew was having trouble adjusting to her frigid demeanour. 

There was something pretty powerful at work, leading this woman into something amazing, he could feel it deep in his bones and he knew for a fact he'd follow her into hell. There was just something about her that made you want to better yourself, impress the hell out of her. 

It wasn't just that though, he liked her and he didn't like many people. 

"So, Commander," Kaidan started, stepping closer to her. She looked at him, her expression impassive, "Think you'll let me take out the First Human Spectre out for a drink?" 

She grinned, winking at him, "I'm not sure that's a good idea, Lieutenant - the council already thinks I've lost my marbles. You really want to get me drunk?" He chuckled, shrugging. Shepard looked away from him and back out to the horizon. 

"Something isn't right, Alenko," she murmured, he raised a brow, not sure what she meant. 

"How so?" 

"Feels like I'm standing on the edge of something huge and when I take the plunge - nothing's going to catch me." 

Kaidan's frowned, shaking his head slightly. "You've got me," he spoke without really thinking, but his gut said it was the right thing to say. She looked at him, contemplating his answer. 

"That's a nice sentiment soldier, but we'll see in the thick of things and you figure out..." she let the words hang in the air, not entirely sure she wanted to disillusion the lieutenant to her true personality. Ruthlessness was hard to describe in five words or less. 

"Well, for what it's worth ma'am, I got your six." 

She glanced at him, smirking, recalling his little slip of the tongue earlier in this very spot, "I bet you do, LT." 

It was cute, the way his ears turned red. 


	21. XX. Safety First

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Normandy Hangar, Mako

The broad grin on her face should have been a warning sign to Kaidan when they approached the Mako. She rubbed her hands together, excitement rolling in waves off her lithe body before she reached out and petted the vehicle.

“Long time no see, old girl,’ she purred at the Mako, her smile tugging at the corner of lips affectionately. She popped the door open and moved back to give the door room as she took in a deep breath.

She was back in her element.

Kaidan raised a brow, turning back to his locker to gear up. He’d wondered why no one had volunteered to go with the Commander when she piped up they were going to drop from the Normandy onto Therum to search for Dr. T’Soni. One person had even turned bleach white before backing swiftly out of the room.

Perhaps he should have paid closer attention to their reaction but he was more interested in grabbing any opportunity to spend it with the woman he was becoming dangerously attracted with. It was strange, having such strong feelings for a woman who could tear a man’s limb off under the right conditions – but she gave him a distinctive thrill he couldn’t get enough of.

Plus, her ass looked magnificent in the N7 gear.

 _“Tsk._ Child's play. _”_

He turned to see the commander come out of the Mako, crumbling a piece of paper in her hands with a look of insult on her face, he scratched at his nose absentmindedly before her gaze met his and she threw the paper away. She gave him a smile, one that froze him in place. It crinkled up the corners of her eyes and for a second he felt as though they were the only people in the hangar.

“Alenko,” she leaned on one leg, her hand on her hip, smirk etched playfully on her lips, “That kind of look will get subordinates in trouble.”

He blinked, cleared his throat before reaching up and rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.

“Yeah, tone down the smouldering, there, LT – some of us can’t change our panties ten times a day.” Ash piped up next to him, her new digs fitting her nicely. After much harassment from the commander, she’d finally let go of the Phoenix gear and got herself some different heavy armour. There’s only so much “Chief Gunnery Barbie” she could handle.

“The smou- panties? _What?_ ” He stammered, a bit taken aback by her forwardness. He felt his ears turn red and Shepard’s laughter warmed his insides. He shook his head, checking his seals but Shepard’s hand landed on the lower curve of his back, her fingers traveling down each clamp to verify for herself. He stiffened under her ministration, looking over his shoulder.

She met his gaze, a smirk still lingering but there was something else there; he chose to imagine it was just her making fun of him and turned away, slipping on his helmet. Ash rolled her eyes, wondering when these two would clue in to their mutual attraction.

Watching the most feared woman in Alliance Space and one of the most powerful human biotics dancing around each other in some strange mating dance was oddly amusing but frustrating. The LT was too _By-The-Books_ stiff to break the regs and Shepard was... well Ash hadn’t quite figured out just what the commander was.

Whatever was keeping her from acting on Kaidan’s obvious pheromones was a mystery she had every intention of cracking, or at least to bring her attention to the large display of feathers the human peacock was spreading with pride for her to notice.

“Commander – Ready when you are.” Joker’s announcement broke through Ash’s musings and she eyed the two idiots in front of her. Kaidan was now checking Shepard’s seals and she smirked, his clumsy behaviour was endearing. She headed towards the Mako, pressing down on the last seal of her helmet before checking her weapons, hopped aboard the vehicle and strapped herself into the seat to man the large gun.

Shepard followed behind, her fingers flexing with excitement as she seated herself in the driver’s seat, she’d been waiting for ages for this. She eyed Kaidan, biting her lips slightly as he bent down to pick up the piece of paper she threw out – her eyes fell on the perfect curve of his rear and she cursed the suit he kept insisting on using. That just didn’t hide _anything_.

Kaidan un-crumpled the piece of paper and noticed Captain Anderson’s writing across it, with lots of underlines – _Shepard, don’t you even dare drive this thing, you’re locked out of the control panel._

“Don’t pay attention to that Lieutenant,” he heard the Commander drawl, he looked up, a worried frown on his face but she was lazily leaning against the driver wheel, her omni-tool active as she hacked into the controls of the vehicle. He licked his lips absently realising that she exuded confidence and it was damn sexy.

Despite the warning from Anderson’s note, Kaidan was sure it was an exaggeration. She seemed sure of her skill – she was an N7, he was positive her ability would get them out of any tight spots, and from what he heard, it’s that skill that got her out of Akuze alive. He climbed aboard the Mako, but, suddenly, he had an uneasy feeling in his gut as he made his way across to the passenger seat, squeezing by the Commander who didn’t bother to give him any room. She was smirking, eyes twinkling with amusement as he strapped himself in. The note’s warning itched at the back of his mind when the Normandy hangar doors open and she hit the gas.

They lurched, wheels spinning in the air as the thrusters kicked in and sent them flying out of the Normandy, the bottom of his stomach dropped, his eyes wide in surprise as he reached to hang on to the dashboard. Shepard looked over to him, her laughter almost infectious but his sense of self-preservation was overriding his eagerness to laugh with her.

“Commander-“ he started, but the wheels of the vehicle slammed into the ground, Ahsley’s _oomph_ was heard loud and clear on their helmet communicator as Kaidan’s teeth rattled into his head from the force of the landing. The wheels spun in the dirt, the hydraulics squealing in protest as Shepard righted the vehicle, she felt the side tip up and she let out a bark of laughter between her _whoops_ and _Oh, that shouldn’t be making that sound_.

“Shit, Skipper, you drive like a drunken elcor,” Ashley groaned out, clutching her ribs on the right side of her body.

“Elcors drink?” Shepard mused, her eyes still on Kaidan – she was making sure he was alright, he didn’t have the full harness on and had chosen to put on the basic belt system. He learned pretty quickly since she could see him reaching for it now, she suppressed a snort – his expression was priceless. She looked over her shoulder and noticed Ashley already had the harness on, she raised a brow wondering who had warned her.

As though she read the Commander’s mind, Ashley snorted. “Joker warned me. He said you were a _lunatic_ and that your favourite pastime was seeing how far you could push the Mako on the top side of missions.”

“My record is an 88 degree angle up the side of a cliff; I want to try for 89 today.”

There was a silence in the cockpit that had the Commander laughing softly, she looked over to Kaidan who was trying to figure out if she was kidding or not. She leaned in, whispering into his communicator.

“Didn’t Anderson tell you, Alenko?” He raised a brow at her question; he cleared his throat and said “The Captain told me a lot of things about you, Shepard, but I didn’t believe him when he told me to hold on to my ass when you drove,” He replied, the soft huskiness of his voice sent a shiver down her spine – she ignored it and instead put her hand on his shoulder, grinning like a mad woman.

“Well, you should have because, in the Mako, the Universe bends its will to  _me_.” She let go of his shoulder, chastising herself for letting the sound of his voice ignite something she couldn’t follow through with and chuckled when he groaned.


	22. XXI. Drive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Therum, Planet Side

Shepard eyed the barrier, mere hundreds of meters away of their current position and she gripped the Mako's driving wheel, adrenaline preparing itself to course through her veins as she made the decision. 

"Commander, you can't be serious." 

Ashley's voice was a harsh hiss in her helmet, to which she completely ignored, quickly calculating the speed versus the gravity fields of the planet to pull off the precise leap. She put the Mako in reverse, eyeing Kaidan as she hit the gas. She heard his sudden intake of breath, his hands gripping the harness. 

"What was it you said, earlier?" She pondered out loud, trying to suppress the grin that threaten to take over. He glanced at her, with a solemn stare of exasperation as he tried to prepare himself for this suicide jump. 

"I said a lot of things, mostly _shit_ , _watch out_ and _oh god_ ," he murmured, this time she did grin and slammed the the mako into drive, her foot pressing the gas, both hands flew to the dashboard, Ashley groaned and ducked her head between her legs, bracing for impact. 

"Well, there's a time and place for those, Alenko," she ignored his inquisitive glance, yes - she meant it that way, but she'd never admit it because there were regulations and rules. Although that never stopped her before... "And I quote - _Hold on to your ass_." 

"Commander you can't do th-" 

The mako tipped forward off the edge of the cliff, thrusters blasting on just as the vehicle tipped the right angle and floated across the way in some sort of horrifying slow motion. Gravity didn't seem to exist as Kaidan felt his arse lift from the seat and there was dreadful silence in the cockpit. 

"Maker, Shepard - I can't belie-" 

She miscalculated, her face fell a little as she realised she hit the thruster too long, the vehicle nose diving and flipping in the air. Her mind flashed to Akuze for a brief second but she didn't let it freeze her, she glanced at Kaidan who was watching her, his brown eyes not accusing but promising some sort of blasting if they lived through it. 

"Uh, brace yourselves?" 

"I knew it, I should have stayed in the god damned armoury today and let Tali come." Ashley whined bitterly as the mako flipped, Kaidan's stomach lurched and closed his eyes, counting the seconds until the vehicle did its sudden gravity shift. 

_Bam._

His teeth slammed together, his amp felt as though it rattled violently but he knew better - the mako did a death roll on the ground when it landed awkwardly on its wheels but he heard the distinct sound of the axel snapping from the weight of the way they dropped. He curled into himself, waiting for the world to stop spinning. 

The mako lurched to a stop, almost violently. Ash groaned, unwilling to move until someone else gave the all clear and for once Shepard was quiet. She blinked, checking her hub to see if any medigel had been dispensed but all her vitals were clear. That was a first in itself, so she must be getting better at her crash landings. Then again, she remembered to keep on her helmet. 

She looked over to her navigator, he wasn't moving but she could see him breathing. His eyes were closed through the small visor of his helmet but his brow was knitted together. She reached out but he lifted his hand, waving her away, letting her know he was fine. She slumped back into her seat and sighed, a little shaken but overall she was alright. 

"Let's check the damage." she murmured, her fingers reaching for the seal to open the latch but when she looked at it, she realised it had snapped off. She gritted her teeth and unclasped her harness, didn't bother to warn Kaidan as she began to crawl across his lap. the lieutenant froze, his eyes snapping wide open when he felt Shepard climb over his lap, hands precariously perched on his hips, her armoured breasts far too close to his helmet and the apex of her thighs brushed against his sex. He gulped, she ignored him as she reached for the seal of his door, unlatching it manually. 

"There we go." She leaned back towards Kaidan, changing her position into a sitting one and slipped off him. He remained unmoving, counting to ten to get his hormones under control. Ash chuckled to herself after that display. It was becoming more and more obvious as the day went by that these two were a little bit more interested in each other than two commanding officers should be. She waited for Kaidan to follow the commander before she crawled out herself, cursing as her arm ached. She stood up from the wreckage, eyeing it quickly but judging by the streak of swearing coming from the commander, it wasn't fixable. 

"Well, shit - guess Anderson was right, these pieces of shit Makos always break when I drive them," Shepard sighed, rubbing at her helmet while examining the broken Mako, one wheel had snapped off. Kaidan shook his head, muttering something she couldn't quite make out, on the other hand, she did feel a little bad. "Williams, make sure to requisition a new one when we get back to the Normandy." 

"Aye, aye, Skipper - I'll order one that isn't allergic to Shepards." 

"Smart ass." 

Williams grinned, her hand reaching for her shotgun on her lower back, Kaidan stretched his arms, checking his amp by flaring his biotics. Shepard felt the pull of his dark energy and refrained from looking over, she had a bit of lip biting issue when the blue mists of his powers engulfed him. 

"Let's go find us an Asari." 


	23. XXII. Triangle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Therum, Underground Mines

_Kaidan is fucking brilliant_ . 

Shepard watched him as she hacked into the mining laser, his fingers precise and quick across the keyboard, his eyes simultaneously watching for the geth and the limitations of the program he was running. She leaned against the other control panel, a sense of peace settling over her as she allowed his presence to subdue her. 

Missions lately seemed more fun, especially with Alenko's competitive edge surfacing. She discovered he took a little bit too much pride in his tech abilities and she'd scoffed at him. They’d ending up having a ongoing wager to see who could break into more things and collect the most loot without resorting to omni-gel hacks. 

He was winning so far, with the laser being the biggest damned thing you could hack in the vicinity. 

"Shepard, do you think we can trust the Asari?" Kaidan's question didn't take her by surprise, she'd wondered the same thing herself. The child of Saren's second in command, she's either going to be one of the best allies they could get their hands on or one of the worst mistakes. 

She hadn't decided yet. 

"I'm not sure, Kaidan. We got nothing else to go on and she's a Prothean expert. Maybe..." she frowned, her thoughts wandering over the visions that have been relentlessly haunting her the last few weeks, " maybe she can help me figure out what all these damned visions mean." 

Kaidan looked up from the panel, his lips pursed in thought before his gaze slipped away from Shepard and focused on the trapped alien in the holding cell. The archaeologist was borderline delusional, she was slipping in and out of consciousness having been trapped there for more than a few days. 

His omni-tool beeped, his attention returned to his task as the circles appeared, ready to be unlocked. He cracked his fingers, eager to blow his record out of the water. 

"Twenty-three seconds left, lieutenant," Shepard nearly purred out, her eyes gleaming with excitement at their little game. He scoffed, already to work on breaking the combination. She shook her head, watching Williams search the parameters for more enemies. She heard the distinctive beep of the lock giving her tech specialist the a-ok to activate the laser and she sighed dramatically. 

"Shit, I owe you a drink." 

"A drink?" Kaidan was almost startled, "I thought we agreed on credits, Shepard." 

She eyed him, his almost calm demeanour could have tricked a lesser observant person but she caught that little nervous lick he did when something caught him off guard. She raised a brow and smiled at him. 

"True, but drinks could make things more interesting." 

Kaidan shook his head, stepping away from the panel and he motioned to his commanding officer to take his place, giving her the honours. If there's one thing he's learned about Shepard over the last few weeks, it's that she liked to blow things up with really big weapons and this was as big as they came. 

"All yours," he grinned when her eyes twinkled, her fingers flexing to press the button in question, but she looked at him first, leaned into him and whispered "El Tee, you're going to sweep me off my feet with all that sweet talk." 

He blinked in surprise before the bright beam blinded him for a moment, covering his eyes he noticed the ground shake beneath his feet and somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered if he should be worried about that. The ground under the doctor crumpled, revealing another cell that opened into a bright white hallway, he squinted his eyes, his HUD blinking the lack of enemies, which concerned him. He was sure they'd have come back flooding the area after the very loud explosion. 

Ash dropped down first, assault rifle extended as she checked ahead, Shepard jumped down next and waited for Alenko to join her. She eyed him critically, making sure he was alright before turning her attention to the end of the short hallway. 

"Looks like an elevator, Commander." Shepard nodded at the gunnery chief before she looked up, noticing the blue glow from the contraption that had the Asari trapped. She focused her attention on the panel, her mind almost twisting when a flash from the beacon unsteadied her. 

Kaidan touched her shoulder and she shrugged him off, before her fingers pressed the right combination of key strokes and to everyone's surprise, the elevator turned on and rose to the correct floor. Shepard frowned, unsure of what to make of this knowledge while Ash chose to ignore it and walked towards the Asari floating in mid-air while Kaidan stood behind Shepard and watched her carefully. 

"Are you alright?" 

She looked at him over her shoulder, biting her lower lip for a second and shook her head, not trusting her voice. She stepped off the platform and joined Ash, who was already questioning the poor alien in a barrage of sentences that were answered with barely coherent words. 

"Ash, I think the poor doctor is a bit out of it, let's get her out of here and we'll let her rest up before you stick a gun to her temple and interrogate her." Ash grunted her disapproval, while Shepard looked for the release. 

"There, the panel on your right should release me." T'soni slurred, her eyes focusing on the commander as though she wasn't entirely sure she was actually there. Shepard pressed the button and turned around just in time to catch the Asari as she dropped from the containment field. 

Kaidan raised a brow, Liara clutching tightly to the commander made his gut twist and he chastised himself at the foreign unwelcome feeling. He approached them, offering to give Shepard a hand to carry the doctor to the elevator. She smiled at him, the twist replaced with a heat he recognized and made their way carefully towards the platform to leave the mines. 

There was another tremor and Kaidan checked his omni-tool. "Shit, Commander - the laser did more damage than we thought, the whole place is coming down." 

She pursued her lips, her wrist flicking to reach Joker. 

It didn't take long after that for trouble to find them, a large Krogan appeared in legion with geth, Kaidan narrowed his eyes at the threat, his biotics flaring while T'Soni stood up unsteadily, Shepard put her hand on her shoulder, forcing the Asari back into cover. 

"Don't move, Liara." She snarled at the Krogan, hands on her hips as she flicked him off, "we don't have time for this shit, take them out." 

Shepard caught Kaidan's attention, motioning her plan with signals he understood immediately. She disappeared from sight, activating her cloak and she perched herself on one of the highest points as he distracted them with pulling one of the geth off its feet and across the platform. All focus was on Alenko. 

Ash kept most of the heat off him giving him enough breathing room to get his bearings in the action, Shepard took in a deep breath and started to pick them off one by one, keeping the Krogan for last. There was a bright flare that made her skin goosebump, her breath hitched when Kaidan flared a beautiful bright blue, wisps of biotic energy filled the very space he was in. His strength and confidence was almost overwhelming as the Krogan flared almost purple in response. 

It was an all out biotic war. 

Kaidan's energy burst out from his body, his hands motioning quickly, Shepard could almost feel the two wavelengths of the biotics rubbing against each other in disharmony. Rapid blue fireballs pounded on the Krogan, who grunted for the first time since the geth attacked. 

The battlemaster tracked the human biotic carefully, aware that there was another human who could turn invisible but the male was succeeding in keeping is attention focused, the wave of blue biotics constantly attacking him was becoming more than just a nuisance, he had managed to knock him off his feet a few times. 

Kaidan looked towards the commander, his lips pulled back in effort, Shepard could almost see the sweat on his brow and he grunted out "Get ready to take the shot," before he flared brilliantly blue again, almost blinding her through the scope. A wave of biotics surged and electrified the air, she felt her heart beat rise, her eyes couldn't leave his form twisting with the power he possessed. 

The Krogan stopped moving, a scream of frustration coming from its immobile mouth. Shepard aimed her Widow, a smirk on her lips before she pulled the trigger and drilled him between the eyes. She dropped from her perch, the cloak fizzing out before kneeling next to Kaidan, who'd collapsed on his hands and knees, panting. 

"What was that move?" she eyed him over, she could see him wincing, he glanced at her for a moment before sitting back on his heels and taking in a deep breath to calm himself. 

"Stasis - biggest one I've ever had to put out." 

She patted his back, still feeling the hum of the biotic outburst against her skin but her marveling didn't last long, the ground shook again and the ceiling seemed to pitch at a weird angle. She grabbed Kaidan, pulling him to his feet as Ash did the same with Liara. 

"Go, go!" Shepard shouted, adrenaline rampant again, the thrill of outrunning a collapsing mine was overriding her worry for the lieutenant. They hopped the gap between the platform and the tunnel and ran, she felt Kaidan's hands on her hips, his biotic energy wrapping around her as he lifted her from the ground to the ledge, she felt an intense shiver course through her before she kept running towards the exit, her crew in tow, dodging falling rocks. She stopped at the exit, the shadow of the Normandy easy to spot and she watched everyone run ahead of her, she was the commander, she'd make sure everyone was out of danger first. 

The mine collapsed behind her just as she escaped, her fist punching the portal doors to lock in dust and fire chasing them. She leaned over her knees, panting hard, her eyes still on Kaidan as he leaned against the rails, a grin etched on his lips. Their gaze met and she felt a twist in her gut, one that worried her because she knew what it meant and she didn't know how to stop it. 

Kaidan looked up towards the Normandy, his eyes falling on Ash and the alien they just rescued, but Liara wasn't looking at him, or the Normandy. She was starring at Shepard and the expression on her face made him lose his grin. 

_Shit._


	24. XXIII. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Normandy

_‘That was... awkward_ ,’ if there was any better way to put it, Shepard was open to suggestions. She waved to Dr. Chakwas as she stepped out of the back room, the space Liara had decided to take up as her own. The doors swished closed quietly, and she noticed the dial turn red as the asari locked the entry – only the doctor and herself had the ability to override the lock if there were any real issues but Shepard had to respect the need for solitude. 

She could feel sympathy in that aspect, her own history was filled with loss of similar sorts but she’d grown out of this _touchy_ stuff, she wasn’t even sure how to make the poor woman feel better about it besides telling her to suck it up, take the emotional experience and change it into a weapon to make yourself stronger. 

Shepard frowned at her own words... that didn’t sound right, no matter how she justified it. There was definitely something wrong with the way she thought but, there was nothing to do about it now – she was far too broken to bother fixing and it was best just to continue trudging on, never looking back. 

She stepped out of the medbay, her eyes wandering to Kaidan’s station but he wasn’t there, probably off warming himself after the trudge through the snow and the cold underground of the Noveria facility. Anyone that willingly stayed there to work had to have some problems, then again, considering the things they’d seen there, she wasn’t entirely surprise the scientists had basically all turned. 

The matriarch though, she’d mentioned something about indoctrination and how she couldn’t control herself any longer – all her thoughts and actions were directed by Sovereign. Maybe that was the reason the scientists and guards all turned on them once she killed off the asari with the strange skin. 

How was Saren’s ship involved in all this? Was Sovereign a sapient being? Some sort of AI? She raised a brow at her own line of thought. 

_‘That’s just insane, never say that shit out-loud if you want to keep people from thinking you’re a raving lunatic.’_

She marched over to the ship’s location panel and keyed in to find Alenko, his dot bleeped in the restroom, meaning he was probably trying to warm up his toes in the shower – she grinned, his complaints had been fairly amusing, if she dared say so. Some were actually pretty good ideas. 

She’d found out his mother had a knack for knitting and wondered how Alenko could even fit a sweater under that gear of his. He’d given her the strangest look when she asked that particular question and left him to ponder it. She still couldn’t figure out how he put that damned lightweight gear on without pouring himself into it. She shook her head, making her way to elevator to check on her people in the hangar, even chat a bit with Tali since she’d barely seen her lately – the engineers were completely taken with her ability to fix any minor issues that boggled them. She was glad to have a quarian on board and so was Adams. 

As she arrived in front of the doors, her attention was pulled towards the right side of the hall, where Ashley stepped out of the ladies room, towel still wrapped around her head, sighing happily. 

“Hey, Skipper.” 

“Hey, I was just about to go down and see you.” She grinned at the Gunnery chief, who narrowed her eyes suspiciously. Shepard threw her hands up in peace, earning a grin from the other woman. They both stepped onto the platform of the elevator before the doors shut behind them and for a few seconds, there was a comfortable silence. 

“How’s Liara?” 

“Good, I think – as much as she can be.” Shepard shrugged, unsure how to really explain it any other way. She was _handling_ it. Ashley only sighed, almost angrily. 

“Isn’t weird, for a daughter and a mother to be so completely out of touch with each other? I mean,” she stepped off the elevator, heading towards the lockers with Shepard in tow, “My family is such a tight group, I couldn’t imagine not knowing exactly what my entire family is up to at any given time.” 

Shepard raised a brow, was that even possible? She was never that in-tune with her own family, even when they were still breathing. "I doubt anyone knows what their entire family is doing all the time, Williams - it's impossible." 

"I wish. Listen here-" Ashley flicked on the vid-comm on the armoury desk, a young woman appeared on the holo to which Ash promptly activated, " -Mom couldn't believe that was your commanding officer on that new ship, does she seriously shave her head? Oh and you were right, that Alenko has a real fine ass." 

"Does he now?" Shepard quirked a brow, her lips thinning as she tried to ignore why it was anyone's business why she shaved her head, "Any interests I should be made aware of, chief?" 

"No ma'am - scuttlebutt says he's sweet on someone already, Sarah just doesn't know when to shut up." She tried not to notice Shepard's eyebrows shoot up in surprise at the news. Williams sighed, scratching her nose in embarrassment, worst spot possible to activate a family vid. "Anyway, my point was, no matter what, there's always some sort of gossip from somewhere in family and it just doesn't make any sense that Dr. T'Soni knew nothing about her mother." 

"Not everyone is tight with family, Williams," Shepard looked away from Ashley, who contemplated the words but not really believing it, "For example, Wrex here had to kill his father when he betrayed him on Tuchanka." Ashley raised her brows, the look in her eye made Shepard uncomfortable and she continued, "He didn't murder him out of blood lust, his father wanted to bring more war to the krogans while Wrex wanted to bring the factions together under one rule and come to an agreement of peace, but the genophage has the whole race in despair and no one will rally behind him." 

Shepard rubbed at the back of her neck, a habit she was picking up from Kaidan unknowingly, she stared at the krogan, her mind wandering over the more intimate details of his story that she didn't want to get into - it wasn't her gunnery chief's business anyways. Ash didn't seemed convinced, it was hard to change someone's mind when it was taught to them from birth to distrust something but they were working on that. 

"Tali's practically a princess on her Flotilla, did you know that?" 

"Are you serious?" 

"Yeah, but because she's on her pilgrimage, if she doesn't bring back something to the fleet to impress or aid her race to survive their plight, she will be exiled." 

"Huh." 

"At the same time, Garrus over there is struggling with his family too because of his decision to track down Saren and join the crew on the Normandy – his father thinks its dishonourable. C-Sec is the right way, while renegading with humans chasing him halfway across the galaxy is a waste of time. Not only that, but he’s got... issues with letting the culprits slip between his fingers." 

"Really? I thought turians were-" Shepard shook her head, her hand slicing the air to silence Ash's thought. "A lot of people think that, Ash, but they share similarities with us, if you'd take the time to listen and put aside your own prejudice because of your own family history, you'd learn that the galaxy is full of fuck ups in all species." 

There was an awkward silence between the two, Ash chewed over the words while Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose, wondering if she'd mishandled that in her usual tactless way. Ash took a breath and nodded. 

"You're right Skipper, I'll... I'll do my best to listen." 

"That's all I can ask for, Chief." Shepard grinned, her hand patting the other woman's shoulder and before she stepped away, she eyed Williams, a question burning on her lips. 

"So... who's Kaidan sweet on? I haven't heard this bit of scuttlebutt." 

"Uh, ma'am I'm not big on repeating gossip, you'll have to ask him yourself." Ash back peddled out of that conversation faster than a volus scamming credits. Shepard was going to force the issue but Ash saluted her and muttered something about having to help Garrus with the new Mako that had arrived. She narrowed her eyes and sighed, wondering if Kaidan was finished in the locker room. 

She made her way back up to the crew deck and peeked around the corner to see him sitting at the table, his hands wrapped around a cup of coffee. He glanced in her direction, eyebrow raised as he watched her approaching. She seemed distracted. 

"Lieutenant, I have some questions..." 

He leaned back, his hair still wet from his shower and it dripped teasingly down his side-burn before he wiped it away. Shepard sat down, clearing her throat. 

"What can I do for you ma'am?" His long thick fingers wrapped around the mug, entwining themselves, she noticed some of his nails were still slightly tinted purple from the cold and she resisted the urge to wrap them in her own hands to warm them. She frowned. 

"What's your opinion on the last mission?" 

That... wasn't the question she wanted to ask. 

Kaidan pondered for a moment, trying to sort out his feelings on it. "I'm glad we brought Liara with us, I think she needed that closure with her mother." She watched his lips quirk in thought, his fingers bringing her attention to his mug once more. The thought of those fingers touching anyone else's skin besides her own made the floor tilt under her. 

“Yeah, but she’s a mess.” 

"She’s tough, she’ll hold out – if not, I’m sure your influence will bring her around.” He grinned before taking a sip from his mug. Shepard only narrowed her eyes, a strange feeling in her gut twisted her ugly. 

"What _do_ you think of Liara?" Her voice was deceptively calm, watching his every action. Kaidan seemed to pause for a moment, sensing the change in mood. He took in a silent breath, his hands leaving the mug and laying flat against the table, his eyes watching his fingers flex for a moment before looking up to Shepard. His gaze met hers in a steady and reassuring way that subdued her initial angry reaction. 

"What is there to think? She's a brilliant scientist and interesting," his gaze didn't falter, but he couldn't read Shepard's expression, it was professionally vague. 

"I assume you like her combat skills, since you always suggest we bring her along." 

"It's good to be with another biotic, I am learning a few things I didn't know - I've been looking to better my own biotics since Eden," he raised a brow, the atmosphere between them seemed to have drop a few degrees. 

"Any interest there, lieutenant?" 

The question completely took him off guard, he stepped back a moment in his head, trying to tread with care at her obvious irritation. 

"Uh, no ma'am - Liara is a bit on the bookish side, I'm more interested in adventurous women." 

All the tension was released at once in Shepard's body, confusion swirled around in her head - if it wasn't Liara, then who was it? There weren't that many women on the ship. This feeling was becoming more and more frustrating. 

"Well then who is it?" she snapped at him, not meaning to say anything out loud, her cheeks instantly reddening at her outburst. "Shit, sorry Kaidan - I didn't mean to..." 

Kaidan stared at her, eyebrow arched high in surprise, "Scuttlebutt seems to think Liara's got her eyes on you anyways, Shepard." 

The expression on Shepard's face would have been hilarious had Kaidan not been watching her very reaction to gauge what her feelings towards that information made her feel. 

"What? Oh fuck me." She groaned, her arms folding across the table and hid her face from Kaidan. Everything was making sense now, the way she reacted to her, the constant chats, her interest in her personal life. She hadn't seen that one coming a mile away. 

"Is that why you bring her along? Did you want me to notice it?" She mumbled to him, he strained a bit to understand but he shook his head, brows knit together in worry. 

"No, ma'am - I just wanted her to notice that you didn't have that sort of interest in her and that, uh..." he cut himself off, his hand rubbing the back of his neck nervously. 

Shepard sat up, as though parts of the conversation was coming back to her, her gaze met his and her lips curled at the corners, she leaned forward, chin in her hand and chuckled. 

"Adventurous women, huh?" 

Kaidan couldn't look at her, she'd clued in and he couldn't back out now. "Yes, ma'am, what about you? What's your interest?" 

"Tall, dark and biotic," she quipped before getting up from the chair, letting him chew over that bit of information but she changed the subject, getting up to get her own cup of coffee. "Tell me about your family, Alenko." 

Kaidan's eyes were still following her around the room, he cleared his throat. "Not much to say, really - my dad was enlisted, my mom was home." 

Shepard sat down in front of him, her eyes roaming across his features and she felt her whole center stabilise as she listened to his stories, his past on BAaT and the strength it took for him to overcome his own self-destruction. 

"Have you found what you're looking for yet, Kaidan?" her eyes seemed almost faraway, the weight of her question tangible between them. He leaned forward, watching her. 

"I'm not sure, but I think if I keep on the path I'm on now, I will." 

Shepard raised a brow, taking a sip of her lukewarm coffee, Kaidan shifted in his seat and wondered what exactly brought her to this kind of life and pushed her to be this severe with herself. 

"What about you, Shepard? You avoided my question when I was a recruit, but - what brought you to the Alliance?" 

He saw it then, her whole body tensed, fingers gripping the handle of the mug, her eyes haunted with memory. He regretted asking. "If you don't want to talk about it, commander it's-" 

"No. It's not that, it's just," she looked at him, her lips curled down into a soft sad expression. She seemed to have trouble hiding them from him, he always dug in the right places and she never seemed to mind. Therapists had spent years trying to pry her open but with one simple question from him, she wanted to tell him everything. "I've never spoken about this to anyone so, it's going to take a while." 

"I'll make another pot," he got up from his seat, a soft reassuring smile perched on his lips and before she knew it - here in the dark corner of the mess hall, she allowed someone to take a peek at her past. 


	25. XXIV. Abandoned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Citadel Docks

The woman was broken. 

Shepard stood in front of her, her eyes listless as she swung the gun recklessly - her shaking hands, her fear and confusion imminent. How long would she continue to suffer from this nightmare? 

She was pulled back into herself, the sixteen year old girl covered in her father's blood, hiding from the slavers who had captured this poor woman at the tender age of six. 

What kind of life had she suffered? 

"The masters-" tears swelled into her eyes, streaking through the dirty skin. She'd smuggled herself aboard a ship and now she was facing an unknown. C-Sec officers surrounded her and Shepard was frozen in place. 

Abandoned - she'd been abandoned to the slavers while _she_ was safely tucked into a shuttle heading to Earth. Kaidan wasn't too far behind Shepard, his thoughts going over the situation. 

Kaidan couldn't believe it - a Mindoir survivor and an escapee. 

The stark realisation that this could have been Shepard hit him in the gut. A frightened woman trapped within the mind of a child. Shepard moved closer, her hands out as she whispered hushed words to her but the woman would hear none of it. She screamed at her to back away, Shepard would take one step back but she didn't stop talking. 

The woman curled into herself, still clutching the gun, aiming it at her temple. There was a rush in Shepard's voice that made Kaidan wince, it wasn't really about saving the woman at this point, after everything Shepard had told him the other night, it was about pleasing the ghosts that haunted her. 

She had to save this woman to absolve her own sins. Kaidan watched his commander as she squatted down next to the woman, Talitha Raven. Shepard's hand stroked the other woman's cheek, there was a fierceness in her eyes that seem to fire up the other woman, Talitha was furiously nodding and even smiled a little. 

She rose to her feet, Shepard lead her carefully to the C-sec officers who fretted over the young woman for a moment, thanking the commander. She shrugged, mumbling "Part of the job," but he knew better. 

The haunted look in her eyes, the way she twisted her hands as she watched the young woman walk away, he _knew_. 

"Did you know her, on Mindoir?" 

Shepard stood silent, worrying her lower lip before she took in a deep breath. 

"Yeah, she was my neighbour, always teased my little brother that he was going to marry her someday." He didn't miss the tight sound of her voice. He was starting to be able to read through her masks, peeling back the layers she carefully draped herself with. 

"I wonder... what he'd say now, seeing her like this," she murmured mostly to herself, but Kaidan heard it, and he resisted the urge to put his hand on her shoulder. Instead he stood next to her, letting his closeness comfort her and later, if she let him, he'd help her pick up the pieces of her past she'd forgotten on the dock that day. 


	26. XXV. Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Normandy

It took a while, Kaidan thought as he observed the commander digging through her locker, for him to learn all her different faces. She was hard to figure out, always careful to keep any real semblance of her true self hidden away. After she had opened up to him on her past, after Talitha nearly killing herself on the docking bay of the Normandy, he'd started to really _look_ at her. 

What he found, so far, past the layers of lies she built around herself to misdirect who you thought Commander Shepard is supposed to be, was a woman who had managed to lose herself along the way and wasn't interested in finding herself again. The masks she wore were slowly falling away around him and he wasn't sure why she was letting it happen but he wasn't about to push it away. 

When he'd first met her, her lips had been pursed in annoyance, angry curves quick to disappear when he approached her but within a few moments, he'd managed to turn them slightly and up towards her eyes - he knew it was a real tiniest of tiny smiles because he could sense the sparkle there. 

Their next meeting had been more formal, as his commander she'd given him a professional cold smile, practiced to trick the ones who weren't really _looking_ at her and it separated her from the rest of the crew. It was all business, no play. _Deflect, ruse and move on before they can catch you._ It was her motto, she was an infiltrator by trade and she lived by that code. 

Then, there was the one that was all teeth, bared to her enemies, blood lust evident as she laughed or even snarled at them - there was pleasure there but it wasn't the kind of smile he wanted her to have. Her eyes were hard, empty - void of life even in the throes of battle, despite her claims that she only felt truly alive there, on the battle field. 

There was the sad one, he hated seeing when she spoke of her past, lips pressed tightly, corners curled down in a grimace that reflected the same sort of pain in her eyes - she thought he couldn't really see it, she was careful to hide it from him but he was very good at reading body language. 

And when she was angry, her jaw clenched, squeezing the powerful muscles of her jaw in a bulge that warned anyone around her that she was running out of patience and if they didn't shut up and clear out, she would _make_ them. Her eyes were always fired up them, it was the first time he really noticed how deep the blue of her eyes were with her brows arched so angrily. 

Slowly, a little bit at a time, he noticed a new one, when she spoke to Williams - it was relaxed, a pull of flesh across the teeth as she burst into laughter, her eyes twinkled with humour and trust. One brow always arched, her curious nature coming out despite her best effort to keep the gunnery chief at arm's length. He could see it in her stance, the way her arms hung loosely, her wrists turned out toward the chief. She trusted her, but she couldn't let her know that so instead she gave Williams her own unique smile. 

Garrus and Wrex, oftentimes would instigate her competitive streak, her lips pulled back in a wide grin that screamed mischief always warmed him and invited Wrex to threaten a head butt - Kaidan figured she'd probably take him on and somehow win, in fact, he'd bet a hundred creds she was part krogan sometimes. 

And then there was the smile she'd been giving _him_. The lopsided grin, brow arched as the corners of her eyes crinkled with amusement and curiosity. The light dusting of blush across the bridge of her nose had only begun recently, when they'd become more bold with their mutual interests. He really liked the way her eyes averted his gaze while they battlefield flirted. 

She turned from the locker, rubbing her hands together and she looked towards him, he didn't take his gaze away, letting it linger on her. Her brows arched high and she shook her head slightly, that soft little shy smile she had trouble hiding when he was just simply _looking_ at her adorned her lips. He grinned at her before she turned the corner and up the stairs to the CIC. 

He couldn't get enough of her expressions when the mask of Commander Shepard fell away. 


	27. XXVI. Deep in Thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Normandy, above Feros

Shepard's hand gripped Joker's shoulder in thanks as she walked away, their course set for Feros - she'd been very apprehensive the first few times she spoke with the pilot. His over-bearing cockiness had rubbed her the wrong way but after a few weeks, she'd recognized his skill and now, there wouldn't be another person she'd trust the Normandy to. 

Plus, his bad jokes were starting to be pretty funny. Her step faltered a moment, blinking at her own train of thought _His jokes were funny?_ Maybe... it was time she seriously considered taking that shore leave... and take her lieutenant _with_ her. 

She felt her ears warm up at the thought and she cleared her throat as though to push away her forwardness, it was a little bold to assume anything, really... sure, there was some battlefield flirting, she had a slight obsession with the way his body moved, the feel of his biotics and how the simplest of words just seemed to wash over her. 

But that was _her_ problem to deal with. Although, she wasn't sure how to deal with it, considering every second spent with the man drew her to him more and more. And there were the regs... she pushed the thought away. It wasn't possible at this point, she wasn't even sure if he was even serious about all the flirting, being in constant danger and under the threat of heavy fire generally skewed your feelings on _things_. 

But then again, the whole crew of the Normandy was inspiring a fierce loyalty in her she hadn't experienced in years. This gathering of miscreants, these aliens who could barely hold their shit together had her more interested in what they wanted, what they were up to than before. Her post-mission routines had changed over the last few weeks to inquire with everyone - she liked hearing their opinions. She liked playing cards with the engineers, liked speaking to Tali about her messed up race. 

Liara always had some crazy theory about Protheans and history, Wrex was good for a war story after she pried it out of him and Garrus. Well, Garrus had a whole different perspective since he was strictly turian military. It was nice to have someone as sharp as she was with a sniper and he was quick on the strategies. 

Everyone had each other's back, even Ashley was coming around to trust their unlikely allies. She nodded to her crew as they busied themselves around her, she stepped up to the Galaxy Map and stared down, following their course and couldn't push down the overwhelming feeling of pride. 

But then, her mind always played tricks with her - she knew that, deep down, this wouldn't last but nothing was going to keep her from enjoying that moment for now. 

"Five minutes out to Feros, Commander." Joker's voice distracted her from darker thoughts, she straightened and nodded, turned on her heels and flicked the communicator. 

"Alenko, Williams, suit up." 


	28. XXVII. Keeping a Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Normandy, Hangar

The stench of the creeper goo was unbearable, Ashley's face twisted in disgust as her gear dropped to the floor. She was sure it smelled like rotten cabbage. 

She _hated_ cabbage. 

She flicked her hands, the liquid splattering before she heard the commander laugh across the hangar. Ashley looked up, eyebrow arched in curiosity; it was a rare occasion to hear the woman laugh. She could see Kaidan shaking his head, his face fairly red as the commander commented on some of his finer moments in the thick of battle. One of them involved him slipping on goo and falling on his ass. 

"It wasn't _that_ funny," he murmured, barely loud enough for Ash to hear but she still caught it. She feigned interest in her locker as they approached; she noticed the commander's smile was completely relaxed, her hand lingering on the lieutenant's forearm. 

"Are you kidding? Your face was priceless when you saw it and said _'I think we need a bigger boot, commander.'_ " 

Kaidan gave Ashley a withering look, looking for support, Ash could only grin. "I have to agree with Skipper, it was pretty funny." 

"See? I'm not the only one," she quipped. He shook his head and motioned for the commander to turn around so he could help her out of her gear, Shepard obliged, grimacing as the smell finally reached her nostrils. Ashley watched them from the corner her eyes, they were perfectly at ease with each other. 

She smirked. 

Shepard turned towards Kaidan, both of them still engrossed in the finer points of the mission when she began to remove Kaidan's gear, the gunnery chief noticed something unusual about the LT, he was _fidgeting_ every time Shepard brushed against him. 

Oh this was _gold_. 

Kaidan handed the commander a towel as she grabbed her personal items, his own bag over his shoulder. He fell into step with Shepard, his grin growing bigger by the second as they approached the elevator. 

"Oh, speaking of biotics," she perked up, excited at the possibility to relay some interesting tidbit. "I read on the extranet the other day that they could read minds, is that true?" 

Kaidan coughed, caught off guard and obviously thoroughly confused. "Where are you finding all this, uh, _information_ , commander?" 

"Well, I'm curious. I need to know more about your biotics if I'm going to be working with you more often. I don't understand any of it even if my sister was one," she huffed, crossing her arms. Ashley saw Alenko stare at the commander with his mouth slightly agape, shaking his head. 

"I'll be more than happy to tell you everything you need to know, Commander, just stop looking it up on the extranet." 

Ashley didn't get to hear the rest of the conversation as the doors slid shut, but she had the upper hand on Joker. She pressed her communicator, smirking. 

"Hey Joker," she picked up the gear from the pileup, getting it ready for the incinerator. 

"What?" the pilot grumbled, still a bit freaked out at the last mission. The colonist had all but done everything in their power to rip the apart the Normandy's hull to get in. Shepard had given him the order to open fire if they did anything nasty but it still creeped him out. 

"What's the pool at now?" Ashley tried to keep her voice from sounding too interested but it was difficult, she had insider information and it was too hard to pass up the creds she could make off it. 

"What, you want in now?" Joker didn't seem convinced; she had already torn a strip off his back about running this bet on the Commander and her XO bunking up. "Thought gambling was beneath you." 

She shrugged, as though he could see her. Knowing his particular tastes, he probably could. "I just have a good feeling," she sighed, trying to get him off her trail. "1,000 creds on Alenko." 

There was silence first, then a chuckle. "Your loss, Williams." 

She eyed the ceiling, chuckling - _no sir, it's yours since I'm keeping a little secret._


	29. XXVIII. Mischief Managed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Normandy, Mess

_Coffee._

Shepard stumbled out of her captain's cabin, sleep still heavily pressing against her - the last mission had taken its toll on her - she didn't normally need a lot of rest but... Feros had been all sorts of fucked up. 

She turned the corner, anticipating seeing Kaidan's form bent over the panel and get her morning dose of his perfect backside but he wasn't there. She frowned, flicking on her omni-tool to check the schedule, she was sure he was on rotation this morning. Then again, it _was_ fairly early. 

She shrugged, wondering if maybe he was still in his sleeper pod - debated checking but then it may look a little suspicious if she poked her head in just to wake up the lieutenant so instead she headed to the mess. Her hand slid under her t-shirt, scratching her belly as she yawned, the doors sliding open into the kitchen. Kaidan looked up from the counter, over his shoulder and paused, his eyes lingering on her exposed skin. He cleared his throat, returning his attention to his cup. 

"Kaidan," Shepard's voice was groggy with sleep and it made him smile - he was coming to terms with this attraction between them, especially since it seemed to be reciprocated from the commander, "Fancy meeting you here." 

"Mornin' Shepard," he shook his head slightly when he felt her hip brush against his own before she leaned against the counter, watching him. No, he was sure she felt the same, he could almost see her lopsided grin when she folded her arms across her chest. 

"What are you up to?" She peeked over his cup to see some sort of brown powder at the bottom of it, she raised a brow when he hovered over it protectively, and shooting her a glare that warned her she wasn't going to be getting any. She smirked. "Must be something delicious the way you're clutching your hands around that mug, Alenko." 

He narrowed his eyes lightly, reaching for the pot of hot milk he'd been warming to just the right temperature, "Yes, it _is_ delicious. My mother sends me her specially made hot chocolate sometimes and this is the last of it." 

"Oh?" She'd had hot chocolate before, but it was always watery and tasteless. She wasn't very fond of it but... a special cup made by her lieutenant could potentially change her mind about the drink. She watched him carefully pour the milk into the cup and she sniffed the air, brows rising slightly in surprise. 

"Is that real cream?" 

She noticed the small quirk of lips, his smile was always a treat for her. 

"Yes, it's the last of it. I bought just enough for this." 

"Just where have you been hiding it? I've looked in every nook and cranny of this damned space and could only find the powdered stuff." 

His chuckle sent a shiver down her spine, her eyes on his lips. She loved the way he spoke, the simplest of words always seemed much more interesting coming out of his mouth. 

"If I told you my secret, ah, ma'am, I won't have any cream left for my hot chocolate." 

She huffed, looking away for a moment before his movement caught her attention again. He plopped some white things in the hot liquid before stirring the concoction with a little plastic straw. 

"True, I guess," she discreetly sniffed the air and found it smelled... _delicious_. She eyed the mug as Kaidan brought it up to his mouth, her gaze lingering there longer than she should have let it but he pursed them in the most fascinating position. He looked like he was about to kiss the white foam. 

She wanted it all, the cup he was about to embrace and his lips. 

She heard the softest whoosh come from Kaidan as he blew at the cup, the steam pushing away from his face. He could feel her eyes on him and he was suddenly very conscious of his every move. He tipped the cup forward and took his first sip, the hot liquid washing down his throat as he purposely let a small dab of the melted marshmallow come across his upper lip. He glanced at Shepard, who's eyes were glued on his mouth, he felt his ears burn a little, he wasn't reading her wrong. 

The tip of his tongue came out and he licked the marshmallow slowly but discreetly, letting out a soft groan of pleasure at the taste. His mother made the very best. He saw Shepard's own mouth twitch, the muscles clenching in her jaw as she rubbed a hand across her face and turned away from him. 

He grinned, slurped another sip with a _Ahhh._ His omni-tool beeped loudly, he put the cup down and frowned, wondering how that darn panel was still shorting out every couple of days or so. He still hadn't been able to figure it out. 

Shepard watched him walk out of the kitchen, smirking to herself as she flicked off her omni-tool, program still running to screw with that particular panel. A girl had to do what she had to do to get an eyeful of that perfection every once in a while. She grabbed the hot cup and sniffed it again, she could see the shape of his bottom lip on the mug and felt a cheap girlish thrill when she pressed her lip to the same position and sipped the hot chocolate. 

Her eyes widened in surprise - this was no ordinary hot chocolate. She had to confiscate it _immediately_. 

Kaidan wiped his hands on his thighs, frowning. It just.. suddenly started working again, he reached over to take his mug but realised as his fingers touched the cool empty panel that he'd left it in the kitchen... with Shepard. 

He sighed, heading back only to find the room empty. With his mug gone. He narrowed his eyes, knowing full well who the culprit was. Shepard had a mischievous streak in her that rarely came out but when it did, it was a force to be reckoned with. If he knew her routine well enough, she'd be down in the armoury by now, cleaning her weapons for the next mission on Virmire. 

He took the elevator down, putting on his best angry frown, squaring his shoulders as the doors slid open and his gaze found her hunched over the weapons table. He looked around for a brief moment just to see if anyone was around, his steps louder than normal as he stomped towards Shepard. 

Her shoulders stiffened, expecting the confrontation. He saw her peek over her shoulder, lips pursed as she came up with some sort of excuse as to why she ran away with his mug and the last bit of his favourite hot chocolate. 

"Alenko-" she started, her gaze meeting his but she froze, his jaw was set hard, muscle flexing as he chewed over his words. She could practically feel the anger rolling off him. His thick brows were knitted together but there was something in his gaze that made her doubt he was truly angry with her. 

But still... she wasn't too sure - she did however like this particular aspect of her lieutenant. 

"Commander, that's my last cup," he pointed at his mug, the steam still wafting from it and he could almost feel the taste of the bitter chocolate. She rose her chin, arms crossing in defense. 

"I had to confiscate it." 

It was difficult to keep his face angry with her bright white mustache across her top lip, proudly displaying her guilt. He took a closer step, his eyes even angrier looking, Shepard met his frown inch per inch, not giving up her personal space as she straightened up, reminding him who the commanding officer was. 

"Confiscate it?" His lips pulled back in what looked like a snarl, Shepard balked for a second, second guessing her little prank. Maybe she had really upset him, he took another step, she could feel the heat of his body against hers. She ignored the tingle of excitement. 

"Yes, it was a dist-" his lips met hers in a briefest of kisses, his tongue brushed her upper lip to taste the marshmallow and clean it off. He stepped back, his cheeks reddening at her shocked expression. 

"I hope you enjoy it, commander," he murmured, his bravery dissipating as she stood there silent. He turned on his heels and headed towards the elevator, he had to have a serious talk with his brain. 

Shepard watched him walk off, her hand slowly rising to touch her lips, her brain still quiet. She took in a deep breath and whispered _whoa_. 

****

Ashley smirked from her spot behind the crates, having seen more than enough to imagine Kaidan finally got the guts to do it. Then, she heard a distinctively threatening "Keep your mouth shut, Williams." 

"Aye, aye ma'am." 

She'd have to tell Joker she won the bet. 


	30. XXIX. Two Roads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Virmire

Shepard limped into the Normandy with Kaidan's heavy weight across her shoulders, the strong scent of blood from his belly wound lingered around her face and she bit back an angry snap at the soldier who seemed far too slow in front of her. 

"Move it, I need to get m- the lieutenant to Chakwas," the snarl in her voice made the crew around her back away as she made her way to the elevator, she eyed Wrex critically as he leaned against the lockers and Garrus who ducked his head under the hood of the Mako, unwilling to look towards the commander. Her shoulders ached, her mind was going a million miles a second, they had to get Ashley. 

"Joker!" She yelled at the elevator once the doors slid open, the communnicator remained silent, she felt the shift of her weight as the ship's thrusters kicked into motion to gain altitude. 

"Flight Lieutenant, we are _not_ leaving her. It is _not_ an option, do you hear me?" Her rage was tangible, wrapping around her tongue as the soft drip of blood at her feet grated on her frayed nerves. 

"Two minutes until detonation, ma'am," Navigator Pressly's voice came over the come, there was a strange resignation to it she didn't want to acknowledge. 

The elevator crawled to a stop, the doors barely opened before she squeezed through them with her lieutenant still unconscious in her fireman's carry. Chakwas was already standing in wait in the corridor, Shepard lowered him as gently as possible onto the bed and she turned on her heels, pointing at her stomach to show the doctor where the wound was. She raced away from them, turned up towards the stairs and took them two by two to the CIC. 

_You know this is the right decision, Skipper._

"Status?" Shepard barely has time to remove her helmet before climbing up the short steps to the Galaxy map, she zoomed into the planet and gripped the metal bar. She could feel the material biting into her flesh, her breathing was heavy and ragged, her throat ached from where Saren pulled her off her feet. 

"Joker, for fuck's sake, answer the damned question before I drag your crippled, insubordinate ass-" 

_Go get the LT and get the hell out of here._

"Thirty seconds, Shepard." Joker's voice was subdued, the whole CIC turned towards the map, Shepard raced to the cockpit, the knot in her throat becoming larger by the second. 

_It's been an honour serving with you, ma'am._

No. Not another- 

The light blinded her, the ship groaned as the shockwave hit and fired its engines, hitting the upper atmosphere before she could even reach out to Joker's chair. The pilot pulled his cap down, covering his eyes and Shepard just stared out into space, her gut twisting violently. She gripped the head of the seat, her mouth snapped shut and as they pulled away into the depth of the stars, her failure ingraining itself into her. 

The Commander let go of the headrest, took a step back with the crew at her back. She snapped her heels together, straightened her back with pride and gave her finest soldier a sharp salute, not bothering to fight the tears in her eyes - the crew followed her example. 

_No, Ash, the honour was all mine._


	31. XXX. Sorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Normandy, Captain's Cabin

Shepard's fingers hovered over the data pads, her thoughts jumbling uncharacteristically. The debrief after Virmire had been far too brief, she could still feel Kaidan's eyes on her while she reported the casualties, the mission's failures and what the next steps should be. 

His face had been unreadable as her gaze looked over him, her relief to have him alive was overshadowed by her sorrow. Her friend, comrade in arms, was sacrificed for the good of the mission. Another death she couldn't have stopped, another sacrifice to add to her long list of _shouldn't have happened_. She pressed the palms of her hands against her eyes, leaning her elbows against the desk and tried to swallow the large lump in her throat. 

Her eyes burned. She hadn't cried in _years_. 

The doors to her cabin swished open softly, she looked over her shoulder and saw Kaidan. He'd recovered from his wound and he carefully made his way towards her across the room. The shadows of her room still kept his expression hidden from her but she could feel his mood. 

He stopped, mere feet away from her, his eyes still locked with hers. 

"Kaidan, how are you feeling?" Shepard looked away first, her hand resting on an old book she'd found in Ashley's locker. The woman had always been interested in poetry and this was the only book amongst the data pads. Shepard had wanted to thumb through it, maybe see what the big deal was about. 

She liked the smell of the pages, and there were some passages that were more worn than others - she assumed these were the ones Ash liked to read the most. She felt his hand on her shoulder, she refused to look at him. 

"Shepard," the rustic sound of his voice struck a chord in her - he was still here, still within her grasp and the relief was almost overwhelming, "did you come rescue me because of what happened between us the other day?" 

"No- I didn't." She didn't sound sure, he sat down near her, his presence reassuring her. She had made the right decision, Kaidan was the ranking officer between the two and a powerful human biotic. 

Ashley was a ground-pounder, she was a _disposable_ soldier - they were a dime a dozen in the Navy. Shepard snarled at herself, when had she begun to think like that? When did she start only seeing people as objects, numbers on paper. Ashley was far more than just that, she was a friend, she was the sister she lost. 

She felt disgusted, there was something seriously wrong with her. 

"You know..." she started, her hands opening the book, flipping through the pages carefully, "When I had to pick one of you to go with the salarians..." She bit her lower lip, her eyes landing on a passage of the book. Kaidan remained quiet, his gaze still on her, watching her fingers spread across the page to smooth it out. He reached down and brushed his fingers against her own to push them out of the way. 

Shepard shuttered, swallowing, a knot of uncertainty rolled in the pit of her belly like lead, "I sent you away on purpose." 

"Because of... whatever it is between us?" There was no emotion in his voice, she looked at him, his eyes were searching hers but her gaze dropped to the center of his chest. 

"Because... I didn't want to show any _weaknesses_." 

The silence that followed was heavy, almost unbearable to the point where Shepard looked up and into his eyes. He was frowning, his lips moving slightly as though he was practicing what needed to be said privately. 

"Am I a weakness, Shepard?" The question was simple enough but it still struck her as complicated. Was he a weakness? Would he be her undoing? The answer scared her because she wasn't sure what the implications would mean. 

"Yes." 

She whispered it barely loud enough for even her own ears but there it was, her own vulnerable spot open for him to see and Kaidan didn't move, his fingers only picked up the book she'd been thumbing and read the passage there. The soft gravelly sound strangely soothing despite the heavy meaning behind it. 

_"Do not stand at my grave and weep,"_ Shepard leaned back against her chair, her eyes focusing on the screen in front of her, the message to Ash's mother still blank and waiting for her to justify her decision. _"I am not there; I do not sleep."_ She felt him shift his position, sitting closer to her - his thigh rubbed against hers. _"I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow,"_ he leaned forward, his elbows on her desk, his warmth seeping through her cold flesh. The lump in her throat threatened to come up for air. 

She leaned over, her eyes on the worn text as though Ashley had read these thousands of times _, "I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain."_ The sound of her name on his tongue made her heart squeeze, memories of her home fluttered towards happier times. She plucked the book from his fingers, her gaze meeting his for a brief moment. 

_"When you awaken in the morning’s hush, I am the swift uplifting rush,"_ she continued, Kaidan leaned his chin into his palm, watching her, his one free hand left the desk and reached her knee, gingerly squeezing it. _"Of quiet birds in circling flight. I am the soft starlight at night."_

Shepard bit her lower lip, her eyes burning - she could feel the tears coming and her voice broke when she spoke the last words of this well loved poem _, "Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die."_

Kaidan pulled her into his arms, she curled onto his lap, arms around his waist, a soft hush of air escaped her as she wept, his fingers rubbed at the velvet feel of her hair, tucking her head under his chin, hushing her. 

"I couldn't let you go, Kaidan, I'm sorry." 

He didn't say anything, he _couldn't_ say anything because the selfish side of himself was happy to hear her say that and at the same time, completely horrified. For both their sakes, he held his broken commander tightly against his chest while she wept away her guilt and he begged for Ash's forgiveness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do not stand at my grave and weep - Poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye, as published in 1932.


	32. XXXI. Breaking the Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Normandy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Sexual activity.

This was utter _bullshit_. 

Shepard marched back to the lower deck once the light had flashed green and the Normandy had been released from the docking bay. Udina had beyond fucked them over, he had endangered every living thing in this cube of space by selling her out and taking his support away, locking down her crew. 

The danger was _real_. She wasn’t making things up for her own benefit in some lunatic chase against Saren to avenge Ashley, things were not done at Virmire. 

She arrived at the lockers, fingers lingering a moment on Ash's locker door before she pulled out her weapons and dumped them out on the table, she hoped she was making the right decision but the crew was entirely behind her on this, no one had left when she gave them the option. 

Not only that but this was really Anderson's idea and considering he's her commanding officer... she grinned, this was definitely up her alley with trouble. Testing out the various mods and clips, she put her weapons back, did a final check on her gear and locked her locker, heading up towards the elevator. She nodded to Wrex, who gave her a large toothy grin, she could see it in his posture, he was itching to fight, the call to battle singing in his blood. She shook her head, hopped on the elevator and waited for it to stop at the crew deck. She tapped her foot impatiently, her mind wandering over the last few hours. 

Kaidan's support had touched her, he'd become a pillar of strength she didn't realise she needed in this - she felt her cheeks warm when she thought about how close they'd been to kissing for the second time just then. 

_'Are you always so cautious with a sure thing?'_

Shepard smiled, it was nice to know that Kaidan didn't take their... she looked up, frowning, trying to put a name to _whatever it is_ that is going on between them, so lightly. She acknowledged a crewman before turning towards her cabin, she stepped through the dimmed cabin, her computer blinking with waiting messages. She sat at her desk, ignoring the one from Udina - pondered opening the one from the council but she was sure it was something along the lines of her SPECTRE status being removed. 

She decided it wasn't worth the worry and opened the one from Anderson. 

_"Shepard, it was worth breaking my knuckle on Udina's face,"_ he massaged his hand, bandaged already and by the looks of things, he was under guard by C-sec when one armed turian crossed the screen in the background. She shook her head, grinning, _"Stop Saren with everything you got, the crew trusts you - I trust you. We'll talk about the consequences later, then again, you're a N7 and a SPECTRE, not much can touch you. Good luck."_

She turned the vid off, preparing to reply when her doors open. She didn't have to look, she’d recognize those footsteps anywhere on the ship. She turned towards Kaidan, crossing her arms as he approached. She was smirking at him because he seemed terribly preoccupied. 

"Commander," he started, she huffed, shaking her head. 

"I think we're a little past titles, Kaidan, wouldn't you think so?" He smirked, the lopsided grin sending a little tingle of pleasure into her belly. 

"We're a little past a lot of things, Shepard." Maybe it was the adrenaline still coursing through her veins or the high of breaking regs but she was having trouble really listening to what he had to say. Something about stealing the ship, kidnapping. Her eyes were mostly focused on the angle of his jaw, the flex of muscles as he spoke, that dimple in the middle of his chin. 

"We're a hell of an example..." 

She let the sound of his voice travel down her spine, the flesh puckering in anticipation when he stepped closer to her. Her gaze lingered on his lips, the small scar from BAaT puckering every time he said _what, where, when, who and why_. She licked her lips when he approached her, his brown eyes searching her own eyes, she could see the want there, the need and lust. 

"I've enjoyed serving under you." 

Shepard raised a brow, mischief twinkling in her eyes, "Kaidan, you've yet to have that pleasure." His chuckle sent another thrill down her spine, he stepped closer, she could feel his breath against her skin. His gaze dropped to her lips, she licked them again and saw him bite his lower lips for a moment before continuing. 

"Battlefield flirting is one thing, Shepard, but I guess breach of protocol won't mean much at our court martial." She felt his hand on her hip, his lips brushed hers softly. She put her one hand against his cheek and rubbed her thumb across the jaw line, her gaze still watching his lips move. 

"Bunk here tonight..." she let her sentence trail, there was a glint of lust in her eyes that wasn't missed by Kaidan - still, he chuckled, intent on teasing her. 

"Is that an order?" 

"Shut up and kiss me." 

He leaned forward, his nose rubbing against hers for a moment before murmuring _aye, aye ma'am_ against her lips and kissed her. There was a spark that ignited between them, weeks of flirting and teasing poured out from some sort of barricade they'd both had kept tightly sealed. 

She pulled him closer, her mouth opening to welcome his inquisitive tongue inside, he groaned longingly at her taste. She arched her back when one of his hands caressed her spine over her BDUs, his hand following the curve of her ass to bring her hips flushed against his. 

She stepped backwards, his fingers sliding under the edge of her shirt and they eagerly touched the skin hidden under the material. She breathed him in, her lips moving across his to his chin and she nipped at the dip there, making him shudder. Her hands slipped across his shoulders, up his neck and for a moment, she brushed his amp tenderly earning a shiver. 

He pulled at her shirt and she lifted her arms obligingly, they both toed their boots as her gaze meeting his and the heat between them increased tenfold. She heard her shirt hit the floor, her fingers curled into his belt, yanking him back towards the bed. Their lips met again, this time there was nothing gentle about their kiss. 

He bit her lower lip, she hissed and curved her back enticing him to touch the expanse of exposed skin. He let his nails scrape down the skin of her back, enjoying the sounds it pulled from her throat. His deft fingers grabbed the clasp of her bra when they met the material on the way down and he struggled for a moment, trying to undo the clasps. 

Shepard laughed against his lips, her hands undoing his belt. 

"Not used to undoing bras, lieutenant?" 

"No ma'am," he gasped when she unzipped the cargoes and slipped her hand inside, her finger tips brushing against the head of his shaft. He pressed his forehead against hers, his jaw flexing a moment as he gathered his bearings. The simple anticipation of her touch was easily undoing him. 

"Good," she murmured, teasing him with a kiss she never lets connect. Chuckling, he pushed her back gently, her calves hit the edge of the bed and she dragged him down with her, his weight sinking her into the blankets. She felt his stubble rub against her cheeks as he kissed her ear lobe, nipped and licked her jaw and followed the length of her neck. He stopped at the dip where her collarbones meet. His tongue slid along the curve, tasting her before kissing the skin and feeling her racing heart beat. 

She felt his lips pull back in a grin, his thigh slipping between hers and rolled his hips to press the large muscle against her heating center. She gasped, her hands travelling down his back, pulling at the material. As he moved down to her chest, she pulled the shirt upwards and off of him, the clink of his dog tags attracted her attention for a moment before arching her back when his mouth brushed against a pert nipple, tightening in anticipation. Her flesh puckering with bumps when he pulled the stiff nub into his mouth and let his tongue swirl around it. 

His teeth clamped down gently, his hand slipped under her as she arched again, pulling her closer to him - flesh against flesh. There was a secret thrill to that, neither of them would admit - allowing their lust for each other consume them. His hand slipped down from her back to her hips, his fingers curling around the curve, his mouth still hot on her breasts, kissing down the valley to her belly button. He slipped his torso between her thighs, his fingers doing quick work of the zipper and buttons and he pulled at the pants. Shepard shimmied them off, biting her lower lip with anticipation. 

She could feel his gaze taking in every inch of her exposed skin, she thanked the maker her panties were dark or he'd surely see the dampness there, between her legs. Not that it would matter, she thought as he crawled back up her body, his large hands stroking and massaging her limbs. He brushed his nose against the inside of her legs, nipping the sensitive flesh up to the apex of her thighs and then paused, his warm brown eyes capturing her cool blue ones - she could see the deviousness there and her breath hitched. 

"Kaid-" 

His lips pressed against the material of her underwear, he opened his mouth to let his teeth rub lightly against the outline of her sex. He sucked through the material, his tongue pressing the hidden nub and he slid his index under the elastic edge. His finger slipped along her wet entrance, the lips swollen with desire and he took in a deep breath, taking in her scent. 

He groaned, his erection growing inside of his pants uncomfortably. Shepard's hands slipped over his ears, her fingers grabbing his hair at the nape there, tugging at them to pull him up - but he only shook his head, his lips pulling back into a grin against her. He lifted the elastic, enough to expose her slit, his tongue slipped out from between his lips and licked slowly, tasting her very core. 

Her thighs stiffen around him, her fingers griping his hair. He sought out the nub, his tongue gliding over her and for a brief moment sucked the tinny bundle of nerves hard. Her hips bucked, he didn't let her move him, his mouth moving at a torturous pace. She gasped, biting her lip and moaned - his mouth was becoming too much and she needed to feel his lips against her own. She pulled at his hair, whimpering with need and with one last suckle, he released the elastic, covering her again. 

Kaidan slipped up along her body, pulling up her knees as he moved up. He settled between her thighs, his erection pressing against her sex. His lips met hers in a mesh tongues, her fingers tightly wound in his hair and she moaned into his mouth when she rolled her hips against him. 

"You have too many clothes on," she murmured, breathless as one of his hands grabbed her ass and slipped under the material, squeezing the muscle hard as he thrust his hips to feel the friction of her heat against his erection. 

"Ah, then, I think its best you fix that situation, Commander." 

She squeezed his hips with her thighs, he felt her body shift under him and braced himself as she flipped him over onto his back, her eyebrow arched with mischief. "My pleasure," she murmured, her hands sliding down his chest to his navel and curled into the loops of his pants, she tugged slowly, her eyes watching the bulge under the material. She bit her lip as she pulled the pants off, appreciating the span of muscles that flexed under her touch. 

The pants dropped to the floor, hovering over his knees, she bent over his thighs, brushed her breasts against them, her hands sliding up his upper thighs and over his covered erection. Kaidan groaned as her fingers traced the outline of him, feeling the heat under her touch excited them both. He arched his hips forward, into her hand - she grinned and continued her exploration up his chest, her hot center brushing against his constrained erection. 

She rolled her hips as he reached up to grab her and help her with the move but she pushed back his hands, pressing them by his temples. "Ah, ah, Alenko. I don't think I gave you permission." Another roll of her hips, she felt a familiar tingle between her legs and the heat from the flush of her excitement. Her breasts were mere inches away from his lips and with a quick decisive dip he took one petulant nipple into his mouth and sucked, his teeth nibbling hard enough to make her hiss and arch her back away from him. He took the opportunity to flip their position, his lips seeking out her neck. 

His tongue swirled, tasted her - the sounds in her throat encouraging him to explore a little more, his finger tips barely touching the length of her torso and the outside curve of her breast. He nipped her chin, his index sliding under the elastic of her panties and he pulled them down over her knees, she kicked out her legs impatiently to shimmy them off, dragging out a chuckle from him. 

"You're still far too dressed for this activity," her hips pressed against his, his forehead leaned against the crook of her neck and he groaned. her center was hot and his cock twitched in anticipation. Shepard's hand slid over his ass, grabbing the flesh eagerly and pressed him into her, moaning at the spark of pleasure. She tugged at the shorts, the material complying slowly as she eagerly touched the expanse of skin. 

Once the undergarment fell off his ankles, Shepard spread her legs under him as he re-positioned himself, their eyes met - Kaidan leaned into her and rubbed his nose against hers before meeting her lips in a tender kiss. Their tongues slid against each other, she sucked his lower lip as he pushed his hips forward, the tip of his shaft pressing against her slick entrance. Kaidan could feel his heart thundering under his rib cage - how many nights had he imagined this very moment? 

Too many. 

Shepard's legs wrapped around his hips, calves pressing hard against the muscles of his ass to bring him into her. She hissed with pleasure as he entered her, her fingers digging into his shoulders. He filled her slowly, trying to remember the very sensation but Shepard wouldn't stand for it. 

She whimpered his name, her nails scrapping down his back to make his arch into her faster - he groaned when both her hands stopped down on his ass, and she squeezed him hard. She wiggled her hips under him, he bit his lower lip trying to control himself but she was making it really difficult. She rocked her hips once, twice before his eyes snapped open, the flicker of biotics sparked on his skin and she shivered, pleasure coursing through her. 

"Shepard-" his voice was strained, she rocked again, forcing him to move inside her and it was finally too much. His hands grabbed her hips, his nails making half moons into the flesh, she gasped and moaned his name as he pulled out and rammed into her once, both of them gasping at the sensation. 

She felt the tickle of dark energy swirling, his careful control tested as she rolled her hips again - she couldn't look away, his hips pumped her hot core slow at first, filling her to the hilt, but then she closed her lips around his lobe, whispering to him. 

"You're beautiful, all blue like that." 

He lost control, his hips setting a hard tempo and his mouth twisted back at the sensation of Shepard wrapped around him, inside of her. Her muscles squeezed around him, sweat quickly built between their bellies, the slap of flesh mixed with their moans and cramping muscles of their legs as he sought her pleasure, keeping his barely in check. 

Her back arched, her lips pulled back in a hiss when one arm slid under her lower back, changing the angle he entered her. 

"Oh shi-" he swallowed her voice with a demanding kiss, his hips moving hard and he felt her tense, her toes curling behind his thighs, pushing him in deeper. Her walls clamped down, her moaned turned into a sharp squeal of pleasure dragging him over the edge with her. With a muffled groaned he came, hard, curling into her, his hand sliding from her hip to her ass as he grabbed the flesh to keep her still, he was sure there would be a bruise shaped like his fingers there later. 

Both were tense with pleasure for a second or two before Kaidan collapsed, boneless. Shepard purred under him, breaths heaving from her chest before he rolled off of her, dragging her with him so she could rest her cheek on his chest. 

"Wow," she huffed, grinning as he looked down at her, her smile infectious. 

"Wow is right," he replied before kissing her. He let his head fall back on the pillow - taking a deep breath to calm himself, they both fell into a comfortable silence, their brains catching up to their hormones. Shepard reached down and pulled the blankets over them, her head tucked under his chin as he wrapped his arms around her, she sighed contently. Shepard wasn’t far behind as Kaidan drifted to sleep, wondering what this all really meant in the end. 


	33. XXXII. Insanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Citadel

The level of insanity Saren was demonstrating was hitting a chord inside her; he wasn't entirely wrong but his methods were completely off. Somewhere along the line, the SPECTRE had lost track of his goal, consumed with indoctrination. Maybe at some point the Turian had wanted to take down the threat from the inside but he didn't anticipate the magnitude of the ancient machines and their infinite power. 

How do you fight something that can enslave you without your knowledge? 

Virgil, the VI on Illos, had cleared up a lot of the mystery, as to whom Sovereign truly was - what the purpose of the Reapers was and what had happened to the Protheans. It was entirely _horrifying_. But in the end, Shepard came to the conclusion on Virmire and on Illos that the Reapers were just machines, and machines could be _broken_. 

‘Just like the Mako,’ Shepard thought as she crawled out of it, wincing at the pain on her side. Using the Prothean made relay that linked to god knows where had been a pretty crazy gamble. She stood up and looked up towards the Citadel Chambers, Saren being only a few minutes ahead. Kaidan crawled out next, Tali behind him as she swore up a quarian storm. The commander checked everyone's seals and injuries before moving up towards the elevator, her mind finally grasping her surroundings. 

The Citadel was on _fire_. She could see the geth crawling amongst the husks, bodies littered the walkways of the once peaceful presidium. She eyed the relay that was literally sitting in the middle of a lake and felt the urge to laugh. 

This was completely crazy. 

Ash's words came back to her, her subtle observation that the Citadel almost wanted to keep you in a lull, a false sense of security and now, Shepard understood. Was the Citadel a Reaper invention and not a Prothean one? 

She shook her head, that was a Liara-type of question and she was sure the alien would argue with her until she was blu- uh... purple? _How does that saying work on asari?_ Regardless, until she was some sort of colour in the face that relays were Prothean in origin. 

“Check your weapons, I don’t want any nasty surprises if we get caught in a fire fight.” 

She eyed the tower ahead, the lights of the elevator going up, she could feel the end nearing but for whom exactly, she wasn’t entirely sure. 

“We’re all in the clear, Shepard.” Kaidan touched her lower back in support; she looked over her shoulder and gave him a soft smile before nodding, and gathering her courage to do what had to be done. 

“Let’s go, then.” 

With her squad in tow, she headed towards the Council chambers but there was something familiar ahead that made her slow down and draw her weapons. 

“Dragons Teeth, ma’am” her lieutenant whispered, she could see the spike retracting as it dropped the newly formed husk to the ground, its staggered state of awakening was an advantage she couldn’t pass up. 

“Go!” she disappeared under her cloak, the infiltrator slipped past the debris and reached her first target. She pulled out her combat knife and struck the husk precisely in vitals she knew would disable it and moved on to the next without waiting for the body to hit the floor. Kaidan and Tali made quick work of the geth, shorting them out with Overloads and biotics as they descended on them; her team was gelling well. 

“He’s not taking any chances, is he, Shepard?” Tali’s question made her want to laugh. 

“No, he’s making sure he wins but he doesn’t realise how stubborn I am.” 

“That you are, commander.” 

She grinned at Kaidan, the team embarking on the elevator. As the door closed and the lift set in motion, Shepard turned to her squad and began to plan out their attack; they had to stop Saren from accessing the Citadel controls and allowing Sovereign to signal the other Reapers to come. If they played their cards right, they could _avoid_ them a little while longer and form a better plan of defence against these things. 

Avoiding was pretty much all they could do at this point, Shepard wasn’t convinced this was going to stop anything, maybe delay it... but not stop them, from her conversation with the Reaper Scout and Virgil. 

They were coming, either way. 

The elevator staggered to a halt, knocking the team off their feet. Shepard cursed at the turian before sealing her helmet and motioning to Kaidan to do the same. She kicked out the glass and felt the snap of her mag boots brace her against the rushing air leaving their space. She paused a moment, her hand reaching out for Kaidan’s who stopped, surprised. 

She pulled his helmet to hers, her fingers gripping the seals tightly, spacewalks made her nervous and she just needed a moment to realign herself. Kaidan’s hands covered her own, squeezing them in comfort before tapping their helmets together. She opened her eyes, catching his gaze and she could see something in his eyes she wasn’t ready to accept yet. 

“Did I ever tell you I hate space walks?” She quipped, letting go of his helmet as her eyes set on their target but she was troubled to see Sovereign already inside the citadel, his robotic tentacles wrapped around the council chambers as it waited for Saren to initiate the signal. 

“Maker...” She quickly calculated the time it would take them to make it up there, it was going to be tight. “Kaidan, find us a path through the keeper tunnels that can get us the quickest way possible up there and see why the defence systems on the tower aren’t firing. Maybe we can fix them along the way to help out the ships attacking.” 

“Aye, aye.” 

The team began to move up the wall, watching nervously as the battle above them escalated into a full on war. Sovereign was destroying them; she had to figure out how to get his shield down. 

“There’s a path near here we can take, Shepard.” She noticed the hatch, nodding as they reached it in no time, grateful that Kaidan had taken the time to learn all her tricks to improve his own – hell, she would almost admit that he was better than she was at the skill but she’d never say it out loud. 

As they slipped into the hole, Shepard realised they were still in zero gravity, she tapped her helmet to get Kaidan’s attention, she could hear the geth’s metallic chirping. 

“We’re still in zee gee, we’ll make quick work of the geth and keep our energy. Tali, you overload them, I’ll snipe their ankles and Kaidan, you pull them out off their feet. If I do it right their feet will stay on the ground but they’ll just float off.” 

Her plan had been flawless, the bright silver of Tali’s overload, two quick shots of her Widow and Kaidan’s brilliant flare to pull them off their feet was almost beautifully executed. Until the Primes came, that is. That was a bit chaotic but they somehow managed to get those floating off the ground as well. 

Adrenaline rushing through her blood, they reach the outside walls of the chambers, her mag boots still clinging to the surface. She felt disoriented with the space ships around them, seemingly at the wrong angle. She pointed to the guns and noted the swarms of geth. 

“Well, that explains why nothing is working right.” She pursed her lips, someone was going to have to fix the controls while they took care of the geth. 

“Tali, you’re on fixing duty – Kaidan I need you to overload, I’ll snipe, and you pull like before.” His grin was almost infectious. Tali disappeared, sneaking around to the guns as they cleared the path for her, one by one the guns came online and aimed at the Reaper. 

“Commander,” Joker’s voice sounded over her communicator. “We need his shields down, the Destiny Ascension’s in a critical situation, we could lose the council if this keeps up.” 

“Let me get to Saren, I’ll see if I can get the shields.” She took in a deep breath as they made their way to the last hatch that gave them access to the chambers. The team dropped down, gravity finally normal and they ran towards the meeting chamber. As Shepard climbed the stairs, Saren turned towards her, his blue metallic eyes met hers and a chill went down her spine. 

“Shepard,” there was a strange buzz in her ears, her pistol drawn and aimed at him but her vision seemed to fluctuate in the dark tendrils of fog that surrounded them. Her jaw set, determined to accomplish the mission no matter what. 

“ _Welcome_ to the final stage of evolution” 


	34. XXXIII. Hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Shore Leave, Unknown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mature situation

The image of Saren pressing the gun to his temple haunted her still, it was the first time she’d talked someone into taking their own life, and not that it did anything. Sovereign had husked the turian and nearly had them killed in that surreal battle. She rolled over onto her good shoulder; the sheets still wrapped around her torso and leaned her cheek onto Kaidan’s chest, her index finger making soft circles into the slight hair there. 

She felt him stir under her, her eyes fluttering shut as she listened to his heart beat. She had almost kicked the bucket when Sovereigns shields went down and the combined efforts of the armada blew it up. The Alliance had taken a hit with her decision to save that useless council but she couldn’t allow complete disarray once the dust had settled. The only sure way out of chaos was familiarity and humans were already on a lot of people’s shit list. 

Last thing humanity needed was Shepard deciding to off the council. The plan had work though, despite the losses. Saren was dead and Sovereign’s plan never left the ground. The Reapers were still idle in dark space for a while longer. 

But still, if it took that many people to take down one Reaper... how were they going to handle thousands of them? And if that one was just a scout... Scouts were smaller than the real thing. Worry twisted at her gut. 

“Stop that,” she heard Kaidan’s sleepy rumble and she looked up, almost sheepishly. His hand grabbed hers to still her tapping. She hadn’t noticed her soft caress had turned into an irritated thrum of fingers. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” 

“It’s ok,” he opened one eye, grumbling at the light before pulling her up closer to his face and kissed her tenderly, “What has the Hero of the Citadel so restless?” 

She bit her lip, not sure what to say, she knew he meant it as a jest but she didn’t feel like a hero. “I’m no hero, Kaidan. I’m just a messed up kid with a horseshoe up her ass.” 

Kaidan’s brows rose in surprise, “And what makes you think that?” 

“I’ve made a lot of decisions in my life...” she trailed off, her eyes far away in a memory – her family’s sacrifice, Akuze, Virmire and now... Saren. In the end he hadn’t even been really _evil_. Just consumed with an idea that looked good on paper but once you really applied it to the entire galaxy, it was crazy as fuck. 

The idea of a final evolution, the mixture of synthetic and organic as one seemed like a complete debauchery of what life was all about. Saren had definitely lost track of his original goal and idea. 

“Shepard, I think the difference between a hero and a selfish ideal is the final goal.” She stilled her movements, listening to him – his fingers rubbed her head gently, he had a strange addiction to the velvety feel of it. “I mean, what was the main goal when you were in that situation in Mindoir?” 

“Survive at any cost,” she whispered, her gaze refusing to meet his. She wasn’t ashamed of her decision but it didn’t incite pride in her. His arms brought her closer, tucking her head under his chin. 

“And Akuze?” 

“Survival, and kill the Maw.” 

“Virmire?” His voice dropped an octave, both of them were still hurting over Williams. 

“You, Ash and the mission.” 

There was a silence between them, the words still wrapping themselves around her tongue. The goal had shifted slightly from her previous fuck ups but she wasn’t sure if that had been better or worst. The choice was still very selfish. 

“Now, with Saren and Sovereign, who were you trying to save?” 

Shepard mulled over it for a moment, realising that it was still a selfish thought but it wasn’t just herself she was trying to save or just Kaidan. She had _everyone_ in mind. 

“The Galaxy,” she whispered, the truth finally clicking. 

“See? You _are_ a hero.” He hugged her close, his eyes drifting shut as he contemplated another hour of sleep – they were on shore leave after all. 

“When did you get so smart, Alenko?” She mumbled sleepily, her hand slipping down his chest and over his navel. He let a lazy grin out before answering her, his loins stirring. 

“I’m always smart, ma’am, I just let you _think_ you were smarter.” 

Shepard laughed, “Survival of the fittest, huh?” his own chuckle mixed with hers before she sat up a little to look at his face, she leaned down to kiss his lips. Her eyebrow arched when she felt a certain part of him stiffen in response. She slipped her thigh over his hips, sitting up on him, the sheet falling down around her hips to let him see her breasts swaying slightly with her movements as she settled over him, her own sex ready to take him. 

He gripped her hips before she reached between them and took his shaft in her hands, hardening him even more. “You know, I was meaning to ask you something,” she pressed the tip to her warm entrance, eyeing him. 

“Are you going to ask me things like this all the time?” 

“Maybe, depends on the results,” she grinned and began her slow ascent onto his erection. Kaidan groaned, watching himself entering her. 

“What’s uh, the question?” 

“There’s this space station I want to visit while we’re on shore leave,” she stopped moving once he was entirely inside her, he blinked, the sensation of her surrounding him made him a little bit scatterbrained. 

“A space station?” 

“Yeah, Pinnacle – I hear they have some sort of fighting simulators, the best of the best go there to compete and I want to go. I hear the reward is pretty amazing.” 

He chuckled as she rolled her hips, her brow arched mischievously. “Only you would want to go weapons training on shore leave,” he groaned again when her hands pressed against his chest, nails digging into the flesh. 

“So that’s a yes?” Another roll of her hips. 

“Yes, only if I get half-“ She squeezed her walls around his shaft to interrupt him, he bit his lower lip with need. She smirked, leaning forward, her lips brushing against his and slid herself slowly up his shaft. 

“Anything of mine, is yours,” she whispered, Kaidan pulled her down, his hips angling up to slide himself completely in and rolled her over. The last thing he remembered was the sound of her voice as he buried himself into her over and over. 


	35. XXXIV. Dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Alchera, Space

Her fist struck through the glass, the escape pod locking with Joker's horrified expression imprinted in the small window - his eyes didn't leave hers until she couldn't see him anymore. His lips were still moving, she could see his tears as he pounded on the door. 

She was _fucked_. This wasn't part of the plan - fucking _Joker_ and his maker-be-damned obsession with the ship. She had said to abandon ship; she had told him to get his crippled ass onto his pod but _no_. 

_"I can still save her!"_

That insubordinate _asshole_! Bitter tears sprung to her eyes as she looked at her surroundings, the corpse of the Normandy hung limply, the metal scraping together in a wail, pockets of oxygen burst into flames only to be extinguished immediately by the cold dark hand of space. Her body twisted as she tried to stop her slow spiral into hell. 

She stopped her struggle for a mere moment, her gaze on the bright blue planet above her, the survivors were going to crash on Alchera - nothing but ice and snow. It was beautiful. 

_Hope you brought that sweater your mom made, Kaidan._

__

She let herself float, hot tears flowed down her cheeks - she wasn't ready. She hadn't accomplished all that she wanted. She wanted another night with him, entwined in his strong arms - another kiss. She wanted to hear his laughter for a few more years. She wanted to see what his lips looked like when they finally told each other what they were afraid to admit. 

They'd just found each other and now... She screamed, her fists clenching in frustration. 

_At least... he got off the ship - at least he's safe_ . 

_"Shepard?"_

Kaidan's voice flooded her helmet - she tried to click on her communicator but the stark realisation that it'd been knocked offline in the explosion that threw her from the wreckage hit her like a ton of bricks. 

"Kaidan?" she whispered into the broken comm, her voice wavering - her fears wide open to the universe. 

_"Shepard, can... me?"_

She closed her eyes, the hollow sound of space surrounded her, she frowned when a chill crawled up her spine and her suit's alarm went off. Through her eyelids she could see the bright red lights of her HUD flashing - she peeked through one eye, already certain of the problem. 

Her oxygen levels were dropping fast. 

This was it. She reached behind her head, she could hear it now, the soft hiss of her air escaping. Panic set itself on fire in her blood, she let out a heavy sob, anger coursed through her and she gritted her teeth. 

No! 

She wasn't _ready_. 

_"Shepard?"_ Kaidan's broken voice crackled one last time across her helmet, she glared at the vast empty space around her and kicked her arms and legs, thrashing as her life slipped away. For the first time, the stars scared her - the weightless feeling of space horrified her. 

Darkness edged her vision, she screamed again, coughing, gasping for every breath, her fingers grasping at the leak she couldn't reach - _fuck_. 

She had too many regrets to leave now, too many promises to fulfill - _she hadn't told him yet_. 

No, _no!_ Don't let it _end_ like this. 

Her eyes blinked at the bright light before her, her arms fell limply as the planet's gravity pulled her towards the setting sun on the horizon, she gasped once more, the tightness in her chest became unbearable but there was no air to breathe - she felt her heart beat slow, her limbs grew colder by the second and for the first time in her life, she lost a battle. Her tears froze on her skin and her mouth twisted in a permanent rage when her environmental controls completely gave in to the subzero temperatures of space. 

_"Shepard? Please... please answer me. Don't... don't do this... please."_


	36. XXXV. Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Mindoir

She'd left him everything she owned. 

The apartment she won on Pinnacle, the land on Mindoir where her parents had died - all her credits and everything she'd touched was now in his possession. 

He didn't want any of it. He only wanted Shepard, he wanted her laughter, her smiles. He wanted to feel her vibrancy under his touch. He wanted to watch her six where ever she was, where ever you went when you died. 

She'd left him behind and he was _broken_. 

He pulled over, the GPS bleeping softly as he arrived at the farmland she allocated him, his hands grasped the wheel of the hover car, his jaw flexing in protest as he clenched his teeth. 

Had it only been a month? 

He rubbed at the center of his chest - he felt void of life, void of want. He ached, the emotion raw and tired. He reached behind the seat and grabbed the package waiting for him there. 

They hadn't found her body. There was nothing to bury, nothing for him to mourn over. His lips twisted down, he reached up and pulled out his amp, just in case... he had another breakdown like that one on Alchera once they found Joker. 

Alone. 

_"She didn't make it, Kaidan - I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."_

He swallowed, the pain swelling again. He flexed his hand - it still hurt but the bone had mended. He took in a deep breath and pushed the door open and stepped outside. 

He squint his eyes, the bright sun blinding him for a moment - he stared out ahead of him. He could see the large cornfield flourishing under the beautiful weather. The large farmhouse was rebuilt, he eyed it critically, wondering if it was to spec from her childhood - not that he'd ever know. 

She was supposed to bring him here when she was ready to face her past once more - they'd spoke about it, here and there when she was finally confiding herself in him. Her secrets, her fears - the woman under the Commander. He was the only one that knew that side of her and he would greedily hang on to it for the rest of his long life. 

He rubbed his thumb across the paper in his hands, looking down at the flowers between his hands. 

_"What's your favourite flower?"_

__

_"Planning on sweeping me off my feet, Lieutenant?"_

__

_"I think I just did that, an hour ago."_

__

_"Funny."_

__

_"I try... but seriously, tell me." he nudged her, his fingers trailing the taut muscle of her bare belly - her lazy grin warming his loins._

__

_"The Freesia," she tells him between kisses, and he loses himself in her once more._

Kaidan looked up towards the sky, clutching the flowers and small pack of bulbs he would plant back in their apartment but for today... he approached the empty home filled with shadows of a life he’d never know and laid them at the door of her farmhouse. He spread his palm flat against the door and wept. 


	37. XXXVI. Creation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2183 CE - Lazarus Station

Death was a limitation to life, a hard line that couldn't be crossed after the heart had stopped and brain activity had ceased. It was nature's way to tell the tired body that it was time to let go of their worldly needs and to ascend to a more spiritual plane. 

She didn't _believe_ that. 

The sharp click of her heels echoed down the hall, the soft swoosh of her lab coat was swallowed by the confident steps - Miranda Lawson did not believe in the limitations of nature when she _herself_ was the product of what the best of science could offer. She was perfection in every sense of the word, right down to her biotics. 

She turned off the main hallway into the medical clean room, where her current project laid unmoving, frozen still inside the barrier that kept her bodily functions from deteriorating any further. The only positive aspect of being spaced was the instantaneous freezing; Shepard had barely died before her entire corpse froze solid. 

Lawson pursed her lips, lists of things to do forming inside her mind as she let a gloved hand run the length of the metal table the body of humanity's last hope laid suspended in death. With enough resources, anything could be achieved; even convincing loyal friends to turn over your corpse to an organization you hated to bring you back to life. 

She eyed the charred flesh, the raw bone exposed within the ice. She could do this, miracles didn't exist in this time and age, only the miracle of credits and how many you needed to accomplish the impossible. She crossed her arms, her team of scientist filtering by as they entered the room, preparing to accomplish the work of god. 

As her gloved hand trailed the edge of the container, she leaned forward onto her palms, a confident smirk spread across her lips. The frozen lump of flesh was waiting to be sculpted back to life under her touch. 

"Let's get started, time is ticking and the galaxy can’t wait for much longer." 


	38. XXXVII. Standing Still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2184 CE - Intai'sei

_"Up, around the tree trunk and into the rabbit hole." she whispered as her lips pulled back into a teasing smirk before her mouth met his in a chaste kiss - her fingers grasped the knot of his tie and she straightened it before stepping back to see her handy work._

_"You clean up nice, lieutenant."_

Kaidan's fingers flexed before slipping the tie around his neck, flicking up the edge of his collar to allow him to align the ends. Her voice rang across his memory - he remembered the first time she'd done this for him, her slim fingers going through the motions he now followed himself - over, down, across, up, through, tighten, straightening the knot against his throat. He remembered how her nimble fingers would follow the crisp sharp lines of his dress shirt to smooth out any wrinkles and then quickly undo her handy work.

They were always late to everything because of it.

He pushed the memory aside, quickly checking himself over once more but his reflection in the mirror showed a hollow shell of himself; he looked... tired. Empty.  
  
 _What are you doing?_  
  
He leaned forward on the palm of his hands on the edge of the bathroom sink; his shoulder slumped under the invisible weight of grief _. It's been over a year already, Alenko, you're allowed to do this._ He straightened again, brow furrowed in determination - he needed to pick himself off the floor, the dust of death was suffocating.

_Shepard is dead._

She wouldn't want him to wallow in self pity and grief - he had to move forward - he had to let go in order to grow. His index flicked through his hair, the gel sticky and awkward from lack of use. His wide hand brushed against his jaw to test the stubble but it slowed, remembering her fingers slipping against his skin.

She loved his stubble, always rubbed her cheek against it after they made love... her eyes always wandered on the cleft of his chin, her favourite pastime involved nibbling the dip. He squeezed his eyes shut.

_Stop it._

He stepped back from the sink, ignoring the ghostly apparition of their entwined bodies in the shower, her back slick against the tile as water cascaded down his back. Her nails had left a scar on his right shoulder; claiming him as hers and hers alone.

He flicked off the light and closed the door behind him.

He took in a deep breath, his eyes sweeping the living room - it was sterile, devoid of warmth since Shepard had been the only thing to breathe in life when they stayed here. The large open windows staring out onto the planet used to inspire him, but now he could only see their naked forms pressed against the glass, her voice breaking as she came with him between her legs.

He turned towards the bedroom, he still had to put socks on - he felt mechanical.

Kaidan grasped the handle of their door... no, _his_ door. _Shepard was dead_. Gone. He shook his head at the mistake he made, stepping into the room as he flicked on the light. He ignored the bed, the twisted sheets were still in the same position from their last night together.

The couch was comfortable enough - he pushed a button, opening the drawer, careful not to move her things from their last placement. He could still smell the laundry soap she used. His fingers dug around his side, looking for a matching pair of socks but it was proving to be difficult.

Why couldn't he stop staring at the red lace bra?

He should throw out her things.

Shepard is dead, it wasn't healthy to keep everything. He needed to make the bed, this was silly. He turned with purpose and marched himself over to their- no, _his_ bed. He reached down, his fingertips ready to grasp the memories and wipe them away but he froze.

He could still see the dent her head had made into the pillow, the way her foot had laid on the duvet when she stuffed the blanket between her legs to sleep. He could still hear her ghost breathing, laughing. Moaning his name - the sweet way she whispered his name in the darkness.

He could still feel her touch against his skin and he dropped to his knees - his face folding itself into the duvet and he breathed her in, trying to capture her scent that had long since disappeared. _Vanilla, gun oil and military issue soap_ his memory searched for it in the depth of his mind.

[Art by theenkindler](theenkindler.tumblr.com)

_"Kaidan, you know..."_ Her last conversation in this room, echoes of a past he didn't dare disturb - he let her memory invade his grief, _"You're everything I need."_ The feel of her lips against his, her thighs around his waist - her nails scraping down his back as she arched under him one last time before their new assignment.

He pushed away from the bed, eyes burning suddenly and he needed to get control again. He yanked opened another drawer, free of any reminder and found the sock - quickly exited the room and shut the door with a harsh pull, determined to lock her away.

_Stop it, Shepard._

He sat at the kitchen table, leaning back against the chair to gather his thoughts.  
  
Could he do this? Could he really just let go of what they were, who they had become? Could he honestly look at himself in the eyes and say - _Yes, Shepard is just a memory_.  
  
Could he kiss another woman with all the fiery passion he had bestowed on Shepard? Could he make love to another woman with every fibre of his being like he did with Shepard?  
  
No. _No_. He couldn't, and that wasn't fair to her, to him or to Shepard.

He leaned down and wiggled his toes, ignoring the ghost that laughed whenever he did that, ignoring the poke at them. Shepard always thought they looked funny - she hated feet but she didn't mind his.

_Enough. Just put the damned socks on, Alenko._

He pulled them up high and adjusted the leg of his pants; he pressed his palms against the table top, listening to the shadows of the room. He leaned forward, his forehead touching down on the back of his hands and closed his eyes.

Too many ghosts, too many memories.

He sensed her in the room again, her arm draped across his shoulder, her giggle like a drug he couldn't get enough of as his memories filled in the gaps - her remembered the feel of her warm lips at the base of his neck and the way she tenderly kissed around his amp, he could recall the feel of her breath against his ear when she whispered sweet nothings to bring him closer to the edge.

He stood up suddenly, the chair toppling over in his haste as he headed towards the door to his waiting shuttle. He looked back for a moment as the bright orange sun set in the distance of the oversized windows and he wondered if time would always keep him standing still in his grief.

He flicked off the lights, kissed her ghost goodbye and locked the door - keeping the past close to his heart as he made his way to the citadel to tell a doctor he couldn't meet her anymore.


	39. XXXVIII. Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Lazarus Space Station

Her feet hit the ground hard, a cloud of dust puffed up in front of her and she looked around, confusion evident as the large luscious gold of wheat surrounded her. She grabbed for her weapons, but found they were gone. A small dribble of worry panged in the back of her mind, but it was soon forgotten. She stepped forward, squint her eyes against the light, while she moved silently through the maze towards a single point on the horizon. There, bare between the rows of wheat and corn, her family farmhouse stood vacant, but the lights were on. Warily, she approached it; the sky, now in purple hues of twilight, welcomed her onto the porch with its wide entrance and the familiar creaking planks of wood under her feet. 

She looked around, the place was desolate, empty – she wondered where all the people had gone. Before she could question it even more, her thoughts slid away like oil on water. She couldn’t remember how she got here, but it didn’t matter. It was peaceful. She found the old rickety rocking chair up on the edge of the porch, rocking in the wind. She sat in it, her eyes up to the stars, and a feeling of longing tightly wound itself around her spine, but it disappeared as she leaned back and rocked herself into a lull. 

She’d forgotten about her armour, now disintegrating with every rocking motion, the silence drifting along with the wind was unusual, but not alarming, and she welcomed it with open arms. Her memory struggled to remind her she wasn’t supposed to be here by touching on dribbles of violence she couldn’t place anymore, so she let herself forget. 

Over time she noticed the horizon turning grey, cracks appeared on the edges of the field while she rocked herself, but she ignored it, content to feel the warmth of the rising sun on her face as the soft wind blew carefully through her long black locks of hair. She twisted a strand, her gaze noticing a shape on the horizon where she had just come from, not long ago. Well, it felt like it was not long ago – the days were slowly just melding into one. 

There, a woman with bright red hair appeared, silently watching Shepard from the edge of the greyed out wheat stock. The old warrior watched her in return, but the young woman only pointed towards the darkness, away from the light of the farmhouse. She only shook her head in response to the other woman – she wasn’t going back there. 

As the days turned, the peace surrounding Shepard began to feel unsettled. Her fingers twitched, itching to move; she began to feel restless in her home. The redheaded woman kept returning, pointing at the sky now devoid of the bright beautiful colours. Shepard still shook her head; no she wasn’t going to return there, where the world was nothing more than chaos. 

Time continued to slip… and soon the grey had eaten up the fields that surrounded her. Cracks opened in the earth and Shepard frowned. This time the redheaded woman appeared closer with another, one with dark hair in a bun and dark familiar eyes. She frowned, her chest suddenly aching. There was a pull and the illusion around her crumbled, the light disappearing and the warmth of the sun became blistering cold. 

She shivered, wrapping her arms around herself, but there was a deep-seeded cold right down to her bones she couldn’t shake off. 

The woman with dark hair looked at her, a comforting smile. Her lips were moving, but no sounds were heard. Panicked, Shepard retreated into the home, only to see another pair of whiskey coloured eyes. The man’s fingers reaching out for her, tears flowing freely from his eyes. She froze, noticing that she herself was reaching out for him. The smallest pang of regret flooded her and she could almost place a name to him, but it was constantly escaping her. 

She couldn’t remember anything. 

There was a loud crack, her gaze leaving that of the man’s and meeting the floor. The colour was gone and the floor disintegrated from under her. There was a warm hand that caught her as she fell down into the empty darkness, the hissing sound of her helmet deafening, her gasps of air flooding her ears and the endless depth of space swallowed her. 

Fear ignited itself in her blood, the rush of her memories crashing inside her head – her death, her lover, her mission. 

She looked up from her hand, the woman with the dark hair only smiled, but before Shepard could say anything, Ashley let go and she was hurled through the vast expanse of stars once more, her momentum only gaining each second. 

_Wake up, Skipper._

Shepard’s eyes fluttered open, the blaring of warning klaxons disorienting at first. The light was far too bright; her eyes ached as though they’d been in the dark for far too long. As she sat up, a disembodied voice crackled through a comm. 

“Shepard, wake up. This facility is under attack.” 

“I’m up, I’m up,” she grumbled as her hand pressed against her jaw to pull at the bone, trying to settle a weird cramp, but there was no familiar snap of the joint. She sat up, rubbing her head in a sleepy manner that was far too slow for the voice. 

She frowned, her fingers twisting a short strand of hair that shouldn’t be there. 

“ _Commander._ ” 

This time the voice was far more urgent and she obeyed, throwing her legs over the edge, but there was something off. All her muscles screamed at once, the ache almost debilitating and she clutched her belly, keeping the bile from spilling past her lips. 

“Shit, where...” She looked around, her body aching, muscles weak as though they had never suffered through vigorous training. Her eyes hurt, a headache instantly forming behind the eyes. 

This wasn’t the Normandy. 

She hopped off the metal slab she’d unknowingly been resting on for the past two years – the Johnny shirt barely covering her bare ass as she made her way to the few lockers in the room. The colours were off, yellow and black draped everything against the too bright white of the clinical room. 

_No, the Normandy_ – her brain fired off images of her last moments, the ship’s limp and lifeless corpse above Alchera, the endless spinning stars as the oxygen escaped. She frowned as she put on the few clothes available, pulled out a gun with an empty clip and murmured to herself that she was _'up shit's creek without a paddle if there was no heat sinks.'_

“There are some available refills by the door – hurry.” 

Shepard looked up towards the ceiling, still feeling dizzy and nauseated as she tried to push her body, it wasn’t responding right. She was sluggish and heavy. She was having trouble adjusting as though this was an entirely new body. 

_How long had she been sleeping?_

The doors slid open and she stepped through, noticing a clip on the ground – she loaded the gun and continued to follow the orders from the voice, trusting it was trying to help her and not throw her in the Lion's den. She entered the next room and, within seconds, mechs poured in through the door. She ducked into cover, aimed and fired. 

The recoil shook through her arms, she grunted in pain as gun misfired once and she adjusted. Her lips pulled back in a snarl. _What the fuck happened to me?_ She pushed past the corpses of mechs and scientists – she could hear the woman still talking to her, passing rooms she noticed medical charts on the walls, pictures that were gruesome even to her. Her fingers lingered on the full hologram of a skeleton – but she ignored it, pushing past the empty desolated rooms, the smoked filled halls. 

How did she get here? Where was she? 

Gun shots up a head, the woman guiding her disappeared, leaving her to her own devices – that was okay, Shepard was used to everything going SNAFU, but still… why was her body so... foreign? Gun drawn, she popped the lock with her Omni-tool, frowning at the new interface. She wasn’t familiar with the technology, which unnerved her. 

Peeking through the doors, she notices a man shooting across the impasse as mechs pour out the door. He flares a brilliant blue and knocks them off into the void below. 

He turns, brows high with surprise when she ducks besides him and tackles the last few mechs. There was a moment’s reprieve, but it didn’t mean it was over. 

“Shepard? Shit, it must be a lot worse if they got you up and about,” he huffed, obviously relieved at the back up. She purses her lips, confused. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Damned, Shepard. I can’t believe they pulled it off – you were meat and tubes on slab when they got a hold of your body – two years of work to bring you back.” 

She blinked, her memory aligning with his words – Alchera floating above her darkening vision, the Normandy burning. Joker’s mouth twisted in grief as the escape pod escaped the corpse of the ship and Kaidan’s voice in her helmet, begging her to answer him as she listened to the air seep out of her helmet. 

As Jacob grinned, welcoming her back to the living, she couldn’t catch her breath. 

She was supposed to be _dead_. 


	40. XXXIX. No Way Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Unknown Space Station, Cerberus HQ

The holographic display of the Illusive Man faded out into darkness, the circle beneath her feet blinked once before the lights turned on and exposed her to the small room. Her hands leaned against her hips, lips pulled back into a snarl she couldn’t hold back any longer. 

_Fuck_ . 

All of her options seemed to be cut off – The Alliance thought her KIA with good reason, Udina was probably going to be a dead end. Her SPECTRE status was gone and her old crew disbanded. Her eyes narrowed, wondering if Alenko was really nowhere to be found – he wasn’t a god damned N7 or SPECTRE, and it shouldn’t be this hard to find him. 

No, the Illusive Man was keeping tight control on information to keep control of her and there was one thing Shepard hated the most, was being kept in the dark. She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose in thought, how was she going to get out of this? 

What was she supposed to do? 

Cerberus – _Maker damned Cerberus_ was her only viable option at this point and it wasn’t acceptable. She picked off her gloves and threw the pair across the room in frustration before crouching down, hands around her temple and elbows on her knees. She stared at the floor, her body felt foreign – the muscles still weak from lack of use. Her eyes hurt from the light and her maker damned skin felt loose. 

How was that even possible? 

She rubbed at her hair, expecting it to be short but she felt the longer strands twine around her index. The sudden realisation of time passing was almost too much – nausea threatened her, bile gurgled uncomfortably before she rose to her feet. She closed her eyes, centering herself but it wasn’t working. 

Everything was... off. Her world had tilted and the rug pulled from under her feet. 

_Just breathe, Shep._

She rubbed her forehead, her mind wandering over the earlier mission – Freedom’s Progress had only proven one thing to her – Cerberus wasn’t behind the kidnappings of the colonists after she saw that video pieced together by Veetor; the Collectors, as Miranda called them, were obviously the bigger threat at the moment and she needed to focus her attentions on that. 

It wasn’t the only thing that bothered her on the mission, Tali’s quick acceptance of her reappearance made her uncomfortable – had they been in opposite shoes, she’d been more than just suspicious. She’d have dismissed her friend entirely and probably shot her on sight. Especially if they’d been wearing Cerberus colours – she was a strong believer in shoot first, ask questions later. 

She flexed her hand, the white of the standard Cerberus space suit disgusted her – she needed her own gear, she needed a piece of her that wasn’t full of Cerberus tech and strings attached, her N7 gear back and gather up the pieces she could of her life. 

“Commander?” 

Shepard stiffened, the voice familiar but unfamiliar at the same time. It had aged from the last time she heard it. She turned slowly, her eyes adjusting to the incoming figure limping along the hall before entering the room. She raised her chin, eyes narrowing before Joker came into view. 

“Well, if it isn’t the vanguard of my destruction,” she quipped, looking straight at him as he paused his step, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. He noticed that there was no humour in her voice, no smile curling up the ends of her lips. She meant every word. 

“I... deserved that one,” he murmured, looking away from the woman who had been a source of guilt for years. He wasn’t sure how he felt about the whole thing – bringing someone back from the dead after suffocating in space and burning up in the atmo of a planet was impossible. It went against all the laws of nature. 

Then again, this was Cerberus – they went against nature on a daily basis. 

“What did they offer you so you’d turn tail on the Alliance, Flight Lieutenant?” She crossed her arms against her chest, her eyebrow raised in question. Joker felt her hard gaze and he gulped awkwardly, he knew this would be something she’d ask, he just... wasn’t expecting the hostility behind it. 

“Well, it’s not that simple to explain, Shepard,” he started as she moved towards him, he turned to fall into step with her and she watched him from the corner of her eyes. “After you died, the council back peddled on everything – denied the existence of Reapers, collectors and even declared you insane. It was awful. Alenko did his best to sway them but...” he shrugged. Shepard’s face remained impassive, listening to him. 

“When we returned to the Alliance after the rescue, they split up the crew – we were all re-assigned and I was put behind a desk. They took away my right to fly, my wings were gone and I was basically useless.” They climbed the steps, slowly as he continued to explain his justification in joining the terrorists. “When they pulled me out of the pod, I was pretty injured, 80% of my body was broken, I was in rehab for months and I wasn’t going to be able to even use crutches. I was _fucked_.” 

They turned towards the long hallway, heading out to the hangar. 

“Not long after I was grounded, I got an offer from Lawson. An option to have surgery to give me my mobility and a job that gave me wings to fly.” He looked at her, his brow furrowed in thought. Shepard shrugged, she could see his point. Had they taken everything away, and someone had offered to give it back with a little extra, she would have jumped to the chance. 

“But, Cerberus? Come on, Joker...” she sighed, disappointment apparent. He cringed. 

“Yeah, I know. I didn’t realise it at first. Only after the surgery did it finally sink in that the station I was in was a Cerberus medical facility – I was in too deep by then to back out, there was no way out. And then there were the rumours about you.” 

“Me?” Another flight of stairs came into view, “What about me?” 

“They had your body, and they were going to revive you because they needed you back to deal with the Reapers.” 

“Anyone can deal with the Reapers, Joker –“ she started but he shook his head, his hand landing on her arm to stop her climb on the stairs. He caught her confused gaze and he took a deep breath. 

“You don’t understand, Shepard, what you actually represent,” he let go of her arm, pulling at the brim of his hat to bring it back and scratch his forehead. He removed his hat and thumbed it, still trying to figure out the words. “This type of mission is basically impossible. The Omega-4 Relay... the Collectors – finding the missing colonists from all over the Terminus System... only you can pull off a crazy stunt like that.” 

Shepard frowned, considering his words. By the sound of things, Joker didn’t think they’d live through it. 

“I don’t know, Joker - I don’t even think I’m... _real_.” She pushed past him and reached the top of the stairs, her gaze landing on the large bay windows staring out into the darkness. She squinted as Joker caught up to her, his brow furrowed after her last words. 

“You’re real, Shepard.” 

“Am I? If I was really dead and not in a coma, or in some sort of cryo sleep – how did they bring me back to life without major brain damage. The body can’t survive that long without air and I remember...” she trailed off, the memory still poignant, her lungs unable to expand as the memory of suffocating coursed adrenaline through her veins, she tried to push it back down, “I remember how I died.” 

“I’m-“ 

“Don’t. I’m not ready to forgive you yet for disobeying me, for putting yourself in danger over a shitty ship.” She stared out, the lights turning on one by one. She blinked as a familiar form came into view. Joker’s feet shuffled silently as he crossed his arms, chewing over her words. 

“They told me about this last night,” he spoke somberly – the excitement of the surprise had a heavy weight attached to it and he wasn’t sure just how Shepard would react. 

Her lips pressed together in anger as the Normandy glinted proudly, her hull fresh and larger. Shepard narrowed her eyes and clenched her fists. _What in the actual fuck_ was the Illusive Man planning? 

“What is this?” she ground out between her clenched teeth, Joker quickly glanced at his commanding officer, his pleasure at the new ship was overshadowed by Shepard’s obvious displeasure. 

“The Normandy SR-2, Commander, they rebuilt her – just for you.” 


	41. XL. Illusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Normandy SR2

None of it was real, she reminded herself as her fingers glided against the wall of the new Normandy - it was too bright, too _pretty_. The colours were all wrong. It all felt fake, some illusion on display to make her comfortable, to make her forget who she was truly working for. To put her at ease but she _knew_ better. 

Didn't she? 

She wasn't sure - her fingertips trailed the scar down her cheek, the ache had subsided but she could still see the red glow when she pulled away her hand. 

Was she even real? 

Was _she_ the illusion in all this immense fuckery? 

She folded her hands at the small of her back, eyeing the gold and black logo on the CIC. There was something odd about the ship - it felt... slippery. It just looked like the Normandy but it was hollow, it lacked _heart_. She shook her head, slowly making her way around the Galaxy map, brows furrowed as it flickered from a mock-up of the new Normandy to the stars she was familiar with from two years ago. 

_Two years._

She still had trouble understanding how that was even possible. She made her way up towards the navigation, Joker sensing her approach, turned the chair around with a smirk across his face. 

She narrowed her eyes, lips pressed in a tight line. 

"Commander! Did you see this? These are _real_ leather!" his hand roughly petted the seat affectionately; she curled her lips back in disgust. 

"This isn't the real _Normandy_ , Joker - don't buy into this shitty attempt to make you feel like you never left home." 

Joker's eyebrows rose up in surprise; he didn't think she'd still be that uptight about everything. "Shepard-" he started to counter her but she sliced her hand across the empty air to shut him up, angry that he was so easily manipulated. 

“Commander-“ EDI’S blue sphere came into view, interjecting her rant – Shepard glared, hot anger coursing through her veins as the AI grated on her last nerve, “EDI, make like a faulty circuit board and short out.” 

The blue ball blinked out, Joker swallowed and Shepard squeezed the bridge of her nose, her eyes tightly screwed shut. 

"This is all fake, _Flight Lieutenant_. This is a mockery of what the Normandy stood for with the Cerberus colours draped all over it, a mockery of _everything I’ve ever stood for_. If I had it my way-" She cut herself off, fists clenching as she tried to regain control. 

Joker was just an illusion too. 

She knew the story - she knew how he had left the Alliance because he'd been grounded after the Normandy went down. She knew the crew had been split up and Kaidan had disappeared, burying himself into work. She knew. 

She _knew_. 

So what the hell was she still doing here? Too many strings attached and too many unknowns at this point – she had to get more information. 

"Set a course for the Citadel, Joker, and try not to blow up the fucking ship this time." 

She turned on her heels, bitterness still palpable in her mouth and regretted saying that to him but her irritation was quickly overriding her logic. She made her way to her oversized cabin, the need to move her bed was overwhelming - staring out into the stars while she tried to sleep sent her into a paralyzing terror. Joker’s mouth snapped shut as he watched her stalk off; his head leaned back into the seat before he pulled the brim of his hat down to shade his eyes. 

He deserved that, he knew. He deserved worse from her, so he'd take the abuse because it was his fault she had died in the first place... he swivelled back towards the controls and let his fingers work across the keys and inputted the coordinates for the Widow Nebula. 

As Shepard pressed the elevator button, she furiously thought to herself who designed this ship and who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to add a skylight above a woman who _had been spaced_? 


	42. XLI. Rejection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Citadel

_Commander Shepard! You’ve made 0 credits in the last two years, sixteen days._

She blinked at the advertisement pole, shocked it knew even that much information about her considering they’d just re-instated her status as _alive_ from C-Sec. She leaned into it, observing the overly happy human male on the screen and she pushed her hand through the image. Her omni-tool flared to life as she tried to track down the program. She didn’t get very far before the pole just shut down. 

She frowned, stepping away and watched the people scurrying about the wards. Everything was different than what she remembered. There were still sections of the Citadel that were undergoing repairs from Sovereign but... somehow she was being painted as a nut on the news. 

She blew out her cheeks, blowing a soft raspberry with her lips before her gaze swept the crowd once more. Bailey had dismissed her own claims that she could be a VI, or a good copy. He had laughed, stating that the Citadel security scanners had identified her down to her chromosomes. 

It had disturbed and relieved her to know that she was actually _real_. 

It was a strange sensation to know for sure – but there were still a million things that didn’t make sense. She didn’t entirely trust herself not to be under some sort of control by TIM. She headed towards the elevator, worrying her lower lip as Kasumi trailed behind her with Jacob. He looked uncomfortable in his civies, she had ordered him to remove the damned uniform is she was going to be seen with him by Anderson or maker forbid, Kaidan. 

She shifted nervously in the elevator, adjusting her gear and weapons as the elevator climbed the floors. What would she do if Kaidan was there? Her gut twisted with self-doubt, would he even believe such an insane story? 

All things were possible with Commander Shepard, she told herself, but she didn’t even believe it herself. There’s no way she’d been dead – coma, yes, death – never. 

The doors slid open, she could hear Anderson arguing avidly with the council over her return, her heart squeezed painfully for a moment with nostalgia and longing to be back on the Alliance side but she wasn’t sure that was even possible. 

“Ah, Shepard. There you are, just in time as usual.” 

“Anderson,” she smiled despite herself, reaching out to shake his hand – his gaze lingered on her hand a moment too long before he turned his attention to the Council. She stood at ease next to the former captain, her gaze meeting every single one of the council’s. The stared at her, the Turian’s gaze narrowed, the Asari raised a painted brow while the Salarian only blinked its weird frog-like eyelids. 

“Shepard, it would seem our reports to your death were inaccurate,” the smooth voice of the Asari was the first to break the tension that was silently mounting since her arrival. 

“I wouldn’t say that,” Shepard sheepishly replied, her hands twisting behind her back as she raised her chin with pride, “It would seem I was in a coma of sorts after the destruction of the Normandy. My injuries were quite severe from what I understand and I was unable to return because of it. But,” she flicked her gaze to Anderson, who was stubbornly staring ahead, “I’m here now.” 

“Yes, well, there’s rumour you’ve aligned yourself with Cerberus, an enemy of the Council. This is treason,” the Asari quipped, Anderson tensed immediately, his hand slicing the air to end the conversation. 

“Need I remind you that Shepard saved the council and the citadel two years ago, at the cost of several thousand humans,” he retorted at the council, they seemingly regretted their words but they would not apologise for them. 

“I’m here to appeal for help,” the commander continued, feeling uncomfortable, “the Collectors are ravaging human colonies in the Terminus System. They are working under the Reapers-“ 

“Reapers?” The Turian snorted, “They don’t exist – it’s just human propaganda, we’ve dismissed these claims.” 

It took a moment for the words to register inside her mind, her face remained impassive but her gaze suddenly held a fire that Anderson immediately recognized. 

“Propa- wha- Are you _bli_ \- Are you fucking _serious_ ,” she sputtered, anger coursing from every pore, her hands fisted to her hips, her shoulder straight as she walked towards the holograms. She towered over them, her glare making even the Turian nervous. 

“Did I miss something? Wasn’t there a giant Reaper that barrelled through the Citadel arms and nearly destroyed all of us? Didn’t it explode when thousands of ships fired on it?” She glared at Anderson, who looked away, avoiding her gaze. “Are you going to deny Sovereign’s existence?” 

“Sovereign was just a ship with a very good AI,” the Salarian tried to justify but Shepard laughed bitterly, keying her omni-tool and flaring the video from Veetor. 

“You need proof, right?” She sneered, her lips twisted in disgust as she played the video to them. 

“This is from Freedom’s Progress, a human colony who was hit by the Collectors a few days ago. I investigated it and found a quarian who had pieced together the information.” 

“A quarian? Why wasn’t he taken?” 

“That’s what I asked, as well.” Her fingers flew over the hologram keyboard once more, playing her own recording when she questioned the crazed pilgrim. 

“The bugs – they were only interested in the humans. They attacked, froze them! They were helpless to fight the swarms! I hid – I hid but the bugs only buzzed around me, ignored my suit,” Veetor’s shaky voice filled the room – she pressed a few more keys as the Collectors showed up, dragging away bodies in pods. 

Anderson frowned, the council grew quiet at the evidence and the Asari looked at both her partners. They nodded. 

“Shepard, under the light of this new evidence - we cannot offer you direct support because of your alignment with Cerberus. We can, however, re-instate your SPECTRE status, and, if you keep to the Terminus Systems, we will not interfere with you mission.” 

Shepard crossed her arms, the sounds of Collectors still filling the silence of the room. She glanced at Anderson who nodded in return – she stepped forward and muttered “Better than nothing, I guess – I accept.” 

The Turian’s omni-tool glowed for a moment as the rank was reinstated. The council blinked out of existence and Shepard stood quietly as she contemplated this turn of events. 

Not what she wanted, really – she was hitting wall after wall since her rebirth. Anderson stepped out onto the balcony, leaning over the edge and she joined him – unsure of what to say. She rubbed her face in frustration, trying to decide what to do. 

“I want to return to the Alliance.” 

Anderson didn’t respond, only kept staring out towards the water. She leaned against the rail, watching him. There was a heavy pause between them and she had a dreadful feeling in the pit of her belly. 

“I don’t think that’s possible, at this point, Shepard,” he sighed, rubbing his hands together, “You’re KIA still, and Cerberus...” 

“Yeah... yeah I know.” She flicked a piece of hair away from her the shell of her ear, it was tickling her, “and there’s no way for you to know if I’m me.” 

Anderson finally looked at her, she gave him a soft, sad smile, he wondered – he wasn’t going to deny it, he wondered if that was truly her but the way she looked right now. He could almost confirm it with his own eyes. But it wasn’t enough, he needed more concrete proof. 

“I’m sorry about the council, if it’s any consolation, I believe you – the Reapers are real and just as deadly,” he saw her straighten, maybe that little bit of support was all she needed to get her head back in the game, “Right now, I think your best bet is to keep doing what you’re doing and stall them.” 

She raised a brow, “I’d rather do that under Alliance colours, sir.” Anderson shook his head. 

“You won’t get far with the Alliance, you’ll be bogged down by red tape, meetings and Maker forbid, a trial for going AWOL.” 

Shepard wanted to scream – did she truly have no choice? 

“There’s no other option then, I really have to do this with _them_?” Anderson smiled, she sounded like the old Shepard. “Can’t I get some of my old crew? What about Alenko?” 

“He’s involved in a classified mission, Shepard – I can’t tell you more than that. He’s Alliance and you’re-“ 

“Cerberus.” She spat out the word, angry that she couldn’t get intel that she had always been privy too. 

“I’m sorry – all I can do is keep the brass off your back and let you do what you do best.” 

No help, no support – complete rejection from every avenue except from the Devil itself. She let out a calming breath, shook Anderson’s hand before motioning to her two followers to keep close. 

“I’ll keep in touch, Anderson – I’ll send through what I can to keep you updated on Cerberus activity.” Jacob protested but she ignored him, Anderson’s lip curved before nodding. The doors swished open and she nodded to Udina, taking every bit of effort in her body to keep from flipping him off as he chewed out Anderson for going ahead with the meeting without humanity’s representative. 

She still didn’t trust that bastard. 


	43. XLII. No Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Normandy SR2, Hangar

She felt sick. 

The Illusive Man had said that Kaidan was posted on Horizon, the next colony suspected to be hit. _How did he know that?_ Had he lured the Collectors there? It wasn't just a coincidence, it was ensured motive for her to do as she was told and she hated every second of it. Mordin checked the seals of her suit, ensuring the measures against the swarm would be at its peak performance. 

"Shepard," the Salarian smacked his lips together in thought, "This is untested, be careful and please, do not try to overexert the suits." 

"Noted, doctor." She strapped on her Widow, her heavy pistol and took in a deep breath. The attacks had already begun from what EDI had scanned on the surface. There was no way for the AI to specifically tune in for Kaidan alone. 

"Jack, Garrus - lets go." She turned towards the rest, Mordin's index and thumb wrapped around his chin as he contemplated all the possible outcomes, she adjusted her helmet but before she sealed it, she pointed her chin at him. "Send the data to the Alliance, avoiding EDI and Cerberus tracking, if possible Mordin - they need this." 

"Understood." 

The door of the shuttle closed behind her, she struck the wall of the driver to let him know they were good to go and sat down next to Jack. She leaned back, her head thumping slightly in a pattern on the steel, trying to calm her nerves. 

She hoped she wasn't too late. 

The shuttle rumbled as it entered the atmosphere of the planet, she closed her eyes, the bile rising with every second she wasted inside this tin can. The landing was rough, swarms clogging the landing zone and with a jarring stop, the door popped open. 

Her feet landed on the dusty ground, her eyes scanning the horizon and she was reminded of Freedom's Progress. The world was frozen in its tracks - she could see people still standing in place, a red glow surrounding them like some angry biotic field. 

She had to find him, even if she had to check every single person on this damned colony. 


	44. XLIII. Kick in the Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Normandy SR2, Post Horizon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spicyshimmy excerpt that inspired this chapter:
> 
> "His eyes, blue against the polished chrome. ‘Me, too,’ he told her, palm flat against cold steel. The Normandy. They were together again, and they were both model number two."
> 
> (Thank you for giving me permission to use it.)

What if he's right? 

Her fingers tightened around bottle's neck that - cold glass against her heated skin while she walked down to the Starboard Observatory. Her blue eyes trailed the corridor, her heavy footsteps echoing in the lonely corridor - her reflection twisted and marred in the polished chrome of the Normandy. 

No, not the _real_ Normandy. 

She stopped, worrying her lower lip with a harsh nibble that made her wince. Her index finger followed the straight edge of the panels and pressed her palm flat against the cold steel and closed her eyes. Her memory wavered between reality and the past - the darkened hallways of the first ship, the small confined spaces that always made her uncomfortable. 

She could almost taste the recycled air, hear the crew coming and going from the sleeper pods lined up against the outside wall of her old cabin. The sounds of boots shuffling against the metal floors muffled through that thinly veiled wall, the soft rumble of the drive core rattling the upper right panel near his work station. 

She can still see him - hunched over the workstation that always seemed to short out, strong shoulders flexing under the yellow light as he pulled the panel apart. She can remember every little meaningless detail - how his wrist turned when he reached up across his brow to wipe at the sweat, the small scar on his lower lip that curled with his smirk. His eyes were always watching her walk by. The thick, perfect brows dipped in concern, joy or anger whenever she interrupted him and they discussed something. 

Shepard opened her eyes, pressed her forehead against the cool wall and stared at herself in the reflection. It was all gone; her life had disintegrated with that bright yellow beam that ripped the floor from under her feet. It laid cold and abandoned on Alchera, amongst the snow and ice with the bodies of her crew that didn't make it, her memories of that time laid still with her broken N7 helmet she found within the debris. 

The Normandy was _dead_ , and so was _she_. 

She frowned, conflict unsettling her precarious sense of self - she remembered the asphyxiation, the coldness of space seeping into her suit, the hiss of air escaping her helmet and the oppressing silence. Her nightmares still spoke vividly with the empty sensation of her life slipping into the shadows between the stars - the vertigo still swallowed her whole. 

Despite what Bailey said or the scans at the Citadel - was she really herself? She stared down at her hand, flexing the joints – the knowledge they were just a mesh of cloned skin woven with the real thing, titanium pieces mixed in with bone, twisted at her gut. Were her memories those of the true Shepard? Was she just a highly efficient VI? Her index finger scratched absently at the paint, trying to chip its perfection. Her scars had been washed clean, her muscles heavy with flesh and synthetic - she'd lost the familiar aches that told her she was pushing herself too hard. 

The two pink scars at the curve of her lower back from his fingers, scratches from the night he claimed her as his, had disappeared. She belonged to no one \- she didn't even belong to herself anymore. She didn't recognize this person with the bright blue eyes staring back at her from the silver chrome of this new Normandy. She pushed herself away from the flat surface; half lidded eyes followed the trail of her fingers as she rubbed the wall. 

At least she knew she still bled red. She sighed – her conversation far too philosophical inside her mind for a soldier. But still, the angry curl of his lips forced her thoughts to come back to the original question. Maybe... she had allowed her focus to deny too much - Cerberus had brought her back, this was true but... had she let it cloud her judgement, like he said? 

Was she so grateful to return from the dead that she would compromise her beliefs? Did she think she owed them for giving her a second chance at a life she didn't know was even hers? 

_Maybe_ . 

Her hand fisted, a hollow ache in the center of her chest throbbed. The harshness of his words hit her hard - maybe she had been compromised. The reality of it all came down to the fact that it wasn't a betrayal to the Alliance, or to Kaidan - it was a betrayal to herself and the ghosts that haunted her every memory. 

_Are you a puppet for the illusive man?_

She flatten her palm again, her lips pressed in a thin line, anger coursing through her veins - she had no choice in the matter. Two years in the dark only to wake up on the wrong side of the playing board; they were the only ones willing to listen and to give her what she needed to thwart the threat no one took seriously. 

But at what cost? 

She hadn't really thought past the _right now_ and Kaidan had forced her into a corner - he questioned her, reeled her back on the right track kicking and screaming and she had to face the consequences of those split second decisions. She took in a deep breath. He was right, she wasn't the Shepard he knew, that _she_ knew. 

She'd become a stranger who was willing to walk alongside the Devil, hand in hand. 

He didn't _deserve_ that - he deserved to continue grieving for the Shepard he lost and she would grieve for her as well. She had to leave him be, she couldn't put him through another death - there were no plans to return from this mission. A sad smile curled the corners of her lips, eyes bright with unshed tears at her decision and she patted the inside of the Normandy's hull - they were one and the same, this ship and her. 

Hollow, heartless and just model number two. 


	45. XLIV. Can You Hear Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - GARDIAN Tower, Post-Horizon

What if he’d been wrong? 

Kaidan’s mind swirled with her image – the brand new gear, the red lines across her face in new scars he didn’t remember. Garrus behind her with a tattooed woman he didn’t recognize. 

He had touched her. 

Not in his wildest dreams or most horrifying nightmares had he ever imagined the smallest possibility that she’d survive, that she still lived. Her lips had brushed his neck in their embrace, felt them curl against his skin with such familiarity that he almost forgot two years of grief, of sorrow and the sudden anger that had flooded his rationale. He could still see her bright blue eyes - the same ones he fell in love with. Her scent still lingered in his senses, dulling the reality around him. 

She wasn't the ghost from their apartment on Inta'sei - she was flesh and blood, life and death all rolled into one and she had come crashing back into his life - guns blazing, right in front of him. 

_“Hey, Kaidan, it’s been too long.”_

Her awkward stance, her heavy pistol still steaming from her battle – her lips parted as she settled her breath. Her eyes had checked him from top to bottom to make sure he was all there, no injuries – safe. 

Just like the old days. 

The whole conversation had been surreal – he racked his brain after the whole thing went down and fell to pieces and he couldn’t help but wonder if this had just been some sort of hallucination. But it wasn’t. Not by a long shot. The houses were still smoking, the corpses of the Collectors still littered the ground and more than half of the colonists had gone missing. 

If she hadn’t managed to get these guns online, he would have been aboard that ship too and going Maker knew where, but something still didn’t feel right. He rubbed at his forehead, frowning as his omni-tool beeped, downloading the last commands the GARDIAN received before the Collectors left. He skimmed the data, his eyes roaming the bright orange panel as he tried to understand the meaning behind the numbers. 

Patching, adapting simultaneously, directly from the Normandy. 

He only knew one person capable of doing such work but Shepard had been on land, fighting the reaper forces. There was only him or Tali that could perform something like that but they would have to be at the panel, hacking their way in. He'd been here for weeks trying to calibrate these damned things and he'd had no luck. 

Not only that, but it was done remotely. 

He closed his eyes one hand landing on his hip and the other rubbed at the back of his neck, frustration growing at the thought that he'd let all the answers to his questions stroll off planet a few days ago. 

_"I was in some sort of coma...It took two years to bring me back."_

Coma? He leaned against the panel, palms spread open - her words echoing. The more he thought back on it, the more he wondered if there was any truth to it. She never lied to him before... but two years with no word on her survival. 

No semblance of hope that she was still breathing. That was just _cruel_. 

It was impossible, the things she said and the things he’d seen - she got spaced, burned up in the atmosphere with the crashing Normandy... they weren’t lining up. He hadn’t grieved for nothing for all this time. She had died over Alchera because she wouldn’t leave anyone behind after Virmire. 

Then again, the Alliance never located her body... 

He shook his head. 

"Commander?" 

Kaidan turned, his troubled gaze landed on a dark skinned woman, she was one of the survivors. She approaches him timidly, her eyes set on the sky, as though the memory of the ship descending on them was still too fresh in her mind to feel completely safe. He understood that, he was the same way after the Normandy went down - it took months before he could even step back on a shuttle. 

"What is it, ma'am?" 

She looks at him, frowning, and her hands twisting in concern as she tries to word her thoughts. He nods at her and watches her a moment longer before turning back to his work - she would speak eventually. 

"Do... do you know the woman that saved us? I mean, you two seemed familiar with each other." 

He stilled for a moment, not realising they’d had an audience at the time. He cleared his throat before continuing to type on the panel. 

"Yeah, actually, I do know her. That was Commander Shepard," he murmured barely loud enough for the woman to hear, more like a reminder that she was indeed who she claimed to be. 

"Did... she find who she was looking for?" 

The question struck him in the chest - he gave the woman a glance over his shoulder, frowning. "She was looking for someone?" 

"Yes," she twisted her hands again, more rapidly, chewing her bottom lip as the memories come back, "While I was... frozen. She kept checking all the men, those with dark hair - I could see her clearly from where I was. She looked... awful." 

"Awful?" He could feel a pang of caution in the pit of his belly, warning him not to go through with the line of questions because it might knock him off balance again. 

"Yes, it's hard to explain - she was careful to look at the faces, her own scrunching up, twisting uglier by the second every time she passed someone. ‘ _Not him, maker not him - don't take him, do you hear me?’_ she kept whispering, her lips shaking with every word and then..." she trailed off, her eyes nervously looking up towards the sky. 

Kaidan was careful to remain impassive. She'd been looking... for _him_? 

Confusion flared, his thoughts chaotic at the news - why would... he cut off his train of thought. _No_. This woman who had strolled back into his life was not the Shepard he knew, she was different – changed. It wasn’t only that... He had changed and he wasn’t sure the years gone by would allow him to reach out and be touched by _this_ Shepard. 

"Do... you know how I could reach her?" 

The woman's voice snapped him out of his denial, his brow rose in wonder. "Why would you want to reach her? I'm not sure her contact still works." 

"She saved us, and you, from those monsters. She deserves a thank you and maybe a little encouragement." Kaidan nodded, bringing his 'tool closer to his face, searching the database for her contact information. He blinked when her credentials popped up, her account still open. He quickly traced the authoriser. 

_David Anderson_ . 

He pursed his lips in thought as he transferred the information to the woman, she thanked him profusely. He watched her walk away, his thoughts swirling. 

Anderson had known – far longer than he had and he hadn’t said a word to him. Maybe... Shepard had tried, like she said. 

_"I was in some sort of coma..."_ Her frown, her eyes bright with unshed tears of relief to see him, her shaking hands she tried to hide from her squad mates. The flash of hurt when he refused to come with her – he had a duty to the people that had gone missing and to the Alliance. 

She understood all that, he was sure. But it didn’t stop it from hurting. 

Did he make a mistake walking away from her? The uncertainty was eating away at him – Cerberus had their hands on her and she wasn’t seeing past the point of _right now_. He wasn’t the one being _emotional_. He was the only one being logical. Her sense of duty had been compromised by Cerberus’s promise to give her what she needed to save the humans hunted by the Collectors and she wasn’t a patient person. 

She always had to save others but always failed to save herself. 

Maybe... she was telling the truth, maybe it was really her back from the dead but he couldn’t allow himself to think that. She wasn’t the same woman. Two years had gone by and they were strangers in a grave she built out of their memories. 

He needed to speak with Anderson regardless now that he had the proof Cerberus wasn't behind the Terminus disappearances and that the Reapers were the culprits. But why only humans? And why so far out in this system? 

He finished his download and looked up at the guns, his hand absently stroking the last spot Shepard had leaned against before she encountered Dean. He had to return to Anderson, there was much to report and he needed answers on Shepard and why he kept him in the dark, all this time. 


	46. XLV. Obsession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Illium

Liara turned around, her mouth still set in a thin line with frustration, obtaining this information was beginning to feel a little hopeless, but she had to find him – the shadow broker would- 

“Liara? Since when do you threaten to flail people with your mind?” 

The Asari stopped in her tracks, her eyes snapping up to the voice she was intimately familiar with, disbelief rippled through her as Shepard strolled in. _Alive_. 

“Shepard?” 

“Last time I checked, yes.” 

They both stood in front of each other, Shepard saw a range of emotions filter across the alien’s face that surprised her a bit – disbelief, happiness and ... guilt? She raised a brow before shrugging and pulling the Asari into her arms for a much needed hug. Liara stiffened in her embrace, surprised at her actions. She eyed Miranda, who only smirked, obviously amused at the display. 

So, she didn’t know, yet. 

“So, is there a reason you were threatening that person?” she asked again as they separated and Shepard pulled a chair and sat down, and eyed Liara, who was still just standing there, staring at Miranda. 

She turned towards the two biotics and asked quite pointedly – “Something I should know?” 

“Not my place to reveal, Commander,” came the cryptic reply from the operative, who leaned back against the wall and crossed her arms. Shepard resisted the urge to flip the desk in front of her, she was getting sick of hitting walls and it looked like Liara was in on this particular secret. 

She turned towards the Asari, eying her critically, weighing her options. First thing's first. 

“Liara, I need information on two dossiers we're tracking on Illium and from what I hear, you’re the go-to person here.” 

Liara seemed to snap out of her freeze, walking towards her own chair and sat down, fingers working against the keys in front of her. “Yes, I usually am the person to approach; I have an extensive net of information.” 

“Good to know, I’m looking for a Drell assassin and a Justicar,” Shepard said as she dropped the data pads onto Liara’s desk, watching her as she picked them up and quickly reviewed the information. She nodded at the commander before turning back to her computer, dragging up the information. 

“They are both still here, I have been tracking their movements for my own benefits, but I will gladly part with the information for you, Shepard.” She flicked her Omni-tool towards the pads, downloading the information. 

“For free?” 

“Yes,” Liara gave her a small smile, Shepard raised a brow, the Asari was an information broker now, and they didn’t do anything for free. Shepard leaned back, crossing her arms after obtaining the data pad with the locations. 

“On what grounds?” She stared at her friend, who was now squirming uncomfortably, hands twisting together like in the old days when she felt uncomfortable with a decision. “Liara, what is going on?” 

“Can’t we just leave it as because we’re good friends and I owe it to you?” 

“No.” 

Liara sighed, eyeing Lawson, who was still unmoving from her spot against the wall. “She’ll find out eventually, Dr. T’Soni. It would be in your best interest to simply tell her.” 

Shepard scowled, irritated to be left out of the loop. She flicked her glare from Miranda to Liara, who flinched slightly. 

“I’m the one who gave your body to Cerberus.” 

Shepard felt the world drop from beneath her feet, there was a strange buzzing sound in her ears as she felt the blood drain from her face. 

“You... _what?_ ” 

Liara’s hands twisted faster, a delicate frown of worry etched on her blue skin. She worried her lip while considering her words and Shepard’s deceptively calm reaction. 

“It was the only option-“ 

“The _only_ option was to let me rot on the ground I was on.” 

Liara’s chin rose in defiance, unwilling to back down from her decision. “The collectors were looking for your corpse after the crash, Shepard. They had a high bounty on it. The Shadow Broker had possession of it and was going to trade them for it.” 

“Why would the collectors want my body? I’m no use to them dead.” 

“As the one who destroyed Sovereign, you were, _are_ a threat to them,” Liara cut her off, Shepard’s mouth snapped shut, anger rolling in waves off her. “They could have turned you into a husk or maybe assumed control of you and turned you into the new Harbinger.” Liara spread her palms across the desk, her eyes on the back of her hands. “Can you imagine what it would have done to the galaxy seeing their Saviour as the lead of their Reaper Army?” 

Shepard could see her point, but still. 

“But _Cerberus_?” The edge in her voice was hard to mistake, her glare cut through Liara and guilty spilled from the wound. Her hands covered her face as she took in a breath, trying to calm herself – she knew this could have potentially happened. “You know damned well what I think of them and you’ve forced my hand into theirs,” she spat out. 

Liara flinched. 

“They... they offered to revive you, to bring you back. Lawson provided me with some very good evidence that it was possible and I... agreed to extract you from The Shadow Broker with the help of a few people I trusted with my life.” 

Shepard was livid – her anger palpable as she clenched her fists, teeth grinding as she listened to the woman ramble. “Do you know what you’ve done? What you’ve caused? You’ve turned me into some sort of traitor against my own will.” 

“I couldn’t- I couldn’t just let go, Shepard,” She looked away from the commander, shame gripping her. “Alenko lost his mind after you died; his breakdown on Alchera broke my heart. Joker was grounded, Chakwas re-assigned and everyone parted ways.” The memories of the few weeks after that were hard to swallow but she brought them back, “They turned you into the poster child and then tore you down to discredit your claims of the Reapers.” 

There was a heavy pregnant pause between them, Shepard’s jaw clenched rapidly as she chewed over the words. 

“I couldn’t let them do that to you, the galaxy needed you back.” 

“Who are you to decide that? You should have left me for dead.” Shepard replied, listless and despondent, Liara’s gaze met hers before Shepard rose from her seat, almost in just a functional act. Her eyes had lost that glint she had when she walked in. 

“Shep-“ 

“No. _Don’t_. Thank you for the information, Dr. T’Soni.” 

And with that, Shepard left with her squad at her heels. Miranda looked over her shoulder with some sort of sympathetic look, as though it wasn’t the first time Shepard had reacted this way towards her resurrection. Liara only stared at the closed door of her office, guilt twisting viciously. 

_What was she supposed to do now?_


	47. XLVI. Seeking Solace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Citadel, Hotel Room

“So it’s true then,” Anderson looked out from the balcony of Kaidan’s hotel room, “The Collectors are working for the Reapers.” There was a pause between them that forced Kaidan to raise a brow. 

“True? You knew about this?” 

Anderson didn’t say anything at first, his stiff back towards Kaidan, he looked over his shoulder and caught the commander’s gaze for a moment before looking away. 

“Yes, I knew the day you left.” He turned towards the biotic and stepped towards the desk, pulling out the chair. This was a conversation that would take time, Kaidan would be angry. “Shepard said as much when she came to see me a few weeks back, asking to return to the Alliance.” 

There was the tiniest squint in Kaidan’s eyes; Anderson noticed the jaw flexing as he worked out the implication. 

“You had contact with her before then?” Kaidan’s voice was low, measured with strained emotion. Anderson knew that tone very well, having used it himself oftentimes when Shepard’s name was brought up by the brass in conjecture with her activity over the last two years. 

“The Alliance has had information on the Commander’s whereabouts for two years.” He couldn’t look at Kaidan, he could feel the wave of grief rolling off the Commander. “They were mostly rumours; intelligence reports oftentimes showed that someone was leaking tidbits to catch the attention of the right people.” He sighed, rubbing his hands across his face, “And they always linked her to Cerberus.” 

“She said she was in a coma of sorts.” 

Anderson looked over to the man sitting on the bed, shoulders square in attention, his eyes though – they were hard, angry. “That’s the rumour.” He clamped up, wouldn’t say much more since he wasn’t sure himself. Why she had defected after being recovered was still a mystery. 

“She says she asked about me but, no one would tell her anything.” Kaidan’s voice was laced with doubt, his frown barely visible but Anderson knew that his answer had to be very specific, and careful. The biotic was one of Shepard’s most loyal and dedicated soldiers, he couldn’t have the man defect to follow in her footsteps. 

“She did ask, I couldn’t tell her anything – she’s not with Alliance command anymore and your whereabouts were classified.” 

“You stonewalled her.” 

“With good reason. She’s with Cerberus and-“ 

“And I was investigating disappearances that were suspected to be Cerberus. You used us.” 

Anderson looked down, he took in a breath – the man was as smart as Shepard – she had already met him earlier that morning and torn a strip off his back about his ridiculous attempt to spy on her. 

“I didn’t have a choice, Kaidan.” He leaned forward onto his knees, palms out in peace. Kaidan merely looked away, Anderson couldn’t tell what the man was thinking. “I can’t trust her yet, but she did agree to provide Alliance with as much intel as possible on her mission and what she could find on Cerberus that she could get sent through.” 

“Why won’t the brass take her?” 

Anderson leaned back, looking up towards the ceiling as Kaidan asks the same question Shepard spat at him a few weeks back. “Hackett’s already asked her to do several missions on the side for him, like in the old days. He trusts her, for some reason. The brass won’t take her back officially because she would be tied down with Alliance regulations, and probably a trial while the colonists continue to disappear and the Collectors reign terror in the Terminus System.” 

“To save the many, we’ll sacrifice the one. We’ve forced her into this corner, then?” 

“She cornered herself. These are the consequences.” Anderson’s lip twitched at his own comment, knowing full well it was hypocrisy at its best, Kaidan snorted, understanding it was complete and utter bullshit. Kaidan swallowed hard, his heart thundering under his ribs – shame slipped against his logic as he recalled her actions on Horizon, her reaction, her crestfallen attitude. 

His mind wandered over his behaviour towards her return, his lack of trust and belief and the cut of his vicious words. 

Anderson rose from the seat to salute him. Kaidan saluted back and before Anderson walked out, he pointed to the envelope on the desk – it was still unopened. 

“Please, Kaidan, consider my offer for the biotics division.” 

Kaidan merely nodded with his eyes still on the balcony, the offer held a promotion and a job he wasn't sure he was entirely made for, he liked getting his hands dirty and teaching didn't seem up his alley. He sighed, Shepard’s face haunted him again but this time, she was alive and he had stepped away. The door clicked shut and Kaidan stood up, walked towards his desk and turned on his omni-tool. He chewed his lower lip before rubbing a hand across his jaw in thought. 

His fingers initiated the keyboard interface, thoughtfully he brought up her contact information and before he began to consider how he would apologise for his stupidity, he wondered if he even trusted her to truly be a double agent. He... didn’t know what to think anymore, his brain was fried with emotion from the last few days. He needed to get back to his home on Inta’sei and bury himself with the familiarity of her ghost. 

He had lost Shepard, once and now he’d lost her a second time, but this time it was _his own damned fault_. 


	48. XLVII. Precious Treasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Normandy SR2 - Kasumi Quarters

Shepard stumbled out of the med bay, her grin still a sharp ache her cheeks after she put the doctor to bed on one of the examination tables. She haphazardly saluted the few crew members still up at this hour and leaned against the wall, wiping at her mouth lazily. 

That Serrice was no joke. 

Her giggle bubbled out, she pushed off the wall, the corridor spinning mercilessly as she stopped in her tracks, shaking her head slowly. She quickly learned that wasn’t helping so she stumbled forward towards her cabin, she stopped in her tracks, remembering that Miranda was now in her cabin and she had to go up the elevator to her fancy fish tank suite. 

“Well it’s not a fish tank, per se,” she told one officer that walked by with great interest, he stepped around her, one eyebrow raised in wonder. She ignored him, and continued the conversation to herself, in her head. _Watch it mouth, I’m on to you_. She felt like a fish in there, with the bloody skylight hanging over her – she was still mad she couldn’t move the damned bed. She was Commander Fucking Shepard, she should be able to just shoot at the damned thing until it was loose but EDI... she said _no_ , and even threatened to cut off gravity if she shot at the bed inside the ship while they were in FTL travel. 

Shepard didn’t _like_ floating, the damned AI knew too much – she’d have to figure out a way to scan the thing and maybe _adjust_ it to agree with her a bit more often. 

_Ha_ , that should put a damper in TIM’s morning, unshackling the AI so she’d stop being so nosy. 

Then again, EDI could potentially space everyone if she let her free... 

Been there, done that. _No thanks_. 

Where was she going, again? She rubbed her face, took in a hiccup-breath before turning on her heels and headed to the bathroom, her bladder screaming for attention. 

“Commander, you are in the men’s lavatory.” EDI’s voice fluttered across the stalls as the doors swished opened; Shepard half heartedly glared at the general direction of the voice and waved her off. 

“EDI, I am the commander of this ship, am I not?” 

“Protocols set by The Illusive Man-“ 

“Yes or no, EDI, not your life story.” 

“Yes, Shepard.” 

“I will piss in the men’s labavatory,” she paused, not sure she said the word correctly, “or the damned corridor if I damned well want to, now,” she pointed at the ceiling, pretending EDI could see her grand gestures, “log me out like a good girl before I start shooting things in a drunken fit.” 

There was a pause that seemed unusually long to Shepard but then EDI’s voice announced she was logging her out just as she was finished her business and headed out the door towards Kasumi’s... ‘ _what wassit? Her room?_ ’ She shrugged to herself, her bleary eyes focusing on her new task. 

The doors swished open, she leaned into the frame and looked around the room, spotting the thief on her bed, nose deep into one of those paper books she was so fond of. She tripped into the room, barely managing to stand up straight in time to be presentable. Kasumi flicked her eyes over the edge of the book, silently moving over in the bed as Shepard made her way clumsily towards her. 

The Commander was in fine shape tonight. 

"Shepard," she purred, amusement always curled around her words, "What has you in such poor state?" 

"Poor?" she slurred, confused as she collapsed into the bed, crawling up to the Asian woman. She peeked over her shoulder and tried to figure out what she was reading. "I'm not poor." 

"I'm sure you are not," Kasumi grinned as the commander put her chin on the woman's shoulder, sighing with a heavy heart. 

"What are you r-reading?" She huffed out, breath reeking of alcohol, Kasumi winced, shrugging off the commander as she sat up in a more comfortable position. 

"I am reading a love story of two star crossed lovers who were separated due to consequences but in the end, their love prevailed and they reunited," she tried to feign interest in her book but the commander's current expression was far more interesting. 

"Relationships are a _terrible_ idea." Shepard's lips puckered up in a grimace, her frown marring her normally sever look into a comical one. 

"And why is that Shep?" 

She didn't seem to really hear her, her focus on the rose at Kasumi's desk. "How does it feel, you know, to love someone that's lost?" Shepard slid down, her body twisted oddly but she seemed comfortable enough. 

"You mean, how I mourned for Keiji?" 

Shepard frowned, "That's the fellow in your gray box, right?" she pointed at her, Kasumi nodded, a small frown of worry showed itself on the thief's face. "Well, no, I mean - how do you love someone you can't ever get back?" 

"Is there someone you love that you can't get back, Shepard?" 

"I don't love him," she sat up defensively, glaring at her. Kasumi threw up her hands as a peace offering, the commander leaned back down, her index tapping her lips in thought. "I'm not sure if I do or not but... he's an ass." 

"Is this about the fine young man you got in a squabble with on Horizon?" 

"Kaidan," Shepard corrected her, Kasumi smiled, "He left me." 

"You left him first, Shepard." 

"I did not." 

"You died." 

"I couldn't help it." 

"You _can't stop_ helping, that was your problem in the first place, my dear friend." 

Shepard gave her a long glance, her buzz still muddling her mind. What... was that supposed to mean? Had she made a bad decision to save Joker? 

_No. Joker was worth the extra mile_ . She sighed - she still had to make up with that big idiot. She'd forgiven him ages ago but pride was getting in the way. 

"Why was he so... _angry?_ " she sulked, mourning at the memory of the severity of Kaidan's glare, the harsh pull of his words. 

"Would you be angry, if you were in his shoes?" Kasumi gently prodded, her tone not accusing but Shepard could still hear it. 

"No... maybe." Kasumi raised a brow, Shepard sighed. "Yes. I would have done a lot worst. Maybe shot him, ask questions later about his involvement with terrorists." 

Kasumi shrugged - her point made. Shepard however, wasn't done. "Still, he shouldn't-" She choked, burying her face into her arms, toes curling into the duvet. The thief looked at her commander and her heart squeezed in grief as Shepard's shoulder shook slightly. 

"I need him, Kasumi - why... Why did I have to come back?" 

Kasumi leaned over, wrapped her arms around her friend's shoulders and buried her head in the nook of her neck, sighing. "That is a loaded question but on your Kaidan problem, don't give up just yet." Shepard stilled, considering the words as though she'd never thought it could be a possibility. 

"But, I'm just version two, he deserves -" 

"No Shepard, _you_ deserve much, _much_ more than what the Illusive Man has done to you," Kasumi took Shepard's chin gently between her thumb and index finger, making sure the commander couldn't look away. "You know, Shep, when we were down there in the vault, I was sure you wouldn't understand why I needed to have his gray box, but, in the shuttle, you told me that memories of my relationship were precious treasures." 

Shepard swallowed hard, her eyes burning. 

"Don't you dare think you don't deserve him Shepard. If anything, you deserve it _the most_." 

Searching the eyes of the thief, she felt another welt of emotion surging - damned alcohol, her control was wavering. "I should go." Shepard mumbled, stumbling out of the bed and headed out the door, Kasumi watched her go in silence and wondered if Shepard was really okay. 

She stumbled into the elevator, her heart aching and wiped at her cheek furiously. She couldn't believe she broke down like that, Chakwas and her damned stories from SR-1 had put her in this state. All the little things she didn't know about Kaidan and Jenkins, information she had lapped up greedily and encouraged for the doctor to spill as fast as their drinks. 

She walked out onto the first deck, eyed her cabin door and leaned against it - she needed to speak to him, she needed to tell him she understood why he didn't join, why he'd stuck to his guns and didn't drop his responsibility to join up in her suicide. She regretted seeing him, bringing back all that grief to the surface again. 

She unlocked her door, took slow and measured steps just to linger by the tank as she tapped on the glass, whistling at the fish. They swam in a circle, happy to eat when she pushed the button. Her gaze noticed the reflection of his portrait on the glass, her heart squeezed. She'd already made her decision \- she was going to leave him alone. 

She was just a shadow, a ghost to him. 

Despite it all, despite the acknowledgement that she needed to move on and let him move on, it _hurt_ and not even the copious amounts of booze she drank tonight was dulling the pain. She swayed on her feet, the room still buzzing about with her addled mind. She made her way to her desk, plopped her drunken arse into the seat and let out a very un-lady like belch that would have made Wrex proud. 

She reached for his picture, her fingers stroking the glass - his face was so serious in this. She felt her lips pull back into a grin, she wasn't sure where EDI had found this particular one but it was so _very_ him. She turned towards her laptop, flicking it on and stared at her inbox. 

_What was she doing?_

Her fingers touched the holo-keyboard, typed his name across the screen and she hit search. 

_Stop it, Shepard._

His name and number popped up across the screen. 

She hit dial. 

_'Hey, you reached Kaidan - leave a message.'_

__

She held her breath - her eyes filled with tears and she leaned her head against her arms, one solitary sob escaped her and she whispered _Sorry Kaidan, I still can't let you go_ before she passed out, the line still recording her soft snoring. __


	49. XLVIII. Multitasking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Normandy SR-2, Captain's Loft

Her fingers brushed against the data pads, her list prioritising itself as she reviewed each crew member; she sighed. They had gathered everyone that was priority for the mission, now – she had to find the IFF from the Cerberus cell that went quiet and wrap up her crew’s fucked up problems before they took the big plunge into the Omega 4 relay. 

She thought _she_ had problems. 

At least she had Kasumi out of the way, the thief was still curled up around that gray box like a life line, Shepard wondered if that had been a good idea or not to keep the box, but... She rubbed her head, comforting herself with the velvety feel of her buzz cut, bits of the other night filtered in when she snuggled Kasumi and harassed her in her drunken state. 

Well, grief had to be resolved somehow – maybe this would help in the long run... she _hoped_. 

She flicked one data pad open, the Cerberus operatives needed her help with their family problems and she debated helping them. Jacob wasn’t exactly a bad person, just had the wrong ideas about the company he worked for, but he seemed to be coming around as they dealt more and more with the Illusive Prick. Finding his father should be a snap since the ship had been found already, they just needed to pull him out. 

What had surprised her was Lawson’s request. To say that the loyalist hadn’t been awkward during that whole conversation was a severe understatement. But Shepard figured she owed her at least that, considering she had spent two years of her own life pouring into her carcass to bring her back on her feet, she could find the woman’s sister and pull her out of a hot spot. 

Plus, after prodding the genetic perfectionist, it became clear that her father had... some obsessive problems and was a real _winner_. In addition it wouldn’t hurt to have these two on her side – when things came down to it, she needed them to trust her explicitly. 

Her thumb flicked across the screen, scrolling down to Garrus. He had more issues than she thought possible for a Turian, but she wasn’t sure the path he was taking was the right one – sure, she’d be pissed as fuck if her whole team had been ratted out by an asshole and then cornered for days on end by the Omega’s Big Three, but... killing someone in cold blood – that wasn’t him. He liked to act like a Renegade, but he still had to read the book on _How to be a Renegade_ and toe the line of the parameters within the rule book. He was still all regulations and he couldn’t see it that way – Shepard had to _make_ him see it, somehow. Her finger ticked against the pad, lips pursed in thought. She’d figure _something_ out. 

Thane’s matter was rather pressing as well. His son was taking a wrong turn in life and was tangled with some bad folks – as a last ditch effort to amend his life, he wanted to help his son pull himself out of that problem and maybe even open the lines of communication once more. She could understand that. Tali, on the other hand... her entire race had lost its mind. 

The threat of exile for a Quarian was pretty much a death sentence, so they had to straighten that out before they left. Tali would have somewhere to go besides loitering on the Normandy if they returned from this mission. Nothing worse than a bored Quarian, EDI might appreciate not getting poked at. 

She took a sip of her coffee, eyeing Samara’s data – the Justicar had been on the trail of a murderer, one who could simply take life by melding with them. She was reminded of the Praying Mantis, how the female always decapitates the male after they join. Not sure she’d like that... Asaris sure had weird problems. 

Mordin needed to find an old student who got himself in trouble on Tuchanka – Salarians weren’t exactly welcomed there and the last thing she needed was the doctor off his game, worrying over someone he mentored. Wrex would probably let her dig around in there, he owed her, and then there was Grunt. 

He was a whole kettle of fish she couldn’t figure out. Damned Krogan was ramming everything solid in the cargo bay, declaring war on inanimate objects. She sighed, cheeks puffed out in frustration. Her eyes flicked over to her screen, her inbox open and she stared at the one unopened message there. 

_About Horizon..._

It had arrived this morning, and she still hadn’t read it. Her finger hovered over the delete button and then the enter button to open it, but she couldn’t decide what to do, she’d let him go, no? The hollow ache under her breastbone told a different story, but first things first, she had to go to the Citadel and knock two birds out with one stone. 

“Joker, get us to the Citadel,” she quipped in the comm from her cabin, closing her inbox with the message still unread. 

“Aye, aye, ma’am.” 

She turned towards the pads again, and wondered if there would be time for her own problems. 


	50. XLIX. Innocence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Citadel, Wards

Innocence was lost at some point in your life, it was just a fact but it was hard to witness it in the making, to revisit that particular point in time or situation that made you lose it. 

Shepard sat down on the floor, her back leaning against a store in the wards of the Citadel and watched the people walking by. The last few missions had been difficult to say the least. It was hard to watch her crew go through the realization that _life fucking sucked_ even after all these years of having dealt with the particular issue, for some. 

When had she lost her _own_ innocence? Mindoir had taken away a big chunk of it away for sure, but even after the events that lead her to this military life, she still had that slight naive aspect and point of view she had held on to dearly until... Akuze, Virmire and this resurrection. 

It had stripped that little tiny bit away. 

Then again, Kaidan had always managed to remind her that there was more to life than the destruction of that innocence. he'd always stressed that it was important to protect that aspect of people for as long as possible and in the process, you would regain the innocence you'd lost, if you played your cards right. 

It was hard though, to use his philosophy in these particular situations. She rubbed at her head, tracing the same path he'd take to calm her unknowingly. Her heart squeezed, missing him. She wished he was here - just for a second to figure out how to handle this. Jacob seemed okay for the most part, his father had turned into a complete lunatic who had abused his power as a commanding officer; she would have put a bullet in his head herself but the sick son of a bitch had to pay for his crimes. 

She did consider Jacob's idea of letting him be ripped to shreds by the very crew he betrayed would have been fitting as well, but she could almost feel Kaidan's glare from across the galaxy. Once they'd gotten back on the ship, Jacob had been angry, almost violently. 

How do you deal with the idea that your parent is back from the dead and turns out to be something straight out of the Lord of the Flies. Well, she could help out with the _Back From The Dead_ thing but dealing with the raping and enslaving business... well, now that she thought about it, she could probably help him with that too, considering Mindoir involved a lot of _that_. 

Still, Jacob had to work out the little details - he had to understand his father didn't predetermine who he'd become. He'd turned out just fine without the man in his life for ten years. He'd learn to accept that eventually and the first step to that was to ensure his father didn't get out of his crimes against the very people that trusted him. 

She stood up from her corner, feeling a bit more rested and wandered around, eyeing the various stores. There were a few things here and there she could use for the Normandy and her crew's much needed upgrades. But these _prices_ were highway robbery. She walked into the gift shop, and stopped in front of the aquariums where some pretty fishes circled mindlessly. 

She liked fish, and her tank liked them too - but she couldn't keep them alive to save her life. She tapped the glass, making kissing sounds to get the attention of the poor pet. Maybe she should try again; they might live longer than one mission if she could rope Kelly into feeding them. 

Shepard looked away, her mind wandering over the one mission that had touched her most, Miranda's problem had been the most unexpected. Despite her cool and detached exterior, Miranda was a very deeply emotional woman who was still searching where she truly belonged. Of course, she was a hard core Cerberus loyalist and no matter how many stories Shepard relayed to the woman about Cerberus's sketchy past, it always used to end with _"But that was a rogue cell."_

Nothing went on in this organisation without TIM knowing about it or had his approval. 

Despite her claims, Miranda had one weakness and Shepard grappled on to that as soon as she could, pocketing the operative's trust on her side. It wouldn't hurt, in the long run, when she was going to break free from TIM and steal his ship. Watching Miranda go through Niket's betrayal had struck her close to home. 

Is that how Kaidan felt? Watching her work on the side of the enemy, even though her intentions are good? Things were grey, she was having trouble identifying the right from wrong lately. She had to trust her instincts now more than ever even if she was compromised. She always had her memories of Kaidan to fall back on, his little bits of advice in tough times were her salvation. 

Despite the betrayal from her friend, they'd managed to save Oriana and for the first time in weeks, she'd finally seen the real Miranda beneath that perfect mask. They had a lot more in common than she originally thought, and it helped that Lawson stopped seeing her as her pet project. Oriana had managed to keep her innocence for a few more years and Miranda managed to gain some of hers back, opening the lines of communication with her only family. 

The whole damned thing brought a smile to her face, not that she'd ever admit it to Miranda. She stepped into the weapons shop, the turian behind the counter recognizing her immediately. 

"Hey, commander - say, you wouldn't want to say a few words to support my shop? I'll give you a discount." 

"For a discount? I'd love to," Shepard arched a brow, a plan forming in her head. She picked a sniper mod for Garrus, hoping this would entice him to forgive her. He was still angry with her for preventing him from killing the one responsible for destroying his team and nearly killing him on Omega. 

Vengeance wasn't for him though, she knew that and he pretended he was all about it but they both knew it was just a bold face lie. Her death had affected him in ways she'd never know but it was obvious he was only acting out in his grief. He belonged in C-sec, on the Normandy or in the military, not as a thug and she wasn't about to let that little bit of innocence evaporate. 

It would probably take a while for him to understand that, but he'd see it eventually and come back around. If anything, she'd just heckle his shitty shots and wrestle his ass to the ground in the hangar to work out his stress until he forgave her. Garrus was simple enough to figure out, he was still pretty innocent and he should cherish it more but he was a turian. 

Innocence was for children and even then, it was a hard thing to justify with their culture. 

She shoved the mod in her pocket, her fingers brushing against something in her pocket, making her frown. She pulled out the small round object and clicked it - a small version of herself popped up. She blinked, having forgotten entirely about the bootlegged VI. 

She wasn't entirely sure how she felt about the thing, she was sure she could find a use for it eventually. And it _was_ fairly amusing. She clicked it off, her thoughts wandering over to Thane's son. His life had been complicated, with his father leading the life he did. Being abandoned because of grief, she couldn't even imagine what that did to a child. 

Thane had to face his own mistakes before he could come to peace with his own fate. Dying alone was not something she recommended for anyone. She hoped they would eventually connect, that Thane would steer his son away from the life he's led. He seemed like a good kid, overall. 

He'd almost lost that last little bit of innocence, that last sliver of hope that kept you sympathetic to life and to those around you. She squeezed her hand around the VI, thoughts on Kaidan again. Maybe... that was the most important lesson Kaidan ever taught her and she would be forever grateful. 

She looked out towards the large windows of the ward, the fake night sky twinkling with stars - she flicked on her communicator and grinned into it. 

"Kasumi, want to help me shop?" 


	51. L. Advertisement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Citadel, Wards

She hadn’t answered him yet, he thought sombrely as he adjusted the strap of his pack on his shoulder. Not that he really expected her to; he’d been almost too clear on Horizon about where they stood but after he got that drunken mumble of an apology and ten minutes of her snoring, he was sure she’d be more willing to open something he’d send. 

But... she hadn’t even read the damned thing yet. He frowned, irked she was avoiding him, he checked every day to see if the read-receipt had been sent back but there was nothing. Maybe Cerberus had intercepted his message and not delivered it. No, he’d taken all possible precautions to ensure it was delivered. 

She was just... avoiding it. 

He wasn’t even sure what that _meant_ , Shepard never avoided anything. He blinked, realising his own lie. No, she avoided a lot of _emotional_ things, things that showed her weakness, and he knew she’d admitted once to him that he was her weakness. He sighed – maybe she was trying to show Cerberus he didn’t matter anymore by ignoring him. 

It was working. He certainly didn’t feel important, and he deserved it. 

He walked off the transport from Inta’sei, heading to the next one to catch his next ride to Grissom Academy, cutting through the Wards of the Citadel. He pressed his lips together tightly as the crowd of people almost overwhelmed him. He hated busy places and he knew the wards were oftentimes in that state but this was ridiculous. 

He politely pushed his way through, looking at the time on his omni-tool to make sure he’d make the transport on time, not that it mattered, it was waiting for him anyways and wouldn’t leave without him. The further into the wards he travelled, the more people seemed to be compressed in the small spaces, which really irritated him. 

He moved closer to the walls, trying to give himself more room and he wondered what the hell was going on to have so many people here. Then he heard it. 

_“I’m Commander Shepard and this is my favourite store on the Citadel.”_

Kaidan frowned, not sure he heard it right because there was something strange about the voice, there was more than one and they were all off by a few seconds. It sounded like an army of Shepards had taken over the wards. He took a moment to _really_ look around. 

People were lined up all the way outside in almost every store, there was a large flickering poster of Shepard with her Widow across her shoulders, winking at passersby on the advertisement poles but she had this _grin_ on her face. The one he recognized the most when she was pleased with herself, when something particularly clever was going her way. He shook his head, leaning it back against the wall, his omni-tool beeping with a priority message. 

He felt his shoulder shake with laughter, she hadn’t changed much, from what he could see with this little stunt, she still stirring up shit where ever she could and by the annoyed look of that asari vendor on the other side, who’s shop was completely empty, she’d manage to piss a few people off at the same time. 

“Alenko here,” he eyed the poster again, that grin stirring all sorts of memories in him. 

“Major, we’re waiting on you,” Anderson’s voice brought his attention back to reality, he nodded at his commanding officer before turning his omni-tool towards the wards, the chaos far more comical than was intended. 

“Did you see this, Anderson?” 

“Yes, the complaints are stacking up on Udina’s desk, which is why you need to hurry up before I get called back in to deal with Shepard’s little prank.” 

“On my way ASAP, we wouldn’t want that now, sir,” Kaidan grinned, turning off the omni-tool and quickly made his way through the crowd. At least her sense of humour was still intact. 


	52. LI. Mother Nature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Tuchanka

Shepard licked her lips, the dry desert air was hell – she scoffed, kicking the dirt lightly to adjust her boot, she'd never doubt Wrex again. She didn't quite believe him back on the SR-1 when he said Therum was nothing compared to Tuchanka and hell, they were on damned lava when they rescued Liara. 

She eyed Mordrin, who had been relatively quiet since discovering his student hadn't been missing at all but was working to _cure_ the genophage. The whole thing had been disturbing, the females were dead all over the old decrepit hospital, bodies of humans used as a base material for the experiment had disturbed her the most. 

What had impressed her the most was hearing Mordin's thoughts on the whole thing. She didn't agree with him that the genophage was a solution needed now a day. It had destroyed the krogan, their culture and history decimated by war and despair. Mordin had been disturbed to see the females accepting such suffering to be able to give birth. 

Shepard had been disgusted at his ignorance. For a scientist, he didn't seem to understand the need to continue your bloodline, to leave a little piece of yourself behind. 

She couldn't imagine the pain of these females, couldn't imagine what it was like to go through the full pregnancy only to birth a stillborn every single time. It would destroy their very existence, their own self-worth. After freeing his student, they'd decided to keep the data, maybe someday it would be something worth to look at to help the krogan, lift them from the oppression the turians and salarians had put them under. 

Mordin had only held the disk, his strange eyes blinking rapidly in thought. It was the first time she'd seen the doctor speechless. Hopefully, she'd given him a new purpose past this mission, a reason to maybe make it. She wasn't sure. 

She looked up to Grunt, his large toothy grin was infectious - Wrex had finally revealed to her that her little baby krogan was experiencing puberty. Hence all the head smashing, insults and fight-mongering on the ship. Damned Mother Nature, she could handle a little puberty but the trial to become part of a clan was little much. 

Wrex had boasted in front of Grunt that he was the last to kill the Thresher Maw at his initiation, claiming that made him the most aggressive and respected krogan on Tuchanka. She'd snorted, getting his attention. 

_"I've killed six; does that mean I have the biggest set of quads on the planet?"_

__

_"Mako kills don't count, Shepard."_ He'd waved her off, shaking his head at her claim. She'd just have to show his arrogant ass how a human killed a Thresher on foot. 

_Smug bastard_ . She pulled out the Cain M-920 from its holster, warming it up. The first three rounds had been far too simple, varrens and some sort of giant bug. She looked over to her krogan. Yes. _Hers_. She was his krantt, his battle master. 

"You ready to do this, Grunt? Show these assholes what tank perfection and a puny human can do to a maw?" 

"The blood of my enemies will spill on the sands of Tuchanka, Battlemaster, with you at my side." 

They both smirked - his own battle cry echoing in the ruins while she felt the bloodlust build in her own system, the anticipation of battle singing in her blood. Mordin only groaned, positive the jarhead attitude was going to get them injured, his omni tool beeping as she slammed her fist down on the button to call the final round of this initiation. 

"Brace yourselves, Commander, incoming Maw." __

She flipped the Cain in her hands, her fingers flexing against the trigger, hearing the hell in a bullet warm up but not discharge. She could see the bright red light turn yellow as the percentage rose up. The ground shook, memories of Akuze threatening to come to the surface but she chose to pull on the thrill of killing the other maws with Kaidan in the Mako. Her eyes set on the dust that rose from the ground, the maw's screeches deafening but it only thrilled her. 

The light turned green, the beep heard across her helmet. 

She grinned. 


	53. LII. Misfortune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Flotilla

Morinth had affected her more than she realised - the asari had used powerful drugs and the attempted mind meld had left her with a bitch of a headache. They were nothing like that of Liara’s. Not that Morinth had the chance to _Embrace Eternity_ but there was a subtle difference between the two. The doctor’s probing had been soft, almost inquisitive while the Ardat-Yakshi’s attempt had drawn her in with violence and temptation. Thank goodness Samara had shown up when she did, Shepard wasn’t entirely sure she could have resisted any longer. 

After the whole ordeal, Samara had locked herself in the observation to grieve; it had been a shock to Shepard when she found out that the Justicar had the misfortune of killing her own daughter. She couldn’t imagine what that possibly could feel like. She’d have to check on her later, try to see if Samara was willing to speak about it at their meditation lessons. Maybe worrying about Samara was what was making her so irritable, standing in front of the Admiral Board for Tali, as her captain. 

The young quarian had been stripped of her rights, even her own ship name, for this ridiculous accusation and since her father was dead, Tali had to take the fall in his place. That was... beyond _idiotic._

The worst part of this was the fact that Tali was willing to take the fall, after discovering what her father had been doing on the Alarei. Shepard rubbed at her helmet, her forehead itchy but couldn’t find relief because of possible contamination. They hadn’t even waited for them to be finished with clearing the ship of the re-activated geth. 

They were just about to finalise her exile when they walked in. Shepard saw red by that point. All their bickering and finger pointing was driving her insane considering this had absolutely nothing to do with Tali and everything to do with this looming geth / quarian war. 

“Do you have anything to offer as evidence to clear Tali of charges?” 

She looked over to her friend, someone who’d had her back for years, even helped her take down Saren when the Citadel was literally falling apart. Tali twisted her hands worriedly, the purple mask hiding her worried eyes but she could still see the white slits – she didn’t want her father’s name to be wiped out, all their hard work and good for the Flotilla forgotten. Shepard had enough. 

“Shepard, wait – don’t-“ Tali started as Shepard walked forward, ignoring the quarian. 

Shepard leaned over, her armoured hands grabbing the bar in front of them and she stared them down, straightened up and waved off the board. “This is a waste of fucking time, let’s get the hell out of here, Tali.” 

“What? This is an official inquiry, Captain Shepard, you cannot just walk out-“ 

“And why not?” Shepard turned on her heel, shrugging her shoulder with Tali still waiting at the bar in front of them. “If this is an official inquiry into Tali’s loyalty and work, shouldn’t you be looking at her record?” Shepard marched back, anger rolling off of her in waves. 

“This quarian has been deemed Saviour of the Citadel along with me, she was there when we brought down the geth and Saren, stopped Sovereign from summoning more of his kind into our space. She’s dedicated and loyal. She would never put her people in harm’s way and this whole trial is a sham anyways. You’re all wrapped up in your own bickering politics and using her as a scapegoat.” 

The Admiralty board was stunned into silence, not realising that their open apprehension to the upcoming war was that obvious, the four of them shifted uncomfortably under Shepard’s scrutiny. She wasn’t done by a long shot. 

“Anyway, our current mission is of the suicidal sort so none of this really matters. Take her rights away if you want, ignore all the good she’s done for the Galaxy to fight the geth to make your own little squabbles better. She’s part of my crew and my ship and I won’t allow you to continuously harass her like this. So yeah, this is a waste of time.” 

This time, Shepard pulled at Tali’s arm, who followed her without protest, a small sense of pride burning in Tali’s belly as she walked away. She didn’t reveal the truth of her father. She kept her word. 

“Wait, Shepard –“ They both stopped in their tracks, half way up the stairs. She refused to turn around. 

“Make it quick.” She snapped, the crowd watching the drama unfolding. She hated putting on shows but things had to be done to get your way. 

“You’re right, we are blinding ourselves with other issues that have nothing to do with Tali, please forgive us.” 

Shepard looked over her shoulder, shaking her head. “It’s not me you should be asking for forgiveness.” 

The admirals all looked at each other and nodded, omni-tools flaring to life as they inputted their verdict. 

“Tali’Zorah Vas Normandy, with your excellent record and lack of evidence, we clear you of all charges of treason.” Tali let out a bark of nervous laughter, her gaze landing on Kal’Reegar who was nodding at her from the back of the room, there was a huge round of applause in agreement with the verdict that lifted Tali’s spirit, putting her at ease finally. Shepard tugged at Tali again, this time smiling at the quarian. 

“Fantastic, glad that gamble worked - now let’s get out of here.” 


	54. LIII. Childhood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Pragia

_Click, click, click._

Jack's fingers flicked the safety of the bomb's detonator on and off - her mind swirling with emotion she wasn't used to. She thought she had been ready to go back there, her skin had crawled with the need to be rid of that place but seeing another survivor... seeing the different side of her own story had unsettled her. 

It wasn't as she remembered, none of it is. 

She remembers the loneliness, the pain - she remembers the hatred but... she didn't remember the other things - the suffering of the other kids, mostly. 

Why didn't she see it? 

_"Maybe Cerberus let you see only what they wanted you to see, to perfect their weapon, Jack." Shepard's armoured hand grasped her shoulder, as she stood behind the one way mirror; her mind swirling with frustration because everything she believed seemed to be a complete fabrication. Her life was not a lie - she was an evil fucking bitch because Cerberus had kept her scared and pumped her full of drugs and everyone here had been against her; they all had wanted her dead._ Jack shook the memory, letting it sink in, trying not to think of the implications of what she said. 

She hated those damned kids. She _hated_ them. 

Didn't she? 

_Click, click, click._

Jack eyed Shepard, sitting across the way from her in the shuttle - the rain poured down on the vehicle and the cold settled deep in her bones. Her grip tightened on the metallic object in her hand, her mind wandering over the memories she worked so hard to forget. 

Her chest tightened again, she rubbed absent-mindedly at the hollow between her breasts in an attempt to settle the ache but the fear and sickness she felt when they landed was overwhelming. The familiar outline of the facility's roof had created a cold hardness inside of her that she couldn't warm up anymore \- she shut down. 

She hated that fucking place. 

Despite the peeling paint, the broken windows and the rotting tiles, it still held her nightmares in perfect unison with the shitty fucking weather. It always rained there, it never let up - not one day. The overturned beds and the blood stains on the walls hadn't changed. Everything had remained trapped in time, waiting for her to come back. 

She could feel her biotics warming at her nodes, her emotion brittle as glass as the memory of her room scrapped at her relentlessly. Shepard had poked, prodded at everything, Jack watched those gloveless hands touch her past with such careful manipulation, she'd felt a sudden surge of possessiveness of her past. This was hers, she didn't like seeing Shepard's fingers follow the dips of her carvings, didn't want Shepard to right the desk she had thrown during her escape. 

She didn't want her in here! 

The hum of her biotics had flared, her lips curled back into a snarl that would have frightened any other person but Shepard merely looked up, stilled for a moment and caught Jack's gaze without an ounce of fear behind her eyes. She had shrugged and kept her indifference obvious before she'd even spoken. 

The words still swirled inside her head. 

_"If you're not going to let go of this Jack, I can just leave you here. You can just sit in this room and be the scared little freak you think you are or," She stepped around the bed and turned her back to Jack, eyeing the one-way mirror in feigned interest, "You can grow the fuck up, get your shit together and be the greatest fucking biotic that crossed the Omega-4 relay and lived to tell the tale."_

__

It was the moment she had felt all the rage and anger finally just let go and for a brief moment and she had felt that maybe... just maybe there was more to life than just violence and disappointment. Shepard's gaze had been unwavering, her words warm but sharp as steel and there was no mistaking it, they were directly meant for Jack and her alone, this was her final choice, there was no turning back. 

Let go or be devoured by your past. 

Shepard's hand struck the back panel of the shuttle to get the driver moving faster - she could tell Jack was ready. A smirk graced the Commander's lips and Jack leaned back, her head thumping the wall behind her once in resolution. She leaned forward and flicked the safety off one last time before she caught Shepard's eyes. 

There was a promise there, the offer of support. She wasn't alone anymore and she wasn't sure what to make of it. 

"You're one crazy asshole, Shepard." 

Shepard chuckled, shrugged and barely had time to say "You know it," before Jack pushed down on the button and blew the fuck out of her past. 


	55. LIV. Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Normandy SR-2

"Why'd you do it?" 

Shepard looked up from her data pad, her eyebrows raised in surprise. Jack stood before her with a barely-hidden wary expression staring into a half-filled glass of some pink concoction Shepard was sure would knock a Krogan onto its ass. 

"Do what?" 

Jack leaned back against the bar, arms crossed against her chest and raised a brow, not willing to play any games with the commander. 

"You know what, don't play stupid - I'm not in the fucking mood." 

"You're never in the mood, Jack. Always a headache or cramps..." she flicked her hand in the air, as though to indicate the list went on. Jack blinked, and then twisted her face scornfully, unimpressed at her lame joke. 

"Answer me," she hissed out, taking another long drink from her glass before slamming it on the counter top. She turned from Shepard and stared out from the Starboard window, watching the stars slip by. Shepard sighed, placing the pad down far gentler than the glass before straightening up on the stool and adjusting the neckline of the Cerberus outfit. 

She hated the thing, always made her itch - she wasn't sure if it was because of the material or the moral implications of the uniform. 

"I did it because," she pulled at the edge of the shirt, flattening out the wrinkles as best she could as she weighed her words carefully, "someone told me that it was important." 

"Important?" 

"Yeah, important." 

"That's real fucking cryptic, Shepard. Enlighten us poor peasants." 

She ignored the contempt in Jack's voice, it wasn't _real_ contempt or anger in her voice anymore - it was all Jack knew to fall back on and until she learned otherwise, Shepard would learn to differentiate between the tones of anger to figure out her true moods. 

And the biotic flaring was a big hint that she was seriously pissed. 

She eyed the biotic before standing up, worrying her lower lip as she walked towards the large open widow. She still suffered from the vertigo open space caused her but thanks to Samara, she was learning to control the fear, to find peace again in the vast open spaces of the stars. She stood at attention, her hands folded at the small of her back with practiced ease and Jack snorted slightly, hating that part of Shepard. 

She always had to have control, all regulations unlike her - she was chaos, explosion and hot fire. Jack was almost certain that Shepard's entire life was just one giant folded hospital corner where you could bounce a credit chip off the mattress. She pushed off the edge of the bar and moved next to Shepard, leaning her back against the window to watch the commander's face. 

Shepard took in a breath, Kaidan's words still hurt to think about at times - damn him. 

"It's... important because to be able to grow, to be able to understand your place in the universe, it's important that you look back on your life and understand the pain you felt and how it affected you." She shifted her weight, trying to recall the exact words. "It's also important that you grow beyond it and never let it shape you more than it needs to be because you will never be able to reach your full potential." 

"What?" Jack shook her head, ready to dismiss the commander, but Shepard wasn't done, she reached out and touched Jack's arm as she pushed off the window to leave. She caught the woman's gaze in such a profound way that Jack had to stop and listen to the rest. 

"You reach a certain point in your life that, if all you have left to draw from is pain, hate and anger - you can't be anything else and you won't care for anything else. Letting go," she squeezed her arm slightly, trying to osmosis the words through the skin as though she couldn't get the right feeling through, "It means you're willing to let something else or _someone else_ be the strength you draw from. Then you are willing to let yourself heal." 

There was a pause, between them - a long second that nearly sucked the air out of Jack. She pulled her arm out of Shepard's grasp, letting out an uncomfortable chuckle. 

"Shit, Shepard - that sounds like it's from experience." 

The other woman only stared at her, her gaze dropping down to her hand still hanging in the air before she brought it to the curve of her lower back, her shoulders straightening. Jack could have sworn she saw a flash of sadness before the mask slipped on again. 

Jack suddenly didn't feel like bringing the fight to the Commander anymore - in this quiet moment, she finally saw Shepard has just a simple woman trapped against her will in this fucked up Cerberus plot and her anger had a new purpose, a new goal. 

She would help Shepard break free from the bindings that kept her here. 

"Maybe, Jack - Kaidan always knew the right words to say to pull me out of the darkness," she murmured so softly, she almost missed it. 

"Kaidan? You mean the asshole from Horizon?" 

Shepard let out a quiet bark of laughter while folding her arms across her chest. She grew silent for a moment before reaching to squeeze the bridge of her nose, shaking her head slightly. 

"Yeah, him." 

Jack raised a brow before snorting in disgust - she moved closer to Shepard and stared out into the window, observing the stars, and for once, Shepard was grateful Jack didn't want to talk anymore. 


	56. LV. Foreign

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Normandy AI Core, Post-Reaper

_Dead gods still dream._

His words were still a shambled echo in her head, but they were true, did reapers truly die? The memories of the too sharp angles of the wall were pressing against her as she walked through the medbay and into the AI core. Her sense of space was closing in every step of the way – there were unseen whispers crawling in the back of her head and the edge of her vision seemed almost slick, oily. 

That place didn’t _feel_ right. 

“Who’s bright idea was it to climb into a reaper, open up a lab in the center and study it?” She eyed Miranda, who shrugged, knowing full well what the answer would be. Shepard wondered for a moment what TIM was really interested in considering this cell looked like a _study type_ , not a _how to destroy type_. 

The place had been crawling with Reaper forces, especially _husks_ , and she knew it was going to be a doozie when they entered the room, the Dragon's Teeth were sticking out from the walls and the ground. There were hundreds of them throughout the Reaper - you could see them off the observation deck. 

Plus there was the _sound_ of them, all the groans and the screaming. Shepard shuddered, ever since encountering them on Eden Prime all these years ago, she still had trouble thinking about them. They reminded her too much of her nightmares and ghosts. 

"Commander, I still object to reviving the geth, it is not wise -" 

"Noted Miranda, now ready the barrier, EDI." The field flickered, the thickness of it apparent with the blue shimmer visible. Shepard eyed the N7 armour plate on its chest, the hole partially covered from an obvious near fatal attack. She wondered where it had picked it up, Alchera maybe? 

"Ready, Shepard. Any attempt from the geth to hack my systems will be denied." 

"If you say so, EDI." Her omni-tool flickered on, pulling up the code to re-activate it. She took a step back when the head of it blinked, the hum of it coming back online, its crisp metallic chatter giving her chills, redirecting her thoughts to Jenkins. 

"Shepard-Commander," it stood up from its laying down position, the flaps of its head moving rapidly. She thought it looked... _weird_ how it seemed to nearly portrait emotion that way. "We wish to join you on your fight against the Heretics." 

Shepard raised a brow, this was... _different_. 

"You can't be serious." Miranda sighed, Shepard grinned, already liking the geth for upsetting the loyalist. 

"Alright, I'll bite. The heretics?" She crossed her arms, unsure why she even trusted the thing, but then again, none of them had _spoken_ to her before. 

Just chirped and shot at her, and she swore and shot back, usually winning the gun fight. 

They had a _very_ simple relationship. 

"Yes, that is what we call those who have joined the Old Machines." The geth continued to flicker its face plates, she eyed the N7 armour again. 

"You mean the Reapers." She rubbed her forehead. There were two factions of geth? Well, can't judge a book by its cover. "Alright, start from the start, uh... geth?" She blew air from her cheeks, a little thrown off not knowing its name. "We need to give you a name, and you need to convince me to keep you on my team." 

She never thought that, in her entire career, she'd shake hands with a geth. 

_No,_ she thought to herself as it explained it was not _one_ , but _many_ programs into the one platform, _it was a Legion of geth_. 


	57. LVI. Break Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Normandy SR-2, Engineering

Shit. 

He couldn’t move. 

The pain travelled up his legs and into his hips after the ship had kicked into FTL, knocking him off his feet. He was sure nothing was broken but couldn’t argue against some fractures. Cerberus had fixed him mostly, reinforcing his bones so he could walk without aid but the disease was still there. 

He just... needed a few seconds to wrap his brain around what he’d just done to save the ship. He turned his head, eyeing the mass effect bubble that was acting as a barrier, while EDI flushed out the remaining reapers that had invaded the ship and taken the crew right from under his nose. The sound of papers fluttering around the engineering room caught his attention, the oxygen was flooding back into the ship – the Collectors must be all gone. 

He rubbed his face with both his palms, groaning. 

“Damn,” he murmured, he’d fucked things up royally – the crew got kidnapped, he unshackled the AI and let her open the doors in the middle of space to flush out the enemy. He was pretty sure those items were on the _“Don’t fuck with these rules”_ list Shepard had harped on about. 

The hiss of oxygen seemed unusually loud, but he soon realised it was because there was no other sound – everyone was gone. He prayed everyone had been off the ship when she flung the bay doors open in the middle of space and turned off most of the barriers to flush out the trash. A person could only handle spacing so many people before it started to affect them. 

“I’ve alerted the commander to our situation and provided her with our current position,” she quipped as an update, he let his hands fall away, staring up at the ceiling from the ground. 

“Alright EDI,” he murmured, his chest ached, “What about the IFF?” 

“I’ve disabled the signal and cleared the virus from our systems. Do you require assistance, Jeff.” 

“No, I’m... fine, thank you EDI, and thanks for asking.” Slowly, Joker rose to his feet, clutching to the various objects he could lean against, making his way towards med bay. Everything was... creepy. He could hear the hum of the ship’s core and the various bleep of the computers running the basic processes of the Normandy but there were no voices, no warm bodies filling the halls to greet him. 

The ship felt like a ghost. 

His eyes trailed the floor, following his previous path but he could see blood streaks on the walls, drag marks to the elevator. He swallowed hard, thinking of the crew members that helped him get to Engineering, using themselves as distractions to allow him the time to free EDI. He gulped down the knot in his throat. 

The doors to the med bay slid open quietly; the lack of greeting from Dr. Chakwas unnerved him. She was routine, familiarity and now she was in _their_ hands doing maker knew what to her and the crew. Hot anger coursed through him, he hopped on the bed and sat himself down carefully, wincing at every movement. 

“Commander Shepard has boarded the Normandy.” 

EDI hadn’t finished her sentence before the med bay doors opened, Shepard was still removing her helmet before her gaze fell on her pilot, he was still adjusting his position on the bed. 

“Maker, Joker – are you alright? What happened?” 

“No, I’m not ok. The damned IFF was broadcasting our position like a beacon and the Collectors just appeared out of nowhere,” he rubbed his face, frustration rolling off of him. “And why the hell did you take the entire fucking team with you? You just... left us.” 

“Joker, I-“ 

“No. _No one_ was able enough to protect the damned ship from these _things_. We might have had a chance if this was a maker-damned Alliance ship but this crew isn’t military, Shepard. What were you thinking?” 

The commander crossed her arms, waiting for him to take a breath so she could speak. She didn’t blame him but she had to take the crew, the mission with Legion had required it, there were too many geth on that ship to go with just an infiltration team. At least they’d wiped out the heretics. She’d taken the ship if she would have been able to, but the IFF had disabled it. 

The doors swished open and a very irate operative came marching in, the hum of her biotics sparking. “Flight Lieutenant Moreau, would you mind telling me why we leave you with the ship for a few hours to return to an unshackled AI and the crew miss-“ 

“Miranda, I suggest you take your rant somewhere else.” Shepard murmured stiffly, but the tone was affective. Lawson’s mouth snapped shut and she turned on her heels, leaving the med bay immediately. The commander eyed her pilot, this was mostly her fault that he was so angry. She’d put off speaking to him about their past for too long and now it’s turned on its head. 

She was a coward, and a hypocrite. 

“I’m sorry, Joker.” 

The pilot’s head shot up, blinking in surprise. Of all the things he expected her to say, that wasn’t it. 

“What? Why are _you_ sorry?” 

“You’re right; it was a dumb move to take the whole team. But, I wasn’t expecting the Collectors to board us and kidnap the crew, give me a little slack here.” She blew out a breath, cheeks puffing out before taking one hand and rubbing her head. What a mess. “And I’m also sorry for acting like an asshole about being spaced.” 

Joker raised a brow, “Uh, with all due respect ma’am, that’s kind of your right.” 

“Maybe, but I forgave you a long time ago. I’m just acting like a kid and with this mission, I shouldn’t be holding grudges like that, I’m sorry.” Stunned, Joker just stared at her, the heavy weight of guilt lifting lightly off his shoulders. Shepard stepped closer to him, and wrapped her arms around the pilot, giving him the contact he didn’t realise he needed. 

“Don’t worry, Joker, we’ll get them back.” She laid her cheek against his shoulder, grinning at his stiff demeanour. She let go and turned away from him, busying herself with the Emergency Medical VI panel, flicking it on. Joker pulled his hat down, covering his eyes somewhat. 

“You know, commander, you need to read that e-mail Alenko sent you.” 

Shepard froze for a moment, a tight ball of worry digging itself into her; she forced her hands to move again, pressing a few buttons to scan Joker’s injuries. 

“And, how exactly would you know about that?” Her voice was carefully measured but Joker knew there was an edge to it he shouldn’t mess with, but this had to be done. If they were going to die tomorrow, Shepard deserved some closure too. 

“I know scuttlebutt, I have my ways.” 

She clapped her hands together lightly, clearing some dust before turning towards him, her eyes unreadable. “I don’t think my relationship, or should I say, lack thereof, is any of your conc-“ 

“It is, actually.” Joker sighed, looking down at his hands as they twisted. “You know, he lost it, when they opened my pod and you weren’t there. The whole area turned blue with his flare up, he crushed most of the pod I was in. Chakwas had to drug him into submission for the first six hours while we waited for Alliance to pick us up.” 

Shepard tried to swallow the lump in her throat, imagining Kaidan’s reaction – her heart squeezed with grief for him. 

“He broke his hand, got put on long term medical leave and he just... disappeared after your funeral. There was a rumour he went to Mindoir for a while and then moved into the apartment you won on Pinnacle Station.” 

****

“That’s why it’s best I don’t-“ she started but the look Joker gave her made her pause, he shook his head slowly. 

“What he said on Horizon was coming from a man who’s still grieving, who’s still buried up to his neck in work to avoid dealing with what he lost. He’s a broken man, Shepard and so are you.” 

“I’m not-“ 

“Yeah, you are.” Joker cut her off, his glare almost cutting through her. “I see you sometimes, walking around the ship, touching the Normandy like none of it is real and your actions lately – it’s like you stopped giving a shit about anything. As far as you’re concerned, you’re not coming back and that’s really... fucked up.” 

She raised a brow, “It wasn’t a secret this was a suicide mission, Jeff.” 

“I know that, but you’re not supposed to be okay with that. You’re supposed to be all guns blazing, shades glinting in the sun with a _fuck no_ attitude. You’re completely complacent about it,” he shrugged. “How are we supposed to even hope to get out of this if our own commander can’t be bothered to believe it? Are you even going to try to come out of this, Shepard?” 

She blinked. 

He was right. She’d just... accepted she wasn’t going to live past this so she’d left everything hanging, unwilling to give herself hope for a future of anything. She was certain she was just going to fade back into the depth of death she couldn’t be bothered to dredge up old history or old memories. 

She was dead, she didn’t deserve a happy ending, she already had an ending and it was so... anticlimactic. “It’s too late, Joker, Kaidan...” she bit her lip, the ache under her breastbone came back in full force. “He’s moved on without me. It’s not right for me to...” 

“Read his message, Shepard. Now get out of here, I need to let the VI take care of my fractures,” he turned away from her the best he could while laying down, the scan still bleeping in the background. 

“I’ll... get Mordin to come help you.” 

“Okay, see you around, Commander.” She nodded, her eyes haunted as she walked out of the med bay and made her way up to her cabin, “EDI, get Solus to the medbay and start preparations for the jump once Joker is in the clear, we have a crew to take back home.” 

“Acknowledged, Commander.” 

The elevator moved up the floors, her thoughts swirling before arriving at her floor and made her way to her desk. She sat down at the terminal and flicked it on, her inbox still blinking with the one unread message. 

She gathered her courage and clicked it open, her eyes warming with unshed tears as his voice filled her cabin – she could hear it there in the raw, his regret, his grief and just a small hint of maybe. She looked over to his picture, her index reaching out to touch the curve of his jaw tenderly. She _missed_ him. 

It was all she needed, really, despite their broken relationship, this was what she needed to give herself the want to live past this mission, to give her the much needed drive to save those she cared for. Maybe, she could allow herself to hope, just a little. 


	58. LVII. Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2185 CE - Collector's Base

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My edited version of Words posted on FF.net, it fit with this canon so, so very well.

Shepard shifted, groaned silently when the loose rocks dug through the cracks of her armour and bit at the dense material. She lay on her back, eyes screwed shut to fend off the wave of nausea that washed through her. She paused, unwilling to move further until the world stopped spinning. 

_‘Or at least once this rock stops spinning,’_ she mused bitterly. 

She dared not move, her brain felt rattled and she wasn't sure if everything was alright just then because her synapses seems to have scrambled and wandered into the past. _He_ began speaking inside her head - the low rumble of his voice created an unwelcomed ache in the hollow of her chest and suddenly, it was all she could think of. Despite it all, despite the chaos that raged and tore at everything around her in this instant, her mind had a momentary disconnect. 

Her memory focused on _his mouth_. 

Shepard sighed as she allowed herself to listen once again to her memory where each inviting sound escaping his languid lips lapped at her sorrow. The sharp prick of need sliced through the ache of her tired muscles when the words he spoke dripped, fell silently like water at her feet. She comforted herself with the thought of the vibrations of his voice against the imbued chaos that always swallowed her whole. 

Shepard wiggled her toes, then her fingers - her mind's eye wandered once more on her fascination with the one man she allowed to let herself love, to cherish. 

__

Her mind lingered on _his lips_ and how they _always_ moved flawlessly. 

Always moved confidently across each verb and complex conjugation with such ease it had immediately caught her attention the second time she met the man. She couldn't get enough of them - these syllables that glided and tripped across his mouth, capturing her full and undivided attention. Shepard felt the curl of a smile grace her stubborn mouth - he would never know how much she relied on the memory of these words to stay grounded in this hellish mission. 

She stretched her shoulders, working them back out of their stiffness, thinking of when things had begun to change for her, for him... For them. 

His words had enveloped her, surrounded her very core with complicated feelings she didn't understand at the time. They stilled the beast inside of her that always itched for violence. They had stumbled painfully across her soul, dripped into her mind like a strange drug she couldn't go without. And it was _because_ of that strange feeling, this foreign sensation that unsettled her that she would oftentimes find herself at his station, talking to him just so he would speak. The lieutenant had always been willing to indulge her curiosity over his biotics, in fact – he’d always mention she was the first person who had asked to simply _learn_. 

When she would appear, data pad in hand with some research or myth on biotics, he would smile, smirk and sometimes outright laugh at her outlandish discoveries but he would sit down patiently and open her eyes to an entirely different world. He would always use large and complicated words that made her gaze drop down to his lips, she was thrilled to hear them, watching the fine muscle of his mouth work out the tempo and syllables slowly as she watched. Shepard didn’t know but he knew why she always came to see him. He felt the same when she discussed the finer mechanics of her omni-tool or the latest engineering wonder to apply to her infiltration skills. He felt the same about her and couldn’t get enough of that sparkle in her eye that took far too long to return. 

Shepard snapped the vertebrae in her neck, repressing an oncoming headache and she tried not let out another sigh laced with an ached to hear it again. His logic, his opinion on the current situation she had successfully cornered herself in. 

She hated it when her mind was chaotic. 

It was restless and unrefined against the battle she had forcefully brought to this solitary cube of space. The heavy realisation that she felt lost without the rhythmic resonance of his _words_ was dragging her self-doubt in the open and she was having trouble pushing it back down to the darkest depth of her memory. 

Where was her legendary control? Where did her ability to compartmentalised and analyse her emotions at another time, go? That bastard had taken it away, flipped it around and turned her into a mindless teenage girl. 

She groaned, apologizing to him silently for calling him a bastard and contradicting her own comparison to a teenage girl. At 16, she had been anything but mindless. She shouldn’t be belittling those she loves just because of frustration; she chided herself before daring to open her eyes. The large and oppressing chamber was still there, snorting with disbelief she muttered _Oh good, this is actual reality and not a nightmare_ under her breath. 

Swallowing back the bile that threatened to take over her mouth, she pushed herself upright. Her left shoulder throbbed from her impact against the rock but it was minor compared to the uncomfortable feel of her mind firing fragments of memory that continued to pour out of the past. 

Why now? Why _this_ moment to flood her senses with regret and nostalgia? She rose to her feet, pushed away the confusion while adjusting her weapons on her back. _Now isn't the time, Shepard._ She forged on forward in the depth of her enemy's base. 

"Status?" Her voice crackled across the communicators, strained but still powerful with command. One, two, three seconds pass and a foreboding silence continued to greet her. She nibbled her lower lip with a frown but eventual groans and grunts tickled her ears. 

Relief spread across her face in the confines of her helmet but the silence had captured her memory's attention. 

It wasn't the first time the lack of sound had made her nervous but there was a time when it was everything she had needed, especially from _him_. His unspoken words were always the most powerful; especially when she sat next to him in the Mako. It was usually the most entertaining. His ashen face would always make her grin when she decided the mountain _could be driven over_ , despite the eighty-nine degree angle that had him gasp in worry - white knuckled death grip and everything. 

His silence was always noisy, always loud in her ears. 

She had entirely attuned herself to everything that he was. She was intimately familiar with everything that he was, all that was unspoken with his mouth, his eyes and his body. He could never be silent, even if he wanted to. 

She shook her head, shaking herself free of the past - the group moved to the next area. _Damn, another closed gate_. 

"Tali, take the tunnel and break through, we'll meet you on the other side. Second team with Garrus, let’s clear out." She ordered, her tone far more steady then she felt - chaos, fear and the constant strum of unsteady confidence threaten to overwhelm her at any moment. 

But Kaidan was _still speaking_ inside her mind. 

His words had changed over time, Shepard thought - she knew it was because of the complicated feeling she didn’t recognize back then. They had become softer, _secret_ and always caressed everything they touched around her. He spoke these electric words _only to her_ and she couldn't understand why they made her want to reach across the empty space between them and grasp them delicately. She wanted to carry them in her pocket, couldn't deny the juvenile need to reference them in a later conversation due in the middle of the night, usually over a game of cards or even over a bite of his endless biotic appetite. 

It wasn't until the day Williams died she understood _why_ these words were so important, so _life saving_. 

"Collectors, at your two, Shepard." Garrus broke through her thoughts, his voice grave with concern as it crackled into the communicator, she eyed the beasts and activated her shield and disappeared. Her movements were silent and honed into perfection as she pulled out her Widow and found the perfect perch. 

She caught Jack’s attention, her shield fizzling long enough for the biotic to see her motion for a pull towards the closest Collectors. The biotic grinned and flared a beautiful blue that always took Shepard’s breath away. It was messy, loud and chaotic. Aggressive and unforgiving, just like Jack. As the collector floated helplessly, she took aim with her sniper, steadied the shot and took it out with a clean hit to the head. 

The Lieutenant had discovered early on that his Commander was very interested in his powers because of her oldest sister, who had just been fitted with the L1s for a short time before her passing and had never really explored what a biotic could do. Of course, Shepard mused, it didn’t help that she had a fascination with his complex sentence structures. 

Since her sister’s powers had manifested, Ember had been more concerned with _how to blow shit up_ than anything else, but he had piqued Shepard’s interest in how the powers really worked under his spectacular control. Shepard would sit with him, inside her room or at the mess, and discuss various schematics on his L2 implants and the latest studies available to increase the power output. 

Before she knew it, Shepard fell in love with the sound of _gravity, mass effect_ and _singularity_ coming from his perfect lips and she couldn't stop the momentum. It didn't help her growing obsession when she thrived to hear them more often and she would read up on everything he spoke of. Anything to keep up with their conversations, any opportunity to greedily lap at his words was justified. A prompt to speak longer and in far more detail than needed was always a win-win situation. 

" _Shepard!_ It's hot in here!" Tali's voice was bordering on panic. The Commander felt the adrenaline rush through her veins in response and began to shoot faster, if not more accurately. 

"Hold on Tali, almost there!" 

Her shoulder recoiled against the blast of her sniper; she smirked when the slug sloshed through the collector and dropped him solidly to the ground in a smouldering fire. She winced at strain of her muscles as she leaped over obstacles, rushed across platforms to vent out the heat that was killing her tech specialist. 

All at once, everyone on her team began to speak, yelling and even question the decision to send in the Quarian into the vents. Tali emerged from behind the doors, barely creating a pause for the team to take a breath before the sounds collided again, and arguing as Shepard watched Tali. She would almost feel her friend's grin behind the purple mask. 

__

_Safe, thank goodness_ . 

The Commander was swept up by the sudden chaos of everyone, her control loosening and a resounding _Shut up!_ slipped out of her mouth, quieting her crew. It triggered another memory that she had carefully tucked away. A memory she used on those days when she needed to remember she was _human_ and not a Cerberus android. 

__

_Shut up, Lieutenant, and come here._

Her imperfect and broken lips had crashed against his perfect ones. It was their first real kiss - heated and desperate - struggling to come into maturity under the endless stream of pressure that could easily destroy their budding relationship. 

She was _sure_ this particular kiss was stealing away his words and that she would later wake from this _incredible_ adventure and speak in a new language which had imprinted itself into her mouth. His touch against her skin whispered promises she held on to, even now, through their silent and explosive love making. She easily recalled how his mouth moved expertly against her own; his fingers burned unspoken words she clearly understood for the first time since this game had begun. 

Her name had spilled, broken on his lips from his pleasure. The gentle warmth of his voice cracked like lightning, electrifying her senses into an oblivion she had never experienced with someone before. He had rendered her speechless with his quiet confessions, the intensity of his emotion promptly made her forget to carefully place every sound she swallowed from him away. 

And then... 

Shepard frowned, the memory had become suddenly unpleasant. 

Her name had sounded entirely different on the communicator when the Normandy had died. When _she_ had died, leaving him alone in the cold darkness of space with the echo of his beautiful words falling on deaf ears. 

__

_Her name had sounded broken with grief_ . 

Shepard focused her attention on Miranda, pushing the memory away that she still didn’t believe belonged to her. This woman had woken her from the grips of death but she had thrown her into the claws of an endless nightmare that only one man could soothe. 

All the voices that surrounded her since then were hollow, devoid of colour and life. 

She only wanted one voice, only wanted... 

"Seeker swarms, Shepard. We need a biotic to form a shield to protect a team that will go through the chamber." Miranda looked at her expectantly, Shepard narrowed her eyes. 

A Biotic... There's only _one_ biotic she wanted next to her in this insane mission but _he wasn't here_. She missed the sound of his omni-tool beeping to life when he calculated the possibility of survival, his goofy tactical input and _no contacts_. She liked watching him hack into everything in sight, it had been a game they played to break the monotonous missions, not because they needed every credit and possible weapon upgrade to survive a suicide mission. 

Hers. He was _her_ biotic and the only one she ever wanted to rely on. 

"Jack, you're with me." Shepard reloaded her thermal clips, frowning when the foreign feel of Jack's biotics surrounded them in a protective barrier while they moved through the room filled with Seekers. The last time she felt _his_ biotics was when he lost the tiniest bit of control in the throes of lust during shore leave, a few days before... 

__

_Now isn't the time_ , she thought as she shot down the oncoming husk, moments before it could breach the barrier Jack carefully supported. An abomination lurked in the background - Shepard shuddered but Jack's swearing snapped her out of her fears, rising in volume as Subject Zero strained under the attack of the robotic insects. 

__

_Empty, colourless words_ , Shepard thought, despite their colourful nature. 

Chaos, destruction lay behind them - one moment of fear gripped Shepard as Jack tripped, lost the shield but they were almost through. The door slid shut, locking behind them. The Commander bent down, helping Jack to her feet while the troubled woman tried to shake the grip of fear from the pit of her stomach. 

" _Fuck_ I hate Husks, shit!" she was out of breath and still glowed an eerie blue that only reminded Shepard of _him_. 

Miranda's voice cut through her thick and unrelenting memory. 

"Shepard, you need to see this." 

The Commander placed her weapon into the holster on her back, quickly moved up the few steps that separated her from the rest of the crew. Something had Miranda's complete attention. 

Shepard's step faltered, and she stopped in her tracks. 

__

_"Shit."_

Not exactly the best word she could find, but it was the best that suited her emotion. 

Pods lined the walls of the cave, thousands upon thousands hummed in silence. Her eyes quickly skimmed the area, her gaze landing on those nearest them. 

A familiar face. 

"Kelly's in there." She pointed at one, and then noticed more people in the other pods. 

__

_Shit, were these_ all _humans?_

"Are the colonists from Horizon here too?" Tali asked off-hand, her three fingers tested the flexibility of the container, as though she was trying to figure out how to get the crew out without it being messy. Her omni-tool sprung to life. 

__

_Horizon_ . 

The word slammed into Shepard's psyche like a misfired singularity. 

She tried to push away the memory but it came at her, hot and filled with unspoken regret. His voice, his words flooded her mind and she couldn't help but shudder. Her whole world had coloured when she had seen him come around that container - _Alive, he's not on the Collector ship, thank the Maker_. 

Her relief made her blind to his mood. 

Her eyes fell directly onto his lips, anticipating their sounds but there was something wrong with his mouth. His perfect pout was strained, curled in the wrong direction and his eyes were devoid of warmth and bore into her with some unknown emotion he usually directed at something unpleasant. 

The words, when they finally spilled from between the perfection of his lips produced a sound that had _hurt_. 

It hurt _both_ of them. 

The way the words fell from his mouth, each syllable broken with jagged edges that scraped across the empty space between them like nails across a proverbial chalk board. They were said without restraint and she couldn’t help but notice when her gaze met his that he was _dying_. She could see it clearly and she wanted nothing more than stop time and re-group, to start this over – to stop the hollow ache forming in her chest. 

__

_Traitor._

__

_Betrayal._

__

_Loved._

Shepard felt herself sink into the center of the planet. She wanted to explain the truth, her death, but the discord of his words had misaligned her expectations from fantasy, emotion and reality. Suddenly the ramifications of what Cerberus had truly done to her had never been clearer. 

She wanted to gather up his broken words from the ground into her small and shaking hands. She wanted to put them back together and beg for his forgiveness. She wanted to say the all the right thing so he would stop looking so pained, so lost, so broken. She would have done _anything_ to stop the awful horrid sounds that were crushing both their hearts. 

But, whenever she spoke, the words _wouldn't come out right_. Every time she tried to explain, her careful thought-out reasons would stick to the inside of her mouth and wedge themselves between her teeth. The pain that lumped into her chest would weigh down her tongue to the point where she was sure only silence or stupidity was allowed to be processed by her brain. 

__

_Not now, not now!_ She screamed inside her mind. His unforgiving scowl, the furrowed brows of disbelief were clouding every imagining in an instant. She almost didn't hear the strange hissing and gargling sound coming from the pods. 

"Get them out, quickly!" Shepard shouted when she noticed something alarming about one colonist. She was _melting_ inside the pod. The Commander stared for barely a moment, her shock kicking her free of her dissonant reunion with her lover. The colonist's muffled screams tore through Shepard but it was too late.  
  


_He could have died here..._ she thought fearfully when one body spilled out of the pod, bodily fluids splashed on her feet and numbed her into a stupor she had to push away. Despite everything, she still cared for him and she was sure he still cared for her. She couldn't blame him, she probably would have reacted the same way if they were in opposite situations. 

Chaos erupted after her team freed the Normandy crew from their pods. The stench of blood and flesh lingered and clung to her armour and the inside of Shepard's brain. Quickly, she assigned Mordin to take the crew back to the ship and to guard them there. 

She took a moment to breathe and eyed her surroundings, narrowing her gaze when they fell onto the platforms. She needed long ranged weapons or biotics. The sounds of Collectors buzzed around them, she felt a chill when Harbinger's voice echoed around them. 

__

_Don't lose your nerve now_ . 

"Miranda, Garrus, you're with me." She was surprised how her voice seemed so steady coming out of her mouth. She was sure everyone could see her shaking. "Everyone else, hold the line and stay alive." Shepard stood up, stepped on one of the platforms and headed towards the center of the base to ready the charges. She needed to finish this mission and head home to _him_ , even if it was a hopeless situation. 

__

_Well, if I survive a suicide mission, getting Kaidan back should be a walk in the park, right?_

__

_You keep telling yourself that, Skipper._ Shepard felt the tang of regret when Ash's voice laughed across her thoughts. She dipped her head down, eye flush against the scope as she aimed. Blue flares of biotics tugged at her sight, memory igniting and suddenly the empty spaces were filled with his fighting posture as her small cell brought down the horde of Collectors swarming them from various platforms. 

They were efficient, deadly in precision. No bullet wasted. But, things never went smoothly. Her eyes tried to focus on the large shape in the distance. Whatever it was, it wasn't good news, if she trusted the dread in her gut. She pulled her M-920 Cain from its holster, flicked it on and waited patiently for it to warm up. 

__

_Shit. Is that thing shaped like a human?_

Shepard stared in horror at this abomination as she realised that this is where all her brethren had ended up and they quickly figured out that it was hell-bent on destroying them. 

Shepard struggled to keep her team together – the Cain was still warming, taking it's time. _Nuclear-like fusion wasn't something that could be instantly available_ , she reminded herself every time she aimed and tried to pump the trigger to release its _hell-in-a-bullet_. They shot down the tubes that processed every missing human into its cybernetics, the Reaper fell and she was surprised she didn't have to introduce her team to _her favourite toy_. 

Another day, perhaps? A heaving sound, snaps and the ground shook. _Nope_. Shepard stood unsteadily, took aim at the third eye in its forehead when its head popped up from below the platform. She resisted the urge to say _Hasta la vista_. 

She fired. 

The recoil took her by surprise - the floor was far too unsteady to manage a good footing and she fell backwards on her ass. 

She laughed, from her awkward position on the ground; she was remembering when she had casually mentioned to _him_ that _they would need bigger guns_ to take down the Thorian. _The Cain_ was probably not what he would have been referring to, but he would have approved - maybe even laughed it up with her, had he been here. 

The thought sobered her up seconds before her hearing stopped buzzing from the loud explosion of a small nuclear bomb getting eaten by the reaper's mouth. 

Shepard flicked the Cain on a second time - blinking a blank stare at Miranda when her incessant screeching finally reached her. 

" ** _Are you insane? What the fuck is that thing? You're going to get us all killed!_** _"_

Shepard only smirked and fired it again before the Human Reaper recovered. She wouldn't deny that watching Miranda's perfect face pale in horror as she dashed to hide behind something, she wouldn’t deny that it amused her to no end. It was the first time she had managed to take the woman by surprise. 

Garrus, on the other hand, only grunted. 

She could almost see him rolling his eyes, muttering under his breath that _Commander Fucking Shepard liked her exploding toys a little bit too much._ And she would be inclined to agree with his assessment. 

This time, she didn't fall back on her ass, but the humanoid reaper certainly fell on _his_. And it was _glorious_. 

She watched it fall down the shaft of the large ship, she frowned and wondered if she should count the seconds it takes for it to hit the bottom but she decided against it. They were still alive and wasting precious time to see how deep the endless abyss was would probably tempt fate to drag her back into death. 

Shepard wondered what Kaidan would say right about now as she pushed the explosion charges inside their allotted target. But her musings were first interrupted by the Illusive Man and then the Harbinger's persistent and resonate voice that hammered through her skull. 

She denied them both the satisfaction of victory and set the charges, only to fall when the base shook from all the suffered destruction at the hand of Commander Shepard. 

Scowling, the she was the first to recover, dragged her team through the remainder of the base towards the waiting Normandy. She tried to ignore the ugly invasion of the alien words inside her mind. 

She wouldn't allow their ugliness to imprint themselves; there was only _one voice_ that was allowed to torture her. 

More collectors, more empty words - her resolve would not be shaken. She was getting out of here. She would _not allow_ anything to prevent her from watching his lips again. Nothing would prevent her from kissing that perfection with her own imperfection. 

Nothing. 

Nothing would keep her from trying with all her might to set him straight and to see just how stupid they both are but before she could even finish her new resolve, she tripped. Her body struck the ground hard, notching her omni-tool, flaring it to life and she felt a strong jolt of electricity run through her – her shield shorted out, burning the flesh of her arm. 

She was stunned, tingling with pain but for a moment, the tiniest second that despair had slipped inside her mind while she watched a collector approach her while she lay helplessly unmoving on the ground, she heard it. 

__

_Shepard_ , _get up_. 

His encouragement from all those years ago sparked a new adrenaline rush from deep within her; she rose up from her intended grave and quickly dispatched her enemy. She focused on Kaidan’s voice; it still held that silent whispered promise from the night before she died, before their world was torn apart by Cerberus. 

She felt her aching, tired body renew its fight for survival. 

She had to survive this, had to make the jump to the Normandy. 

She had to hear his words again and find her place by his side once more. 

She leaped. 


	59. LVIII. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Earth, Alliance HQ: Detention Center

Things were _awkward_ , if she dared to say so herself, as she twisted her wrists inside the restraints, ignoring the looks and whispers from the people walking by her in the halls. 

She narrowed her eyes while her thoughts wandered back to the last few weeks of her trials: after the initial inquests found her to be the true Commander Shepard thanks to Lawson’s efforts, she was immediately arrested and formally charged for deserting the Navy and working with a terrorist organisation. As part of her arrest, she had been cut off from the outside world and had to be restrained whenever she left the... _open door cell_ in the detention center of the Alliance HQ. 

_'Pretty ridiculous,'_ she snorted at the concept in general. Was she a prisoner or a guest? She couldn't leave, but they couldn't jail her, really. She waved off the rest of her thoughts, positive they were just going to go into an endless circle and huffed out a sigh, catching her jailer's attention, which brought her attention to another awkward thing she was handling in an excessively poor manner. 

She rolled her eyes irritably at the situation she found herself in. 

James had changed roles dramatically - escort to jailer. They had both sort of looked at each other when the orders came down and it wasn't helping matters when he nearly apologised every single time he had to cuff her, but she'd just shrugged him off. 

It wasn't his fault, so why was he sorry? 

She was more pissed about the fact that Anderson had disappeared from the surface of existence, leaving her out to dry and out of the loop. Kaidan on the other hand... well she didn't really want to think about _him_. He had stirred up all kinds of suppressed feelings when she saw him at her initial trial when she first returned to Earth. He had to stand as a witness for Horizon and his encounter with the Collectors and weigh in on her claims that _the Reapers were coming_. 

She scoffed, her tongue still rolling over the words; they had made it sound so... outrageous. Worse still, even though he had smiled and greeted her openly at a distance, a simple hand shake sparked between them – or so she thought. He didn’t seem affected. He may have gotten really good at hiding his emotions over the last three years he’d been out of her sight... still it didn’t excuse the fact that he hadn't even _tried_ to contact her since then. 

_Then again, Shep,_ she thought, _you didn’t answer his e-mail either._

Shepard scratched at the non-existing scar across her nose, ignoring the little voice of reason that was screaming she was _making assumptions_ , that she was accusing him of things that didn't really happen. _No one_ was allowed to contact her, as per the rules and obligations of her incarceration and they wouldn't even have told her if he had made any attempts. 

_'Still, he could have just... thrown a rock at my fucking window, let me know he was trying.'_ She was openly scowling with her childish outburst when James turned to let her into her room and remove the restraints. He raised a brow, curious at the unusual display of emotion across her face. 

"Commander?" Snapping out of her thoughts, she blinked at him. 

"You can't call me that James, I'm relieved of duty and my rank was stripped." She reminded him, for the _thousandth_ time. He shrugged, placing the cuffs on his belt while she moved past him and into her room. He flicked the barrier on that ran across the empty space of the door, not that it would keep her in there if she really wanted to get out. 

"Yeah, well, you’re still an N7 and a SPECTRE. We both know the Alliance is full of bullshit." He smirked; she gave him a side long glance, but didn't reciprocate the feeling. She marched over to her window and leaned against it, watching the people go about their day, unaware of the dark threat of the Reapers looming from the depth of space. 

She couldn't ignore the deep-seated feeling of urgency screaming in every muscle of her body and the regurgitating fact that she was failing to save Earth \- her knowledge of the threat and her adamant warnings were still wrapped up in bureaucracy and red tape. It was exactly like what Anderson had warned her on the Citadel when she first woke up on the wrong side of reality. 

_'This is hell.'_ Her lips pressed together almost painfully, trying hard to cap the feeling of desperation that was itching to make her do something drastic so that the review board would get off their ass and listen to her. 

_She wasn't insane._

She eyed the ground below while her hand rubbed along the velvet of her short crew cut and noticed that it was a good one hundred feet up. She sighed, knowing full well that Kaidan wouldn't have been able to throw a rock up here without some crazy biotic flaring that would have attracted all kinds of attention. She rubbed her temple, guilt pricking the back of her neck for a moment, apologising to him. 

"What was the question, Vega?" She turned from the sun, her hip perched itself against the window while she crossed her arms. Vega sifted from one foot to the next; there was something unnerving about the commander when she looked aloof or far too calm. 

He knew better. 

He'd read her file, watched all the vids he could get his hands on to understand his charge and still, nothing could have prepared him - the real thing was an unknown. "Is there something on your mind? You're doing a lot of scowling, grumbling and glaring." He tried to keep his tone professional, but his curious worry was evident. He felt a nervous twinge when she continued to stare at him; clearing his throat - he shifted again. 

"Yeah, I do actually," she puckered her lips in thought, "but it's nothing you can help me with, LT." Shepard uncrossed her arms and perched herself at the edge she was sitting on, giving him a poignant look. 

"I might surprise you." Vega shrugged, she rolled her eyes. 

"Unless you answer to Kaidan Alenko and fit in your BDUs like sex on wheels, Vega..." She let her words trail off, watching a blush crawl up his neck, smirking at his reaction; it looked like the lieutenant was easily flustered. 

"Uh, no ma'am." He rubbed the back of his neck, looking everywhere but at the Commander. 

"What? Not into role-play, Vega? I'm surprised." She sighed in mock disappointment just to watch him flush, clearly uncomfortable. He shook his head strongly, backing away from the room. She shrugged. "Then no, you can't help me." She pushed off the ledge and headed towards her bed to unceremoniously plop herself into it, face down into the pillows. James saluted her with a respect, to her irritation, and left her without another word. 

She watched the open mouth of her cell, barrier flicking with energy, and frowned. The urge to flare up her Omni-tool to short out the damned thing was powerful in her boredom, but she refrained, not wanting to cause more trouble than she already found herself in. How much longer were they going to ignore her? She closed her eyes, frowning - she felt completely helpless, waiting for the inevitable. 


	60. LIX. Breathe Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Earth, Alliance HQ: Detention Center

Shepard sat up groggily, smacking her lips together to clear the dryness that had settled inside her mouth. "Still sleeping like a classy lady, Shep," she murmured, her attention dragging itself to the window. She felt a little disoriented, not used to napping so damned much in her entire military career. Then again, she had a two year sleep... she shrugged, pushing the thought away, trying to gauge the time from the light outside. The sun was still high in the sky from what she could tell, despite the overcast clouds of Vancouver. 

She stood up, stretching before grabbing another data pad to review, her eyes on the horizon where she noticed a boy playing with a plane. The edges of a smile played on her lips as she leaned against the window, wondering where this kid's parents were. 

"Commander." 

Shepard looked over her shoulder, frowning, "Vega, for the last time-" 

"No time for playful reprimand ma'am, the defense committee wants to see you right away." She raised a brow, dropping the data pad on her bed and put out her arms to be shackled but when she looked up, Vega was already stepping out the door, his step fast through the crowd. 

"What's happening? This sounds serious-" her questions cut short when he waved them off. Vega opened his mouth to tell her he didn't know anything - he needed to pick her up and that was it but Shepard had already walked past him, her posture stiffened to attention when Anderson stepped out to meet them. 

"Anderson?" disbelief laced her voice, he merely nodded and grabbed her gently by the elbow. 

"Walk with me, Shepard." 

"What's going on?" 

"Hackett is mobilizing the fleet-" He didn't have time to finish his sentence; Shepard had stopped in her tracks at the bottom of the stairs, her glare almost burning a hole between his shoulder blades. 

"The Reapers?" 

Anderson stopped walking, eyeing her - no point in softening the blow, she'd been screaming reapers for years. 

"Not sure, but I'm leaning that way." 

"Shit, Anderson - we're not _anywhere_ near ready!" 

"I know that, Shepard." He turned back, briskly going up the stairs. Shepard let out an angry grumble, following her old commanding officer through the busy halls. People were practically running into each other, she could see shuttles and ships flying towards the port. She bickered a little more with Anderson, who waved her off, he was in the same boat, feeling the same frustrations. He'd spent years pushing only to be shoved back and ridiculed. 

And now... Anderson sighed, walking through the doors leading to the lobby of the defence committee, an area Shepard had become very familiar with over the last few months. The Admiral looked up, and felt relief when he saw one of his best operatives head towards him. 

Kaidan walked out of the room rubbing his temple in frustration, _'Idiots. No wonder Shepard was still stuck in this Maker forsaken place, they couldn't tie their shoe laces-'_

"Anderson?" Kaidan blinked at the Admiral's sudden appearance, he hadn't expected to see him this soon since they had made arrangements to meet later that afternoon. There was a movement behind his commanding officer and his eyes fell on _her_. Shepard's brows were arched high in surprise. 

"Shepard?" 

"Major Alenko, how did it go in there?" Anderson seemed relieved to see him. Kaidan grew worried at the thought, evidence pointing towards something big happening if he was leading Shepard to the committee. 

"As expected," Kaidan sighed, watching Shepard from the corner of his eye, she was openly frowning. 

"Major?" she said breathlessly. The second she saw him, the ground had tilted from under her feet - the breath she'd been holding seem to have released all at once; he was a Major now, it was starting to make sense why she hadn't heard from him. 

"Yeah," Kaidan's hand rubbed the back of his neck for a moment, looking down at her feet while trying to think of what else to say. "Sorry Commander, things have been..." he trailed off, not sure how to explain why he'd been MIA in the last six months. When he heard she'd turned herself in after the Collectors were blown all to hell, he'd tried to get in contact with her but she was completely cut off from outside contact. Even with his connections he'd been turned away repeatedly. 

"I'm not a commander anymore, Kaid-" 

"You didn't know?" Anderson scoffed, cutting off Shepard. She shook her head, her eyes still drinking in his presence. Despite their growing misunderstandings, she still relished the simple feeling his presence alone brought her. Even now, after the years separating them, he was a steady, quiet power and how he managed to bring everything into perspective in just an instant, without even meaning to. 

She still _missed_ him despite all the things she'd told herself otherwise. 

"No, I didn't know. Congratulations, Kaidan, you deserve it. I'm glad I ran into you," she side stepped around him, her smile barely flirting with her lips. _Keep it professional, Shepard._ She pushed away the deep seeded pang of regret that threatened to take over while Anderson beckoned her to enter the meeting room with the flick of his wrist. 

She quickly glanced over her shoulder and saw Vega ask Kaidan a question, the Major's eyes never left hers and his reply was lost in the crowd of people. She finally broke eye contact when she entered the room and faced the defense committee, unaware that the end of the world was about to begin. 


	61. LX. Fairy Tale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Earth, Defense Committee

_Fuck._

The bright red beam cut through the window - Shepard's warnings went unheeded as she turned and ran seconds before the whole room was ripped apart. The blast was deafening and hot against her skin as she flew back across the room - her back ramming hard against the wall and knocking her stupid for a moment. 

"Shepard?" Anderson's voice was a distant rumble, the floor shook as the Reaper moved its target beam somewhere else – she heard more explosions and the _screams_. _Shit, the city..._ She shook herself free of glass, her hand rubbing her temple as she propped herself up on her elbow and waited for a second for her eyes to adjust to the strange light. She soon realised it wasn't a strange light at all but the entire room was on _fire_ , decimated by the Reaper's beam. 

The high pitched ringing in her ears subsided as Anderson reached down and pulled her to her feet, handing her a weapon. She winced as she gripped the handle of the carnifex - her hands were burned enough for her to be concerned, would she even be able to use them? 

She touched her ear again, wincing at the pain before moving forward, Anderson already near the window, speaking on his communicator. She staggered a bit, looking around - the bodies of the defense committee were strewn about, the lingering smell of burning flesh churning her stomach. 

She'd _warned_ them! 

Leaning down, she flipped the bald man over, checking his pulse but there was nothing. She rubbed her chin with the back of her hand, looking towards Anderson. 

"Alenko, you're going to have to raise the Normandy, I can't do it from here. You have the clearance needed to get Joker, we'll meet you at the space port." 

Shepard swallowed, the coopery taste of blood in her mouth all too familiar. _Kaidan was on his way to the Normandy_ , she felt her heart squeezed - he was _okay_. She took in a breath, standing up to join Anderson. She looked up towards the sky - there was fire raining down towards earth. 

She frowned, wondering what could potentially cause such an event but her thoughts were distracted by a shuttle screeching by. There was another _bwooong_ sound from the Reaper ahead of them that shook the ground, its laser cutting through the city and onto the port. 

She stood, on the edge of the broken windows, narrowing her eyes as she took in the sight surrounding her. The grey sky was darkening, the reaper numbers increasing as they broke through the clouds. This was it, Earth was finally under attack - she'd failed to prepare them but, facing them now, was there even a proper way to even do that? Had she been naive to think they could have fought them off? She fisted her hands, despair and frustration kneading her thoughts. 

How are you supposed to prepare for something this _huge_? 

**_We fight, or we die_** . 

_Brave words, Shepard_ but this wasn't a fairy tale, _this_ was legend and myth becoming reality, and it was the end of days. 

"Kaidan? Damn - cut off." Anderson shook his head; he took one long glance towards the reaper and mumbled something she didn't hear. As she hopped off the edge of the window, following him into the chaos while listening to Kaidan fight his way through with Vega, she couldn't help but wonder... 

_How was she supposed to defeat the messengers of death?_


	62. LXI. Are You Challenging Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Earth, Normandy SR-2

Shepard slipped her dog tags around her neck, watching the Normandy bay doors shut until she couldn’t see Anderson’s shuttle anymore. Her gut was twisting in fear and despair at the realisation that she had _failed_. Her shoulders slumped against the invisible weight of the guilt, the shame of it all. 

She turned briskly, her step fast across the metallic floor and she focused her gaze on Kaidan, who busied himself with checking the weapons depot and gear. Her mind pushed away the bone shattering worry she experienced rushing to the Normandy, listening to him ducking the attack with Vega. Her body was still filled with adrenaline and before she could relay the orders to him, Vega grabbed her arm and spun her around with barely controlled fury. 

Kaidan narrowed his eyes when the action of the lieutenant caught his attention in his peripheral view, his hand stilling over the assault rifle, observing the argument. 

"What the fuck are we doing, Shepard?" Vega growled, his fingers tightening around her elbow. She remained still, her mind quickly assessing the best way to deal with the large muscular man. "What happened to Anderson?" 

There was a heart beat that filled the silence, Kaidan's jaw stiffened, recognising that Shepard was deciding what to do to diffuse the situation. She pried the Lieutenant's fingers from her arm, her chin raised a notch and her glare cut through the large man, who stepped back in surprise, not expecting her reaction. 

"It's _Commander_ , and Anderson ordered us to the Citadel to get support from the Council, which I was about to relay to the Major." She pointed to Kaidan, who straightened unconsciously. 

"This is bullshit, Commander." He gritted between his teeth, her glare met his inch per inch in stubbornness and Vega didn't know it yet, but there was no way he was going to win against her. "We need to go back, turn this fucking ship around-" 

Shepard’s whole body tensed, her anger rolling in waves – her frustration reaching its limit and suddenly she wasn’t the small woman, she was a full blown Commander and her presence took over the entire hangar. Her index poked him once in the chest hard enough to make Vega wince in pain, her blue eyes a brilliant with emotion, lips pulled back in a snarl that even made Kaidan nervous. 

"We're going to the Citadel as _ordered._ " Her quiet reply forced Vega to balk, still refusing to back down but Kaidan could see him begin to question his actions. "This shit is bigger than your fucking pride Vega, so you either fall in line or I throw you out the airlock before we hit space so you can fall back down to earth and _help._ ” 

James took a few steps back, his hands thrown up in the air before spinning on his heels, swearing a vicious streak before Shepard continued her determined trek towards Kaidan. She stopped in front of him, her hip leaning against the table he was working on and they both stared hard at each other, unsure how to react to their sudden forced reunion to work together. 

Shepard needed to take control of the situation and the chain of command was there for a reason - she followed the non-existent scar across her nose, catching Kaidan's attention. His breath hitched in recognition of the unconscious nervous tick. 

"Major, our orders are to head to the Citadel, and obtain a meeting with the council to obtain aid in our-" she started, her mind going over protocols, pushing away her relief, her confusion and fears over her former lover in a tight lidded container. This wasn’t the time. 

"Shepard," the rich velvet of his voice snapped her out of _Commander Mode_ , "there's nothing else you could have done here." She blinked, confused for a moment, her jaw clenching in order to control the emotion he was pulling at. 

"Kaidan, I..." she swallowed, her eyes focused on his lips, trying to justify to herself all the deaths and her failure. Before he could say anything else, she shook herself and pulled her face back into a mask. Something familiar, something controlled she reminded herself- Kaidan's brows knitted together slightly, recognizing the tale-tale signs she was pushing everything away again. 

"Commander, Hackett is on the line." 

Shepard blinked, her eyes clouding over with an emotion Kaidan was relieved to see, "Joker?" disbelief warred with relief and walked towards the vid panels \- she eyed Kaidan, suddenly remembering he was the superior here and she was under his command. 

He shrugged, reading her mind. 

"I'm sure Hackett is looking to speak with _you_ , this is _your_ ship Shepard and he doesn't know I'm on here." She worried her lip for a moment, nodding at his action of handing command to her once again and turned towards the screen, engrossing herself in the conversation. Kaidan watched her work, his mind still reeling with questions. They needed to talk - they needed to do a lot of things. He sighed, watching Hackett flicker as Shepard waved her hands around, slicing the air in disagreement, and her shoulders shrugged as the vid came to an end. 

He approached her silently, trying to gauge the situation from her mood. She sighed, her hands gripping her hips in frustration, "Joker, change of plans. Hackett wants us to go to Mars." 

"Mars?" Both Kaidan and Joker said at the same time, she rubbed her temples. 

"Yeah, Mars. We need to pick up Liara," she grumbled, irked at the thought. The blue alien was the last person she wanted to see, but she didn't have a choice. They still needed to have... conversations in regards to her choices – things on Illium had ended on a sour note. She looked towards Kaidan, their eyes meeting again and she felt warmth in the pit of her belly she hadn't felt in a long time. 

_Damn it, this wasn't the time._

"She has information that could help us against the Reapers," she sighed trying to ignore the ache at the tips of her fingers. The heartache was stronger than she anticipated; she had to get herself busy. Shepard stepped towards her gear spread out on the table, glad to see it was still on here. 

"Suit up, Major," her eyes twinkled for a moment, almost giddy with anticipation to be back on the top side of an OP with him, he felt the surge of excitement himself. Shepard stripped from her BDU's and pulled on her gear piece by piece, inspecting it as she went along - Kaidan stepped next to her, their body heat flirting with each other and they both tried to look uninterested. 

Shepard tried to ignore the way his body flexed and rippled under the strain of pulling on his new heavier armour. She raised a brow when she caught his eye, a barely there smile flirted against his lips before focusing on his own gear. She could feel his eyes on her as she bent down to pull on the pants and slipped inside the top. She turned towards him, tapping him on his now geared shoulder and once he was facing her, she turned her back. 

He reached and grabbed the clasps, clipping them one by one, checking her seals and she returned the favour. They both ignored the way she was taking far too long and her fingers touched far too much. Vega turned towards Kaidan, who also checked the seals and clasps and when it was all a go, the large marine climbed into the shuttle, leaving his superiors officers alone for a moment. 

Shepard stared at the opened door of the vehicle; she was feeling unsettled - nerves frayed and despondent. Kaidan stood next to her, his quiet presence not doing enough yet to calm her and she nodded to him, indicating she was good to go. She climbed into the shuttle before him and he followed her without question. 

"Let's go Vega," Kaidan clicked on his comm, the marine nodded and waited for the all clear from Joker to pull out of the Normandy's Bay doors. The red planet greeted them with unusual silence; no chatter on the comms and no activity on the surface. Shepard narrowed her eyes suspiciously, there was something amiss. 

"Briefing," She stood up behind Vega, walking him through the motions of her expectations in battle and what she demanded from her squad. Kaidan watched her, his mind filled with memories, his body stirring in all different directions. So far, this was Shepard through and through. There was still a lingering doubt in the back of his mind but he was almost positive that this was her and not a creation from Cerberus, a convincing copy. 

Did he really want to go back into that? Kaidan narrowed his eyes; he wasn't sure how to answer that. He wanted to believe her, he didn't doubt the committee who reinstated her or Anderson but there was still a lingering _fear_. 

Fear of _what_ exactly, he hadn’t pinned down yet. 

"We're here," Shepard turned towards Kaidan, helmet in hand and they shared a brief look between them that spoke volumes he wasn't ready to read into. He watched her pull on her helmet and before she could do it herself, he reached out and secured it in place, checking the seals. 

She turned her head, watching him, her eyes searching his. 

"Just like old times," he murmured to her in her private line. Her brows rose in surprise at his confession, he could see the smile tugging at her lips with a soft chuckle. 

"Yeah," she shook her head as the door opened in a lazy yawn. She eyed the horizon; uncertainty still anchored in her belly while Vega hopped off the ledge and took point. She turned towards Kaidan before he could move and grabbed his helmet with both her hands. 

She looked at him, closed her eyes and pulled his helmet against her own, foreheads touching for a few seconds, her grip hard as his hands reached to cover them, giving them a comforting squeeze. 

"Just like old times," she whispered back with emotion. She let him go, eyes forward towards the facility with her Widow in hand. She found her center once more, her body rejuvenated with confidence as she hopped off the ledge of the shuttle. Kaidan blinked in surprise. There was no doubt, no one besides him and Shepard knew of their pre-mission ritual. 

This was _his_ Shepard and the emotion gripped him so hard he could hardly breathe. 


	63. LXII. Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Mars

He didn't mean it, the harsh edge of his words, the way his finger pointed at her in the lift - she was exasperated, he could see it clearly but still, he pushed it - she was an ex-Cerberus operative, Mars was crawling with them. 

What was the connection? 

_"Don't Kaidan me, Shepard, this is business."_

He _should_ have apologised instead of rubbing his forehead, scowling at himself while the Lieutenant explained to him that Shepard had been under constant observation for six months. He _knew_ that no one had been allowed to contact her and she had been unable to contact anyone. She had nothing to do with the Cerberus attack on Mars. 

Why was he being so stubborn? 

They still moved like a well oiled machine, reading each other in a firefight as though they'd never been separated, but she had a few new tricks up her sleeve he’d had to quickly adjust to and she’d discovered he wasn't the same biotic from two years ago. He'd honed his skill, the precision and control far more superior than ever before. Her compliments sent a thrill of pleasure through him. He noticed she'd become far more brutal in her hand to hand combat, far sneakier. 

He should have watched her behaviour closer. He shouldn't have ignored the long glances, the little smiles - the teasing remarks and when he heard her speaking with Liara about what was at stake in this war, he shouldn't have shrugged off her glance. Once they got past the mounted Gatling gun and found themselves alone for a brief instant, he should have taken her in his arms and kissed her like he wanted too instead of succumbing to his fears, allowing the stark loneliness of two years of grief take over his logic. He'd been accusatory when he was really just wanted to understand what happened to her. 

_"Is this what they did to you?" Her eyes flashed up, anger rising with ever word as she stared at him, "How can you compare me to them?" No, it had come out all wrong. He rubbed his forehead, trying to figure out where they belonged, trying to realign his reality with her own. He sighs, "I'm just trying to understand, Shepard. Are you still the same person I followed into hell and back for?"_

__

__This time, there was a smile, a chuckle he recognizes "They didn't change the way I feel about you, Kaidan." Her hand on his arm, the teasing light in her eyes - but there was also a sadness there he didn't miss.  
  


_"But nothing I say will convince you, will it?" Her honesty takes him by surprise, she still couldn't hide her emotions from him, no matter how hard she tried to hide behind the mask of the commander. "You were always so damned stubborn."_

He hears the crunch of his helmet, the glass of his visor cracking as the hand compresses the metal - he can feel the material pressing against his temples, his hands claw at the metallic one, his lips curled back into a snarl. 

_Is this it?_

He can hear Shepard yelling _Let him go!_ Her voice is all wrong though, she sounded frightened. _Shepard? Scared?_ He'd chuckle if he could but now he's dangling in the air, he can feel his neck stretching, both his hands now clutching desperately at the vice grip of the bot. 

_Crack._

There's a hiss of air, the red light of his HUD comes to life, panic courses through his veins - the levels of oxygen descending, warnings ring in his helmet. _Was this what Shepard felt, asphyxiating over Alchera?_

He felt the heat of his amp, he can't catch his breath as the hand continues to crush his visor. He flares, momentarily but the bot anticipated the move and she was much faster than he could have imagined. She slammed him into the shuttle a millisecond before he managed to release his barrier to knock her back. 

He couldn’t breathe. 

His head snapped back, the amp rattling his teeth - he felt the mass of dark energy misfire and dissipate as she pounds the back of his skull into the burning shuttle. He gasped. 

**_No!_**

Shepard's voice again, but this time it's panicked? No that can't be right... Another slam and his focus is lost, his biotics were unresponsive. The build-up of heat was too great, he could sense his skin burning and the acrid stench of burnt hair. 

_"You're beautiful, all blue like that." Her eyes flashed before him, her smile and her tender touch in the few intimate nights they shared._ The edges of his sight faded to black as the bot dropped him to the ground, he couldn’t feel his limbs. He gasped again as the helmet continued to slowly crack, his precious oxygen trying to escape into the void of the Mars atmo. He heard the gunshots, Shepard's angry snarl and the sound of something heavy falling to the ground. 

He _should_ have done a lot of things before he faced this moment. He wasn't _ready_. He still hadn't told her... 

_"Kaidan, oh maker... please, hold on."_

__

He felt her hands on him, he saw the gloved hands slap something translucent but firm on the cracking glass of his visor and suddenly, the world turned black. 


	64. LXIII. Give Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Citadel, Councilor Chambers

Her head felt like it was in a vice. Shepard was already sick and tired of speaking with the council as Liara brought up the schematics they managed to extract from the bot that nearly killed Kaidan. So far, it had been a total waste of time, she should have just skipped this step and appealed directly to their governments. 

"Do you really believe this will work?" The asari asks, Shepard snorts quietly 

"Well, it sure beats sitting on our asses doing _nothing_ ," on hind sight, she should have kept that to herself but she was done walking on egg shells around these assholes. She grit her teeth as the asari gave her the same line of bullshit - _This is a human problem, our borders are in the same position. We must defend on our own._

_Fuck_ them. 

A council planet was under attack and they couldn't be bothered to help it or even approve resources for the Crucible. They still _doubted_ , even with Earth broadcasting images of the Reapers annihilating them, they still didn't trust her. How could she make them understand she _wasn't_ kidding, the end of days was upon them. This wasn't a little threat they could deal with the Destiny Ascension or a shit load of guns. 

They needed the Crucible, they needed to figure out what it did and there was only so much Liara could do with her translations and her studies into the Protheans. This technology was simple in its base but it was _enormous_. 

She paced the walkway, Udina shaking his head, trying to argue against the salarian who had no interest in the human cause. Why _did_ she save their asses again? She should have stayed on Earth, for the love of the Maker. Anderson needed her there, the council was useless and Kaidan was in a coma and it was because she had been careless. 

Everything was turning to shit. 

She watched them agree to refuse her request for aid, and walk out of the chambers, ignoring their own member - Udina was livid as he followed them out. 

"Meet me in my office, Shepard." He scowled, she raised a brow wondering what that was about, they’d never gotten along before and she certainly didn't think they would now - then again, war made strange bedfellows out of people. 

Liara shook her head, glancing at the Commander. "I hope that's a sign of support from him," she murmured, unable to really understand how the council just outright ignored Shepard and the obvious threat. She could hear reports on the news from Emily Wong, her play by play of her own experience as it was happening. 

Things weren't looking good so far. 

"Well, I'm sure he's got something up his weasel sleeve, if anything, Udina's always harping about the importance of humans or something," she murmured as they both made it to elevator, Shepard frowned at the wall, listening to the report from Ms. Wong. 

_Shit, that didn't sound good,_ she thought, her fingers hovering over the panel; her worry was elsewhere, though. 

"Go see him Shepard, I'll stall Udina." Liara mumbled, her hand on Shepard's shoulder. 

She eyed the shadow broker, hands twisting and before she could rebuke her cautious friend, Liara shoved her out the doors of the elevator when they opened up at Huerta Memorial. The commander swallowed, nervousness gripping her as she stepped forward. 

She wanted to turn around and go up to her cabin and crawl under her blankets. 

_Coward._

She frowned, her sister's voice whispering in the back of her mind. She wasn't a _coward_ , she huffed at the ghost. 

__

_Then why are you staring out of the window instead of asking for him?_

She ignored her sister, glaring at the window. _Well, because..._

__

_Because you're a coward._

Her fists tightened, her reflection glaring back - movement caught her attention behind her and the shape became recognizable as it approached. 

"Doctor Chakwas," she called out, the older woman spun around, a smile wide on her lips. 

"Commander! I figured you'd be here." 

Shepard raised a brow, "How did you figure that?" 

"Well, I heard about Earth, and the Normandy was docked when I got here - I also heard Kaidan was in the medical facilities. I came here immediately to lend a hand since I have a lot of experience with his L2 implant from the first Normandy." 

Shepard sobered at the words, had Chakwas been on the ship when this happened... _maybe_... she dragged herself back from the dark path of her thoughts - now wasn't the time. 

"How did you manage to get back into the Alliance?" 

"I file good paperwork," she winked at the Commander, who grinned, "I was on official leave when I joined you on your mission and I refused all payments from Cerberus, technically I wasn't hired by them and I worked under you only." Shepard laughed, her hand patting the doc's shoulder. Chakwas grinned, eyes twinkling in mischief. 

"I guess that only comes with experience," Shepard smirked. Chakwas shook her head, still smiling. 

"I was hoping to catch you here, actually, Shepard. I want to return on the Normandy," she stepped in closer to her commander; Shepard was quiet for a moment, an emotion gripping her hard. She swallowed the lump in her throat. 

"I..." she rubbed her head, a smile tugging at her lips, "Why?" 

The doctor's eyebrows shot up, not expecting that. "What do you mean why? I'm the best you can get, Shepard. Plus, I'm the only doctor Jeff will trust and not only that, I can keep Kaidan's implant in line once he's back up on his feet." 

"You think he'll come back to me- I mean the Normandy?" 

"He'd be stupid not to want to be back with yo _\- I mean the Normandy_." Chakwas mocked, Shepard sighed, resisting the urge to kick herself. This man made her stupid sometimes. 

"Yeah, doc, I'd love to have you back on board." 

"I was worried you were about to say no, Shepard, not that I would have _let_ you," she winked at her, Shepard chuckled and reached out to give the doctor a handshake to make it official. Chakwas only pulled the commander into a hug. Shepard stiffen at the contact, not realising she'd been nearly desperate for that small bit of comfort. She buried her head into the woman's shoulder and let out a sigh. 

"He'll be ok, Shepard - go see him, and talk to him. He can't say much since he's been heavily sedated to allow the strong anti-inflammatory drugs to subside the swelling at the implant site, they're going to have to place in a neurological shunt once that clears up." 

It was all jargon to her, she couldn’t focus past _He'll be ok_ anyways, that's all that really mattered. That thought released the constricting feeling in her chest and she let go of the doctor, flaring her omnitool to request Chakwas's transfer. She saluted the doctor, who rolled her eyes and left Shepard standing at the window again. She headed towards the Information Station. 

"I need to find Major Kaidan Alenko's room, Commander Shepard is inquiring." 

"Oh, you have clearance, Spectre." the young woman quipped, her eyes wide. Shepard raised a brow at her reaction before nodding and heading towards the patient wing. She stopped mere feet away from the cold steel gate that held her past and maybe her future. 

_Just walk through the door, Shep._

Taking a breath, her courage barely lead her through the scanners, the doors slid open and she saw a small gathering of doctors in front of a room. Shepard frowned, lending her ear a moment to listen in "... that was close, if it wasn't for Chakwas..." 

".. don't know the level of neurological damage..." 

"...L2 Biotic... side effects..." 

"Excuse me," Shepard murmured as she passed them, none bothering to look up as she waved her omni-tool to grant her access. When she stepped into the room, she didn't look at him. 

She noticed the machines, the bleeping sounds that followed his heart beat and most of all, the sound of his breathing. She focused her stare out the large open window staring out into the Presidium, the three fountains below enticing memories. 

_"Wow, that fountain is nice, soothing." Kaidan had murmured while they tried to find that damned asari escort - she glanced up to where he was staring and thought the same thing._

She pushed away the memory, he'd like the view here. It was... pretty good for a hospital, her gaze fell on him just as she finished the thought. She froze. 

_No, I take that back. What the fuck..._

Kaidan laid there, the sheet bunched down to his hip, the wide expanse of skin exposed to her as his chest rose and fell, the distraction of his near nakedness was not enough for her to wonder how the doctors had missed the caked layer of dirt and blood still on his face. 

Maybe she should be grateful they were more concerned about stabilising him... but bacteria could bring down the biggest of men. She wiped her hands on her pants, looking around the room for some items to help her with her task. Unable to find anything, she left the room and strolled down the hall, finding a sponge, a cloth and a pan that she then filled with warm, soapy water. She carefully made her way back, a nurse arching a brow curiously as she recognized the commander. 

Shepard walked back into the room, setting the items on the tray next to him, she carefully dipped the sponge into the warm water, squeezing the excess out before leaning over him. Her fingers gently probed his cheeks, brushed against his brow to smooth out the hair. She brought the sponge under his nose, gently wiping at the blood that had dripped out at some point. It worried her - did a headache cause that? 

She looked closely at his sleeping face, there were more wrinkles than she remembered, his skin seemed almost thicker but his lips still held that lovely shape - she could still see that tiny scar that puckered up when he said certain words. She put aside the sponge, dipping the cloth in this time. 

She carefully wiped around his chin, lingering at the dip she spent many nights nibbling at before she... lost track of time. Her gaze watched every tiny movement under his eyelids, she whispered words to him, noticing more lines around his eyes under the bruise that turned his skin purple and green. 

Her finger tips followed his profile, drinking this small moment of vulnerability where there were no angry words between them, nothing to stop her from just _loving_ him. She stepped back, putting away the cleaning items and dumped the water into the sink inside his room. She pulled up a chair, her hand grabbing his as she sat down and for a long time, she just sat there, in silence, watching him. 

She pulled up the sheets when she noticed the goosebumps prickling his flesh,, she bit her lips as memory played tricks on her - she could remember the taste of him in her mouth and his touch. She sat back down, her gaze on his face before her omni-tool beeped, reminding her that life was still moving forward outside. 

_"Sorry, Shepard, I can't stall any longer."_

"Okay, thanks Liara. I'll be right there," she stood up, her palm tenderly pressing against his cheek. "Get back on your feet, soldier... I... _need_ you," she murmured to him, her voice heavy with grief. 

And with that, she was gone. 


	65. LXIV. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Captain's Loft, Normandy SR-2

It was cold, the woods thick and oppressing and she felt like her feet were trapped in molasses - there were whispers around her, regrets inundated, dripping like water to the ground. The shadows moved in and out of her sight. 

_"Shepard,"_ the feminine voice slid like oil, she couldn't breathe - Ash's ghostly fingers brushed against her skin and she shivered violently. In the distance, there was a deep horrible Reaper sound the shook the ground and the whole area was flooded with a light that turned the darkness almost to the colour of blood. Shepard staggered towards the small boy huddled against a tree, she recognized him - he was the boy trapped in the apartment back by HQ. As she approached, the boy stood up and fear shook him to the core. Suddenly, he caught fire and the whole forest floor became bright orange. 

The world shifted around her, the heat on her skin bubbling like blisters - she grunted, throwing her hands to her face. And then it was silent - she blinked, her hands falling to her sides and she found herself in the corn field of her home. Before her, there was her mother's back facing her and she was standing completely still, pointing to the sky. 

Shepard looked up, a Reaper descending upon them. Panic gripped her. "Mom-" 

__

_Destroy them, Autumn - don't listen to the boy._

__

She heard her, clear as day but when her mother turned towards her, there was no face, only rotting flesh and bones. The bright white glint of her terrifying smile made her shutter with fear, it was all teeth and insects crawling over the bleached white bones. Her mother reaches out, the skittering sounds of insects buzzing in her ears - the empty sockets turning into bright yellow orbs. 

_Why do you resist us, Shepard? You cannot escape your destiny._

Her fingers lengthen, the bones creaking at the transformation and there's a strange, ragged breath coming from Shepard as the fingers wrap themselves around her throat and squeeze. 

_Face your annihilation._

Her eyes fluttered open, her chest tight as she gulped for air, her hand around her throat, she could feel the cold dead fingers of Harbinger. She eyed the sky light and panic hurled itself at her, the stars were too bright, the darkness too deep and she shot out of bed. Bile churned in her belly and she tried to swallow it down but she couldn't get it back down. 

_What the fuck was that?_

Her door chimed, she blinked, the fear dispelled with the interruption. 

_Maker, get your shit together._

_Don't listen to the boy..._ her mother's voice was like nails on the proverbial chalkboard, making her swallow hard. What did that mean? She slipped out of bed, rubbing her neck as she reached her door, allowing the visitor entrance. Liara stood in front of her, hands twisting nervously. 

Shepard sighed, "Liara, you know-" 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" 

They both stopped, Shepard caved first, giving her a small friendly smile. Liara covered her face with both hands, her shoulders shaking, with _what,_ she couldn't tell. Shepard felt her brow knit together in worry - she'd been... very hard on the woman since finding out it was her meddling that had landed her under Cerberus control. 

She didn't blame her though, not anymore. 

After Mars, had he died and she’d been offered the opportunity to bring him back... she'd probably have taken it in a heartbeat. Shepard put a hand on Liara's shoulder, and lead her inside of her cabin. 

"Come on, we have a few things to clear up." 

Liara's tiny little _Oh_ as she was shoved into the room amused Shepard _far_ too much. 


	66. LXV. Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Palaven

Nothing was going right and she was getting kind of sick of it. Why was it always her team's ass that was in the line of fire while everyone else just hung back and watched her get rimmed by... Brutes? What the fuck were those things? 

The second brute dropped dead, its large body shaking the ground as it collapsed from the Carnage attack, James's laughter could be heard half way across the field, she was sure. The armoured plate glinted under the lights of the camp and the fires ravaging the surroundings. The smell of burnt flesh, both friend and foe, was mind numbing. 

Shepard ducked, the Marauders still lingering in the background - their eerie metallic voices sending a chill down her back. The Reaper's plans to use the races against their own planets was pretty effective but the turians weren't even phased - which was impressive all in its own. 

What _was_ a brute? Not that it was the best time to think about this particular thing but she was curious. It looked half turian and krogan. She narrowed her eyes through the scope, the fringe of the marauder coming into view. 

Was that three eyes? 

She pulled the trigger, the Reaper trooper falling to the ground, dead. This Summit better be fucking worth all this trouble, she thought bitterly. 

_You need the turians, Shep, and the councillor promised their forces to earth if you got the Primarch out._ She heard that little annoying voice of reason whisper in her head but it didn't make the terrible feeling go away. She was almost positive getting the group together was a bad idea, it was just going to dredge up old resentments she wanted to blow out of the water. 

The damned asari weren't even showing up. _Maker._

__

_One step at a time, Shep._

James let out another battle cry, surprising the last few enemies as the bright red of his Carnage attack flared in the night, knocking down husks and cannibals, Garrus stood back with her and they combined their sniping skill to seek out the marauders while James acted as the really loud and obvious distraction. 

If anything, her flawless plans to have something big and shinny distract the bullies always worked. 

Once the last Reaper grunt fell lifeless, Shepard stood and grinned at James, who winked at her. He leaned down to one of the brutes and raised a brow, poking the backside with his shotgun. 

"Wow, those brutes have a really amazing ass, shit _I_ want one." 

Shepard almost dropped her weapon, not expecting that at all. "What's with you and asses, James - First you point out on the ship how the BDUs look like assless chaps, now you're looking at Reaper butts." Shepard quipped, looking around to see if they could spot the new head of Palaven. 

"Well, I know you'd like to see the Major in some of those assless chaps, Lola." 

Shepard felt her face flush red, she walked into that one. "Vega, your mouth is going to get you into trouble." 

"You know where I am if you want to dance, Commander," he laughed, she merely shrugged at him when she walked past and met with the Primarch. As she explained the situation to the turian, it became more and more obvious to her that she was going to have to use a much different tactic to convince these people that their problems were much smaller than combining all their forces together and beating the Reapers. 

But, life didn't work that way. She learned a long time ago that everyone has a sob story and no one else's problem is more important than their own. Shit, she _hated_ people. She flagged down the Primarch, she could read the shock of learning he was the new leader of his government, but in true turian fashion, he steeled himself for the trials ahead. 

"I need to say goodbye to my men and re-assign them," he told her as he walked away, motioning to one of his officers. 

"Take your time," _we're only in the middle of a galaxy wide crisis, but please, kiss your_ \- Shepard frowned at herself, cutting off her train of thought. What was _wrong_ with her. 

"We're going to lose the moon, Shepard - taking him away like that in the middle of all this." Garrus wasn't mincing his words, she could hear the bitterness there. 

"I'm in the same boat, Garrus - I left Earth in worse shape. I need him, we all need this summit." 

She stood behind the newly minted leader, the sweat of battle still drying on her brow as her old friend stood next to her. All three were looking up towards the night sky, the stars twinkling peacefully overhead were quite deceptive considering the whole world was being consumed by chaos. She could see the Reaper silhouettes dipping down on the horizon as they marched across the turian moon, steadily winning the fight to claim it as their own. 

"Brutes, eh? I don't think those were around when we fought the Collectors, Shepard." Garrus chuckled, his sniper rifle still steaming in the cool mist of the moon. Shepard shook her head in agreement, her breath still barely under control as they came down from the adrenaline rush of killing the beasts. 

"I think they're new, a mix of two aliens. Pretty _brutal_ combo," she wiggled her eyebrows at her joke, Garrus only stared at her, not getting it. James only snorted, shaking his head. 

"That's... pretty bad, Commander. We fought a couple back on Earth, while running for the Normandy, vicious beasts - but the Major could lift those fuckers right off the ground. Never seen anything like it, his biotics." James reiterated, still trying to grasp the idea that they'd left Earth in the same state, fending for itself against such impossible odds. 

Shepard had been forced to take a serious step back - as angry as she'd been towards the council’s idle behaviour, she could see that this problem was far more extensive. Even though she'd always harped on about it being a galaxy wide problem, it didn't strike her as such until now. 

The Collectors had been a human issue, this... was far more than she was prepared to deal with. She let out a slow breath, as she took the precious time to process the information. This wasn't just about her problems anymore, she had to change her way of thinking. 

The Reapers may have a personal vendetta against her and as a consequence, they hit Earth hard but it wasn't the only civilisation in the known universe that could potentially stop their cleansing. She was witnessing the fall of one of the more advanced military forces in the Milky Way, it was unsettling to see the fall of a people that had so much pride in their strategies and conquests. 

Thousands were dying every hour in the heat of battle on Earth _and_ on Palaven - the feeling of helplessness snuck in the back of her mind; despite all her brave claims, she was just _one small woman_. And it wasn't just here, the asari and salarians were suffering the same fate as she just stood here, watching. 

She looked away from the Reaper and eyed the planet, hanging high above their heads. She could see the cities burning the bright orange flares of the fires ravaging the land. It was beautiful in its destruction. 

She looked away, uncomfortable with her observation. There was _nothing_ beautiful about death. 

"So, Garrus, you want to stay here or you want to calibrate the Normandy?" She quipped casually as she put away her own gun, the clasp snapping into place. She grinned at the turian, who straightened under her scrutiny. 

"Are you kidding me? Point me in the right direction, Shepard, I'm itching to get back to it." 

She laughed, her hand out as he grabbed it eagerly, "Well then, welcome aboard." 


	67. LXVI. Sport

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Normandy SR-2, Hangar

There were few things in life that Shepard turned away from, and a challenge from a giant meathead was one she generally _did_ turn down, but James had a way of getting under her skin and sparking that little bit of fight in her. 

"Can you dance, Lola?" 

Could she dance? 

No. 

She was a _terrible_ dancer. 

She had two left feet and a terrible sense of rhythm; music always eluded her and she could never figure out just what it all really meant. Ash had compared her to a volus once and Kaidan always limped after they danced at formal events. 

When she drank, she was sure she danced a little better than normal but it could be all in her head, because the dance floor always cleared out while she shook her butt on it. She could be just paranoid. 

As James dropped from the makeshift bar to do his chin-ups and raised his fist, that glint in his eye she recognized. 

Oh. _That_ kind of dancing. 

"Hell yeah, Vega. Don't let my pretty mug fool you." 

His grin showed her he was underestimating her ability and she was thrilled. She loved knocking assholes on their arrogant rumps and James was a special class of insubordinate. 

Especially with that damned nick name. 


	68. LXVII. Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Normandy, Conference Room

Why couldn't things just be easy for once? Shepard snarled openly in front of the three self important idiots, her hands fisting on top of the table. She tried to spread her shoulders apart a bit to give her more breathing room in the official Alliance Blues but her anger was almost palpable, the material growing tighter by the minute. 

"Cure the genophage? For the love of the Maker, Wrex, have you lost your ever loving mind? Curing that would take a bloody miracle," Shepard spat, her glare hard and met inch per inch by the krogan leader. 

"I have it under good authority that the genophage has already _been_ cured." 

"What." She was pinching the bridge of her nose, exasperated. Mordin had told her specifically that the cure his student was working on had failed, the death rate one hundred percent. "That's impossible, I saw the experiments, Wrex, they were barbaric. There was no cure ready for then, it would take years." 

He chuckled, walking over to the turian and shoving him out of the way and he quickly pressed several keys to activate the wall screen. Shepard narrowed her eyes, not understanding at first what was happening. She could see the outline of a salarian running through some sort of base, the Dalatress shifted uncomfortably next to her, drawing Shepard's attention. 

_Hmm._

There in the shade of the windows stood krogans, pacing the glass cell, one was laying on the ground two leaning against the wall at a strange angle and one stood tall, and stared at the informant. 

"You knew about this, Dalatress?" 

The salarian shifted again, her mouth set in a thin hard line. Shepard felt the muscles of her jaw flex as she bit down on her cheek, reminding herself that these people weren't the usual trash she dealt with on the battle field so a threat wouldn't work for her here, so she kept her mouth shut. 

"Yes, the krogan females were in bad shape when we found them. We only brought them to Sur'k-" 

"Are you _fu-_ serious?" she caught herself just in time. The Dalatress' mouth snapped shut, Shepard pushed off the table and marched to where the female stood, the salarian crossed her arms defensively. Shepard only stood taller, her anger brimming. "Where are they?" 

"That's none of your-" 

"It _is_ my concern, in fact, it's the concern of the entire galaxy. We need the krogan, you've got a cure. Spit it out or you'll find yourself with no support when the Reapers come to your world." She felt her face tighten, her jaw flexing under the pressure of keeping her face neutral. 

"Threats, commander?" The Dalatress sneered, unwilling to bend to Shepard. The Primarch appeared behind the commander and so did Wrex, both staring down the salarian leader. 

"I can guarantee you this is not a threat, Dalatress, but a reality check." Shepard flicked her chin, waiting for the answer. There was a tense moment of silence for a few long seconds, the salarian leader weighing in the words and her option. She snorted, giving in. 

"One of our secret SMG bases has them, but mark my words, Commander - The blood of innocents will be on your hands." 

"It already is," Shepard spat back, walking out of the meeting room to get preparations underway to extract the last hope for the turians to survive this genocide. 

As she walked past Traynor, she heard her say there were new messages on her terminal, she merely nodded and headed up to her cabin, already beginning to strip out of the blues. By the time the elevator stopped on her floor, she had loosened the collar, her mind already going over SPECTRE regulations on species extractions from another hostile species when she flicked on her terminal monitor, the inbox blinking to life. 

_Doc says I'm ready for visitors._

For just a moment, Shepard forgot to breathe. She sat down on the waiting chair and buried her hands into her face, her shoulders shaking as the relief exploded from her. She swallowed hard, a lump forming in her throat and she was thankful to have chosen to come up in her cabin to read the messages. 

Her shaking hands fluttered over the keyboard as the words of his message washed over her, her lips pulling into a small but genuine smile. She chuckled, thinking of him harassing the nurses, probably itching to get back on his feet and back into the thick of things. And then, there was the overlying message she couldn't ignore. 

_Come and see me, when you're on the Citadel._

She bit her lip in thought, her heart beating precariously under her ribcage. She didn't want to think what this really meant, so she choose to reply with _Sure, we're just on our way now for something else, I'll drop in._

She rose from the chair, headed into her private bathroom and removed the rest of her clothes, she saw her reflection in the mirror, her fingers touching her scalp and thought she needed a trim. 

_Everything was going to be okay._

She turned on the water, the steam almost too hot to breathe in but that was ok, she wanted her skin bright red as she dipped her face inside the stream and let her tears mingle with the water. She didn't want anyone to know she'd been crying over a stubborn man who didn't love her anymore. 

_He's going to be okay._


	69. LXVIII. Gray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Huerta Memorial, Citadel

He heard the sound first - her heavy boots marching with confidence down the hall to his room and he found it strange, or maybe endearing, that he could still pick her out of en entire hospital of noise. It was a sound he could never forget no matter how hard he'd tried over the years. He looked away from Udina focusing on the window, watching the fountain on the lower parts of the Presidium. The man was relentless. 

"I promise you, I will answer you as soon as possible." Kaidan's voice left no room for arguments, the doors swished opened and Shepard walked through, she nodded to the councillor - they'd come to a mutual understanding to put aside their general dislike after Earth fell but the look he gave her made her wonder what his issue was. 

"Shepard," he almost spat at her, she raised a brow. 

"Udina." She replied, trying to keep a respectful tone but when he pushed past her in hurry, she felt a bubble of irritation pop. She stepped aside to accommodate him but it was hard to resist the urge to flip him off. So, she watched him disappear in the crowd instead, making a mental note to do it later. 

That was... _weird_. 

"Hey," His voice seemed almost like a breath, she turned her attention on him and felt her lips pull into a smile she had no control over. 

"Hey yourself," she mumbled, nervous for some reason. She raised a brow noticing he was still shirtless. "I can see why you're giving the nurses trouble," she points at his chest, he blinks down, realising his state of dress, or lack thereof. He shrugged. 

"Nothing you haven't seen before," he smirked. She blinked, surprised and grinned, pulling up a chair next to him. 

"Ah, I got you something." She handed him the bottle of rum she'd purchased, his favourite kind. He laughed, looking over the gift. 

"You remembered." 

"Hard to forget something that tastes that terrible," she quipped her face crunching up at the memory, humour still lacing her words. Their eyes met for moment and Shepard found it hard to breathe. 

"So..." she started, grasping at a conversation - there were too many things, she couldn't pick just one, "still thinking about the SPECTRE position?" 

His gaze looked over her face for a moment, trying to read her but she was perfectly unreadable. He sighed. 

"Yeah, I'm uh... not too sure about it. I mean, it's a great honour but..." 

"The horrible memories of my induction and all the bullshit we had to go through on the first Normandy is putting you off a little?" His laughter rolled through her, warming the pit of her belly - _yeah, this was nice_. 

"Something like that, but more the stuff they've allowed recently sort of puts me off. I mean, I heard what happened after we got here. I can't believe they're not seeing the big picture." He frowned, truly concerned about what they were doing to her. She raised a brow. 

"Well, maybe this time around you'll have my back with the same status, two middle fingers being flicked at them might change their minds." She murmured, his smile faltered a little and then things felt a little awkward between them. 

"You know Shepard," he started, looking away from her, "I'm..." he trailed off, unsure where to go with it. He wasn't a man of many words - he was more action than anything but this was something that needed to be said. he couldn't let things go as they were. 

Shepard's smile didn't falter, she leaned forward, looking at his lips. 

"Give me the update, _Major_." she teased, getting another smile out of him. 

"Yeah, heh. That was a surprise to me too. I didn't expect the promotion but for me to be able to teach in the Biotics Division, I had to have the title to match." 

"A teacher? Really?" her voice had a serious little strain of doubt in it, he didn't blame her - he didn't seem the type. 

"Yeah, I know - but Anderson was pretty relentless. Besides the newest teacher at Grissom, there was no other biotic as powerful as me in the Alliance and with my control. I was perfect for the job." 

"There's another biotic as powerful as you in the Academy?" 

Kaidan nodded, "Yeah, actually you know her pretty well and uh, she gave me a lot of shit when we met again at the Academy while I selected the kids for the special ops." 

Shepard raised a brow, there was only one other biotic she knew that was powerful like that and she would definitely not be into teaching. "Are you telling me Jack the psychotic biotic, Subject Zero, is the other teacher?" She seemed really skeptical, he'd be the same way if someone told him that too, he guessed. Jack was... a whole different sort of level. 

"Yeah and actually, the kids really take to her." He grinned when she snorted, not believing him. 

"They take to her by themselves or does she threaten them into it?" Kaidan chuckled, shaking his head slightly, not really sure how to answer her. Jack had a mouth on her and she'd been very clear on her position for Horizon. That conversation hadn't been awkward at all. 

"And what about your biotics? What's the damage? Chakwas is being really cryptic with me." 

"Ah, well that's a bit more complicated. There wasn't many people familiar with the L2implants so it caused a bit of problems to fix it but, lucky for me she was around for the quick fix. There's an L2 specialist coming in later." He skipped over some of the more awkward and worrisome parts, like how his nose bled when he used them but he didn't want to worry her when he didn't know himself how to handle the new problems. "Best I can describe is that the amp got rattled." 

"Rattled?" 

"Yeah, it's fine, but I need to keep them offline a while longer - there's a few issues left to work out." 

"Is it going to interfere with the use of them?" She wasn't going to let go of the issue, he could feel it in her worried tone but she wasn't prying into the why, so he could still get out of it. 

"No, it's not going to stop me from being able to use them, there's still a few tricks you don't know about yet," he smirked and she laughed. "I guess some things do get better with age, you know." 

"Or maybe you have." she quipped back, they both stilled and Shepard blinked, angry her mouth got away with her, she hadn't meant to say that out loud . 

"Are you flirting with me, Commander?" He was smirking but his cheeks were tinted pink, slightly. 

Shepard blushed - time to change the subject. "Besides _that_ , how's your family? Did they get off planet ok?" 

Kaidan's hand went behind his neck, he touched the tender spot at the nape, letting the subject go. She seemed uncomfortable. "I... haven't heard from them, they don't know where I am and last I heard they had made it to the Orchard in Okanagan. That's where they were headed when the Reapers hit." 

"I'm.. sorry, Kaidan," she murmured. 

"That's the facts of war, Shepard." He sighed, looking away from her and stared at the wall for a moment, his hands having trouble staying idle. "My dad is ex-military, they should be ok." 

"And uh, your girlfriend?" 

Kaidan didn't understand her at first, he gave her a weird look when the words finally sunk in. The air had chilled considerably between them. Right, his horrible mention of the Doctor on the citadel, the L2 specialist... 

"Uh... I'm not seeing anyone, Shepard." 

Shepard eyed him, her lips pressed together tightly. "Why did you tell me about the doctor then? In your... wonderful letter." she tried to sound nonchalant but it was hard to hide the jealousy in her voice. 

He winced, it was a stupid move on his part. He read it a few days after sending it and wanted to kick himself, it was so vague... and then he mentioned Michelle. She'd already come in once to visit and say hi, looking at his chart and setting up a treatment plan. It was just two dates. 

Shepard was still staring at him expectantly. 

"That letter, I can't apologise enough for it. I'm not sure..." he trailed off, the words still escaping him. Shepard leaned back and took in a deep breath. She was being childish but her jealousy was tangible. She didn't even know the woman. 

"Are we going to be able to get past Horizon?" 

She sounded broken, her whole body had sort of collapsed onto itself like the fight had just blown out of her. Kaidan let his gaze just take her in. She had dark circles under her eyes, her skin was pale and her shoulders sagged a bit, like the pressure of the world was only on her and she was determined to carry it all. 

Not that she had a choice. 

He reached out, his hand landing on hers, surprising her. "I'm sorry Shepard, I wasn't wrong about Cerberus, but... I was definitely wrong in doubting you. I hope you can forgive me someday and, as for Horizon," he squeezed her hand, a small sad smile on his face as he contemplated just what he was or had lost. "I'm not sure how I can fix it, I screwed up so much." 

"It's not _that_ screwed up, Alenko." She tried to smile at him, but she just felt as though there was a lump on her face, grimacing instead. 

_What was happening? Were they saying goodbye?_ She felt her heart squeeze painfully. 

"Well, I'm open for suggestions," he murmured, he let go of her hand, pulling it away as though he was suddenly aware of crossing some sort of invisible line. "All I know is that, having you back in my life is all I really want, Shepard - talking to you like this reminds me of what we had, what I lost and I don't want to waste another minute of it." 

Then she just looked at him, his curls greying at the temples, his brow more wrinkled than she remembered – his eyes, under the fading bruises of abuse reflected her own feeling, they were tired and defeated, sick of fighting. Her gaze tried to press on her memory every expanse of skin she knew wasn’t hers anymore and she had to push away the feeling of loneliness that overtook her. She had already decided that they were over, but she couldn’t let it go. Every aspect of Kaidan Alenko was hers and she didn’t care for anyone else. She’d remain celibate for the rest of her life if she had to – she just wanted him in her life again in any way possible, even if it was to be partners in war, instead of her bed. 

“So we’re good then? We can work on trusting each other again?” She heard herself _say_ but who was she kidding, she didn’t mean it at all. They weren’t okay in the least because she was greedy and she couldn’t settle with what she was trying to convince herself with. She wanted him back at her side as a lover, as her companion along this Maker forsaken ride. She wanted... 

His hand wrapped around her own again, his gaze on their fingers as he slipped them between hers, the heat of her hand seeping into his cold one, he had a lump in his throat. He saw it there, the look in her eyes were she finally subdued herself to the idea that there was nothing of them left to salvage and it was just her alone against the entire universe. He felt crushed. 

Had he lost his chance for redemption? 

He felt his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed, trying to articulate his feelings but he’d never been very good at that sort of thing, he was more of a man of action than of emotion and they were both so stupidly stubborn, he had to _say_ something. The silence was pressing on them, Shepard watched him, her eyes still lingering on his lips and she took in a deep breath, her tension still high. 

She tried to pull her hand away, but he only squeezed her fingers, not willing to let go – he pulled her hand closer, curling it into his chest and she could feel the strong steady beat of his heart under her touch. Her tension stilled, she could feel a deep sated worry seep away with every reassuring thump. 

“ _This one_ would beg for your forgiveness,” he murmured, breaking the silence in the room. Her gaze looked up from her hand to his eyes, the warm brown meeting the cool blue of her own. Her free hand rubbed at her breast bone when the hollow began to ache again but this time, it wasn’t because of loneliness, and it filled with something else. 

She snorted, her voice thick with emotion, “Is that some sort of horrible hanar?” 

His gaze didn’t leave hers, unspoken words stormed them, and with every second she felt herself pulled further in, “Maybe,” he replied, almost a whisper, “But if you tell anyone, I might have to do something drastic.” 

“I believe I told you something different that day,” her gaze moving to his lips, she caught the soft lick of his tongue to moisten them, she mimicked it without realisation. 

“Yeah, well – we both know what happens when you die,” his eyes were still on her, their intensity and fierce emotion almost had her breathless, “you come back screaming, and pissed as hell, with guns blazing.” 

She grinned, leaning forward on the mattress to press her forehead against his bicep – she didn’t know how to react. The universe was falling apart around her and suddenly, all that mattered was Kaidan’s well being, their relationship and where they stood with each other, she felt selfish but like Kasumi told her once – she deserved a little happiness. Didn’t she? 

“ _With teasing manner_ : I forgive you, if you forgive me.” 

“That’s my line,” she heard the smirk in his voice, laced in with his own emotions that were precariously out of control. 

“Well, you stole my horrible hanar, I had to take your el-“ he pulled her to her feet and across his chest before she could even finish her sentence and his trembling mouth brush against her own. His uncertainty was almost tangible between them. Their lips were mere millimetres from each other and she watched his eyes search her own. She could almost hear him ask. 

_Permission to come aboard, ma’am?_ __

She leaned into him, her lips brushing lightly against his as the tip of nose rubbed his in contemplation. The simplest act of reuniting with him filled a void that had been pressing her down into a spiral she hadn’t been able to claw her way out of and suddenly, her whole spirit lifted from the darkness. She kissed him, a meeting of lips that meant everything to them – her whole heart poured into this bare bones act of vulnerability that only Kaidan was allowed to touch. 

Her fingers reached for his temple, curling into the grays there that marked his own struggles and she wondered how many of those were dedicated to her. She felt something wet on her cheek and she realised it was coming from _him_. Her heart swelled with an unidentified emotion, she pulled back from the kiss and leaned her forehead against his, smiling and allowed her own tears to mingle with his. 

_Permission granted._


	70. LXIX. Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Grissom Academy

She wouldn't have come here first, under normal circumstances since she had a genophage to cure but when Traynor told her there was a call for help from the Academy, she thought of Kaidan and Jack. 

Well, she thought of Jack mostly, because she was still there at the school, terrorizing some poor souls. Shepard expected Reapers ravaging the place but she was shocked to see Cerberus gathering the children and dragging some of them by their feet to shuttles through the windows as she made her way through the station. 

What did they want with biotics? 

As they moved through the facility, they picked up a few pads here and there, the information cryptic at best but it was clear on its intent, find the most powerful biotic and take them in, dead or alive. 

That didn't settle well with her, considering what she saw on Mars - the soldiers were riddled with Reaper tech, two steps away from turning into some sort of husk. 

Was TIM taking the biotics for the same purpose? Was he turning the children here into some sort of mindless super soldier? 

Shepard picked up another data pad, scanning for more information and several students were listed in order of capture - most of them were in Jack's class. She must have the more gifted students, hence why Kaidan was well acquainted with her. She pursed her lips, not sure what to make of this debauchery. 

"Commander, some students and a teacher are trapped in the upper classrooms, trying to get to the shuttles" Kahlee Sanders' voice broke through the comm, static still heavy with interference from the Cerberus agents. 

"We'll clear them out, you keep working on getting a shuttle - Normandy's already pulled out with Cortez." 

"Working on it." 

She motioned to James and Liara, quickly cutting through security and to make their way to the students. Shepard could hear them, the biotic explosions shaking the very ground they were on. Kaidan had been far too modest, these kids were tearing through the Cerberus soldiers without a second thought. 

Liara and James took point, taking down the Atlas while Shepard found a comfortable spot to hide in, her cloak misdirecting the light and turning her invisible. She took in a deep breath, stilling her heart as she began to aim, taking out the soldiers with scary precision. 

Within a few minutes the room was silent, the corpses littering the grounds. Shepard stood up and dusted off her gear, only to feel the rush of biotic energy press against her. She looked up to see Jack float down from the top floor, her face split in one of the biggest grins she'd ever seen on the woman. 

"Shit, when Kahlee said she was sending help, she didn't say the fucking queen of the girl scouts was it." Before Shepard could even say anything, Jack flared blue and her fist cut straight across Shepard's jaw, knocking her back. 

"Commander!" James came out of nowhere, his shotgun pressed hard against Jack's belly, his trigger finger itching to pull. She heard Jack's breath rush out of her lungs at the contact but her teeth were still grinding irritably. She completely ignored the large man, knowing full well she could easily just lift him out of the way if need be. 

"Stand down, Lieutenant," Shepard groaned, rubbing her jaw - shit, it been a while since someone snuck in a hit like that. 

"I fucking told you Shepard, Cerberus was _not_ to be trusted. They're taking my goddamned kids for their fucking Phantom program." 

" _Your_ kids? And the _what_ program?" Her hand stopped rubbing her jaw, James backed off as the biotic glared at him, the kids were all gathered above them, watching worriedly. The last thing Shepard wanted was a horde of angry biotics rushing at her. 

"Yeah, _my_ kids. These students..." she looked away from Shepard, she could have sworn the tattooed woman looked embarrassed. "They're my new purpose, I decided to create and mold something instead of destroying everything." She snorted. "You and your god damned speeches." 

Shepard laughed, not expecting that. 

"Well, it looks good on you, Jack. Kaidan is even impressed with you." She smirked, Jack only scowled. 

"That fucking Major, I don't even know what you see in him," she snorted, Shepard shrugged. 

"He's one of the most controlled and powerful L2 biotics, Jack - nothing to laugh at." Jack didn't answer, only kept looking at Shepard from the corner of her eyes. She turned away, looking up to the kids on the second floor. 

"Get your energy bars out and a drink, we're moving in five." They dispersed and Jack turned back to the commander, leaning against the wall. 

"For your other question, the Phantom program." 

"Why does he need the kids for that?" Shepard eyed them, they were chit chatting amongst themselves, one pointing at her, excitedly as they recognized who she was. There was loud whispers and some nervous laughter. They were still teens after all. 

"Because he's a god damned lunatic, Shepard. He pumps them full of Reaper tech and the next thing you know, they lose themselves - they're not... humans anymore. Some sort of super magic biotic ninja." 

"Biotic ninjas?" 

"Yeah, they're no fucking joke, I'd avoid their swords if I were you and knock those little cunts in the head, right between the eyes." Her jaw was suddenly hard, her eyes cold. "Just forget the fact that they were my kids when you put..." she trailed off, swallowing. It was the first time Shepard saw Jack nearly cry over anything. " When you put a bullet there," she pointed at her forehead, "They deserve to be free from that asshole." 

Shepard kept silent, Jack wiped at a cheek before pushing off the wall, not saying anything else. She watched the woman climb up the stairs, barking orders at her students and Shepard wondered what exactly the Illusive Man was planning. 

She had a terrible feeling. 

"Let's get these folks out," she motioned to her squad, they fell in line and within a half hour, they were off the station, safe and sound. Shepard had a lot to think about, Cerberus was using the Reapers as a distraction and she needed to tell _someone_ there was something wrong with that observation. What was the plan? 

Once on the Normandy, she sent a message to Kaidan - letting him know Grissom was clear and her concerns over Cerberus. There was something she was missing and maybe he'd be able to give her another point of view. He was always good at seeing things outside the box but there was no time to say anything else, she had to meet with Anderson and let him know _his_ reason to fight was safe and sound. 


	71. LXX. Last Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Sur'Kesh, Secret Lab

Sur'kesh was _damp_. 

She didn't realise _how_ damp until she took off her helmet and watched the Atlas spark and pop into a swift death. The humidity had her feeling like she'd been sweating, even though she wasn't that warm because of the environmental controls of her suit. She wiped her forehead ineffectively against her armoured forearm and let out a deep breath. Her body ached, her muscles screaming with the effort she'd just exuded the last hour making her way to safety. 

These new machines were a real pain in the ass but when you found the weak spot, it was easy enough to dispatch them. She had a particular fondness of shooting the crotch plates off with her Widow and just taking it apart from the bottom. 

She watched the container open, Mordin eagerly waiting for the krogan to step out on her own - but Wrex had other ideas. Shepard genuinely chuckled when the salarian almost fell over as the krogan leader shoved him out of the way and reached out to help her, his weapon hanging loosely to his side but the priestess wouldn't accept his hand. 

Shepard smirked, head-stro- 

_Boom. Boom._

Shepard threw herself into cover, weapon drawn out immediately, her adrenaline spiking as she swore out loud before shouting orders for her team to clear out. Wrex burst out laughing, his toothy grin pointedly glinting in the sunlight. Shepard blinked away her surprise, eyeing the bloody splatter against the walkway. There were Cerberus grunts laying in a pool of blood. 

There was one still struggling. Anger flared through her - how did they know to come here? Who was their mole? She marched across the path, her eyes on the one soldier still breathing after the female krogan shot them - Shepard was livid. 

"Why is Cerberus here?" She kicked the operative hard in the thigh, gurgling on a liquid breath. "Answer me," she snarled, kicking him again but, his hand dropped to the ground, the strange slippery sound of his breath stopped and there was nothing more from him. She was completely floored, what would they want with a fertile krogan female? Nothing made any fucking sense. 

She rubbed her forehead, sweat was dripping down her temples. _Shit_. She was exhausted. Were they trying to throw the salarians and krogan into the grips of a war while the Reapers were ravaging the galaxy? Was this just some kind of ruse to stop her from uniting the races to defeat the enemy? 

What was his damned problem? They were both fighting the same common enemy, what was the point of trying to sabotage her efforts? If she didn't know any better, she'd claim him indoctrinated but the bastard was still harping on about _humanity_ and how the Reapers needed to be destroyed. 

Indoctrination didn't work that way... but _damn_. He sure acted like it. 

She tucked her helmet under her arm, watching as the female krogan push Wrex away and proudly walked to the shuttle under her own power. Once she climbed aboard the shuttle, the priestess turned towards her and said nothing, simply staring at her. Shepard frowned slightly, contemplating her next move. She couldn't quite read her, her face hidden under the veil of her shaman robes. 

Then it struck Shepard, the thought of what this female really meant besides the flourishing of the krogan's race, she was truly the first hope the females had had in a long time. It was the end of a thousand years of oppression, of misery and despair for mothers who'd done nothing but pray that their young would be born still kicking, still _breathing_. 

She represented the absolution for every one of the mothers who'd been a decoy to protect the fertile females - she represented the very breath of life for those who died protecting the lifeblood of the krogan. She was the definition of a reason to win a war, to want to come home. 

"Wrex, you sly son of a bitch." 

She could finally see his plan come into place - get the cure, give his people hope and they will return home. They will _want_ to gather under one banner. No more wars, no more fighting. Just lots of sex, babies and willing combatants to the cause to save the Galaxy. It was just the right amount of everything, just enough to maybe turn this conflict on its head and start going right for a change. 

Wrex gave Shepard a wink, "Figured it out, did you?" 

"Can't go wrong with that combination." She shook her head, Mordin following after the female; she could hear his long winded plans to check her health and how to produce the cure from her and a healthy male. The Shaman only sighed patiently. 

"I see he still doesn't shut up." Wrex grumbled, narrowing his eyes, recalling his first meeting with the salarian nearly a year ago. He still talked too much. 

"Nope. But then again, you should be a little less suspicious, Wrex. He was your inside source and considering he saved the data from the experiments back on Tuchanka, and he might even be able to cure the damned curse." 

The simple thought of being a father with healthy, genophage-free children, seemed to quiet him. 

"He's still a damned Salarian," he grumbled, " _And_ a doctor," he added, almost too low for Shepard to hear. She raised a brow, wondering what Mordin being a doctor really had to do with _anything_. 


	72. LXXI. Puzzle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Citadel, Embassy

The Citadel was a strange place in the times of war, not that it showed. It was oddly quiet and a strange misleading sensation of peace permeated the area. The one stranger thing was Udina and his reasoning behind why he wanted Kaidan as a SPECTRE. 

_"Major Alenko knows his place in the world, he's loyal to a fault and untouchable by outside negative forces - he's perfect for the job and his integrity will keep him on the right track."_

She'd frown at that, wondering if that was a shot at her or if he had some sort of plan for Kaidan. She didn't trust that bastard, never did and never would, even if the Earth _was_ collapsing and he was the only form of government they had right now. She came to a stop at the bottom of the stairs, eyeing the crowd in the embassy lobby. 

There were a lot more people than the last time she was here, their troubles more vocalised as they lined up to the embassy counter for help, direction on what to do as Earth fell and those stranded on the citadel could only watch. As the Embassy elevators came into view, she noticed James standing to the right, staring out of the large windows. 

"Enjoying the view?" 

"Hey, Lola." He crossed his arms, his eyes never really leaving the window, "I've never been up here before, I usually stick to the lower levels." 

"Quite the sight, huh?" 

"Yeah, but there's something off about the whole thing, it's like the Citadel is too peaceful, lulling you into a fake sense of security. These people," he shook his head - missing the look Shepard gave him. Ash had said the same thing when they were chasing Saren. She'd mention often that there was something just not quite right about this place. "They won't know what hit them, Commander." 

"People react strangely when they're scared, James." 

"But they're not reacting at all," he glanced at her, she shrugged. She'd seen some of the fear but not up here, only in the emergency refugee camps below and at the bar. People were flooding that place all hours of the day. She waved James off after a while, bored of the conversation as it ran into circles. She promised to meet him later in Purgatory but for now she had a few things to do. 

The people gathered around weren't oblivious, Shepard knew that much - everyone was looking for something to raise their own spirits or, in certain conversations, their military groups. She'd even taken the time to jot down some things some people were looking for if they seemed obvious, picking them up as they travelled across the galaxy. She even had a few of them already they had picked up while scanning planets for supplies. 

Although, the people weren't expecting her to pick up and deliver, it was nice to get these folks and their races behind the Alliance and have their support but in the long run that just made her a very stealthy and expensive delivery service. 

_Hackett did say do anything to rally them_ ... still, being a gopher wasn't exactly her idea of a Commander's job. Maybe she should start charging - hell, she could use the damned credits. All the upgrades and gear were costing her an arm and a leg. She blinked at her own analogy. She guessed it actually _did_ just cost her synthetic arm and robotic leg. 

_Ha._

That was horribly depressing; she pushed away the thought while making her way down to the hospital. 

Her and Kaidan had remained in touch over the last few weeks. She'd forgotten how much of a good sounding board he was, especially on the Cerberus issues. Well, she didn't forget - she had just... conveniently decided to ignore that fact so she wouldn't _miss_ him. Not that it worked. But that was beside the point, both of them were literally stumped on what they could be potentially up to, and the Phantom problem had him all up in arms. 

Most of these operatives were _his_ students. It had really upset him when she had told him the information from Grissom, he'd gotten so _angry_. Which had surprised her, he wasn't... like that before. A lot of things had changed, she came to the realisation, more so than before. There's a difference between telling yourself that and actually _accepting_ it - she hated being wrong on principle so it was a hard pill to swallow. 

As the decon sequence of the patient wing cycled through, she walked slowly through the hall, timing it just right so it would finish as she reached the doors and stepped through to the ward. She nodded to some of the doctors, passing on some information she picked up during her last mission in regards to biotics and turian medigel. The asari seemed pretty pleased, already making plans to change some of the specs to accommodate her race and the salarian actually sighed, happy to be able to solve his issue. 

She made her way through the rising amount of patients littering the hall. She raised a brow, wondering how the best hospital on the citadel, a station that housed millions of citizens, only had four rooms. They were running out of place to put people, some were even laying in the halls - maybe it was best Kaidan was being released, it looked as though a few people could use the bed. 

The doors of his room slid open and she was pleasantly surprised to see him standing at the window in a relaxed stance, and to her disappointment, dressed. He looked over his shoulder, pushing himself off the window and smiled at her. 

"Hey," his voice still sent a delicious little shiver down her spine, she cleared her throat and smiled back and as she approached him he opened his arms to her, inviting her into a hug. 

She was completely taken by surprise, her arms idle at her sides for a moment as his arms wrapped themselves around her. His scent invading her nose re-energised her. She wrapped her own arms around his torso, her fingers grasping his hips before they separated. 

"You probably heard by now, on the news?" He inquired quietly, his hand still rubbing her arms absently, she shrugged, not too sure what he was talking about since there were a lot of things on the news. He was... _distracting_. 

"What are you talking about?" she cleared her throat, trying to ignore the swirl of lust in her belly. It was just a friendly hug and a friendly pat on the arms, nothing more. They still hadn't spoken about what happened the other day when they kissed. They'd been too busy so she shouldn't assume anything of the sorts. 

"I decided to take Udina's offer; I'll be inducted into the SPECTREs later this week, once I'm out of here." He rubbed the back of his neck, still needing to hear what she had to say about it. 

She smiled, grabbing him into another tight hug, "Wow, Kaidan, congratulations, you are a fine addition to the SPECTREs." He buried his face in the crook of her neck, gathering her in his arms, trying not to make it obvious that he was breathing her in. 

"Thanks, I have big shoes to follow." 

She laughed, pulling far away enough to look at his face, his eyes were twinkling. "What made you decide?" 

"Well," he straightened, his arms still not letting go of her. She was becoming more and more aware of their closeness but she wasn't entirely willing to change their position at this point, all she wanted right now was his comfort and she would take what she could get, "I realised that as a SPECTRE I can choose my own assignments and I have access to some information that most people wouldn't. I need to find my special ops team back on earth, they're a hard group to find since they specialise in infiltration." 

She raised a brow, he ignored it. 

"Infiltration biotics?" 

"Yeah, I was inspired by certain events in my life," he wiggled his eyebrows at her, she shook her head, leaning her head against his chest. She figured the hug was more than just a friendly one considering his thumb was now hooked into her pants at her lower back and his fingers were drawing absent-minded circles on her spine. 

She felt his chin press on top of her head, tucking her even further against him, enjoying the brief moment of peace. "I figured you'd want to come back to the Normandy," she murmured, lulled into a sleepy stupor curled into him like this. 

"Yeah I thought about that, but there's a few things I need to do first," he sighed, as though he didn't really want to do them. She missed this, this honesty between them. "Did you figure out your Cerberus issue?" 

"No, I'm still stumped, they're everywhere I go and it doesn't even make any sense. Why would TIM even chase after fertile female krogan?" She sighed in frustration. Kaidan smirked, he was the only one really privileged to see her like this, and it was satisfying to know she didn't have all the answers to everything. 

"Well, I'll dig on my end, maybe I can help a little," He pulled away from her for a moment, she looked up and before she knew it, his lips were on hers for a small second. She blinked, not expecting it. She felt him untangle himself from their embrace, straightening out his BDUs, he had a small smile adorning his lips as she did the same and smoothed out her own uniform. He had a particular look in his eyes she couldn't quite identify. 

"You know, I think Udina's up to something," she murmured, trying to ignore the heat coursing through her. He arched a brow - she knew that _look_. 

"What makes you say that?" 

"I'm not sure, I was just talking to him and he said some really off the wall things, even for him." She quickly pulled him down, kissing him again, her mouth stretched into a impish grin when he sighed against her lips. "I have to go, I need to visit Thane." 

"Okay, keep in touch-" 

"Kaidan? We need to - oh." A young woman walked in the room, data pad flashing, Kaidan shifted uncomfortably as Shepard eyed the doctor. She narrowed her eyes, wondering why the woman had called him Kaidan instead of Major, then again this _was_ a civilian hospital. Never the less, something was off. 

"Shepard, this is Michelle - she's uh, a medical specialist in L2 biotics." 

Puzzled, Shepard reached out and shook hands with the doctor, who was smiling rigidly, and pondered why Kaidan was so uncomfortable. 

"Nice to finally meet you, Shepard." Her voice was almost too sweet, there was something about the way she flicked her gaze towards the Major that bothered her. 

She'd have to ask about that later. 

"Same, doc." She nodded to the woman as she released the grip of their hands. "I should go, excuse me." She nodded to Kaidan, and eyed the doctor and Kaidan, who was still shifting from foot to foot nervously... After another long second, she clued in as to _who_ this woman was. Kaidan swallowed hard as he noticed the glint of recognition in her eyes. 

That was a conversation he wasn't looking forward to. 


	73. LXXII. Playing the Melody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Tuchanka, Dispersing Tower

She was walking away _again_ , a friend was dying for the good of the mission by choice and her heart was breaking. But this time, it wasn't a bomb that was going to render half a planet inhabitable, no, this time it was to lift hope from the dredges of darkness and into the bright sunlight of the Tuchanka deserts. 

Ash's ghost stood next to her, she could almost feel the other woman's hand in hers, her chest constricting in the memories of losing so many this way. She'd promised she'd never leave anyone behind again and this time, she'd left one behind on purpose. She felt like a monster. 

She was no Maker-damned _hero_. 

Her eyes hadn't left the tower. The fires ravaging the elevator shaft crushed any hope of retrieving him, she could still hear the Reaper struggling under the earth as Kalross crushed it into submission. She never thought she'd be so glad to see a Maw in her life, and considering the trouble she had to go through to get the damned thing here, it was worth every ache in her body. 

Shepard blocked out the jagged sound of metal and focused on the tower, she could almost hear him, Mordin typing away like any other day in the lab, singing to himself as he tried to solve the world's problems - he most likely _did_ solve them. He'd been one of the most fascinating individuals she'd ever met. 

Despite his clinical approach to everything, he was deeply caring and curious. While she questioned his morality on his justifications on the genophage and his role in it, he was always willing to review and reconsider another aspect, always open to other possibilities. 

The tower flickered, lights as bright as the sun and suddenly the sky turned from green to white. She closed her eyes, the memory of Mordin in the medbay as he put this cure together, the priestess in the back asking him for a song. He'd pondered and smiled at her, putting the ailing krogan at ease. 

_'Let me think, now - what about the one of the Krogan Queen?'_

Shepard felt one big flake hit her cheek, she tipped her head back to face his greatest achievement head on. He was right, she knew it – after what the Dalatress had told her, there were no other options to consider. Only he could bypass the sabotage and make sure it went smoothly but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Pride swelled inside her at Mordin's accomplishment, he'd done it, righted the wrongs his entire race had pressed upon the krogan for a millennia in mere hours. She saw Wrex put his arm around the Shaman, they were both smiling, looking at the sky - she even heard Wrex agree to call their first born Mordin. 

_Don't cry. Shepard. Don't. Cry._

James watched her from the top of the vehicle he'd just climbed out of, he had full intention on distracting her from the reality of the event but when he saw her face, he changed his mind. She seemed okay. Her face was unusually calm and he followed her gaze, looking up to the sky. It was filled with flakes \- the whole thing was surreal to him. 

Suddenly, there was an explosion, his eyes focused back on the tower, debris was falling from the highest point, and there was a rippling crack as the tower crumbled. "Aw shit," he murmured, his gaze fell back to the commander and he held his breath. 

He could see tears flowing freely down her cheeks, her face still up towards the sky with her eyes closed. Her hands reached out to capture the fat flakes of the cure in her palm before she looked down. He could see her lips moving, the wind carried her words to him and he strained to listen in closely, his eyes narrowing in confusion. 

_"I am... the very model of a scientist salarian,"_ she was signing off key, her voice thick with emotion as she closed her hand around the flake. _"I've studied species, turian, asari, and batarian..."_ he couldn't listen any longer, his commander was breaking and he didn't know if she would recover completely. Another friend, a comrade was gone – a single sacrifice for the good of the many. 

He looked up to the sky again, and wondered if this was all worth it in the end. 


	74. LXXIII. All That I Have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Citadel, Docking D-24, After the Coup

_"Shepard, stand down - I mean it"_

__

_She narrowed her eyes, gun still drawn high and she felt her trigger finger twitch; she glared at Kaidan, the adrenaline still coursing through her. Her sense of relief to find Kaidan safe and sound was quickly being overridden with a hot burning sense of betrayal. Had he bought into Udina's bullshit? Could he still doubt her after all the information she'd shared, after all the times she'd messaged him with her theories, concerns that they were up to something?_

__

_Her lips pulled back into a snarl. Udina’s smug grin in the background set her off but Kaidan kept his pistol square on her, keeping her still. Her glare met his head on; there was a twitch of his lips that caught her attention and she looked at him again, really looked at him._

__

_She saw it, at the last minute, his plea for her to just_ listen _to him, this one time._

The elevator doors chimed as she arrived to D-24, the Normandy glinting in the light in the distance. She hadn't been able to track him down after the coup failed; they had a few things to speak about and it was getting a little frustrating to chase him around. 

She'd have to give him credit, he was an incredible actor, pulling the wool over her eyes like that and if he hadn't broken out of character for that split second, she... Shepard frowned; what would she have done? 

Would she have shot Kaidan to get to Udina? 

Her mind played over her reaction, she could still feel the sensation of the trigger under her gloved hand and the reality hit her like a runaway shuttle. Yes... had he not given her that subtle hint, she would have shot him without a second thought. She felt sick. 

She nodded to Steve, who had finally gathered his courage and put his husband's picture to rest at the memorial wall. Kaidan had grieved for a long time after she'd died, and he didn't even really _stop_ grieving since she just suddenly popped back into his life, alive and breathing - and on the wrong side of the playing field. She'd just expected him to accept it and be happy but she knew that wasn't possible. 

The Normandy dock doors came into view, and she pinged her omni-tool, intent on sending another message to Kaidan since the communicators were back up and running again. As the doors slid open, she walked through without looking up, ramming straight into someone. 

"Shit, sor-" the light smell of burnt eezo stopped her apology, she'd recognize that scent anywhere, "Kaidan, sorry. I wasn't-" 

"It's fine, Shepard," he smirked, his fingers letting go of her arms that, if he hadn’t grabbed onto before she had knocked into him, she would have fallen on her ass. 

"I was wondering where you went." She smoothed out the wrinkles in her N7 hoodie nervously before reaching up and rubbing her head. Old habits didn't change, Kaidan sighed. 

"I had to file a couple of things with the council, killing your representative sort of puts a damper on things." 

His lips were smiling but when she looked into his eyes, she could see the lack of light there. 

"You did right, Kaidan. Don't doubt that." 

"Did I? I'm trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. I mean, I knew a few days ago that Udina was wrapped up with Cerberus and I was biding my time until I could catch him in the act. And then, I saw you pop out from that elevator and I had to keep playing the idiot..." He rubbed his forehead. 

"I could have sworn you were about to take me out, Shepard." He looked at her, his eyes raw with emotion. She shifted uncomfortably, crossing her arms. 

"You could have told me a head of time, you know." 

"Don't change the subject; we were at gun point - in a hostile situation. One of us could have easily misread the other and gone for the kill." 

"Exactly, so why didn't you tell me you had infor-" 

"I couldn't risk my knowing leaking out. The Salarian Councillor didn't trust me because of who appointed me and he suspected Udina was up to something that was dirty. I can't blame him.” He leaned against the wall, eyeing her. "I couldn't risk it; I had to trust you'd see through my act." 

Shepard swallowed, avoiding his gaze again. 

"Shepard?" She looked up, her eyes meeting his, his brows arched in surprise. 

"Well, you were pretty convincing. If you hadn't given me that _look_..." 

Kaidan rubbed his face with his palm, "What do I need to do to make you believe me when I say _I'm sorry_ and I believe that you _are_ you?" 

Shepard shrugged sheepishly, "It's... hard to accept those words Kaidan, when I don't believe them myself." 

They stood in front of each other, Kaidan's mouth slightly agape in shock at her own words; Shepard bit her lower lip, avoiding his gaze again. That was one of the most personal things she'd ever told anyone - it was hard to admit that she felt like a fraud. Before she knew it, he pulled her into a hug, his strong steady arms enveloping her and she buried her face into his chest. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered, mortified that he knew she had been willing to kill him in cold blood had the mission called for it. He wasn't sure how he felt about her thinking this way but she would do anything to make sure the mission would get done – even if that included him. Maybe he should feel proud that she wasn’t about to let her emotions get in the way of the goal but at the same time, he felt a little disturbed. 

The silence was heavy between them, and he pressed his chin on the top of her head keeping her still. "How's your friend, Thane?" he murmured, and her shoulders dropped even more, her arms tightening around his waist. 

"He's... passed on. His sickness was too much added with the sword wound – to be honest, I’m not even sure why Thane didn’t just shoot the bastard when he had him pinned instead of doing all the flipping and acrobatics.” He could hear the bitterness in her voice, the hard edge mingled with her grief. “His son gave him the transfusion but..." He squeezed her tighter, and she buried her face into him even more, wanting to hide from the world for just a few more minutes. But things always had a mind of their own. 

"I'm sorry, he seemed like a good man.” He felt her nod, his gut twisting at the next question. "I'm here for another reason, actually.” He rubbed the back of her head, and she looked up, pushing away but she grabbed his hand, entwining her fingers with his. He gave her a soft smile, touching her cheek. No tears, but there was still a sadness in her. 

"Hackett offered me a position with the Fleet.” 

Shepard stiffened, her face remaining impassive. "Oh? For the biotics division?" 

"Something like that.” He looked out the window, towards the Normandy - it glinted bright under the artificial light of the Citadel. “So, let me throw everything I have out on a limb here, Shepard. I'd turn it down flat in a second if I knew I could join the Normandy again." 

The smile that broke out across her face was worth every second of this nightmare, Kaidan thought. "What about your girl? Miss Michelle is going to be cross that I took you away." 

Kaidan sighed, giving her an exasperated glare. "I already told you, Shepard. It's not like I picked her to take care of my implant. It was just as awkward for her as for me. But it’s water under the brid-" 

Shepard laughed, "I'm just giving you shit." He let out a withering sigh before she stepped back, looking at him with her official _Commander_ stance. "I couldn't imagine facing the Reapers without you, Major." She saluted him and he smiled at her before saluting crisply. 

"Welcome aboard." 

"Thank you ma'am, happy to be back - and I’m glad you accepted, it would have been awkward to go get my stuff out of the crew quarters had you said no." 

She laughed, the sound warming his insides as he spun around to head towards the airlock. He looked over his shoulder and smirked. She arched a brow as the Major walked a head of her into the airlock, the well defined curves of Kaidan's ass beckoning her. But then James words came back, haunting her - _Don't you think the BDU pants look like assless chaps?_

Shepard rubbed her face, unable to get the mental image out of her mind. 


	75. LXXIV. 67 %

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Eden Prime

Their feet hit the ground, dust swirled around in the air - they were back here again, back to where it all started, and ended, for some of them. They spoke of Ash in the shuttle, chuckling over a few memories but, as he looked over the horizon towards where the first colony they had infiltrated all these years ago once stood, they both nursed a heavy ache in their chest. 

Grief for their friend hadn't let up after all these years. 

Kaidan looked up towards the sky, almost expecting Sovereign to appear, its bright red eye searching for the prothean artifact. He almost expected to see husks crawling out of the homes but he knew there wouldn't be any this time around. No - it was just Cerberus corpses falling to the ground as they cleared out the area. 

Eden Prime had suffered enough, he thought, but they could always rebuild – but Shepard had disagreed whole heartedly. “They rebuilt Mindoir but, it wasn’t the same.” He had stared at her after that, his mind wandering over to her farm still waiting for her to reclaim from her childhood. Maybe they should talk about that, see if maybe she wanted to get rid of it or go back someday to the memorial. 

"Thanks, Kaidan, for coming with me." Shepard took in a deep breath as they dipped down for cover. He nodded, not sure what to say before she ticked her helmet against his for a brief second to energize herself. She opened the doors to one of the two stations that they needed to find. It slid shut behind them, and Liara watched Shepard as she removed her helmet and fiddled with the buttons on the console. There was nothing but static on the screens above them and from what she could tell, Cerberus hadn’t managed to clean it up. 

"Kaidan, look!" Liara pointed towards Shepard. 

She'd gone stiff, her lips curled back with strain as her eyes glowed an eerie green. The static remained on the screens but clearly, something was happening. He reached out, and her body rigid under his touch, her muscles taunt with effort - he could see the sweat beading on her brow. 

"Shepard?" he murmured, worry etched on his face but he knew something like this was supposed to happen because, when you're on Commander Shepard's squad everything always went FUBAR. He'd have to learn to deal with the worry of his lover constantly falling to these tricks of fate. 

Shepard's body arched back again, a flash of her first encounter with the beacon crawled in, and he bit his lip, preparing himself to grab her when she'd be free of the images that flooded her. There was an explosion of breath, Shepard staggered forward but Kaidan was ready, steadying her. She blinked rapidly, trying to clear her vision as the bile settled into her stomach. 

"Ok, I got the first part." She leaned against Kaidan for a moment, trying to catch her bearings. “Did you get any of that on record in case I forget?" 

"There was nothing to record, Commander," Kaidan told her, and she looked at him in surprise. 

"You mean to tell me this is like Illos?" 

"I would appear to be a similar situation." Liara replied. 

Shepard frowned, rubbing at the center of her forehead, "Well, let's find the other part quickly then and open up that pod before more Cerberus show up." 

As if on cue, the door opened and a Cerberus soldier pointed their weapon at them. Shepard dove down, knocking Kaidan behind a desk as he threw up his barriers, surrounding both of them and deflecting the bullets. Quickly, they sprung back into position, making quick work of the enemy. They moved out, Shepard searching room to room ahead of them with her cloak keeping her out of sight. 

It made him nervous but they were the bright and loud distraction while she did her infiltrator thing. "I found it," she murmured into his helmet and before he could tell her to wait for them, he heard the Cerberus agents surround them. 

"You going to be ok in there?" His biotics flared, a reave exploding from him as the soldiers were caught in Liara's singularity. The biotic explosion tore through their armour, leaving them vulnerable for the biotics to ravage their systems. 

"Yeah, I'm fine, starting now." 

There were too many minutes filled with silence as Shepard watched the destruction of the Protheans - the second part of the code needed to open the pod transferring itself to her mind. She gasped as the memory released her, and she fell forward, a headache throbbing in the back of her eyes. 

_'Shit, I forgot about that.'_ She staggered up to her feet, leaning against the wall to take a breath. This was a shitty way to communicate. She flicked her cloak on, making her way through the empty rooms, stepping over the corpses of the colonists. She ignored the climbing bile in her chest. She had to work on that, couldn't afford to get sick every time she got a damned headache. 

By the time she found her squad, the Cerberus crew was dead and she'd gotten herself under control, with no visible signs that she'd almost succumbed to the memories of a dying people. 

Kaidan eyed her, his lips in a tight line that she ignored, they made their way back to the pod with her on point. Once back to the pod, she opened the panel and pressed in the correct combination. The panel flickered to life, Liara smiled as her omni-tool followed suit in tracking the progress. 

"Sixty-seven percent complete." 

Shepard leaned back against the pod, closing her eyes as she rubbed the back of her neck. She felt Kaidan leaning in next to her, his eyes still never having left her since she returned. She'd looked ragged. 

"I can give you some tips for headaches, you know." He murmured, she opened one eye, a smile on her lips. 

"That obvious huh?" 

"It is for someone who has them a lot." He said sympathetically. She gave him an impish smile, opened her mouth to rebut but the pod under her beeped and knocked her forward as it opened. Liara peeked forward, her curiosity almost too powerful for her to control. She was the first one to lay her eyes on a living Prothean; her excitement was almost tangible. 

Shepard also peered in, Kaidan at her back as he cautiously pulled out his heavy pistol - he wasn't taking any chances on an unknown alien. 

"Careful, it's been 50,000 years for us but for this alien, it's only been minutes,” Liara warned them as the sheen of ice quickly melted from him. Cryogenic sleep seemed to be far more advanced from his time, Kaidan thought as the Prothean's eyes opened and blinked rapidly. Shepard leaned in, intent on greeting him hello but there was a bright green flash that pushed _everyone_ back. 

_Biotics? Green Biotics?_

Before he could react, Shepard was already up on her feet, chasing down the prothean who'd staggered away in confusion. 

"Stop!" She yelled, reaching out to grab him, keeping herself unarmed to avoid any more conflicts but the prothean turned suddenly, grabbing her arms. His bright yellow eyes locked on hers and suddenly her whole body arched back. 

She let out a low grunt, her lips pulled back in a strained snarl as she was surrounded by green mist. Kaidan was on his feet within seconds, the dizziness of the odd biotics shaken off. He pulled out his rifle, his pistol lost in the throw back of the initial attack. He reached Shepard just as he noticed a long drip of blood run from her nose and down her lip, staining her teeth red. 

His attention turned to the alien, whose eyes were still closed and whose brow was knitted in concentration. Rage filled Kaidan, and he flipped the assault rifle and hit the prothean hard at the base of the skull. 

"Let her go!" He yelled between gritted teeth. The prothean dropped like a rock, unconscious while Shepard fell to her knees, gasping for air while wiping the blood off her face. 

"Fuck, that _hurts_." 

Kaidan helped her to her feet. She eyed the prothean at their feet and she grinned at Kaidan, his ears turning red because he knew exactly what she was thinking and there was no way he'd ever admit it. 

"Let's get you to Chakwas," his voice was close to her ear, but the powerful bite it held sent a shiver down her spine. 


	76. LXXV. Tower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Arrae: Ex-Cerberus Scientist Facility

There were very few things Kaidan felt he'd been wrong about in his life, and there were many on which he refused to budge. There was just no convincing him otherwise but this time, as he fixed the Gatling AA towers of the science facility, he wondered if he was wrong in this case. The Cerberus scientists here didn't seem to fit into the same terrorist boat. 

Jacob, he soon found out, had gone back to Cerberus after the Collectors blow out, but he said that the organisation had changed and he tried to distance himself, joining with these people. But as things got worse, when their ideals started to slip against each other like oil and water, that's when they'd escape. 

The horror stories he'd overheard as Shepard tried to figure out what happened had him wondering if these people had really thought they were doing the right thing when they joined this organisation in the first place. 

This led him to other questions that made him a bit melancholic. Had Shepard honestly believed she'd been doing the right thing too, when she woke up in the facility? Did TIM think he was doing the right thing? The questions were heavy and he knew he trusted her explicitly but he still wanted to pick her brain about it. 

As Jacob and Brynn climbed off the shuttle and into the Normandy, Kaidan stripped out of his armour, the questions still swirling in his head. What about the other Cerberus operatives that were being held against their will? 

He thought of the GrissomAcademy students that were kidnapped before Shepard arrived. They would have been turned into Cerberus agents, into those phantoms. He shuddered, realising that suddenly everything wasn't black and white, there was too much gray fudging the lines. 

Was that what had happened with Shepard? Had the lines been fudged so bad that she had to do what she could to control the situation she had no control over? He pinged her inbox, asking her to meet him in the crew quarters after she was done settling the kids and the scientists. 

It was a few hours later when she strolled into the room. He was laying down on his bunk, semi asleep before he felt the mattress dip, her hand on his thigh to shake him gently awake. 

"Hey," she whispered worried it was a headache. Kaidan grinned at her letting her know that he was fine. 

"Hey, Shepard, I was just thinking about you." 

"Oh? Are you flirting with me, Major?" 

"Ouch, if you have to ask..." 

She grinned, moving aside to give him room to slide out of bed. She pursed her lips together, wondering when he was going to give up this farce of living apart. It was getting harder to keep her hands off. 

"What can I do for you, Kaidan?" She followed him to the table inside the quarters. He pulled out one of the chairs for her, motioning for her to sit before he sits himself down. She raised a brow. 

"You only did that on the SR-1 when you had a shitty subject to talk about." 

He froze, realizing that he had indeed done the same thing. He sighed, "Well, I'm not sure if it's pleasant or not, depends on how you take it." 

"Here we go, come on, spit it out." 

"I was wondering.” He looked at her, his face open for her to read, because he didn't want her to misunderstand. “How do we save others, like these scientists trapped with Cerberus?" 

She raised a brow, "Save them? We can't. The only thing we can do is take them when they're able to free themselves and get them out." She crossed her arms, wondering where this was going. 

"What about the scientists that helped you?" 

"Ah, well, they were good people. I didn't know any of them personally except for Miranda, of course." Kaidan grew quiet, his thoughts colliding with his own morality. ‘ _So, they weren't all bad people.’_

"What about the Illusive Man, was he ever..." he trailed off, trying to find the right words. 

"A good person? Maybe at one point in his life but he crossed the line when he started to experiment on humans with reaper tech and disregarded the implications of his accomplishments." She huffed, her gaze meeting his with a little challenge but he wasn't biting, he wasn't looking to fight. 

She realised it was just his way to pick her brain. 

"When I was there, he manipulated me into thinking I was doing the greater good, but in fact, he was trying to find out more about the Reapers, using me as bait. He's not a good person anymore and I doubt he ever will be again." 

There was a silence between them. She just watched him, admiring the way his brow moved in thought, the way his jaw flexed as he mulled over her words. He raised a brow, catching her staring. 

"Thanks Shepard, for answering my questions, I have a lot to think about." 

"You're welcome." 

"Uh, one more thing.” He took her hand, a smile curling his lips. “Meet me at Apollo's next time we're on the citadel." 

She chuckled, "A date?" 

"A sanity check," he winked at her before taking her hand to his lips and kissing her knuckle. How could she refuse that? 


	77. LXXVI. Food

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Citadel, Apollo's Cafe  
> Warning: Sexual Situations

She watched him eat, his lips subtly moving as he spoke, her attention barely anywhere and only on him. She could see the flex of his jaw as he chewed and swallowed, relishing the feeling his voice ignited down between her legs. 

"You know, it might be easier if you just," he licked his lips, distracting her from the rest of her sentence as he grabbed for his glass of lager. 

"If I just what, Shepard?" His long fingers caressed the glass, and she squirmed lightly at the memory they evoked. 

"It might be easier if you just moved your stuff in my cabin so I don't have to come up with constant excuses to get you into it after today." Her tongue darted out quickly, licking her lower lip before nibbling it slightly, trying to get the coil of lust under control. She wasn't a loose woman but there was something about Kaidan that threw out the rule book. 

"What's going to happen today?" He feigned innocence, enjoying this little moment. 

"Don't play dumb, Kaidan." She said breathlessly as he licked one finger free of steak sauce, making sure she saw his tongue lick his skin. She couldn't take her eyes off his mouth. He knew her weaknesses and he was enjoying abusing them. "You've been a constant tease for days now, on the field, and I'm at my limit." 

"That's pretty bold, Shepard, what about the regs?" He arched a perfect brow at her, she could see the teasing smile itching to break out on his lips, and instead he took another bite of his sandwich. 

"I wasn't ever big on fraternization regs Kaidan, that was your thing." She broke eye contact, crossing her legs, trying to subdue the ache there. She gripped the edge of the table, her knuckles almost white when he leaned forward, taking her lips into a kiss, his tongue sweeping against her mouth quickly. 

"I'll go settle the check, then." 

She stood up, following him to the cash as he swiped his credit chip. The walk to the Normandy seemed longer than normal. Maybe it was because they were overtly aware of each other; maybe it was his confession to loving her and to wanting to be at her side until she didn't want him anymore. 

Maybe it was just her hormones signing in her blood. 

They reached the ship, and she was sure the mere anticipation of his touch was making her shake. They entered the elevator and she could feel his eyes burning into her skin; he stood next to her, shoulders touching and he leaned over to her, his breath flirting against the shell of her ear. 

He whispered something she had trouble understanding at first and then realised it was a short and efficient list of the things he wanted to do to her in the elevator. Her knees were growing weaker by the second, his voice doing things to her very core. She hit the crew deck button, confusing Kaidan as she stepped out and headed towards the crew quarters. 

She ignored the stares, gathering all his things into a bag. 

"Commander?" He tentatively asked. It was hard to think when all the blood had drained south and it wasn't helping that Shepard was bent over his mattress, her perfect ass pointed up to him as she dumped all his clothes into another bag. 

"Just thinking ahead," she murmured, handing him one of the bags, still ignoring the looks her crew was giving her. One even chuckled but she couldn't be bothered; she was amused when she saw Kaidan pinch the bridge of his nose in mortification. 

"Why hide it? I won't be told what to do with my fellow SPECTRE," she murmured as she stepped back into the elevator, Kaidan in tow. 

As the doors closed, she hit the button for the Captain's Cabin and told EDI to not stop for anything. She dropped the bag she was carrying and pushed Kaidan up against the wall, her fingers gripping the front of his shirt, ripping it open and pushing it down his arms, the buttons flying in all direction. 

Their lips met heatedly, teeth knocking in their haste. She toed one boot off, her own shirt tearing open with the buttons suffering the same fate as Kaidan's. She didn't care, and Kaidan forgot all about her insubordination when she flicked his pants open, her hand showing itself down the front and she grasped his erection. 

He groaned as the doors chimed open and they stumbled out, still clinging to each other, clothes falling to the ground. There was a gasp when Kaidan bit down on Shepard's lower lip, her fingers grabbing the belt loops of his pants and pulling them down over his hips. Her hand let go of his erection, taking a moment to grab both of his ass cheeks and squeezing tight, her nails digging in. 

Shepard’s back slammed into the wall, and Kaidan toed off his boots, he pulled up one side of her bra to free one breast, the nipple perked hard as he clamped his teeth around the sensitive nub. She cried out, her hands letting go of his ass, scratching up his now exposed back and into his hair. She pulled his head away from her nipple, the ache almost tangible. 

"That fucking hurts," she moaned seconds before he kissed her again, lips moulding to hers, his tongue plundering her mouth mercilessly. She pushed at his chest, flipping their positions as she waved her omni-tool to her door, her sexual frustration growing by the second. 

He still tasted like steak. 

She pulled him by the pants, dragging him into her cabin but they didn't get very far - Kaidan tripped on his falling pants, both of them crashing to the floor in front of her door. She didn't bother to react to the blunder, already rolling under him, his strong hands on the base of her spine, slipping under the edge of her panties to touch her ass. 

"Lo-L-Lock," she stammered, recovering her breath as she undid her own BDUs, eager to feel him touch her. It had been years for him, months for her but the need was high for both of them, urgent to reconnect intimately. She shimmied out of the BDUs, Kaidan doing the same though he still had one leg inside his because there was one boot still on his foot. Quickly he adjusted himself between her thighs, his erection burning hot, twitching with need. His teeth skimmed her neck, she moaned loudly as goosebumps ravaged her skin. 

"Come on Kaidan," she said breathlessly, she didn't want to wait any longer, her sex hot and trembling, slick with want since the day he came aboard. She felt the tip of his erection at her entrance, she arched her back, the anticipation killing her. 

He wasn't gentle. 

In one swift motion he entered her, full up to the hilt, she let out a little shriek of surprise, his size stretching her. Kaidan paused, looking up at her with his eyebrows arched high. 

"I got rebuilt, remember? I haven't been with anyone else, give me a minute." 

"Oh shit, sorry, I never even thought-" his voice was strained, his need almost too much but he didn't want to make things any more uncomfortable. 

"Me neither, I'm just as surprised." 

She shifted under him and rolled her hips to let him know she was good to go; he pulled back slowly, checking to see her reaction. She nodded and he slipped back inside her. She moaned, his hips finding a rhythm that had her relaxed. Soon she was digging her heels into his ass, her back arching under him - he took the speed up a notch. 

Her nails dug into his back and he grunted at the sensation, a fine line between pain and pleasure but he didn't care. He could feel her tighten around him, her breath hitching, that little wheeze that told him he needed to change the angle to bring her over the edge. He grabbed her hips, dragging her up a bit when he adjusted their position. 

She couldn't breathe. 

He was thrusting hard and fast, hitting that spot inside her that made her lose all track of time. Her hands grabbed his arms, she could feel the muscle flex under her touch and her back scrapped along her floor but she didn't care. His whole body was curling into the thrust, the sound of his voice groaning, grunting her name, taking her past the point of rationale. 

The coil in her belly sprung tight and released, suddenly and without warning, and she felt her skin flush pink with the force of her orgasm. She wrapped her arms around his neck, riding the wave out as Kaidan finally curled into her one last time, feeling his shaft twitch inside her, his body quivering with the force of his own release. 

He collapsed on her boneless, their breathing hard and merciless. He kissed her, grinning, and she was laughing under him. 

"Next time, I'll try to make it to the bed," he murmured against her lips. 

A few hours later, when they’d managed to work out all their pent up frustrations, Shepard walked out of her cabin only to trip over the large bags at her door. She cursed out, rubbing her side as she picked up the data pad that clambered on the floor when she had toppled face down on the ground. She checked in the cabin quickly, making sure her fumble hadn't woken up Kaidan passed out on their bed. She flicked on the data pad, still rubbing her rear and read the note. 

_"Lola, you forgot your things on the elevator. Buttons are in the right pocket of the Major's shirt."_

She flushed red. 


	78. LXVII. Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Normandy SR-2, Captain's Loft

Kaidan's hand reached out across the bed, looking for Shepard but she was already up and gone. He sighed and rolled over onto her side, pressing his face against the pillow, taking in her scent. He hadn't thought this would have ever been possible again, but then again, here is was - it wasn't a dream of sorts. 

He rolled back over, sitting up on the bed and eyed the large bags by the door, smirking - she had been serious for him to move in and he was glad - although they had to work on this not waking him up when she got up. 

He'd have to talk to her later about that, he didn't want to miss a second of her, them - _this_. 

His feet his the cold metallic floor, he hadn't been in her cabin since coming aboard - he didn't want to tempt things before they were really in the clear, but obviously she had different ideas about what was proper on an Alliance ship. 

Well, they were SPECTREs, not really part of the Alliance, officially - they answered to a higher order now. Things might be different after the war, but for now, the justification was more than enough for him. 

He stood up, pulling the white sheet with him, wrapping it around his waist in a knot that would hold it in place - it was fairly cool inside the room and he wasn't entirely comfortable yet to walk about completely nude. Shepard had an open door policy and from what he understood, people still walked in when ever they wanted. 

He walked over to the large aquarium, spanning practically across the cabin, he lifted a bow in wonder. Since when had Shepard been into pets? The Jelly fish bopped across the water and few fish chased them playfully. The automatic feeder turned on, jolting him for a second, not expecting it. 

He tapped the glass, chuckling. Of course, she didn't have time to feed them, good thinking on that VI. He eard a squeek behind him and turned, trying to find where it was coming from but the large panes of glass with the model ships caught his attention. 

There were every single known ship class from their Galaxy, including a reaper. ' _Huh, wonder where she found the time to do all this?'_

__

He leaned against the desk, palms knocking the data pads to the floor, startling him. He shook his head and picked them up, just in time for Shepard to walk through the doors. 

"Well, well. If it isn't my favourite butt on the citadel." 

Kaidan straighten, a smirk on his lips. Shepard stepped towards him, her arms already reaching out to wrap herself around him. He held her close, taking in her scent for a moment, happy to see her. 

"You mind telling me something," he looked over her shoulder, the squeaking grabbing his attention again. Shepard nodded, her fingers trailing down his spine to the edge of the sheet. She slipped her hand uber it. 

"Sure, ask away." 

"Why... all the pets?" He found the source of the squeaking, a hamster poked its head out of a little tiny house on one of the shelves. He arched a brow, again. "Is that a hamster?" 

Shepard followed his gaze, Calibrations squeeked and ran back into his cage. 

"Yes, this is Calibrations. Garrus and some of the crew from the collector mission bought it for me after I kept murdering all the fish." 

"So they gave you another animal to keep alive...?" 

"I didn't say it made sense, but Calibrations has a feeder thing that lasts a few days. Plus he'll squeek at me if I forget to fill it again." 

"Any other pets I need to know about? Like a cat, or something?" He nuzzled her temple, her hands slidding over the curve of his ass, pushing the sheet off his hips and unto the floor. 

"No," she grinned against his chest. "Well, there is this Varren I wanted, Urz." 

"A... Varren." He deadpanned. 

"Yes, but Wrex said I couldn't take it, something about keeping the pyjaks at bay." She squeezed his ass, making him groan - he tugged at her BDUs. She sliped are hands around his narrow hips and inbetween then, grasping his growing erection. 

"What was I saying?" he murmured, his lips seeking hers. 

"Something about my pets." 

He kissed her, his questions forgotten and led her back to bed. 


	79. LXVIII. Fortitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Attican Universe

She was pissed at herself, watching Grunt run off to distract the Ravagers while they escaped - she'd sacrificed one of Wrex's best units to save a damned Rachni that couldn't seem to resist the pull of the Reapers song. And now, she wasn't even sure if Grunt was going to make it out. 

Her krantt. 

She'd sacrificed again, breaking her promise to herself. She was so sick of everyone dying - her heart ached, tired of feeling so Maker-damned helpless while people around her constantly gave themselves up for her and for the missions. 

What was _wrong_ people, _fuck_. 

She climbed up the ledge, out of the caves and she could hear the metallic chirps of the Ravagers as they scurried away, trying to track down the Queen. She gritted her teeth, was this the right decision? Maybe she should have ended the damned Queen back when they found the other one on Noveria. She turned, looking at the gaping mouth of the mountain, listening. Kaidan put his hand on her shoulder, tugging her to move with him and she had to resist the urge to shrug him off. 

"Come on, Grunt," she murmured, Kaidan stilling at the sound of her voice as she pried his fingers off of her. She marched up to the cave, her hands fisting. It was silent in there. "Come _on_ , Grunt, get your yellow bellied lizard ass out of the fire," she shouted, anger lacing every single syllable. Kaidan felt his heart break; her voice was heavy, thick with emotions. 

"Don't do this," she almost whimpered, her temper flaring seconds later. "You can't show the world what a tanked krogan can do if you let a damned Rachni kick your ass - that's just shameful to the Urdnot name." 

Steve landed behind them, the doors to the shuttle opening. He stood up and walked to the entrance, wondering what was taking so long. He noticed Kaidan grabbing Shepard by the shoulders, trying to talk some sense into her as she raged at the cave. The shuttle pilot felt a pang of grief for his commander. 

"Grunt, don't be an asshole.” Shepard’s voice broke, her throat raw from all her shouting. Kaidan pulled her close, trying to still her in her grief - he pressed his lips against her temple and she slumped against him, the fight suddenly out of her. 

"Maker damn it all," she whispered to him, her voice neatly cracking under the emotion - of all the people she was losing, she was going to mourn him the most and she couldn't bear another heartbreak. 

"Alright, Shepard - you'll wake Kalross with all that shouting." 

Grunt appeared out of the darkness, his colourful eyes meeting Shepard's. She pushed Kaidan aside and marched forward, her eyes hard but bright with unshed tears. The krogan was covered in blood and green slime as he stumbled forward, exhaustion apparent. Shepard remained quiet, her movements stiff, despite it all - Kaidan can see it, there in her eyes. 

The relief, the joy. 

Grunt would live to see another day. 

Kaidan made his way to her, a smile on his lips as he grabbed the other arm of the Krogan warrior, listening to him complain about how _hungry_ he was. Shepard burst into laughter but Kaidan could hear the control wavering, and he can see the tremble of her lower lip and her shaking fingers. 

_One,_ Shepard thinks _, I saved one._


	80. LXXIX. Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Kallini, Ardat-Yakshi Sanctuary

_'The moon_ , _'_ Samara thought, ' _has never seemed so bright before.'_ Her pale blue eyes linger on the horizon of the burning sanctuary - flames licking the twilight as smoke choked the shadows of grief. The stench of death crawled over her skin in a slow ugly feeling. 

_'Rila is dead.'_

She didn't feel it, or maybe she felt too much and couldn't tell if the ache in her bones was really the ache of her heart. She felt old, far beyond the numbers of her age - she was a mere shadow of herself with far too many regrets lingering over her. 

Her hand curled around the rail, her eyes now up above onto the stars twinkling in the night; she had a job to do. She couldn't fail here, she was at the end of her purpose. 

"Mother?" Her voice is small, feeling like a petulant child clutching on to her mother's skirts when she was just a few years old, hiding from her older sister's taunts. 

"The code, Falere, leaves room for nothing else." Samara's voice broke, her daughter can see the sorrow in her eyes as her mother looks over her shoulder. She turned slowly, stepping towards her, her hand pulling out her heavy pistol to hang loosely against her thigh. 

"Mother-" 

"Samara, what are you doing?" Shepard stepped towards the Justicar, her body stiff as Samara pressed the pistol to her own temple. There were a few seconds of dreadful silence between the three. Samara's blue eyes shimmer once, blue to silver before she locked her eyes with her last living daughter. 

"You were all so muc-" 

"Kaidan!" 

Shepard's voice echoed sharply against the steep walls of the sanctuary, the silver light of the moon surrounding them turned blue as the major flared his biotics, encasing the Justicar in a powerful stasis field. It was no match for the asari, but it was just long enough for Shepard to reach the grieving mother and twist her arm away from her temple. 

"What in the maker's name are you doing?" she hissed between gritted teeth as she twisted the asari's hand in a sharper angle, forcing her to drop the pistol. 

"You are interfering with the-" For the first time in centuries, Samara feels hot anger course through her, her voice trembling with the emotion she'd forgotten over the centuries. It didn't matter, in the end. What she felt or the regret she embraced - her daughters were dead, she had taken their lives and felt _nothing_. She was a broken vessel; she was empty - void of life and drive. 

The Justicar was breaking. 

"Samara, this is insane!" 

"I can't kill my last daughter," she shouted, tears falling against her cheeks - when was the last time she cried? She didn’t remember, she could cite paragraphs of a dying tradition but she couldn’t remember when she last said ‘I love you’ to her daughters. 

She'd killed them, every one of them - their spirits set free before their time, all because of her mistakes. 

"This is the only way I can save her," she said with more control this time, but the tears still fell, her blue gaze watching her daughter who had both hands clasped around her mouth, "I can't leave her with no sanctuary. This is the only solution Shepard, you must understand this." 

The words are unacceptable, the Commander snarled, ready to bite her head off but the younger asari interrupted their argument. 

"Mother," Falere approached her cautiously, Samara stopped her struggle, her breath hard against Shepard's hold. Her daughter reached out, cupping her mother's cheeks, understanding dawning in her. 

Her mother's own exile made much more sense now. 

"I will remain here," Samara frowned, her thoughts going over the well-versed paragraphs, the lines of rules and obligations. 

"But, Falere-" 

"I could have left anytime, I didn't. I understand the danger I pose and I do not wish it on anyone. I follow my own code, I do not need walls to claim it as a sanctuary." She tipped up her chin in defiance, daring her mother to counter her solution. The Justicar looked at her daughter, she could almost see hope rising in herself. 

The stars twinkled in the background, her daughter alone, living in this grave of her sisters to abide to a code that was barely in existence so that her mother could feel absolved. 

"You... would do this?" Shepard let go of Samara's hands, sure now that the asari had herself under control before Falere pulled her mother into a hug. 

"Yes. And if the Reapers come again, I will not let them take me alive,” she spoke softly but her voice was hard with promise. Samara tucked her head into the crook of her daughter's neck, weeping for her and for her own sins against her own flesh and blood. 

Kaidan looked up towards the night sky and thought about his own family - wondering just how they were surviving back on earth, back in the thick of things \- ground zero. He needed to find them. 

Shepard felt Kaidan's arms slide around her waist, she leaned into him as worry fluttered away. Here, under the cold light of the moon with the burning sanctuary under their feet, they each made peace with their sorrows and forged on, ready to take on whatever the galaxy was going to throw at them. 


	81. LXXX. Do Not Disturb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Normandy SR-2, Starboard Observation

"Hey, there you are." 

The doors slid close behind her, her gaze landing on Kaidan as he looked out the large observation window. He looked over his shoulder and gave her a soft smile. She stepped closer to him and he reached out with one arm, wrapping it around her shoulders and pulling her close. She leaned her head into the crook of his shoulder and gazed out into the stars for a moment before closing her eyes quickly. 

The nervous feeling she got every time she looked out the windows in the Normandy fluttered back to the surface. She still wasn't entirely in control of her fear but it wasn't as debilitating as before. 

Still, it didn't mean she actively went out of her way to stargaze, it was already hard enough to ignore the skylights in her cabin. 

"How's things?" he asked as she felt his hand squeeze her shoulder, his gaze back out of the window. 

"As they should be, for once," she grumbled, his chuckle warming her belly. She peered at him to see his expression but it was still out there, focused on something else. 

"What's on your mind, Kaidan." 

There was a long pause, his brows furrowed slightly before smoothing out once more. "That obvious, is it?" 

"Yes, normally you look at me when I say things." 

He raised a brow and looked down at her. She smiled and he sighed, shaking his head slightly. Humble, as per usual. "I was just thinking about my parents.” His hand squeezed her shoulder again and she wrapped an arm around his hips. 

"Did you manage to get a hold of them?" 

"My mom, yeah. My dad on the other hand..." he trailed off, nibbling his lower lip in thought. 

"Tell me," she murmured, poking him in the side with her elbow. He took in a breath, steeling himself to talk about something he wasn't even a hundred percent sure about. The not knowing was the hardest part. 

"Dad went back, to fight the reapers.” He scratched at his chin. "I mean, I understand why - he's an old soldier like me but, he just... left mom alone and now," his hand rubbed across his jaw, nose twitching with the thought of his father, "he's missing and I'm out here, and she's worried sick for two different reasons." 

"I'm sorry, Kaidan." 

"Nothing to be sorry about, not your fault." He dipped down, his lips brushing her temple. 

"Did you want to go back to Earth and find them?" She asked warily - he can feel her tense under his touch and he resisted the urge to smile at her reaction. He contemplated her question but there was no doubt in his mind what he wanted. 

"No, I know it’s selfish but, I want to be here, with the Normandy and _you_." He sensed her tension dissipate but she was still tight, stiff. "What's wrong?" 

Shepard blinked, not sure how he figured it out. 

"Nothing?" She arched a brow, and he frowned at her. 

"Don't give me that, you're all tight around the shoulders," he slipped his arm down and rubbed at the tight spots, and she let out a little groan as he pressed down, massaging her. "What's wrong?" He murmured again, the pull of his voice hard to resist. He turned her around so he can access the area a little easier. She let him handle her, enjoying his touch. 

"It's nothing, honestly - I just have a bit of an issue with space." 

"An issue with space?" he repeated, both of his brows rise up in amusement. "That's kind of important, considering we're inside a ship surrounded by it." 

She shivered, her hands rubbing her arms to chase away the goosebumps. "Don't remind me." 

His fingers stopped kneading the muscles and he rested them on her shoulders tugging her gently towards the couch and pressed the button to close the metal curtain. Shepard sighed. 

"You didn't have to do that." 

"Talk to me." 

They sat, her eyes lingering on the disappearing slit of space before she focused on Kaidan and he held her hands in his, waiting patiently. 

That used to be an irritating trait, back on the first Normandy, but now she appreciated it more – if he hadn’t been so patient with her over the last year, they wouldn’t be here, together. 

"I have it mostly under control, thanks to Samara." 

"That Justicar from the sanctuary?" 

"Yeah, her." She leaned back against the seat, nibbling her lower lip. "I've never been comfortable with space walks, if you remember." 

"I do recall a few situations in which you've said so," he quipped, smiling. 

"Well, it's even worse after getting spaced and the _dying_ thing, or however you want to brand it. Was I really dead? I don’t know." 

Kaidan blinked, Shepard shrugged - she hadn't tiptoed around the statement at all and it surprised him a little. She looked at the metal blind, only a few inches of material between her and the infinity of stars. Nothing she wanted to revisit for sure. 

“She used to sit here, on the floor before it all changed – this strange glowing ball of biotics between her hands and her eyes were almost glowing white. It was really _weird_.” She made the motions with her hands, sitting cross legged on the couch. Kaidan smirked when she closed her eyes and grew quiet for a few moments. 

“It’s really difficult to meditate when your brain is in a constant state of chaos,” she spoke quietly, a secret she was willing to part with. “And my head was in a shitty place when I woke up on that table, two years later with a Cerberus logo practically tattooed on my chest.” 

He only watched her, listening to her breathe, a sound he missed hearing for two years. 

“I stopped caring, stopped giving a shit about the things I did, the decisions I made and the people I cared for. I mean,” she licked her lips, “I was already _dead_ – why did it matter in the end... how people remembered me the second time around, not that it mattered the first time, considering how I was labelled crazy.” 

She tried to smile, to shrug it off but he could see the hurt underlying in her words, in her eyes. Coming back to life had been harder than being dead. 

"Anyways, that's beside the point," she rubbed at her head, slowly rubbing the short hairs to comfort herself. Kaidan reached over and did the same, earning a grin from her as she leaned into his touch. There was something addicting about the feeling. "Space terrified me for weeks after I woke up, I'd get panicked to the point where I couldn't move. I slept on the couch in my cabin.” She shrugged when he tugged at her shoulder to bring her into his arms. 

"Do you need me to do a biotic sphere to help you meditate?" He offered as he laid down, pulling her with him to snuggle for a brief moment. Shepard obliged him, his arm around her shoulders. 

"You can do that?" 

She didn't seem to believe him, which made him chuckle a little. He'd learn a trick or two in the past few years. "I can, it's not perfect though." 

"Yeah, I'd... I'd really like that." 

"Then it's settled…" he let his sentence trail off, he never really thought about it before - what Shepard was scared of. It just didn't seem like a possibility that the Commander had any fears but there it was - the stars scared her. 

Not the stars per say, but floating in space. 

Her vulnerability suddenly seemed far too real and for the first time in a long time he wondered if they would be able to live through it all. 


	82. LXXXI. Drowning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Desponia, Leviathan

The waters shifted the deck beneath him, his feet scrape against the metal as he watched the water mech drop into the ocean with Shepard aboard, falling deep down into a seemingly endless abyss. 

He tried not to think about it, the consequences of this decision. 

"Commander?" 

Cortez's voice drifted down from the shuttle, the pit of his stomach froze for a moment - the watery grey sky reminds him of Vancouver but the air isn't supposed to smell so salty. He reached out and grasped a crate to hold his position as the boat rolled violently against the waves. 

"I've lost contact with Shepard." 

Kaidan tried not to think about the words when Cortez looked at him, the Major rubbed the hollow spot under his breastbone. He couldn’t allow the thought to enter his mind. 

"Is the mech still moving?" 

"Yeah, but I just can't contact her." 

He nodded, the damp air made his skin itch and he rubbed his gloved hand across his chin, scratching at the stubble. "Patch the stats on my omni-tool." 

Not that it would do anything, considering she was dropping down towards the bottom of the ocean in a tin can and he was on deck, thousands of feet above her, watching her descend on a screen that flickered oddly from the interference of these artifacts. He pulled out his pistol, shooting another one. 

"Incoming!" James shouted - Kaidan looked up towards the sky, he could see the bright orange ball of the Reaper forces heading their way. He cursed and ran back to the shuttle, ordering Cortez back inside. Kaidan was unaware but as the ball of flames hits the deck, the popping sounds of metal creaking under the pressure sounded eerily like that of glass shattering under the pressure of the ocean. 

_Shepard tried not to think about it, when the glass of the cockpit creaked and groaned, still falling towards the darkness and she tried to ignore the feeling that it's just another watery grave that could easily take her._

__

_Her lips are pursed in thought as she eyed the fissures forming on the lights outside the mech and looked back down towards the dash, taping the depth measurements, just a little over three thousand meters and she was still falling._

__

Snap. 

__

_Shepard looks up._

Kaidan watched the last Brute fall into the water, his biotics going offline as he tapped his omni-tool with his index finger, pursing his lips. The mech had stopped its descent, the bright red light bleeping sideways - she was walking along the bottom. He rubbed his forehead, dread building steadily but he didn't want to think about all the _other_ possibilities. 

He looked over the edge, the waves still pounding at the old abandoned ship, rolling in protest as he frowns at the waters - the darkness swallowing him. 

_Shepard was mesmerised by the heavy light of life in the depth of this ocean._

__

_The subtle glow of the deep sea fish almost makes her forget that there's four thousand cubic pounds of water pressure around her. She wipes at the condensation forming on the glass, felt her lips tug into a smile when an oversize jelly fish bopped across her path._

__

_The mech groaned and creaked as she pushed forward, following the beep of the probe. She lept off another ledge, and watched her descent again on the digital dial, edging closer to five thousand feet and beyond. "Cortez? I'm shutting down all unnecessary power, saving what I can to make it home." she murmured into the silent communicator, hoping that they might still be able to hear her._

Above her, on the surface, Reapers dropped again. The screech of a banshee made Kaidan's teeth rattle and Jame's battle cry set fire to his blood as they dove into battle without a second thought, just like Shepard under them. 

_She peered over the edge of another set of cliffs, wiping at the beads of water rolling down the inside of the cockpit window, the mech is getting colder by the minute but she ignores it. There was light at the bottom - movement that makes her nervous and before she can truly see what is happening, the ground began to shake._

Kaidan felt the pull of the reave, a warp field burst from his fingertips and a deep, gratifying satisfaction when the powers collide, shredding the banshee apart but his celebration is short lived, he heard James shout - a grunt of frustration. 

"Shit," Kaidan flares blue, he can feel his amp heating as a brute grabbed James, lifting him high into the air. Its eyes turned red, howling in victory as it prepared to slam the soldier into the ground but the Major exploded with energy, yanking the brute off its feet, giving Vega enough time to scramble away. 

He felt it, the pressure of his powers pressed against him and there's a pop inside his nasal cavity and before he knew it he can taste the blood in his mouth as the drip of blood made its way across his lips and down his chin. 

The brute fell under a carnage attack, there was a moment's breath when the ship was silent again. Kaidan wiped at his nose, frowning and James loaded another clip into the shotgun. 

"So Blue, that didn't happen on earth," he pointed at his nose, Kaidan shrugged and only said one word as an explanation. 

"Mars." 

_Shepard clutched at her head, the blood flowing freely from her nose as she struggled to maintain control but she lost the battle, the Leviathan was inside her head, seeking her purpose - seeking how to break her will._

__

The darkness cannot be breached. 

__

_She slumped forward, body limp as her mind bent to the will of another and she couldn’t break free. The Leviathan probes her mind, memory after memory exposed and defiled with its alien touch and curiosity - it used every trick in the book to bend her to his will but he didn’t understand why she resisted, how she could overcome his control. It grew more and more fascinated by her questions, her replies and her sense of justice, to manipulate Shepard to let go of her fight._

__

_It almost won - the tight coil of fear sprang into her belly when it told her it will keep her here, indoctrinate her into their bidding because she is nothing more than a lesser race that deserved the Harvest._

__

_She had no control over the situation, she was vulnerable inside her own head and it left a bitter taste in her mouth. Her lips pressed together and she snarled, she couldn’t reason with such arrogance, it was time to stroke their ego._

Kaidan watched the dot on his omni-tool. It hasn't moved in a while and worry twisted at his gut. 

_'But Shepard...' Kaidan watched her tighten the harness around her, she looked up and saw his worry, the slight frown and she knew they both agreed this iwas a crazy idea. None the less..._

__

_'The way home is through Leviathan, Kaidan, I'll be fine.'_

He eyed the glowing artifacts, his only clue as to what might be happening to his lover - they were communicating with someone and it wasn't them, it had to be Shepard. The wind kicked up, the ocean rolled harder and the rain fell steadily. He stepped back onto the shuttle for some marginal cover from the weather and leaned against the wall, his eyes never leaving the very platform Shepard had dropped from and waited. 

He was good at waiting and it had already been over two hours. 

"How much oxygen does she have left?" He asks Cortez, the pilot eyes his omni-tool scratching at his chin. 

"If she turned off all non-critical power sources and isn't panicked, maybe forty-five minutes at most. Otherwise..." 

Kaidan didn't want to think about that. 

_Her eyes snapped open, lurching forward on her seat as the mech activated and pushed from the rocky ground, leaving behind the aliens watching her ascent back to the surface._

We will fight them, Shepard, you are an anomaly in this cycle and the Reapers fear you. 

_She shivered violently inside the cockpit, her head still swimming with the presence of the Leviathan as the deep ocean's cold sank into her bones. She couldn’t catch her breath, she clawed at the window but the darkness was still too thick and she lost all sense of direction and time._

The loud scrape of metal against metal caught Kaidan's attention as they take cover from a new wave of Reaper forces attacking, two brutes barrelling down the narrow pathways with a single goal in mind. He saw it, the water mech opening and spitting out Shepard before it fell back into the water, its precious cargo safe from the depth of the ocean. 

She wasn’t moving. 

He refused to think about that. 

He leapt from cover, his eyes locking with one brute as it stood up and pounded its chest. Time slowed done, he could almost see the individual drops of rain falling between them. One brute turned against the other and Kaidan dove for Shepard, lifting her to her feet but she didn’t respond- she was moving slowly, stumbling as she struggled to her feet. 

"Shepard?" 

Her eyes fluttered open for a moment, she couldn’t breathe and she clawed at her neck, she was dragged aboard the shuttle and the feel of gravity shifting under her body unsettled her stomach. Kaidan rubbed her back as the bile spills from her lips. 

"She's frozen, quick get the emer-" 

She coughed, her breath finally catching up with the rest of her body and she sat up, her mind free completely from the Leviathan. Kaidan wrapped her tightly into one of the emergency blankets kept on board the shuttle and rubbed her arms. 

"Are you with me?" he murmured, concern evident on his face as he caught her frantic gaze. She nodded, wiping at the blood drying on her face. She frowned and let Kaidan pull her against him, his hands still rubbing her back - trying to push away his own chill. 

"Never do that again." 

Shepard's shoulders shook as she hid her face into the crook of his neck, quietly letting out a sob - no one would ever know how close she'd come to losing herself to them and she wasn't sure what her deal with the Leviathan meant in the end. 

Had she doomed the Galaxy all over again? What had she done? 

_Fuck_ . 


	83. LXXXII. Rated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Normandy SR-2, Captain Loft; Perseus Veil

Untangling herself from Kaidan's limbs, Shepard sat up in bed, rubbing the velvet fuzz of her head. Her nightmares were more and more frequent as of late - always the strange oily shadows, the whispers from the dead made it hard to understand the message. She shook herself free from the dream, the sounds of her waking stirred her lover awake, she glanced at him while he stretched with a yawn that made her belly tingle. 

"Time to get up?" he murmured, his hair mussed and curled in strange directions. She gave him lopsided grin, her fingers reaching out to one particular curl that stuck out funny and tried to push it back into the rest of his hair. It was stubborn, considering her nails had done a pretty good job at destroying the pompadour a few hours ago. They hadn't made love that fiercely in a long time. 

Something about the Leviathans must of triggered that need to know they were still here, still within each other's grasp. 

"Not yet but, we're almost to the Veil," she laid back down, curling into his open, waiting arms, tucking her head under his chin. She could hear the soft steady beat of his heart beneath his ribcage, a smile lingering on her lips. He shifted under her, kissing the top of her head while a hand wandered across her bare back. 

"You really think the quarians are going to pick a fight with the geth while all this is going on?" Kaidan wondered out loud - Shepard raised a brow, wondering if he'd lost his marbles. 

"Do quarians wear environmental suits?" 

"Alright, fine. Stupid question." He sighed, pulling her closer to him, the bubbling sound of the tank lulling him into a sleepy state again. 

"Kaidan," she started, he merely hummed his acknowledgement, she bit back a laugh - he squeezed her shoulder. She decided to say nothing, instead she just listened to him breathe, the rise and fall of his chest far more important than burdening him with the nonsensical dreams that were plaguing her. 

She'd work them out eventually. 

"Do... do you think we can get them to focus on the Reapers?" 

"The quarians or the geth?" 

"Both." 

There was a pause that seemed far too long - maybe the question was too hard to answer. How do you convince two people intent on killing one another to put that aside and focus on a larger problem? 

"I don't know... It's going to be difficult to get the quarians to see past their masks, I think." Kaidan murmured, the rich sleepy velvet of his voice warming her belly. "And the geth... well, I know you said you had one on the Normandy during the Collector mission but I'm not sure if they're going to agree to a cease fire." 

"More of a coming to a consensus to cease fire." She corrected, Kaidan shrugged. "Most aren't going to agree, I'm almost certain." Her fingers twirled around one of his nipples, the touch made him smile lazily. "We're probably going against the heretic geth anyways, by the sound of things." 

"Heretic geth?" he opened one eye, glancing down at her. She grinned, understanding the wariness of the question. 

"Yes, the geth have two factions." She slipped her thigh over his hip, noticing a certain part of him standing to attention. "The Heretics are the ones who have left the Veil and have hooked up with Saren, Sovereign and the collectors." 

Kaidan cleared his throat quietly, ignoring her leg. "I take it they're not in agreement with the other geth?" 

"No, the heretics worship the Reapers, whom are called the Old Machines, according to Legion. That's when I figured out that the Reapers had really... fucked up programming. They need to be taken offline-" 

Kaidan flipped her over on her back, suddenly more interested in doing something entirely unrelated to the geth. He slipped between her legs as she wrapped her thighs around his hips, he kissed her mouth - making her lips pliable under his lead. She let out a soft moan when she felt his shaft pressing against her warming entrance. 

"Shepard," he murmured - she shivered under him, "We got a few more minutes, right?" 

"Right," she nipped at the dip of his chin, he grinned when he felt her lips stretch into a knowing smile. 

"I think it's time we both agree that this problem with the quarians is pretty high on the bullshit scale." He let his voice drop down to the particular octave that he knew turned her into putty. 

"It most certainly is," she said breathlessly as he slowly pushed into her. Her back arched under him and he closed his eyes when she let out a gasp of need, relishing the feel of her under him. 

"And-" 

"Less talking, Major, more action," she quipped between groans and rolled her hips to drive the point home. 

He couldn't have said it better himself. 


	84. LXXXIII. Danger Ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Post Dreadnought, Normandy SR-2

Her knuckles ached, clenched tightly against her hip as she stalked out of the war room. Her movements lacked their normal fluidity and she knew it, she can feel the panic edging its way to the surface so she buried it deeply under her anger. 

_Get off my ship, Admiral_ . 

The entire room had fallen silent when Shepard had burst through the doors, her rage palpable to anyone who knew her. The smallest red scars on her face were almost glowing as she pointed to each quarian on her ship. They'd nearly killed her, nearly killed Kaidan and Tali. 

Hearing them justify their reasoning behind firing on the geth ship she was trying to escape from had driven her over the edge and she had lost control over her emotions, her actions and just _... reacted_. 

Out of _fear_. 

The elevator doors slid shut behind her, the silence grating on her nerves further as her mind shifted from anger to panic. Her breath caught in her throat and she leaned towards the wall and pressed her forehead against it. 

Her mind wouldn't listen, and adrenaline flooded her blood as the memory trickled in - her feet lifting from the debris of the tube and for a split moment she was airborne, floating in space. 

_Darkness edged her vision, she screamed again, coughing, gasping for every breath, her fingers grasping at the leak she couldn't reach - **fuck**. _

Her body shuddered violently, her fingers shaking as the fear gripped her tight and wouldn't let go. She was frozen in time, her memory of an endless sea of stars before her, the sound of her oxygen escaping and the Normandy burning around her. 

She gasped for air, her pulse almost out of control. 

"Commander? Your vitals are erratic, do you need assistance?" EDI's voice flooded the elevator but she didn’t hear her, she was lost inside her death. She felt it, the cold numbing vacuum of space sucking out the warmth of her suit and she was unable to escape. 

Her back slid down the wall, curling herself into a ball as panic completely gripped her. All she can see are the stars and the bright blue planet of Rannoch above her spinning - her body weightless and lost. She was supposed to have it under control, she was _supposed_ to be above this. She was Commander Fucking Shepard, not a FNG who'd ever been out in space before. 

EDI forced the elevator doors to open as Kaidan rushed towards her after the AI pinged him about the commander. He found his lover curled on the floor, eyes wide and unblinking. He knelt down, tugging at her arms to snap her out of it but she was unresponsive. He forced her to sit up and wrapped her in his arms. 

"EDI, don't let anyone on just now, take us up to the loft." 

"Yes, Major." 

He felt the elevator move, lifting the Commander as he stood, keeping her close to his chest. Her fingers grip the front of his chest hard, her rasping breath frightening him as he entered the cabin and quickly made his way to the bed. He laid her down and settled next to her, wrapping his entire body around hers. 

"Shepard, can you hear me?" 

She didn’t answer, her body still tense with panic as the memory played over and over - her death, the lack of air, the regrets and the bright fire of the Normandy's corpse. 

In the thick blanket of fear, she heard him - this time though it's not his broken voice on a communicator, it was whispers. 

"You're fine," the numbness subsided. 

"We're still alive, come back to me," The Normandy faded away. 

His hands were warm against her skin, lips on lips and her tension let go - the stars wink out one by one. 

"Shepard.” Her name was like liquid fire, warming her frozen core - freeing her from fear, and the sound of air escaping her suit is drowned out by his presence. 

Her fingers grasped the material at his chest, "Kai-Kai-Kaidan," she couldn’t speak, her mouth was numb and her lips forgot how to form words. He held her tight, kissing her temple, her hair - his hands rubbing her back in comfort. 

"It's ok, I'm right here," he whispered, and she believed him. Slowly, seconds turn into minutes, soon an hour had passed and she was relaxed enough to bury her face in his chest. 

"Thank you, for being here" she murmured. 

He said nothing; instead he tucked her head under his chin and held her tighter. He wanted to squeeze the fear right out of her, take the burden from her. He wanted to stand as her shield against the nightmares but he _can't_. 

This is a fight she had to take on, on her own and he hated every second of it. 


	85. LXXXIV. Under the Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Rannoch

Tali stood alone, staring out into the vast lush emptiness of her planet. 

Hers, she kept telling herself, as though the words seemed completely surreal, and it was. She didn't know what to say, or do - here she was, standing on the very ground she didn't think she'd live long enough to see, taking it back for her people. 

The reality of it was almost too much. 

She felt at odds with herself. The life of a nomad had always been her way and suddenly, she had the chance to return home and settle with her people. But, she didn't want to.

Was it selfish of her to reject such a life? 

"The living room window is going to be here", she told Shepard, the commander smiling and patting her in encouragement. 

"Let's get the Reaper off the planet first."

The memory swirled, guilt ate at her. Maybe she was being selfish, but there were bigger problems in the galaxy right now and her people's behaviour from the last three hundred years had nearly jeopardized Shepard. Twice they'd almost killed the one person that could potentially end the Reapers. 

In fact, they'd all watched her take one on foot and win.

"Shepard, don't-" 

Shepard heard Kaidan in the background, he was livid and relieved, his expression kind of humorous. She took off her helmet before grabbing his, tearing it off easily. Tali heard the commander's laughter float on the wind of her home planet. 

"I'm okay Kaidan.” Shepard could hear the grin, the don't-worry-so-much tone she used on everyone but Kaidan was smarter than that, he'd never bought into her commander persona and he wasn't about to start. 

"I mean it, I swear to the Maker if you try to pull something like that again…" His argument was cut off mid-sentence and Tali looked away as Shepard brought Kaidan's lips to her own and smiled against the kiss. The fight went all out of him as he wrapped his arms around her. 

Well, he could only resist Shepard up to a point, Tali noted, grinning. 

"Did you see that? Did you see how I took that fucker down," Shepard exclaimed excitedly, still clutching to Alenko, shaking him by the shoulders with every ‘did you see.’ 

"How could I not?" He sighed, exasperated, but he was smiling. 

Tali looked up towards the sky, the clouds gathering up high above in the atmosphere. She reached up and pulled off her mask, her face in the breeze, the sun warm on her skin. After the war was over and she was done traveling the galaxy, she would come home and someday, she would feel the rain of Rannoch on her face. 

But not today. 

"Shepard," she called over to her captain, a smile on her lips as Kaidan blinked at the quarian's exposed face, "I wish to join the Normandy in your fight against the Reapers." 

Shepard grinned, her hand pulling the young Admiral into a crushing hug.


	86. LXXXV. Relaxation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Normandy SR-2, Poker Table

_"Tell your friends we're coming for them?"_ Vega shook his head, his shoulders still shaking with laughter as he listened to Kaidan tell the play by play of the commander's achievement. She threw her cards down, a little ticked she was losing again. She narrowed her eyes at the lieutenant, she could have sworn the bastard was cheating. 

"Yeah, it was a little much but it had the desired effect. That Reaper didn't say anything after that, she turned on the laser again and _boom_ the Normandy and the Flotilla opened fire again on it. I was just ... _pissed._ " 

"I bet you were, Blue," Vega grinned, "Lola's a bit off the walls." 

"A little?" Shepard laughed at Kaidan's surprise, he of all people knew exactly just how borderline loony she could be. "Have you ever driven the Mako with the Commander, Vega?" 

Shepard rolled her eyes, now they were going to swap _Survival of the Commander's Driving Skill_ stories. She drove just fine, it wasn't her fault the technology wouldn't _adapt_ to her aggressive skills. She got up from the table, walking up to the bar and poured herself another drink. 

She swirled the liquid in her glass, her stare unfocused with grief, bitter and heavy in the hollow of her chest - she was starting to get used to the feeling and it only served to make her angrier. 

She lost Legion today, she shouldn't feel so placated by it, she should be using that to fuel the fire to fight but... she only felt more exhausted, and exhaustion usually led to those weird dreams... She shuddered. Something about that kid that died in the space port still rubbed her the wrong way. 

There was a lot to be said about the geth but this particular platform had grown on her. He had died, giving birth to intelligence to his people so the war could stop. He was more of a hero than she would ever be. He'd sacrificed himself to ensure a future for his people and Tali. 

If anything, Legion liked Tali in however a geth can like someone, and Shepard was sure Tali had grown fond of the AI after her initial fear and reservations were put aside. Now, after 300 years, the two races were working together to better themselves, to free the quarians from their own self-imposed isolation. 

Kaidan's hand rested on her lower back, leaning into him as he pressed his chest to her. 

"Are you alright?" 

"Yeah... just thinking of Legion." 

"I never thought I would actually like a _geth_." 

"He was interesting, alright." she smirked, he wrapped his arms around her, his fingers twining into hers as they watched their reflection in the mirrored shelves of the bar. 

"Was... he wearing your N7 armour?" 

She grinned and quoted _"There was a hole"_ and left it at that, Kaidan shrugged, nibbling on the shell of ear, distracting her. 

"Ready for bed?" he asked, the tone suggesting more than just sleep. She smiled at him, telling him to lead the way. 

"Sir, yes sir." 


	87. LXXXVI. Spiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Post Thessia, Normandy SR-2

He waved goodbye to Engineer Adams, deep in thought on what happened down on Thessia as he stepped out into the short hallway overlooking the Hangar of the Normandy. Kaidan leaned his hands against the edge of the console there and watched Cortez and Vega banter for a moment before heading into the elevator. 

Liara was taking this hard. 

Not just the fall of Thessia, but knowing that your own people, who were the first to lay down the galactic laws on prothean artifacts, were going against every written rule to keep the edge on the universe, was something hard to swallow. The worst part, the asari councillor had been well aware of it. 

It was frustrating, almost infuriating to think that Cerberus was constantly one step ahead of them and Shepard... well Shepard wasn’t used to losing, especially with a mission that could potentially unlock the Crucible’s purpose. Leng had walked away with the VI they needed without breaking a sweat. 

Shepard had almost disappeared on him again, the gut wrenching fear he felt when he saw her drop into the hole of the floor still flooded his system every time he thought about it. He stopped on the crew deck, intent on checking on Liara and grabbing a cup of his hot cocoa before finding his lover but as the doors of the elevator slid open, he noticed Tali stood in front of the memorial wall, twisting her hands nervously. 

“Something on your mind, Tali?” he asked, surprising her. 

“Kaidan! Oh... well, I was just thinking about Shepard.” 

He looked up towards the memorial wall before walking past Tali, motioning to her to follow him. "What about her?" He stepped up to the cupboards, digging through the tins for his mother's cocoa. She'd managed to send him some after he'd tracked her down on earth. Still nothing about his father though... he was worried for his mother but she was keeping it together, helping refugees and leading them to safety. 

"Well... I talked to her about Liara, she seemed on edge before she went in to see her and after an hour or so, she stormed out and went down to Engineering to see you." 

He looked over his shoulder, eyebrow raised in wonder for a moment, he remembered Shepard coming in while he was discussing Liara with Adams. She had fidgeted, asking her general _checking-up-on-the-crew_ questions. 

Now that he thought about it, it seemed a little weird. She'd seemed almost too calm considering the events. 

"She was angry?" 

"I'm not sure if angry would be the right word. She seemed..." Tali trailed off, trying to find the word to be translated properly, "Agitated." 

Kaidan stilled his hand over the mugs, considering what that meant. He took two spoonfuls of the cocoa and poured in the warmed milk. No cinnamon sticks to plop into the mix - not that they had whip cream to use... his hot chocolate plan wasn't working out. 

"I was just on my way up,” he murmured, grabbing the two hot cups, “I need to check in on her anyway, Tali, I'll let you know.” He gave her a warm glance before turning on his heels and heading towards Liara’s office, his thoughts still on Shepard. 

Agitated? Shepard was never _agitated_. He stepped through Liara’s office, her body curled into a ball onto her bed, he could hear her soft sobbing, shoulders shaking as he approached her and sat on the bed. He nudged her. Liara sat up, wiping at her eyes and gave him a watery smile that made his insides ache. 

“Hey, Liara – here.” He handed her the hot mug, eyeing her while she took a small tentative sip. She smiled at him in thanks, tipping the mug for another sip. 

“I’ve... upset Shepard, I think.” She started, her voice soft. 

“How so?” 

“I was saying things without thinking... and forgot myself. I just-" 

He grabs her shoulder, a sympathetic look in his eyes. "I'm sorry about Thessia and the temple, it's hard to find out so many hidden things about your people, especially from Javik." 

"He didn't help much," she narrowed her eyes, the strong hum of biotics rattled his teeth for a moment but he understood. 

"No, he's a dick," he said with a soft smile, earning a snort of laughter from the asari. 

He stayed a few more minutes while she finished her cup of cocoa, he stood up and smoothed out his BDUs before wishing her good night and stepping back out onto the crew deck. He stopped by the kitchen and made a fresh cup of cocoa for his lover, reheating his and headed up towards the Captain's Cabin. 

The red circle didn’t deter him, already aware of the password to enter - he waited for the doors to open before entering the dark cabin. He heard the soft thrum of water from the bathroom and he set the one hot mug on the desk and marched himself over to the bed and puts his on the table next to his side. He walked back to the bathroom door and took a deep breath before pressing the button to enter the room. 

He found her curled up into a ball at the back of their bathroom. The water is running high and hot - the steam almost burning him. He knelt next to her, his hand rubbing her naked back. She didn’t responding to him, her body like a lump on the ground. He sat down, pulling her onto his lap, tucking her head under his chin. 

"I have hot chocolate for you," he murmured, succeeding in catching her attention, she stirred a little on his lap. 

"With whip?" 

"No, but it's my mother's cocoa." 

"How did you manage to sneak that on the ship without me noticing?" 

"I have my ways," he kissed the top of head. She fell back into silence and he can feel her shivering a little. He reaches up and finds the towel on the counter top and wraps her inside it. She was still limp in his arms but she leaned her head against his chest. 

"There's not much you could have done differently, Shepard," she tensed in his grip but he forged on, she needed to hear this. "They used the Reaper attack to their advantage, waited for you and the team to clean up the mess and figure out how to unlock the VI." 

She fisted her hands into his shirt, she knew he was right but she wasn't willing to let go of the guilt. He could feel his sweat beading at the base of his hairline and resisted the urge to wipe at it. He was getting soaked, but that was fine. Kaidan rocked her slowly from side to side, trying to find the right words but it was hard. She was completely closed off. 

"Who brings a sword to a gun fight?" she moaned, a hiccup in her breath. He blinked, surprised that her first complaint is that Kai Leng was still using that damnable sword that had killed Thane. 

"Uh, a Reaper filled super magic ninja?" he says pointedly, earning a laugh out of her before she sobbed once, trying to keep her emotions under control. 

"I feel like we're losing this fight, Kaidan." she whispered, her mood spiralling quickly into despair. 

"We didn't lose the war, Shepard - we just lost one battle." 

"A really fucking _important_ battle, Kaidan," she shouted, her frustration manifesting itself as she shook, vibrating with every syllable. She took in a deep breath, closing her eyes, trying to find her center. "I... Liara's face after losing on Thessia, I got really angry with her." She bit her lip, trying to remember what she was mad about in the first place. "We left earth burning to the ground, but Thessia is still standing; I snapped at her, it took everything in me to keep my mouth shut while she..." 

She sighed, "I don't even know what I mean." 

"Everyone goes through grief differently, Shepard." He slipped his hand under her chin, making her look at him. Her eyes were brimmed red, puffy with tears shed a long time ago. She sniffed awkwardly while he searched her eyes. 

"You get really angry and focus that feeling into your drive to do better. I bury myself into work and push everyone away," he leaned in, kissed her lips softly, trying to tell her that it would be okay, despite what she thought. "Thessia isn't the first planet to fall to the Reapers and it won't be the last. Liara knows this, but it's hard to watch your people fall." 

Shepard fisted her hands into his shirt, letting out a breath slowly before he pressed his forehead against hers for a brief moment. He rubbed her arms when she shivered again. "We need to focus on getting the VI back from Cerberus and finish what you started." 

She closed her eyes, nodding. 

"Now, let's get you out of here. I'm soaked and that hot chocolate isn't going to drink itself." He picked her up, cradling her in his arms. 

"Did you at least put in the milk?" 

"I _did_ have milk. You drink my cocoa once and suddenly you're an expert at it," he huffed indignantly. She let out a bark of laughter, his lips suppressing a smirk. Shepard let him carry her, her head against his shoulder and swiped up the mug from the desk as they walked by it. 

She was too tired to care if she didn't make it to bed on her own two feet and there was no one in the cabin except for him and her - he was the only one allowed to see her like this. Broken and needing mending. She _wante_ d him to carry her burden, even if it meant literally carrying her. 

It's what partners were for, right? 

He put her down on the bed, she sat up against the pillows while she sipped her mug, watching him strip down to nothing and crawl in next to her. She hid a smile when he pulled a report from the side table and quickly took a sip from his cup before getting settled in next to her. 

There was something soothing about just sitting here, together in silence. 

"Thanks, Kaidan," she murmured, feeling like the weight was lifting from her shoulders already. He looked up from the pad, letting it go before reaching out and cupping her cheek in his palm and leaned in to kiss her tenderly. 

"Anytime, you know that." 

Shepard smiled against his lips, he tasted like cocoa. 


	88. LXXXVII. Drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Normandy SR-2, Bar

"To the Cheerleader," Tali lifted her glass, clinking with that of Shepard's before slipping something inside the glass and into a small port outside her helmet. 

Shepard blinked her bleary eyes, the alcohol already swimming darkly in her system. Maybe she should start reading labels when she decides to share a drink with the crew. This stuff was hitting her like a Krogan head-butt. 

"To Miranda, and her-" she burped, earning a glare from the quarian but Shepard ignored it and continued on, tapping her fist on her chest to clear the bubble threatening to come up, "-ability to clean up messes." 

"Cl- _hic_ -ean up messes?" Tali wondered out loud, "did that really count, considering the reapers were picking them off one by one and destroying the fake Cerberus husks?" She half mumbled, stumbling over the words. Shepard shrugged, the room oddly spinning for a second. 

"Well, she did clean up her _father_." 

Tali snorted, "Right out of the window." 

Shepard let out a strong snort of laughter, missing the sound of the doors sliding shut behind them. Kaidan stood quietly by the couches, observing the two women huddled at the bar, celebrating their victory over Cerberus and halting the refugees from going there. 

"What _is_ that?" Shepard wobbled a little bit on the stool, which set Kaidan on edge for a second, tensing to catch her if she fell but she recovered. 

"This is a special port, for emergencies when I need to consume things without taking my suit off." 

"It's a straw, Tali." she pointed out, deadpanning the obvious. 

"It's an E-e-e-e-emergency Induction Port," she drawled out, and Shepard's eyebrow rose, her mouth set in a hard line. 

"It is not, that's a-" Shepard slid off the stool and fell to the ground, rolling to her back, laughing. Tali looked around for a second, wondering where Shepard had gone before cluing in she'd fallen to the ground. 

"Commander," Kaidan cut in, Shepard looked up towards him, her smile almost infectious. He controlled the urge magnificently if he did say so himself. 

"Major," she slurred, waving to him to join her on the floor but he merely stepped up to her and crossed his arms, eyeing her. Tali was mumbling into her drink, something about straws and ports. 

"How come I wasn't invited to your little party?" 

"Girls night only, to celebrate the Cheer- I mean Miranda," Tali cut in, waving her glass. Kaidan looked at her, barely able to hide his grin. Tali didn't notice. 

"Yes, girls only," Shepard supported. Kaidan raised a brow. 

"What are you drinking?" He looked over to the bar, Tali having wandered off to the couches to lay down. 

"Something purple... or pink," she replied. 

"That stuff that always gives you one hell of a headache in the morning?" He quipped, leaning on one foot and watched her as she sat up. 

"Maybe, I forget." 

"So, it would be a terrible idea to check the fire alarms tomorrow or maybe even get Joker to serenade you awake in the morning." 

"What? That's a terrible idea." She huffed indignantly, staring at him wide eyed. 

"Are you questioning your superior?" 

"Only if my superior likes to sleep on the couch," she fired back. Kaidan suppressed his grin. 

"Just for that threat, Commander, I think I'll be checking the fire alarms every hour on the hour tomorrow." 

Shepard rubbed her forehead, feeling her headache already brewing, maybe it was time for her to go to bed. 

"Nobody likes a smart ass, Major." 

"I do." 

"I hate you." 

"I hate you..." he waved his arm, waiting for her to finish. 

"Sir," she gritted out looking up at him defiantly, only to be caught off guard with one of the most brilliant smiles she'd ever seen on him. 

"I'm just teasing," he chuckled at her, amused. 

She narrowed her eyes, unimpressed. "I really do hate you." 

"I'm sure, now come to bed. You have a big day tomorrow - we still have to track Leng and get that VI back." 

She sighed, taking his hand to lift her off the ground and let him lead her back to their room. 

"I don't really hate you," she murmured, feeling guilty. 

Kaidan laughed, turning around to pull her into a kiss that curled her toes. 

"I know." 


	89. LXXXVIII. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Normandy SR-2, Captain's Loft  
> Warning: Sexual Situations

There was something _different_ this time. About him, about her as they stood in the door way of her cabin - he held two glasses, a bottle of rum and a crooked grin that lied. She tapped the data pad against her elbow as she crossed her arms, the corners of her lips curling up slightly as she moved aside to let him in. 

He knew she was pacing like a lioness in her den, the thoughts scrambling and jumbling, he could almost hear the question going over and over in her head - were they ready? 

_Yes._

There was no question about it. She'd done everything she could, done everything humanly possible and then some. 

One drink poured into the clear glass, her lips meet the brim of it and she lets the alcohol burn down her throat, her eyes on her lover as he speaks, her gaze never leaving his lips as they moved across memories. His thumb brushes her cheek, she takes another sip while his fingers slide down her neck and rest behind her nape. He's sitting closer and closer, her hands are now on his, fingers entwined. 

_It's going to be what it is._ He murmurs, head tilted to the side to catch her gaze, which suddenly seemed more interested in the table. He leans over and catches the bottle again, pouring out another finger of the liquor, just enough to soothe out her tension and to relax that muscle in her shoulder that hadn't been set right ever since she woke up on the slab of metal in that Cerberus facility. 

He leaned in after a while, a smile curling on his lips from her bad joke or his, neither of them were sure at this point. His hand on her jaw to pull her closer and she let him - her mind pleasantly relaxed, the lioness lulled into slumber. He kissed her, tenderly and fiercely at the same time; he claimed her as she claimed him the same pushing him down so she can crawl across his lap to just look at him. 

Her thumb rubbed gingerly against his cheekbone, her smile faded and he grabbed her hand and leaned into it, his gaze still on hers. 

"What's wrong?" 

She doesn't know how to say it. Somewhere along the line she'd done more than just fall for him, deeper than she should have allowed herself or deserved, and she still couldn't open up her mouth to form the words and just _say it_. 

Coward. 

"Thanks," she said instead of _I love you_ , her smile crept back onto her face but he can see the lack of light in her eyes and he frowned. 

"For what?" 

"For being here, for letting me think of something else for a while so I don't go insane more than I already am," she earned a chuckle from him, "Thanks for... _everything_." 

There was a strange finality to her words that lingered between them and he didn’t like the sound of it. He grabbed both of her hands and pressed them against his chest, staring at them as he contemplated her words. 

"Everything? We're not done with _everything_ just yet, Shepard," he raised a brow, his lips quirking slightly at her expression when she heard the promise there. 

"Oh? We're not?" She murmured with an impish grin. Kaidan let out a soft chuckle, pulling her down towards him, his lips seeking hers. 

"Not by a long shot." 

His kiss is different than normal, she discovered – it was soft, gentle in its journey across her own, down her chin and stumbling across her pulse. She can feel the difference; it was not hurried, it wasn’t demanding and she didn’t want it to be for once. 

There's a tenderness they don't usually share during their trysts of _after_ -mission coupling where their need is tangible with energy and the gladness to be alive overrode anything else. He picked her up from the couch, her legs entwined around him and pulled him closer to her, her lips on his again before he set her on her feet by the foot of the bed. 

With eager and practiced movements, their clothes fell one by one to the floor, gathering at their feet - she felt the cool air against her heating skin when his lips explored her neck, collarbone and the dip of her pulse point. She felt his breath hot and moist against her skin and she shivered at his touch. His fingertips trailed down the length of her spine gently and his lips pulled back in a smirk when she gasped softly, shuddering at the feather-light touches. 

He grabbed her hips, pulling them against his own as he dipped her back slightly, burying his face in the valley of her breasts, licking the dip there as she arched backwards, her arms circling his shoulders to hold on to him. He stepped towards the bed slowly, giving her the chance to follow but she's too distracted. Her feet tangle with his and they both stumbled into bed, laughing. 

She was still smiling when she rolled him over, her naked body pressing against his when their lips meet again, her chuckle trailing off as he opened his mouth to let her explore. His hands traveled up her thighs and find the curves of her ass, he squeezed them gently before caressing her lower back and resting them on her hips. 

It's _different_ , everything is different this time. 

Her fingers entwined in his hair, her arms tight around his head as she deepened the kiss but there's no heavy weight of lust between them, no hard grinds of flesh, no ache to fulfill between her legs - only the soft hollow beat of her heart against his that guided them. 

He opened his eyes for a moment, breaking the kiss long enough to whisper her name, and slowly flipped them over. Laying between her legs, Kaidan's hands explore every inch he can touch, his lips fused to her neck as he licks and nips the skin tenderly, making her moan softly. Her hands are still deep in his hair, her body arching into him as he finds that one sensitive spot on her shoulder that never failed to have her squirming. 

He laughed when she makes a strange little strangled sound - he loved it, always makes her do it because it thrilled him to know he's the only one that can wrest that sound from her. She grinned, shaking her head and let her hands slide down his neck and explore the wide expanse of his shoulders. She bit her lower lip when she felt his muscular back roll under her finger tips - the heat of his body heating hers. 

Her nails scraped down his back gently at first but his sharp intake of breath convinced her to do it again, but this time she left puffy red welts along the length of his spine to make him arch against her touch, hips grinding against hips. 

The tenderness turns a shade darker, his fingers now digging into her hip, squeezing the flesh of her ass. He rolled his hips against hers and presses his erection between their bodies. She moaned a little louder, her need clear to both of them. 

Everything is different and she can't quite put her finger on what it is exactly. 

His teeth nip and pull at her skin, her nails dig half moons on his lower back and his name slips between her lips - his brow furrows in concentration, his mouth filled with the taste of Shepard. He can't get enough of her, he felt like a man in a desert looking to quench his thirst. 

He rolled his hips again, her wet sex against him makes him shudder, he nipped at her skin harder, his fingers constantly moving and exploring her, trying to commit this moment to his memory just in case... 

Everything is different, she can feel it deep down in herself when he moved against her, she knew its different when he slid into her gently - her lust for him is still strong but unquenchable. When he was deep within her and she felt him move - hips against hips, skin against skin, she finally understood what it was that is so entirely different. 

His soft moans turn into grunts as he pumped his hips, his body hums and she could feel the small thrill of excitement bubbling as she sees the tendrils of his biotics appear. Her skin tingled and she whispered for him to let go - she wanted to see him glowing blue. 

Her words affect him in ways she'd never understand, he lost himself in her - his heart racing with the release of eezo in his blood. Adrenaline running high within both of them as his biotics expand and envelop them. Her belly warmed with the familiar tight coil as she dug her fingers into his flesh, her own moans joining with his. Her pulse peaked, her mouth twisting and she heard him whisper for her to come, to let herself go and she did just that. He wasn’t far behind her as she tumbled over the edge, her body arching as he curled against her, releasing into her. 

They lay together for a while, breathless and wordless. Entangled, Kaidan's head is tucked under her chin as he listened to her heart and she massaged around the scar of his amp, humming silently off tune. Unspoken promises slip between them but the reality of what tomorrow could bring pressed against their peace. 

"Kaidan," she whispered, scared to break the spell around them. 

"Yeah?" He murmured, he kissed her breast bone, enjoying the feel of her body against his. 

"I love you." 

He stilled, blinking. It was the first time she'd said it out loud and it surprised her, but she figured out why everything felt so odd since he'd walked into her cabin a few hours before. She'd cemented herself with the feeling over the years but it was the first time she'd found the courage to actually _say_ it. 

Kaidan lifted his head, his brown eyes meeting hers and the smallest of smiles pulled at his lips - he let out a soundless chuckle and leaned into her, kissing her lips. 

"Took you long enough to say it." 

"Technically, its only taken me a year." She grinned, pulling him closer as she felt him grow hard again, ready to take her. 

"Details," he scoffed, making her laugh and suddenly the atmosphere changed between them, it was hot and electric. There was a glint in his eyes that made her belly flip flop in the right kind of ways and made her lust come back ten folds. 

"I love you too, Shepard." He buried himself inside her swiftly, making her moan loudly - her nails biting into his flesh and he lost all control. 

For the first time in weeks, they were more than ready for what the morrow would bring. 


	90. LXXXIX. Horror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Cronos Station, Cerberus HQ

The video flickered to life across the screen, a simple list of logs blinked at her. She wasn't sure she wanted to know what exactly was there for her to see but EDI had been quite pushy on the subject. 

She eyed the android, rubbing the back of her own head. Her nerves were frayed; maybe it was because of the two factions of humans fighting each other just outside the station while they searched for the catalyst. 

Maybe it was because of the truth that lay in waiting for her. 

She looked over her shoulder, Kaidan was right behind her, watching. He was just as curious, she was sure. She focused back on the screen, choosing to listen to them one by one. 

She hadn't been ready to see it. 

Her knees weakened for a moment, forcing her lean forward on the console, her fingers perched precariously as she tried to grasp the truth. 

She had _really_ died. 

It wasn't a coma, or some sort of frozen sleep. No - she was dead as dead. 

_Just meat and tubes when I saw you, Shepard._

Jacob hadn't been exaggerating. 

_"Her brain was kept intact in the helmet but bringing her back..." the scientist shook his head, unable to even fathom the idea of defying the very nature of life._

__

_"Miranda Lawson will be head of Project Lazarus."_

Kaidan's hand squeezed her shoulder, she looked up and met his gaze, hot shame burned her through and through. 

"Kaid-" she started, he shook his head. 

"I thought you were in a coma, but... I was wrong. You really were dead." 

"I didn't think... I didn't realise it was that bad. I mean... what if I'm not really Shepard, what if I'm just a VI that thinks-" 

"No." Kaidan's voice held a chord of strength, of confidence she hadn't heard before when they talked about her time with Cerberus. "If anything, Shepard, you're you. You feel real enough to me and that's all that matters." 

"That's a nice sentiment, Kaidan but-" 

"Shepard. I doubt a copy would be able to pull any of the stunts you've pulled so far and your memory of every single thing that's happened between us over the years is more than just accurate, it's downright almost scary how you remember things." 

She bit her lip, twisting her hands. Why was this question so important now? Amidst the chaos of a burning station, searching for the key to end the reapers. Why was the question of her existence so important? 

Because, if she didn't truly believe in herself, she wouldn't be able to really pull this off. 

She knew the answer. She knew... it was probable that she was just a clone no matter what anyone said but did it really matter? 

Yes. 

It mattered because she wanted to know if her love for Kaidan was real, if her sense of justice and her ghosts were hers and not that of another - an inheritance of sorts that was truly twisted. 

She opened another log and she watched her lump of a body turn from a shapeless mass to her. It really _was_ her. Miranda's voice slipped in and out of time, data fluttered across the screen quickly as EDI broke through the security system. 

There was a feeling inside her chest that broke free. 

Confirmation. 

She really was Shepard. Not a copy or a clone, she was herself. 

She turned away from the console, a lump in her throat before reaching out to grab Kaidan's hand and squeezing it. He looked a little pale, the shock of seeing her in such a way probably sent him back a little in his grief but... she wasn't a fake. 

They both knew for sure now. 

"I have gained access to the door's locking mechanism, we may proceed." EDI was already through the door. Shepard flexed her arm, omni-blade bursting to life as she tested it. 

She looked over her shoulder and grinned at Kaidan, she could feel the quickening of the night, the end of Cerberus was coming at an end, she could feel it in her blood. 

"Let's go, I have a message from Thane to give." 

"Aye aye ma'am." 


	91. XC. I Can't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Earth, London

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Siribear: Because they’re standing in London, with more than ash caught in their throats, more than allies dying around them.
> 
> (prompt that inspired this chapter)

There isn't much more they can say to each other - they know this is the final push and anything can happen to either of them. Under normal circumstances, Shepard would pep-talk her way into the lie of _We're going to make it, count on it soldiers_ but she was alone, here on the corner of this unknown street in London, with Kaidan. 

He knew the score, they were old soldiers, battle worn and tired of the fight but this was it, the battle of all battles. He smiled at her, his eyes barely reflecting the sentiment as his voice soothed her concerns. She smiled back, his joke light, his hand on her hip and the even though the eerie blue light of the beam brightened up the dark surroundings of ground zero, it was like there was no one else around them. 

She forgot, for a simple moment, that she was Commander Shepard and he was Major Alenko and that everything was riding on them to complete this mission. It was all or nothing. As the moments ticked by, he pulled her close, his nose rubbing against hers tenderly, his fingers grasping her ears before leaning in for a kiss. It's subtle, the sadness tangible, the soft trembling of both of their lips as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him even closer. The memory of their bodies joining the night before still fresh between them, she broke the kiss first, her emotions running high, she couldn’t speak a single word but he doesn't waste a moment. 

_"I can't lose you again,"_ he whispered, another soft kiss broke her and she felt the warmth of tears spill onto her cheeks. She's scared to die for the first time of her life – even though she’d already experienced it once. Maybe it’s because she knew there’s nothing at the other side, no comforting arms, no brown eyes – it’s just empty fields and a cold, bright white light with swirling regrets. 

_"You better be on the other side of this Kaidan, I’ll be waiting for you no matter what,"_ she murmured, another kiss, he gripped her head tightly, his eyes hard with promise. 

_"I'm going to fight like hell."_ He promised her – she has to keep hers this time. She memorised the way his voice trembled, the shape of his lips as they prepared to part. She nodded, their foreheads meet again before she pulls away, wiping at her eyes. He watched her turn from him – the ache in his chest almost overwhelming but he ignored it and he looked up towards the sky, the bright white light like a beacon beckoning them. 

He frowned, everything felt wrong about this. He eyed the beam – it’s the way to win but he had a terrible feeling he couldn’t shake off. He felt it deep down in his bones – The Reapers were cutting through their defenses, their allies fell with every passing moment. The fires of their deaths blew ashes up into the night sky, suffocating the stars and lodging into the throats of the living, reminding the soldiers every step of the way that their comrades did not die in vain. 

The Galaxy would rise from the deepest, darkest depth of despair, Kaidan knew that – but to be standing at the precipice of their freedom, it was hard not to be terrified. It was _do or die_ and he knew Shepard expected nothing less from him, from her crew and from the armada she assembled. 

It was time to end it, old soldiers or not. 


	92. LCI. In The Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Boarding the Normandy SR-2, extraction of team

_Don't leave me behind, again._

His voice broke through the chaos that surrounded them, Harbinger's voice boomed across the field of battle - it seemed so hopeless but here, she could save someone more, they'd already lost too many due to this crazy plan to rush the beam and invade the citadel. 

"Kaidan, I need to know someone is going to make it out of this alive," her voice sounded strong, stronger than it had been in months. It was almost over; she could almost taste it in the air. 

"I can still fight, don't do this alone," he pleaded. She walked up the ramp, her eyes never leaving his she reached out and touched his face, her thumb rubbing his cheek tenderly. He gripped her hand, his own thumb rubbing the back of hers as he leaned into the touch. 

"I love you, Kaidan, remember that, no matter what happens here." 

He chuckled, his eyes bright - he didn’t care who was watching for once. "I love you too, Shepard." 

She smiled at him. He knew this would the last one he'd see unless she came out of this alive, so he etched her every feature into his memory. She leaned in and kissed him tenderly before letting go. He reached out, his voice tight in his chest and the words he wanted to say wedged between his teeth. 

_Stop lying to yourself, you're not ready to say good bye again._

"Go, get out of here!" she motioned to Tali to take him. 

The quarian pulled him into the hangar and his hand dropped down to his side as she rushed away, her lithe form swallowed by the light of the beam. He watched the doors of the Normandy snap shut, reminding him of the day they left Earth and left Anderson there on the shores of Vancouver. 

But this time, he was leaving behind his reason for living. He had a terrible feeling as Shepard headed back into the eye of the storm. 

He felt like a traitor; he was abandoning her to the heat of battle. She was going ahead alone, with no support, onto the Citadel. It was all wrong. The pain of his injuries became too much to bear and he slipped out of Tali's grasp clammering to the floor like a broken weapon. A string of curses came out of her mouth as he felt himself heave and gag. He heard Harbinger’s voice in the background through the hull of the ship, and the voice shook the very core of everyone on the ship. He was searching for Shepard, taunting her and for seconds there was silence that made him beyond nervous. 

Suddenly, there was an explosion that rocked the fleeing ship, the gravity pulled in all directions as the Normandy righted herself but everything was falling around him. 

“What's-“ he started to call out to Joker, he needed an update or some sort of status from the ground. He wiped his mouth free of the secretions of his stomach as he tried to keep his balance against the rocking with all intentions of rushing to the pilot's cabin but Chakwas was already at his side, taking his armour apart before he could even protest it. 

There was a deafening silence in the hangar as they broke through the atmosphere of Earth - Kaidan shook off Chakwas long enough to press the Alliance communication channels for the fleet and then the communicators all flared to life. 

_“Is there anyone left at the beam?”_

__

_“No sir, no one made it…”_

He didn’t even have time to register the meaning behind those words, Chakwas hands stilled over him – grabbing on to his shoulder, her mouth gaping like a fish as though she was trying to say something. His gaze met hers and saw them fill with tears, he shook his head and a quiet hush of air escaped between his lips before his eyes rolled into his head and he let himself be swallowed by the darkness of grief once more. 


	93. LCII. Through the Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Citadel, Crucible

_Shepard._

She woke with a start, the sound of her name blaring in her head. She shook her head as she pushed her body off the cold floor of the Citadel. It was dark, her body ached and her skin felt like it was on fire. 

The beam. She’d… made it. 

_‘And almost in one piece, not bad, Shep.’_

Her lips pulled back into a grin but she didn’t manage to pull it off. Her mouth tasted like copper. She spat the contents of it to the ground – groaning miserably as she pressed a hand to her side to touch the wound that bit into her flesh – her armour was twisted weirdly, it was actually imbedded into her skin, melted. She tried to gather her bearings but the smell of rotting flesh around her was throwing her for a loop. 

What had happened? She remembered Harbinger’s large yellow eyes as she raced for the beam, the Normandy fading into the twilight, taking Kaidan and the crew away from this chaos. They didn’t deserve to go on another suicide mission – and she had known it was going to be something she would have to do on her own for a long time. It didn’t matter what happened to her, she was already dead anyways. 

_That's not true_ , her sister's voice filtered in. She ignored it, continuing to convince herself that this was right, that this is what she was meant for. She was the one anomaly in this universe and the universe had finally noticed she’d slipped between the cracks of life and death. It was time to make things right – but it didn’t mean she was going to go down easy. 

She stood up, blinking, her communicator twitching to life. 

“Shepard?” 

“Anderson? You made it?” she tried to activate her omni-tool, she needed to know where she was but as the light of her wrist flickered and sputtered, it illuminated the area. 

There were bodies, _everywhere_. 

She coughed, covering her mouth and nose with her forearm, wincing as the bile threatened to come up. _Now wasn’t the time, Shepard. Move forward, don’t look back._

“Yes. Where are you?” His voice was off, Shepard thought as she limped her way through the hall. She paused, gun drawn – wait where did this pistol come from? Where is her Widow? – she pushed the thought, eyeing a Keeper as it dragged a body away from a pile. It paused, its head twisting in curiosity before moving on. 

Shepard snarled, she never trusted those things after those two idiot scientist told her what they really were – indoctrinated helpers to allow the coming of Reapers. And here they were, still doing their bidding mindlessly even after the Protheans had modified them. 

The walls shifted around her, the narrow path turned into hallways and bridges. She could see the flicker of light far ahead, Anderson's voice fading in the echo of the wide open spaces. This wasn't a part of the citadel she recognised. 

She grunted as she climbed the stairs, slowly - she could hear the battle outside as guns crossed fire and everyone struggled to live. She had to push forward, they wouldn't sacrifice themselves in vain just to have her fail here. 

She wouldn't allow it. 

The Reapers would not live, she thought bitterly, as she arrived at a console, Anderson leaned over the machine. She narrowed her eyes - there was something wrong with him. He was bent in weird angles, his step awkward. 

The edge of her vision had tendrils of black smoke she recognized from her dreams. 

_Don't trust the boy, Autumn._ Her mother's voice still lingering in warning in the back of her mind. 

What boy? 

The sudden sharp pain of a headache ravaged her mind, Anderson's words slipping between the cracks of reality as the Illusive Man edged in from the corners of her sight. 

Where had he come from? 

His words were like oil on water, nothing was making sense - his eyes were husked and the bright blue lights of indoctrination blinked and flickered against his skin. He'd lost his mind, just like Saren. 

"Why don't you do it then, control them?" she gritted out between her teeth, Anderson still struggling against an unknown. Could she still trust what he said? Yes - he was arguing against TIM's logic, he was still _Anderson_. 

"I can't, they won't let me!" the Cerberus leader shouted with frustration as he paced, Shepard knew his meaning and before she can finish her thought, Anderson spat it out for her. 

"You're indoctrinated." 

How did he know? Shepard narrowed her eyes - is this for real? 

TIM stopped, staring at Anderson's back with a gun in hand - he smirked as she refuted his arguments, daring him to deny her the truth and her mission since the very start three years ago when she first crossed path with Sovereign. It was always understood that the Reapers _needed_ to be destroyed. 

No matter what the cost. 

She narrowed her eyes in a vain attempt to shake the darkness that crept at the edges of her vision, her thoughts circled endlessly. There was another sharp buzz, a screeching sound that almost made her sick but it only made TIM's resolve even stronger. 

She shot Anderson. 

She blinked in surprise as the sound retreated, the pain became manageable and she watched Anderson collapse to the ground. "Do you see that Shepard? Do you see the power they offer?" 

Saren crawled from her memory, metal teeth and wired body frame - a hollow version of a Marauder decaying in her past. Were his lessons not learned? Joining the organics and synthetics had never been a viable option - it was a perversion of every living and synthetic right. 

But to control the Reapers? She listened for just a second, feeling the pull of his insanity against her own, almost swept away into the logic. She could control them... 

_Destroy them, Shepard._

Anderson's voice trickled in the back of her mind - what was she doing? There was no room for anything else. They needed to be destroyed; they had manipulated the living and its evolution long enough – this cycle deserved to be free from the Reaper’s tyranny. 

"Are you listening to yourself?" she chuckled, her mind finally clear as the shadows subsided and disappeared, her actions her own again. "You've betrayed us to the Reapers - Look at Earth." she pointed to the blue orb above them but all she can see are flashes of orange and black. 

Earth was _burning_. 

The Illusive Man staggers, his eyes focused on the planet and he seemed to falter. "I did this for humanity," he continued repeating it, similar to a mantra. He needed to believe but Shepard had sowed a seed of doubt in him. 

"No, you did this for the Reapers. You've doomed us all." Her voice wavered while standing up straight and watched as he tried to fight the indoctrination. For a moment, she finds herself in the past - she can see Saren again, his form struggling against the control. She knew he couldn’t win. 

She watched helplessly when he pressed the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger - his last words lost to an explosion above them as a Reaper fell to the guns of a geth dreadnought. His blood trickled slowly towards the platform but she stepped over him, collapsing on the ground near her mentor. 

Has everything she'd done in this war been pointless? 

The words of Sovereign, Harbringer, Saren and the Illusive man swirled in her head - they all had the right reasons but the ends did not justify the means. Anderson stirred next to her; she ignored his laboured breathing as he chuckled, glad to see her still on their side of the fight. 

"I was worried there for a minute, commander." 

"You know me," she murmured, wincing as her palm pressed into the wound on her side. She glanced down and it didn’t really register just how much blood was coming out as it drips down her side and pooled onto the ground. 

"You know..." Anderson spoke for a while, he rambled, and she listened as they watched the ships across the space between the Citadel and Earth. It was haunting and beautiful at the same time. 

_Best seat in the house._

Where had she heard that from before? 

Ah, yes – from the lieutenant, her lieutenant in days long past. Kaidan had whispered them before their lips had nearly met by the lockers, the night they stole the Normandy and chased after a rogue into the gates of hell. 

She didn’t remember when Anderson became silent and still – death lingered and tugged at her to follow Anderson’s footsteps but she was pulled back from the edge of darkness when Hackett's voice sparked to life across the wide and empty room. 

_“Shepard?”_

"What... _what do you need me to do_ ," she asked in a stuttering hush, crawling across the floor as the soldier in her told her to keep moving, the mission wasn’t done. Her eyes blurred with the effort it took for her to answer, she spilled a breath she can barely hold on to and reached up to the console. 

Maker, she's _tired_. 

_"It's not firing. The crucible isn't firing! Shepard, can you hear me?"_

His voice is nothing but a buzz in the background of the silence that pressed against her skull- her heartbeat grows loud in her ears with each sluggish movement of her body. 

"I... _I don't know how to_... I'm sorry," she could only say the words weakly to Hackett into the communicator as she succumbed to weight of failure and tripped into darkness once more where two rum coloured eyes faded into the distance. 

_"Wake up."_

The sound of a liquid voice flooded her subconscious - her eyes squeezed tight before opening. She was face down onto a bright white floor and she pushed her torso off the ground, grunting as thick drips of blood spilled down her arm and slicked the platform she had collapsed on. 

_Where is she? This isn’t the room she..._

A shadow caught her attention and she looked up from the floor towards the twilight above her – she could see the crucible above her hanging in silence as the war raged on around them. Barriers flicker softly with the unmistakeable hum of machinery. In the distance, she saw three distinct colours illuminating the space she occupied. She stood as straight as possible, her hand still clutching the gun she couldn’t remember picking up along the way, wincing at the pain in her side. 

Where was Anderson? 

“He is dead.” 

She blinked – the voice almost overwhelming her as her focus snapped to the small ball of light before her shaping itself into the small boy from Earth she’d watched helplessly die. She frowned. 

How would it even know to take its shape? 

“Who are you?” she finally asked once she’d found out her tongue and parched lips still worked. 

“I am the solution created by the Leviathans.” Its reply made her bones ache and her teeth rattle – she could still hear the buzz in the back of her head. A hum she was growing familiar with, one she knew to be wary of. 

After the first few seconds of hearing the light speak to her and reflect on its existence, Shepard came to the conclusion that the Reaper AI was cold, calculated and manipulative to its very core just as the Leviathan had warned- right down to accessing her memories and ghosts to try and throw her off balance. 

It became more and more obvious as she questioned its motives and reasoning that the AI had lost its perspective, its purpose, and even now, it rebelled and refused to end the conflict it started with the Leviathans, Maker knew only when in time. 

“Choose,” it spoke with such a compelling finality she was almost stunned into obeying. There was something unusually powerful behind the misleading voice of the child. She stood before it, considering what she should be doing next. 

Had she known all this time that the Citadel was housing the creator of the Reapers, she would have done something _different_. The comments from Ash and James coming back to haunt her _There’s something weird about this place, it’s too quiet._

It had the gall to demand her sacrifice in exchange to end its so called perfect solution that lasted thousands of cycles, millions of years. A solution to a probability that was no longer in existence, that she had proven wrong when she had attained peace between the Geth and the quarians after three hundred years of deadly conflict that nearly wiped out both races. 

But it wouldn't listen; it wouldn't even let her speak on the matter – it outright just plain _dismissed_ her and her arguments. It continued to look out into space, the chaos ravaging the earth’s atmosphere and waited patiently for her to _make her move_. 

Decide the whole fate of the Galaxy on just what the AI said? The one being that deemed all life to be _basically_ a waste of space and needed to be rebooted every 50,000 years? No, something wasn’t right – something was off by the whole thing. 

She stumbled forward, her eyes still on the wavering physical image of the Citadel itself, and she considered the choices she had after all this effort and tribunals she had to endure. The green beam flickered in the distance, her thoughts on Saren as she considered the possibility of Synthesis. 

The geth and EDI would live as organics, fulfilling not only their own curiosity on the living but the Reapers themselves would be shown why so many cycles have fought them, maybe even deepen their own understanding of why their cleansing has been so wrong. But, did she really want to impose the will of the Reapers on the living and synthetic? 

Did she really want the final evolution of mankind and synthetics to be pushed forward in such perverted way? Would they not simply be husks with their own minds? What about the ones who have turned into husks and were no longer even recognizable? 

Would they become self-aware again, as husks, cannibals, marauders and brutes? 

Could she _really_ do that? 

No – it was out of the question. Bringing self-awareness to the dead was just not an option, it was downright wrong, no matter what the benefits it would bring to EDI and the geth. 

She glanced over to the blue beam – control of the reapers. Sacrificing her own mind and will to become the new AI and control the monsters themselves. She would lose all notion of herself and no longer exist as Shepard but as an AI. 

An immortal. 

A god. 

She paused, biting her lower lip in thought. It could technically work. She could make the Reapers just leave and repair any damage they had caused, saving them years of rebuilding and suffering but... what was there to check her own sense of morality? 

What if, after millions of years of existence, the AI version of herself grew corrupt like the current leader of the Reapers. Could she really be okay with letting a computer version of herself decide the fate of the living again? Could she let her own twisted sense of morality as it exists now to lead the reapers into an age of peace? 

No – she was far too complex, far too unstable in her own mind to apply it in a computerised form and expect the AI version of herself to make the right decisions. That’s why she had Kaidan, her friends and crew to sound board on her decisions. 

That’s why the AI had failed in the first place. Only one being to make all the decisions, no one else to compare it too. EDI had mentioned the same thing once while they discussed morality and if she should prioritise the crew’s safety over her own. 

_“There is not enough data for me to make a clear decision on the subject, that is why I need your guidance.” EDI replied, frowning._

__

Could she really think that alone, as an AI that controls the very machines that destroyed countless civilisations, she would be able to resist the power under her own fingertips with no one to counter her or to argue against it? 

It reeked of bad decision. 

And then... there was just one final option left, the bright red light stood tall with pride. Destroy them, once and for all. 

_“I would risk non-functionality for him if it meant to keep him safe.” The robot confirmed, certainty in her eyes as Shepard grinned, happy with her friend’s conclusion._

EDI’s words haunted her; Legion’s sacrifice to allow his own people to be able to think on their own without the consensus was going to be for naught. 

She had decided a long time ago that the Reapers had to be destroyed. 

_Don’t trust the boy._

Her mother’s voice again, would the geth and EDI really be gone? Would she really die if she destroyed them? It didn’t really make sense, he said that all those with Reaper technology would be affected but she wasn’t made of Reaper tech. 

EDI only had the IFF installed inside her after she had come to consciousness. 

The geth were still a collective functional group with consensus and they still had the potential of becoming true AIs with the right coding and upgrades – just like EDI. 

Even so, going offline didn’t mean death for an AI, it just meant they needed repair – and machines could be rebooted and repaired in the right hands. If the quarians created the geth, they could bring them back. If man created EDI, they could bring her back. 

_The Reapers had to go._

She looked over her shoulder, stumbling a moment when she became light headed from blood loss but she kept her gaze on the lighted figure. It was watching her as she meekly made her way towards the red hued machinery on the right side. 

Her lips pulled back in a hatred she couldn't hide any longer and snarled at it, her hand squeezing down on the trigger as she lifted her pistol and aimed it at the leader of the Reapers. It stood unmoving, blinking in confusion as she screamed in frustration. 

His image flickered, untouched by her bullets and she pressed the palm of her hands against her eyes, letting out a sob of helplessness. 

_Kaidan._

His smile flashed in her mind's eye, the memory of his fingers trailing along her skin made her ache and suddenly she turned away from the Ancient AI, her resolve strong again and she stood up straighter. 

_You can do this, Shepard._

His voice encouraged her decision, she knew she was breaking another promise – she wouldn’t see him on the other side of this; she didn’t know if she was going to live to tell her tale. The AI winked out as she raised her gun from her side, both hands grasping the handle and she snarled, cursing out the machinery as she walked faster towards the red beam. 

Her lover's warm eyes and soft whispers lifted her burdens – the memories of their short time together burned and her throat closed with tears she openly wept. His ghostly hands were pressed upon her own, Ashley and the Normandy crew was at her back with her mother and sister watching silently from a distant memory. 

_I’m sorry, Kaidan_ . 

The explosion sucked out all the air from around. Her mouth opened but the flames swallowed her scream, the fire licked the exposed skin – her bones snapped under the pressure wave and she couldn't hear anymore. She felt her body lift from the ground, boneless in its speed – she was too tired to roll herself in protection as her body slammed into something hard. 

As she slumped to the ground, she felt the rubble crush her under unimaginable weight as the citadel burst into a bright red beam of energy and she wondered just what her decision meant in the end. Darkness swallowed her whole and she welcomed it with open arms. 


	94. LCIII. Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Post Destruction, Citadel

The edge of light blinded her. 

Shepard squinted, her hand raised to shield her eyes from the bright circle ahead of her. 

Maker, she was _tired_. 

The darkness wrapped itself behind her, keeping her from wanting to look back but she didn't want to go to the light, she'd never been one to follow without thought and she certainly wasn't about to start now. 

She dug her heels into the ground, eyeing the circle, refusing to move with the pull she had trouble resisting. She tried to turn but the light was following her, it was surrounding her. 

There was a shape forming in the distance, she felt her memory trickle with something important. She'd been here before but it had looked entirely different. Wheat and Corn Fields, with a farmhouse in the distance tripped over in her memory, confusion setting in. 

Why was it different this time? 

Ashley materialised, her warm brown eyes meeting Shepard's, she reached out to her commander and sighed as she took her hand in hers. 

"Skipper, you need to stop coming around here." 

"I don't even know where this is, Ash." She tried to smile but she couldn't even gather the energy to do it. She just wanted to sleep. 

"Heaven isn't ready for you, you still got shit to do." 

"I don't believe in your god, Chief, we already talked about this, so - how can I be in _your_ heaven?" 

"Call it what you will, Shepard." Williams smiled at her, amused to hear the same argument come out of her mouth. " And to answer your question, the last time you _died_ you were in limbo, not quite dead, not quite alive - it was going to go either way depending on how they manipulated you." Shepard blinked, wondering how Ash knew what she'd been thinking. "You lived, so the afterlife kicked you out to finish the job you were meant to finish." 

_Go out there and give them hell, you were born to do this_ \- Garrus's voice boomed in the empty white space, Ashley grinned. 

"And I finished it." 

"You killed the Reapers, yeah - you sure did that with a _bang_." Ash wiggled her weird translucent eyebrows, Shepard chuckled. 

The light grew dimmer, Ash wrapped herself around Shepard, pulling her into a warm embrace, "This is the last we're going to see each other for a long time, Shep - take care of the LT." 

Kaidan. 

"You know, he's a major now..." 

"Is he now?" Ash grinned and Shepard's eyes grew wide with the realisation that she wasn't done by a long shot. With his name on her lips, she felt herself hurled through the darkness and Ash winked out of existence once again. 


	95. LCIV. Solitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Citadel, Crucible

She woke with a start, her chest expanding painfully as she sucked in a breath. All her nerves came alive at once, her brain barely able to sort out where it hurt the most so instead of tracking down the pain, she just let out a scream of agony. 

Or tried too. 

The soundless breath that escaped her mouth forced her to quickly realise that she had no voice left, the explosion had taken it away. Her throat felt like it was on fire, her skin was hot, burning under what was left of her armour and she couldn't hear anything. She tried to move but the pain was overwhelming, she could feel her breath coming fast, adrenaline flooding her system as the pain flared everywhere with every movement. 

_'Oh Maker, I survived this far only to bleed to death_ .' Anger flushed her burnt skin, her head hurt and her eyes were puffed shut, she could barely see out of one, just a tiny slit of light in the darkness available. She moved her arm with the omni-tool, the pain barely manageable as she twisted her wrist to turn on the thing. 

It flickered, static shooting across the screen. She didn't need the screen, she just needed the alert system to let someone know she was still here, still alive. She tried to move her hands, the fingers were swollen and raw, large flaps of skin hung off her hands in protest as she moved. The first pang of desperation ignited itself as she tried to visually assess the damage to her body - _'I'm not going to make it,'_ she thought helplessly, _'there's too much damage.'_

_'You'll be fine_ ,' Kaidan's voice inside her head, she paused, trying to calm herself, focusing her energy on the task, ignoring the pain just like she learned in the N training. 

She promised him and herself. 

Her mouth opened again in a soundless scream as her nerves burned white with every motion. Flashes of more memory accompanied each tingle and ache, she remembered the loud pop in her ears as the fires enveloped her and the sound wave that burst through her as she shot the conduit. 

_She should be dead_ . 

_'That little shit said I would die if I chose to destroy them,'_ she snarled. She looked around her, trying to figure out where she was exactly, she seemed to still be in the room where the crucible connected, the citadel barriers still flickering to keep her inside a pocket of oxygen. 

They could still extract her. 

She brought up the omni-tool again, grimacing as she pressed a few more buttons. It was getting to be too much. She fell back after it flared red, she could see the rhythmic call for help. 

She _promised._

She closed her eyes, her breathing slowed as she lost track of time, the pain invading her control and she eventually gave up. How long had it been since she set the distress call? 

Hours? 

Days? 

She couldn't think anymore - her throat was dry, the blood had stopped flowing a long time ago and she wasn't sure if that meant it was a good or bad thing. Her mind wandered over memories of Kaidan for a time but eventually even those grew quiet - there weren’t enough memories, she wanted more. 

Was this it? Ashley said she wasn't done... had she lied? 

She felt herself slip into the edge of darkness a few hours after her body had grown numb and her teeth had stop chattering against each other. 

The bright white light of Hackett's shuttle pulled inside the barriers of the Citadel's conduit, the Admiral stepped off the vehicle, his omni-tool bright orange with a single red dot fading fast mere feet away from him. 

"Shepard?" 


	96. LCV. Broken Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Unknown Planet, Normandy SR-2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited version of Waiting on AO3, tumblr and FF.net

Everything ached. 

Kaidan pressed his face into their bed; the eerie darkness of the broken cabin veiled him in a thick and unwelcoming blanket. Had it only been six hours since they had shared that desperate kiss amongst the rubble of London? Was it only last night where they had lain entangled in the very sheets he now clutched in desperation? 

His arms wrapped themselves around the simple white pillow, her scent still lingered despite the smoke and grime that slid across the Captain’s Cabin. His eyes squeezed shut; he could almost feel her touch against the back of his neck, fingers fluttering around his amp while she hummed an off-tune lullaby after they had made love the night before. 

He could hear her voice lingering in the darkness - words she spoke when Thessia fell, their confessions of love, her whispered fears that gripped his own heart hours before the final assault. 

_What if we don't make it Kaidan, what if -_

__

_Shh, love, you know we'll make it._

Kaidan rolled over, still clutching the pillow, breathing in her essence. Vanilla and gun oil. A strange combination, but so very Shepard. He sat up, his eyes adjusting to see her model ships freed from their grips from beneath the glass, her fish tank was empty - the water spilled all over the loft and the glass broken in the crash, but Spacer the Hamster was still safely tucked away in his cage. It squeaked for his owner, searching for more pellets the Major was sure. 

Kaidan laughed. 

Why was he laughing? He wasn’t sure - his ribs ached with each soundless guff of air that escaped him, but most of all, his heart ached. Silence fell from his lips as he lay back down and stared up at the stars through the windows of her ceiling, laughter forgotten. A knot bobbed up and down in his throat, his hand covered his eyes and for the first time since the whole universe had gone to hell three years ago, he'd lost the will to keep fighting. 

Where was Shepard? He couldn’t bear the thought if she didn’t pull through this… 

The lights flickered to life and the hum of the Normandy startled him out of his misery momentarily. 

“Hey, Kaidan.” The comm rippled like water across the void of her room. Joker sounded better than he did a few hours ago when EDI had gone dark and he realised she was gone. 

“Hey, Joker.” Kaidan tried to clear the strain in his voice but her scent etched itself further into him. 

“Looks like I got communications up. Hackett is looking for you; he’s got good news on the Reapers and Shepard.” 

Kaidan stood up, straightened his BDUs and marched himself away from their memories for just a moment and straight to the War Room. His relief was evident \- _good news on Shepard_ … he narrowed his eyes, determination replaced the hollow ache in his bones and hope filled him again. 

“Patch him through.” 


	97. LCVI. Hold My Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2186 CE - Earth, Vancouver Alliance Hospital

Weeks had gone by since the end of the war, Kaidan and the crew had finally managed to fix the ship enough to make her space worthy but it was strange flying without EDI. The CIC felt empty without her constant questions, her observations and Joker's laughter. 

The pilot's brash personality had been drastically subdued since EDI's platform was placed in the AI core, grief having taken a toll on him and Kaidan recognized that haunted look in his eyes. But Tali, being the good egg that she is, announced a week after they crashed that she could repair EDI, she had been an AI before they put Reaper tech inside of her so if they could just rewire those pathways, she should be back online and back in their lives. 

A second chance at life, just like Shepard. 

Joker didn't want to hope, but slowly, there'd been subtle changes in the way he spoke about his lover - he wasn't placing her in the past anymore and slowly, he spoke about her in the future. _When she comes back, when she opens her eyes, when she smiles at him_. 

Kaidan felt a little bit of hope rise in his chest for the man. Tali couldn't help but laugh every time Joker made his way to the AI core and asked about the progress. Garrus would watch them both, he himself still new at love with the quarian. 

War was a strange time. 

Kaidan kept in touch with Hackett, updates were few and far between but it became obvious that whatever Shepard had done, it had disabled everything the Reapers had infected. Every Reaper ground forces had instantly dropped to the ground when the red flood of light burst from the Citadel. 

He tried not to worry when he saw the pictures of the Citadel in pieces over the Earth on extranet reports, he already knew they'd found Shepard a few days after the explosion - barely breathing but alive, but to see what she had suffered through was almost too much for him. His heart ached, he needed to be with her - she'd been alone for far too long in this ordeal. 

"We're about twenty minutes out, Alenko." Joker's voice came over the communicator, breaking his musings. 

"Thanks Joker, let the crew know to pack and get ready for decon." 

"Aye, aye sir." 

He gathered the few possessions they had and put them in his shore leave bag, he gathered up the hamster and stared at the Bryson experiment head, long since silenced because of the red beam of light. He was thankful, sort of, that it had shut down. He still couldn't figure out why Shepard had grown fond of it considering her fear of the husks. 

He pulled down their pictures from the shelves, gathered up her favourite clothing and stepped out of the cabin just in time to feel the gravity shift on the ship. They'd finally arrived back _home_. 

He made his way down to the hangar, watching the crew salute him as he walked through, smiling with them that they'd made the impossible happen - they were Shepard's crew. Her success was theirs as well. The warm humid air of Vancouver made him ache with grief for a moment, thinking of his parents. His father had died but his mother still lived - _so did Shepard_. 

He stopped at the ramp, Hackett waiting for him at the very bottom, soldiers behind him and Hackett yelled out ' _Attention! Heroes coming home_.' 

There was a lump in his throat, he saluted his commanding officer, barely able to hold back the tears as the soldiers all stomped their feet in attention and saluted the Normandy and her crew. 

"Welcome home, Major." Hackett reached him first, shaking his hand in greeting, Kaidan suddenly felt exhausted as the stress of making it home caught up to him. 

"Thank you, sir." 

"Now, follow me, I'll take you to her." He quickly fell into step with the Admiral, he took a moment to take in the changed landscape of his city - Vancouver had gaps in the horizon where buildings used to stand. HQ was gone. The sky was still that lingering grey that always made him think the sky was grieving. The smell had changed too, it was filled with rot. 

It would be years before anything would resemble its original glory, he was sure, but for now - he was glad the Reapers he could see where laying dead on their sides, in the bay and in the city. He could see the lasers of the construction crews as they cut the robots to pieces. 

_"You're just machines, and machines can be broken."_

Shepard had been right. They were broken, dead in the water and he felt a swell of pride in his chest. 

"Now, Shepard's been induced into a coma, when we found her she was still somewhat awake and it was confirmed that her implants from Cerberus were keeping her alive. The shit she put up with for the few days it took to find her would have broken any other man. There's no way she would have survived that blast, Kaidan, otherwise. " 

Kaidan listened to her status, her injuries and what they expected for her to recover. Apparently, Miranda Lawson had been in touch with the hospital and had implemented some sort of plan to get her back on her feet. Not as perfect, but at least back to something that resembled her old self. 

He knew, from what Shepard had told her and he observed in Sanctuary, that Miranda strove for nothing else than perfection, she would do _more_ than just get her back to functional. He made a mental note to offer the Normandy once she was back on her feet to raid the old Cerberus HQ and the remnants of the Lazarus station to get what she needs. 

As they arrived at the hospital, he was cleared by the staff to enter Shepard's room. He braced himself, expecting the worst. He heard the doors slide open and his eyes fell on her, his gaze looking over the damage. She was inside some sort of barrier, keeping out germs he assumed, he could see pink, washed-out flesh on her face in chunks - skin graphs and weave. Lawson's work considering the stitching was almost invisible. 

The machines beeped around her, her mouth awkwardly opened with the large tube shoved down her throat to keep her breathing, the IV's dripping food, drugs and life into her blood stream. 

His chest constricted, she was completely vulnerable. 

"Shepard? Can you hear me?" 

The heart monitor beeped a little faster, her fingers twitching. 

He stepped closer to her, his hand reaching over the barrier to rest it and it folded against his hand, wrapping itself around the flesh he pushed through, realising that the barrier was pliable to touch her. He reached for her fingers, brushing them lightly and she twitched again. 

He smiled, taking her hand into his as he pulled the chair closer. He would stay here, holding her, until she woke again. 


	98. LCVII. Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2187 CE - Earth, Vancouver Alliance Hospital

It took six months for her to wake up, and he was right there when it happened. He heard the hard intake of breath through her nose, he looked up to see if she was having another seizure but what he saw made him hold his breath. He put aside his data pad, and got up from the bed he had forced the staff to put in her room to stay with her. 

He leaned over her, his hand against her forehead, fingers twirling into her hair out of a habit he formed over the months as her hair grew out. Her eyes fluttered open, a frown immediately appearing on her face as she tried to say something but the breathing tube was in the way. she reached for it but he grabbed her hand, the contact forcing her to stop moving. Her gaze met his and suddenly her eyes filled with tears, some sliding down her cheeks and into her ears. 

"Hey," he whispered, his own voice thick with emotion, his smile trembling - he'd never thought he'd see the day so soon, she squeezed his hand, the hiccup in her breathing was almost too much for him to bear. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, her hands letting go of his to grab his ears pulling his forehead to hers and pressed him there, as though they still had helmets on. 

It was like a dam broke inside of him and for the first time since he arrived to Earth and walked into her room, he cried. Her fingers spread across his cheeks, wiping at the tears and he did the same for her. He whispered to her, sweet nothings he'd been thinking of over the last few months watching her sleep, making her cry even harder, her bandaged hands fisting into his hair. 

He _missed_ her so damned much. 

He began to tell her about what happened after the released the energy from the Crucible, barely taking the time to recover from her awakened state. Her eyes grew dark, memory taking on a darker path he was curious to know more of, but he decided against prodding her, there would be time for that, there would be much more time for that. 

He saw her hands tremble with guilt when he told her about the geth and EDI but, the tears she shed when he told her Tali had her back online just recently brought his own emotions back to the surface. He kissed her cheeks, her brow, her fingers, any part that didn't ache, he kissed it lightly. She touched his face, tenderly, her eyes saying words he understood. 

"I love you, Shepard," he whispered, she nodded weakly, her hands squeezing his hard in reply _I love you too_. 

Before long, a nurse came in to check on the commander's vitals, she could hear the rhythmic beeps of the machines but they were at a faster tempo. She looked up to see the Major hunched over their patient, at first she was about to reprimand him but then she saw her patient's bandaged hands move around to his neck. 

"Oh," she exclaimed, surprise sparked a dose of adrenaline in her, but Kaidan and Shepard never heard her, too wrapped up into finding each other again. The nurse called for the doctor and before long, everyone knew Commander Shepard had pulled through. 


	99. XCVIII. Vacation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2189 CE - Earth, Vancouver

Shepard walked out of the Alliance Hospital under her own power for the first time in two years. Kaidan followed her, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation as she defied the orders of the doctor. 

"You're going to screw up years of physio, your leg-" 

"- is fine. You heard the man say so himself." she said in her strange metallic voice. They had managed to replace her voice box with a prosthetic that allowed her to speak but her real voice was gone, it was a change that was welcome, since they didn't think she'd be able to utter another word until six months ago. 

Kaidan gave her _the look_ , which she promptly ignored. She stood tall, just outside the glass paned doors, watching the horizon; it was starting to look more and more like the Vancouver she remembered. The corpses of the Reapers were gone, hauled away and off planet. For once, the Alliance had listened to her when they had met with her to get her opinion on the old machines. 

_"Dead gods still dream."_ she'd quoted, referring to her experience on a so-called dead Reaper. They could still indoctrinate, they needed to be off planet, and maybe dumped into the sun. Surprisingly, no one had air quoted her or called her insane, instead they gathered up the scrap and set a plan in motion to get rid of it, permanently. 

She waited for Kaidan to stop grumbling, her grin pulling at the corners, he shook his head and offered his arm to her, to which she gladly took, leaning on him. "Where to next?" he murmured, his eyes twinkling. She sighed dramatically, pointing at a grey building he was all too familiar with. 

"The Crazy Doctor's office," she grumbled, she'd finally agreed to start seeing a psychologist to help her deal with a lot of the problems of her youth, to help her deal with the heavy guilt of destroying the geth and all those she lost during the war. Her nightmares were subsiding with each successful step but there were still a lot of night terrors, flash backs and the worst was when she seemed to just completely disconnect from her emotions. 

Those were hard on both of them, but Kaidan would stay, always by her side. 

"Did you finally decide where to go after the honeymoon?" He asked her, she scoffed, a little miffed they had to take a vacation from their vacation. Even though they were now both retired from the Alliance, they were still the face of victory and they had very little peace to themselves. And with their wedding coming up, it had gotten even worst. 

"I was thinking, we should just stay home, in Inta'sei." 

He hadn't expected that - he hadn't been there in a while, he wasn't sure in what state it would be. 

"It's probably been destroyed, Shepard. We haven't been there in years. Why?" 

She grinned, her impish smile setting fire to his groin, he knew that _look_. 

"Well, we should check it out anyways, there's a certain window our naked bodies need to be re-acquainted with." 


	100. XCIX. Rainbow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unknown CE - Earth

It was that one morning when he figured out everything was going to be fine. The world had grown quiet, the scars of war no longer weeping across the land but simply rested, as the world mended itself. It wasn't the day she came out of the hospital, or the day she took her first step after months of rehab, no \- it would be years later when his hair was more salt than pepper, where his body ached as much as hers, where the patter of little feet no longer scurried across their home and their children were now grown. 

He knew everything was finally going to be okay with Shepard when he felt her hand touch his back while he laid face down into their bed, her fingers walking up his spine. He knew her nightmares were just forgotten memories when he felt her body drape over his and her lips kissed the nape of his neck, her nose nuzzling the scars from his blown out amp. He grinned lazily, listening to her whispered _good morning_ as her lips moved across his shoulders. 

He rolled over slowly, trying to avoid hitting her with his elbow but he did a terrible job and smacking her in the nose, making her laugh as he stretched \- her hand travelled down the taunt muscle of his abdomen, enjoying the feel of the muscle under her touch. He smiled at her, still sleepy in the bright white bedroom. She scruncheed up her nose before leaning down and kissing him lightly on the lips, Kaidan let his head collapse back on the pillows mumbling _two more minutes._ Shepard let out a bark of laughter, nuzzling his chest as she pushed down the sheets. She kisses him there, complaining his hair tickled too much but he ignored her jab at his hairy chest - he wasn't a young lieutenant anymore. 

He wrapped his arms around her, mumbling, "What time is it?" He pull her tight to him, kissing her head, his fingers entwining themselves in her much longer hair. Kaidan kind of missed her crew cut but he loved the feel of the longer strands. 

"Early." she whispered, her lips still pulled back in a grin. 

He groaned, "Shepard, we're retired and the kids have moved out, we're allowed to sleep in you know." Her laughter bubbles, he gives her another lazy smile as she glanced up. Her smile faded slowly, her gaze dropped to his lips while her fist curled against his chest and suddenly her lips are on his, coaxing them into a searing embrace and then her hands are everywhere on his skin - from his hips to his neck. 

He knew right then that she finally believed them to be truly safe because she hadn't snuck out of bed to check the house, she wasn't on the extranet scanning for signs of trouble - she hadn't even looked out the window. She was curled on his chest, her breasts against his and her lips moving with his. He grabbed her hands when she shifted, her thigh slipping over his hip but he didn't want her there - he wanted her under him. He kissed her hard, the way he knew that made her weak enough for him to roll on top of her, the sheet sliding off him. 

His naked body, exposed to the morning light, laid on top of her own. Their lips still fused in a tender, needful kiss. She grinned against him as he slipped his thigh over her hip, rolling his hips just the right way to make her laugh. 

He loved the sound of it, even after all these years and she couldn't get enough of his chuckles. 

Her blue eyes sparkled, her black hair flared around her on the white pillows - she looked beautiful, carefree finally as she touched his face, her loving gaze questioning just what she'd done in this life to deserve him. He kissed her again, this time his need was clear and she reciprocated, her mouth opening to let him in. Her hands slide down his back, her fingers lightly touching each scar she'd memorised on his body. She sighed into his mouth, his own fingers gripping her skin tenderly as he traced the scars he remembered before Cerberus took them away. 

He slipped his thighs between her own, his lips travelling down her throat as he slowly enters her - her gasps, his name on her lips only entice him to move faster inside her. He knew everything was going to be fine when he felt her nails bite into his shoulders, her heels dig into the muscular curve of his ass as he thrust, hitting that one spot that always made her shout. 

There, inside, around him, he felt her quiver, her muscles shivering as the pleasure took over her, he watched her face as she delved into the depths of ecstasy - he'd never get tired of that. A few more rolls of his hips and it was his turn to tumble over with her. He laid there, on her, inside her - his mouth on hers, smiling as her hands touched every inch of his skin. 

She was smiling, a _real_ one, where the corners of her eyes crinkled and her eyes sparkled - the curtains of their bedroom window fluttered in the breeze as they recovered, boneless in their pleasure and age. 

"Smells like it's going to rain," she whispers, her fingers now in his hair. 

"Yeah," he murmurs against her throat, enjoying just her presence and the feel of her heart beating under her skin. 

"Think there's going to be a rainbow this time?" 

"If it's not too cloudy," he nuzzles her, she kissed the top of his head, her eyelids growing heavier with sleep, the sweat is cooling on their bodies and Kaidan loved the feeling of it. 

"Good," she mumbled, sleep lacing her words. Kaidan knew everything was okay when she sighed out _I love you_ for the first time in years without a dreadful fear in her eyes that he was going to disappear. He kissed her again, murmuring the same against her lips before curling around her, spooning the saviour of the galaxy into the warmth and strength of his embrace. He was still her soft place to land after all these years. 


End file.
